Wednesday, June 29, 2011

A "Real" Housewife

I was doing my Wii Zumba today thinking about what viewers would see if I was on The Real Housewives of Boston and I realized I would have the MOST boring reality show ever.  This is my typical day (brace yourself for the excitement). 

6am--side nurse Stinky...this basically entails me laying on my side with my boob hanging out and Stinky free feeds and we both sleep.  If she's hungry she rolls over and opens her mouth.

9am--Ellen!  Only if she has an interesting guest on.  If not it's Regis and Kelly.  Which by the way Kelly Ripa is wayyyyy tooooo skinny!   Holy crap.  She looks like a 12 year old boy.

10am--the Today Show, maybe a shower (which from Saturday to yesterday afternoon we had no hot water.  You haven't experienced me at my hottest until this past weekend.  I'm surprised Paul didn't make me sleep outside.  I did shower...albeit very very quickly under the cold water and I only washed my hair once)

11am--Kathy Lee and Hoda (I know someday Hoda is going to punch Kathy Lee and by gosh I want to see it!)

12pm--eat lunch and maybe go to Starbucks

Our afternoons are equally exciting and filled with activities such as errand running, clothes washing, house cleaning, breast feeding, exercising (haha) and reading.

Today, after I finished 40 minutes of Wii Zumba and was a hot sweaty mess, I looked down at Jojo and noticed what looked like a red cherry sticking out of his bum.  I actually called the vet and asked if dogs get hemorrhoids (FYI they do NOT) and they said to bring him in (yay for my sweaty self).  Guess what dogs do get?  Ruptured anal glands (who knew?).  And if I didn't have enough to do and worry about with Paul deploying on Friday I now have to bring my dog in for anal surgery, him wearing a cone, him being unable to go up/down the stairs on his own and heck refusing to walk period with the cone on his head, and 14 days of anal seepage (fyi Jojo has just bled out his ass all over my living room carpet...good times, good times.  Luckily Beast is licking it up for me.  Sorry Beauty--we can't pay for your rotting tooth to be removed right now b/c we have to pay for Jojo's ass surgery.  Maybe your tooth will just fall out on its own.  I recommend everyone buy stock in carpet cleaner--we are raising the value on those with all our purchases).  So if my house is not gross enough already I now have to clean up leaking anal fluids.  I really feel that most of my days are spent cleaning up stuff that comes out of the behinds of those in my house with the occasional vomit thrown in for good measure.

I don't understand how these "real" housewives spend their days buying expensive items, going out to eat, drinking wine, and basically not doing anything of substance.  When do they do anything that is actually real?

Boy, its going to be a fun 6 months.

Sunday, June 26, 2011

Less Than a Week

Chest tight, heart pounding...I feel like an elephant is sitting on my chest and it's hard to breathe.  Tears are very close to the surface and I struggle to keep it together just as much as I struggle to eat my ahi tuna wontons and goat cheese salad.  Keep breathing.  Keep breathing. 

"Take my pulse."  "What?"  "Take my pulse," I say again to my sister the RN.  "I don't have a watch."  "Use your phone," I tell her, "Please, my chest is so tight."  She pulls out her phone and puts her fingers on my wrist (how do nurses always know the right spot to touch, when it'd take me 10 minutes to find my pulse on my wrist?).  I watch the seconds on the stopwatch on her Iphone tick by.  She takes her fingers off my wrist and says, "72."  "That's normal, right?"  "Yes."  Oh. 

But I am not relieved.  I notice my breathing is shallow so I force myself to take slow, even breaths.  I choke down my food and try not to throw up.  My stomach hurts and I just want to curl up in the fetal position and cry.  I know what it is.  I've been here before.

We finish our meals and the waitress brings our bill.  Stinky is asleep in her car seat.  "Let's walk," I say.  I need the physical activity, something to do to occupy my body and my mind.  There's too much energy inside me.  None of it good. 

We walk down the row of shops in the strip mall, head into an Old Navy, and don't see what we are looking for.  We walk back the other way and cross the street to the next row of buildings.  Breathing and walking, breathing and walking. 

It's hard to force my mind away from the fact that in less than a week, at the end of the week, my husband will be leaving for Afghanistan.  It's all I can think about. It consumes my every thought.  And I want to cry, to just have a good bawl, and feel better. 

