Every women in the world loves Target. There is something about that glowing red bullseye that brings joy to the hearts of millions of stay at home moms everywhere. And if you don't love Target because you have to be all different then don't admit that. It just makes it seem like there's something unnatural about you. I know you're probably tempted to comment on here about how you only shop small business or giant box stores or who gives a crap. I'm here to tell you that the 5 other people that read this blog will judge you. They will judge you harshly.
Much like the high from a crack pipe, when you enter Target you lose all sense of time and responsibility. I'm here to tell you how to get out with your dignity intact...or at least alive and without sacrificing a month's pay in one trip.
1) If you have to bring your screaming heathen children with you then I suggest you bypass the toy aisles. Generally on the left side of the store after the electronics, trust me when I say there is nothing you need over there. Your kid does not need an overpriced, but on sale Disney Princess or a pool toy for the pool you don't have (You aren't gonna use the community pool that much. Let go of that thought right now. It's going to be hot. You're fat. And they don't let you bring alcohol to the pool. Move on. Move on I say!). They keep the dollar bins on the same side. You grab your cart and you run. Run right by there! You don't need a plastic basket that you think will look cute in your bathroom. It won't. No one needs a plastic basket. Your kids have enough crayons. Just because they are $1 does not mean you need them. Be strong.
2) If by some miracle of the Holy One upstairs you get to go to Target sans children do not go to the clothing aisle. Yes, those 5 for $25 Mossimo tank tops seem like a good deal, but unless you have arms like Michelle Obama and a stomach like a Victoria's Secret model then they aren't for you. If you must go into the clothing aisle then be wary. They have a discreetly marked maternity section and it will trick you. You'll feel like you won the lottery when you find that super cute blouse that covers up your 5 kids and 50 lbs overweight midsection until you realize that you've stumbled into the maternity section. Don't cry. It's happened to all of us and no one wants to see the ugly cry in the middle of Target. There is no crying in Target.
When your husband asks why you were gone for 5 hours when you said you were just running to the store, mumble something about your period, tampons, and long lines. His eyes will glaze over as he searches desperately for an escape. Men do not like to hear about menstrual anything. Laugh wickedly as he runs upstairs.
3) Don't be scared to have ask your cashier to ring up 15 separate orders so you can use your gift cards from purchasing 8 boxes of diapers and 17 cans of formula on 25 separate orders. That shits expensive. You gotta save money where you can. Ignore the glares of the working class citizens who mistakenly thought they could run to Target on their lunch break. It's important that they learn how stupid they are. Target during the day is for stay at home moms. We don't go into their offices and muck things up during the day. If they dare to make a snarky comment then whip out a boob and start breastfeeding right there at the cash register. That will make them think twice about opening their mouth.
4) Somehow Target has teemed up with Starbucks to offer additional crack in their stores. Plan your trips to Target according to when you need a Starbucks pick me up. And if you use your Redcard you get 5% off so it's practically free. Get 2 lattes. Hell, get 3. You deserve something to keep you from killing yourself later when your beautiful spawns of the devil refuse to nap because they can sense how tired you are from their middle of the night choir of hysterical crying. Their crying. Heck, who are we kidding. You were probably crying right along with them.
5) Get the cartwheel app on your phone. Why yes you do need those new outdoor pillows that are 15% off with the cartwheel app. Again, with the additional 5% off from using your Redcard they are free. Free I tell you! It's simple mathematics. If you stick to buying things that you find on the cartwheel app then you will save money AND have a beautifully decorated home by Threshhold for Target as well as more Market Pantry snacks than you could ever use. While they probably aren't the healthiest snacks in the world statistically speaking your kid is probably going to be obese from your weekly trips to Chik Fil A anyways so who cares.
If you follow my 5 simple rules then your trips to Target will be much simpler and more pleasant. Thank you for shopping at Target.
No comments:
Post a Comment