The glory that is Ikea

My husband of 2 weeks and I spent the morning at Ikea. I had never experienced the glory that is Ikea until they built one in Tampa. Driving up to Ikea is like driving up to Disney World or the chocolate factory. There are lots of directional signs for parking, receiving, the entrance. During the grand opening in Tampa there were even parking attendants directing traffic into the parking lots. When you enter into Ikea there's a greeter handing out maps. You take the elevator upstairs and you enter into a whole new world.

My eyes light up with wonder as I gaze about at all the glorious household items. Things I never even knew I needed or wanted are all present in Ikea. And much like Veruca Salt I want it all! I want a cow rug, and a couch, and a chair, and a bookshelf, and an egg timer, and a plant, and...

My favorite part of Ikea is the little decorated "houses." I feel I could comfortably live in 490 square feet if it was furnished by Ikea. The mini kitchen, the bunk bed with the desk underneath, and the tiny toilet next to the tiny shower...what more could anyone want?

And they put arrows on the floor so you don't get lost. I think Disney could learn a thing or two from Ikea on directional flow. And as you glide from one room to the next you are constantly bedazzled by all the home furnishings. Design Star here I come!

Then you walk through an opening and there's a cafeteria with the best meatballs in the world. Down the escalator into the Marketplace where you can get an incredibly well oiled shopping cart and pick and choose to your hearts content of any accessory you could imagine. Then through another opening into the shelves where all the furniture you saw is stored neatly on shelves for your own selection.

I love Ikea. I love everything about Ikea. And I love my husband of 2 weeks (15 days to be exact). This marriage is everything I'd hoped it would be and more. I feel blessed and happy every day...maybe not every minute of every day, but every day I do feel incredibly lucky and joyful to be with the person I imagined.

And tonight we're sitting in front of our newly working fireplace (1st time it's ever been used even though our house was built in 1964), eating Chinese take out and watching football (well, I'm reading a Fern Michaels book), and relaxing with our babies and I just don't think life could get any better than this. I hope everyone is having as great a Sunday as me.

Damn 5k part II

Paul has been on this big fitness kick. I was doing pretty well working out at home and doing my weight watchers until 2 friends from FL came to visit during a 2 week period and it all went to hell...a hell consisting of alcohol and fried foods. So part of Paul's fitness kick has been running this summer 5k series. The first time we went was when Melissa was here so Melissa and I walked around Lowell while Paul did the 5k. Afterwards she and I enjoyed beer and pizza while Paul sweated.

Tonight Paul forced me to run. Okay, run may be too strong a word. Let's say he forced me to participate. Oh, did I mention the theme? It was a "Bikini Run" meaning people ran in bathingsuits. I ran in pants and a t-shirt with a flying hippo on it. Here are my thoughts during the 5k:

"I f**ing hate all these women in bathingsuits. Who would run in a bathingsuit? I could never run in a bathingsuit. Ewww, she shouldn't be in a bikini. I think I'm having a heart attack. I can't do this. Why is Paul making me do this? Maybe I can make myself pass out before it starts."

Then the 5k actually started.

"Okay, I'm running. This isn't so bad. Danielle's in front of me. Hey, there's Paula. Crap, I gotta walk."

"When is it going to be a mile? I thought they said there was a water station at the 1 mile point. I haven't gone a mile yet. How can that be?"

"Sweet Jesus. One mile. Only one mile. I have a cramp. Keep moving. Keep moving."

"When is it going to be 2 miles? Where is the second damn water station? I don't want to be last again. I don't know if I can finish."

"Okay, just jog a little. A little more. I wish Emily was here. I think I'm going to throw up."

"Okay, stay in front of this lady. I think she's last and I don't want to be last. Just keep moving. Breathe, breathe, slower. You can do this."

"Hey, there's Paul. Run, run."

And then out loud "Where's the end? Where's the end?"

Of course to make it more embarrassing all of Paul's friends were waiting for my slow ass. Granted, I do feel that was very nice; however, I was so out of breath when I crossed the finish line that I couldn't really appreciate it.

My real question was this: Where is this "runner's high" people always talk about? I feel like I got screwed because I never felt a rush of endorphines. Mostly I just felt cranky and annoyed and hot. I also had some concern I may have a heart attack or throw up.

Am I ever going to a runner? Probably not. I think those days are past. Do I need to do something to lose weight? Absolutely because I just get fatter by the day. Am I going to run next week? Probably not.

I did think of my friend Emily the whole time I ran. Her voice was what kept me moving forward because we ran the last 5k together and she was the BEST coach ever! I wished she could've been here with me tonight.

More to Love

I've started seeing ads for a new reality show a la The Bachelor type shows entitled "More to Love." The premise of this show is that the average American women is size 14/16 while the average reality "star" is a size 2. So, "real" women are going to compete for a "real" man in all their glory this summer and for our voyeuristic pleasure.