We go into Famous Footwear.  I joke about needing new shoes as I can't continue to wear my Mary Jane style Crocs as dress shoes as Paul looks for Crocs to wear to and from the showers.  The sand and rocks tear up flip flops and Crocs hold up better he's been told.  I try on a cute pair of pink wedges and another pair of black wedges.  Both on sale and Paul tells me to get them.  I haven't bought new shoes in a very long time and I'm delighted with my purchase.  They'll go well with my nursing tops I joke. 

As we leave the store I realize the crushing pain in my chest is getting lighter.  I can breathe easier.  I have survived another anxiety attack.  And I finally feel relieved.  It's over for now.  We head back to the swagger wagon to continue our day.

Sunday, June 12, 2011

Pre-deployment

It is hard to believe how fast the last 4 months have gone by and that it is already just about time for Paul to head off to Afghanistan.  We spent our last Saturday together yesterday until he returns from overseas running errands and going out to dinner and icecream (which I did not drop this time, nor did I drop the baby).  Today we went to Bob's Clam Hut in Maine and had to eat outside even though it was a little cold (but not raining) and then on to Yummy's candy store.  As I type this Paul is upstairs packing.  He leaves tomorrow for Ft. Dix and I have really struggled all day not to cry.  It's hard to believe that when Paul found out he was deploying I was 9 months pregnant and now here we are with a 3 1/2 month old.  What a crazy whirlwind we've been on, but our journey has been amazingly blessed so far.  I tried to get lots of videos with Paul and Emma this weekend so she can watch them when he's deployed. 


I know Paul will miss our sparkling conversations such as the ones we had this weekend:


Me (yelling out the mini van window at the women in the car behind us who wouldn't back up to let me fully back out resulting in me having to do a 3 point turn): Thank you! (sarcastically)

Lady: You're welcome.

Me (yelling back): Douchebag!

Paul: I can't believe you just yelled at an old lady.  You should tweet that. 

Me:  People in ME are just as rude as people in Massachusetts.  I thought they'd be nicer for some reason.

On the way home we stopped for gas and there was a giant lobster you could stick your head through for pictures.

Me: I want a picture in that lobster.

Paul: Really?

Me:  Have you just met me?

Paul:  I was hoping you were kidding.

Driving home I pulled a screw driver out of the side of my door.

Me:  Here's a screw driver. 

Paul:  Why do you have that?

Me:  In case I need to stab someone.  Do you think this would be better or a flat head screw driver?

Paul:  For stabbing someone probably that kind.

Me:  Then I'm going to keep it just in case.

Paul:  Why would you need to stab someone?

Me:  You know if someone tries to reach in the car or something. 

Paul:  I'd hope you would just hit the gas.

Me:  You clearly do not spend all day watching Investigation Discovery channel.  A lot of women get abducted from their vehicles.

Paul:  You really think you'd stab someone with a screw driver?

Me:  Oh I would.  I'd stab someone if I needed to. 

I mean who is going to have those conversations with Paul in Afghanistan????  He is going to miss us for sure!

Wednesday, June 8, 2011

Car Seats: They're Not Just For Car Accidents Anymore

Paul wanted to go get all you can eat sushi tonight.  I usually don't get the all you can eat because I don't feel I can eat that much sushi, but tonight I wanted a little bit of everything so Paul convinced me to go for it.  I ate until I thought I was going to throw up and then we headed to Mac's Dairy Farm for ice cream (yay weight watchers).  It's amazing how sushi compacts itself when you stand up.  I waited in the car with the sleeping baby while my wonderful husband waited in a huge long line. 

Finally he arrived back to the car with my giant kiddie cone of mint chocolate chip deliciousness.  I devoured ate some of the cone and then we headed home with me driving. 

When we got home Paul asked me to get Emma so he could turn on the sprinkler.  I looked at him and looked at my ice cream and armful of sweater and diaper bag and his garbage and looked at Emma and he asked if I needed help.  Um, yes.  So he got Emma, in her car seat, out of the car and hands the car seat to me.  I had already unlocked the door so all I had to do was open the storm door and walk inside.

As I stepped towards the door my right foot got caught on the doormat and before I knew it I was hurtling over the stairs, the car seat went flying out of my hands and landed upside down, and I took out my left kneecap as I stopped my forward motion by ramming my head into the side of the house.  As I slid towards the ground I heard Paul running over asking what had happened.  All I could think to say was the baby as he picked her up and set the car seat right side up. 

Emma didn't even cry.  I'm not even sure she noticed that she was completely upside down, car seat resting on its handle, as Paul picked her up (Thank God she was strapped in).  I, on the other hand, cried like a baby.  I sat in the dirt for a few minutes (under the dirt is concrete...we are just too lazy to sweep up the dirt) and evaluated what parts of my body hurt.  Surprisingly my head didn't hurt, but the little toe on my right foot was throbbing.  And I dropped my ice cream cone!!!  Sad.

Paul carried the baby inside as I hobbled behind him.  I took off my shoe and was bleeding.  Somehow I had taken off quite a bit of the front of my toe (I'm sure the nail will follow) and gotten pebbles and dirt into the skin.  I am fairly certain my toe and perhaps a small bone in my foot is broken.  My left kneecap suffered some scrapes and probably a bruise as did my right elbow. 

Emma still fine.  You'd think I was maimed for life to hear me whining and carrying on.  I am halfway to my goal of mother of the year!

Tuesday, June 7, 2011

I've Gone Over to the Dark Side

It is true.  I've done it.  I've gone over to the dark side.  Before I ever even contemplated having children I always said, "I will never drive a mini van.  I will be an SUV mom."  I was adamant about it.  I am cooler than a mini van.  I've always had an SUV (starting with a Ford Explorer, Chevy Blazer, Dodge Durango, and finally a Ford Escape Hybrid) and I've always loved SUV's. 

Struggling with my weak ab muscles to get my daughter in and out of the middle of the backseat of my SUV I found myself starting to be seduced by the idea of a roomy mini van and so Paul and I went just to test drive a few.  No harm in that right?  I can still be an SUV mom, but I wanna know what all the fuss is about. 

We started with the Toyota Sienna...the $44,000 sticker priced Toyota Sienna Limited.  Unless you are wealthy do not ever look at a $44k car.  This mini van was nicer than most 5 star hotel rooms.  There was heated leather seats, 2 sun roofs, a huge DVD screen, reclining back seats with foot rests.  I started to salivate over the features of this van.  Think Pavlov's dogs and the bell kind of drool.  I promised Paul if he'd buy me this mini van that I'd live in it.

So, we headed on to Kia.  The Sedona was actually a lot nicer than I had anticipated and much much cheaper.  It didn't drive as smoothly as the Sienna. 

Then we headed to another Toyota dealership and drove another Sienna.  This was a pre-owned LE with low models, upgraded leather seats, and I just didn't like it.  Paul loved it because of the price and low models, but I couldn't stop thinking about that Limited.  Sigh...

So our first weekend of just looking at mini vans ended with a stop at Honda.  They didn't have any Odysseys with the features we wanted, but we were told they were getting a pre-owned one with low miles that had leather seats on Monday.  The salesman said he'd call us. 

Monday goes by with no call so I stop by on Tuesday.  It's not back yet, but he'll call me Thursday.  Thursday goes by with no call.  Paul took off work on Friday and Paul and I decide to see if it had come in.  We first stop by Dodge to check out the Caravan.  Super nice, but more like an SUV with a 3rd seat option than a mini van as it wasn't very roomy on the inside.  We stop by Honda on our way home to see if the pre-owned one had come in.  We meet the most spastic salesman ever (he actually made me nervous at first) and after some confusion he figures out what we are looking for and yes, they have 2 pre-owned Odysseys that came in and we can test drive one of them.

I get in and this Odyssey has pretty much every feature that I loved in the Sienna except waaaaayyy cheaper!  Heated leather seats, moon roof, 8 seat option, back up cam, built in sun shades, and FREE satellite radio (somehow it was still on from the previous owners), low mileage, and good price and before I knew it Paul was bargaining for them to add in a DVD player. 