Hmmm...I have been a size 14. It sucks. I am currently a size 12. It sucks. I happen to think I'm fairly hot; however, I also recognize that being this heavy makes me feel physically uncomfortable. I can't tie my shoes without my stomach suffocating me. I don't feel happy in a bathing suit. I have been doing pilates and some of the moves are difficult because my thighs are so large. I look like I'm 5 months pregnant ALL THE TIME. I would LOVE to be a size 2, but I also recognize that that may be slightly thin for me. I think a good size for me would be 8/10.

I applaud these women who want love. I know how it feels to have the skinny friend who gets all the attention from guys while you stand on the sidelines. I have been lucky enough to find someone who loves me for who I am...fat gut and all.

I WANT to see size 2 reality stars though. It gives me something to work towards. It gives me someone to focus my negative energy on that doesn't know I sit at home and say hateful things about her to my friends who watch the same asinine shows. I think Americans are too fat. I hate that as a society we are so unhealthy in our eating and attitudes towards eating. I am not exception. I didn't eat fast food for 10 years and when I fell off the wagon I fell hard. I'm lucky now in that there aren't really any fast food places convenient to our house and I definitely do not enjoy it enough to go out of my way to get it. Score 1 for Massachusetts.

I have also figured out that my weight watchers would go much better if I was more strict about my eating. I do fairly well staying within the weekly points range. I am trying to be active. But I love my Edy's Slow Churn ice cream at night (3 weight watchers point for 1/2 cup...I always eat a whole cup though). It's a struggle. Weight watchers has made me more aware of what I put into my body. I am not drinking so much. I had 2 glasses of wine last weekend and felt hammered...I guess I'm a cheap date now instead of just cheap if you catch my meaning. haha

In other reality news...let's talk about The Real Housewives of NJ. These are the most atrocious women I have ever seen. I am still trying to figure out why social services has not gone in and removed any of their children. Caroline sounds like a truck driver (I am waiting her to pull out a cigar and start puffing away as she oversees the mob). Danielle has some weird issues with age (you are gross dating a guy 20 years younger). Teresa is a psycho (who flips over a table in a restaurant in front of children all the while cussing like a maniac? Are you freakin kidding me?). Dina is a bitch (liar liar pants on fire). I like Jacklyn. I do not think it's okay to constantly cuss in front of your children or act like a freakin maniac. At least The Real Housewives of Orange County have a little bit of class (I said a little bit) and their children are older. I didn't really watch New York (although I think they seem to be crazy bitches based on the episodes I've seen) or Atlanta (they annoyed me too much).

Being unemployed has given me way too much tv watching time. My brain is rotting. I can't even make a decision anymore. The other day I spent 10 minutes trying to decide if I should take the dogs out before I went to lunch. 10 MINUTES! If I don't find a job soon I am going to end up a vegetable. Paul will come home to find me in the fetal position drooling on myself.

Massachusetts on my Mind

I sit here in the office (and by office I mean at my house, not at an actual office), looking for a job (I think I've sent out 25 resumes at this point), and listening to the dog whine. The dog is whining because of the groundhog. When faced with unexpected wildlife in your yard one may think that having an 80 lb. boxer with you would be a good thing. If the boxer was not the stupidest animal on the planet it may be. However, when the groundhog charges you there is little to be done to keep the boxer from charging the groundhog especially when the groundhog has backup in the form of another groundhog. A deadly game of chicken then ensues with you, the helpless human, being dragged behind the boxer, hoping not to be knocked to the ground, trying to avoid the dog poo that abounds (sort of like mushrooms after a good rain). Luckily the groundhog caved first and I was able to then drag the boxer behind me back to the house.

In Florida all we had to content with were alligators. Groundhog, alligator...you may think that there's no comparison. In Florida you grow up knowing to avoid the alligators. It's one of those lessons your parents teach you when you are young like look both ways before you cross the road, brush your teeth before bed, and don't play near the alligators. They are like bees. If you don't bother them then they won't bother you. Imagine my surprise when trying to get a closer look at the groundhog when it turned around and ran towards us. My futile attempts at running away were impeded by the 80 lb. dog attached to me by leash. Live and learn my friends.

Speaking of alligators and a fascination with animals. My father has an alligator in the lake behind his house. He often goes out and feeds the ducks old bread. Imagine his surprise when he throws down some bread and an alligator comes out of the water and eats it. I believe feeding alligators may also be a felony in Florida. Luckily the alligator was more concerned with eating the bread than eating my father and no one was around to report him...or save him if the alligator had had other intentions. I'm pretty sure my 60+ year old dad could NOT outrun an alligator.