How did I ever live without you, mini van????  I sigh with pleasure every time I sit my butt on those cushiony leather seats.  Picture me driving to the grocery, moon roof open, wind in my hair, jamming to "Hip Hop Hooray" on 90's on 9.  Pure pleasure I tell ya!

Monday, June 6, 2011

Is It Still a Skinny Girl Margarita if You Drink the Whole Bottle?

Oh weight watchers....you would be so disappointed in me.  I've had 2 weekends in a row of cookouts and there is nothing I love more than a buffet table of food.  The only veggies I had on Saturday for the lettuce, tomato, and onion I put on my cheeseburger and a boatload of guacamole (I never thought I liked guacamole before and now I cannot stop eating it.  Was I missing out on this heavenly goodness all these years?????).  Does the mint in the mint brownies count as a veggie cause I ate my body weight in them.  I think because I am more aware of how much fat is in things I was much more appreciative of what I was eating and felt no guilt at all!  Even when I drank an entire bottle of Skinny Girl margaritas (that can't be right though I only had 2 plastic cups of it.  Surely someone else drank some.  It was yum though!).  I was so exhausted by running around that as soon as our overtired baby went to bed I had 2 glasses of wine. 

Luckily my US Weekly Hot Bodies 2011 issue came in the mail to motivate me to get back on track and I quickly realized what the problem is.  Kourtney Kardashian is on the cover in her bikini and she gained 40lbs while carrying son Mason, (well shoot I didn't gain that much weight when carrying my daughter Emma) but with breastfeeding AND pilates is now back to a size 0 in 3 months!  I've gotten the breastfeeding thing down, but I haven't been doing the pilates!  So, I am guessing if I just add in the pilates I, too, will be back to a size 16 14 12 0 in no time!  Cause, ya know, I was so skinny before I got pregnant. 

Kendra Wilkinson's secret to regaining her before baby body is 5 hourlong work-outs per week.  Hmmm, I'm not sure where I can find 5 hours per week, but I guess I can start looking.  I wonder if looking for 5 free hours will burn any calories?  When does she do laundry?  Dishes?  Clean house?

Bethenny Frankel said to hit play on that yoga DVD when baby goes down for a nap.   I wonder if I can work up a yoga routine as I rush to unload/load the dishwasher, throw in a load of laundry, put clean clothes away, let the dogs out/in all in the 40 minutes that my little catnapper sleeps.  If you haven't tried any of Bethenny's recipes let me just say that you are missing out.  Way delicious!  Of course I figured out how many WW points was in my fave salad recipe of her's and let me just say it ain't pretty.  It was pretty much my entire points for the day!  Sigh...I haven't made it since that startling revelation.  I get OK magazine just to see what recipe she has in her column each month.  Tonight I'm making her pesto chicken.

Miranda Kerr (Orlando Bloom's baby mama--I know.  I had no idea who she was either.) slimdown strategy simple "Yoga and healthy eating!"  I just can't get excited about eating chicken breast, fish, and steamed veggies for every single meal.  Why can't beer and buffalo wings be healthy? 

And Heidi Klum, who has about a thousand kids, jogs.  Jogs!  I wouldn't run if someone was chasing me with a machete so I don't see myself jogging to lose weight.  Although there is a part of me that looks at my fit friends who jog with envy as it seems so cool to say "Oh, I'm doing a half marathon this weekend." (cause ya don't run a half marathon you DO a half marathon).  I'd love to put as my FB status:  "Heading out for a run."  I'm not sure where I'd run and I'd have to take Emma with me and it is likely we'd get hit by a car, or laughed at, as we live on the busiest road ever.  I downloaded Couch to 5k to my ipod 2 summers ago and never progressed past week 1 (because running more than 30 seconds at a time is too much for my out of shape body apparently).

I guess though I could have been working out to a yoga dvd (which I did add a ton to my Netflix instant queue) in the time I wrote this post.  haha  It's all about priorities people.  I've also been enjoying my morning coffee as I write (look at me, I'm almost like a real writer).   

PS I think it is disgusting that people are running to get seats in the courtroom of the Casey Anthony murder trial.  What is wrong with us as a society that people will use their free time to watch a murder trial, but won't volunteer to do something good with their free time?  It makes me sad.  A little girl died and people are acting like they are going to see a movie.

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