So, here I sit...unemployed, friendless, broke, and running out of reasons to get out of my jammies everyday. The packing is slowly winding down and is almost done and I am starting to wonder what the heck I'll do with myself all day when I don't have unpacking to do. I am also wondering why I can't find certain things like a giant basket that I kept in the living room that held blankets and the blankets. I mean there are only so many boxes large enough to hold such a thing. This afternoon I may venture down into the basement to see what boxes I can find that are supposed to be in the house. The basement scares me only in that I'm terrified I'll hear footsteps upstairs while I'm downstairs. As this is the oldest home I've ever lived in I am afraid that it is haunted.

The sound of the construction trucks across the street fill my senses with their noise and shake the entire house. The fact that the bed sometimes shakes when they begin work in the morning (usually at such an hour that I'm still in bed) only confirms my fear of the house being haunted.

I am not sure how I feel about Mass at this point. I've enjoyed the weather...some days. Wearing a sweatshirt and jeans in June is a little ridiculous to me, but people keep reassuring me that hot days are to come. We found a very good ice cream place (Mac's Dairy Farm) and have eaten at some excellent restaurants. I know there is a ton more fun things to see and do and if it would ever stop raining perhaps we could do them.

So, I forge ahead. Sending out my resumes, unpacking boxes, catching up on The Real Housewives of New Jersey, and sleeping 9+ hours a night. I guess overall I cannot complain. A job will come. I have faith.

People say funny things

Some of my favorite things I've seen/experience since moving to MA is weird people (minus when I fell up the stairs and ended up covered in bruises including a huge one on my ass).

Paul and I went to dinner in Lowell the other night (and ate at a fantastic tapas restaurant and I only had 1 sangria--stupid weight watchers) and decided to walk around the block afterwards and kind of scope out what other restaurants were around. We start to walk by this youngish couple (by youngish I mean younger than us, but older than 21) who are having a very heated discussion on the side of the road. She's leaning against her car and he's standing on the sidewalk (and picture the stereotypical northeastern, Italian hair/clothes/etc--more like Jersey). And what do our poor ears hear as we pass?

Her: (something to this effect)--"You told me to put a strap on on, you bent over, and we called it a night."

We did not hear his response...probably because we were laughing too hard. I mean what else can you assume, but what you assume when you hear something like that.

Today's weird interactions include:

An older, heavyset man walks in front of my car and blows me a kiss. I laughed out loud.

Later at the post office as I'm walking up to the mailbox two late teen/early 20's guys pass me and the one guy says, "She's too tall man. You'd have to climb her to fuck her." I proceeded to pull out behind them, laughing, and laugh more when they drive one tenth of a mile before pulling into a driveway. Really? You couldn't have walked that far? I mean I'm a fat ass and I would've walked that far (and I know I'm a fat ass because my scale screams "Fat ass, fat ass" every time I weight myself. I'm afraid to get on the Wii fit because I think it may blow up. So I signed up for Weight Watchers and I figured out while I'll lose weight using this method--because I'm freaking STARVING all the time. I think I've eaten my weight in carrots and celery this past weekend. But all my friends SWEAR that WW is the way to go for weight loss. We shall see...we shall see...).

Tomorrow I have 2 job interviews...wish me luck!

The move to Boston

I thought I'd be able to blog while moving, but our stay in crappy Motel 6 without Internet and our marathon day 2 drive followed by a week of no home Internet prevented me so here goes...

Day 1: Paul made me wake up at the ungodly hour of 5am. The only people who should be awake at 5am are college kids still up from the night before, farmers, and people who make donuts. It just isn't right. There is nothing good about 5am. After I stumble off the bed I have to catch the cats to sedate them for the car ride. I cannot listen to 12 hours of cats crying without driving us off a bridge and Simba tends to have a nervous bladder/sphincter so the vet took me pity on me and supplied me with a limited quantity of cat tranquilizer (I say limited quantity because apparently people take this recreational...come on people, it's not like it was Special K). (FYI..can hear a dog throwing up...that's always pleasant)

Load up the cars with dogs and cats. Now the hard part. Saying goodbye to mom. Lordy how I cried! I did go though. I stopped crying before we hit the interstate (when I moved to GA I cried all the way to Plant City). Paul, Sasha, Jojo in his trucks while I'm in my car with Beast, Beauty, Simba, and Sherman. We roll out at 6am.

6:30am--Simba escapes from the cat confinement unit I had constructed in the rear of my SUV. Keep in mind Simba is also sedated and moving like a drunken sailor.

6:45am--a struggle ensues in which I fight to keep the drunken sailor off my lap. Luckily his sedation enables me to toss him wherever I can by the dog harness I put on both cats and he falls asleep in mid-air. A narcoleptic cat is a funny thing.

7am--Paul gets a flat tire. I am ahead of him so have to find an exit, wait in traffic, turn around, go back to the southern exit, turn back around, and eventually park behind him.

7:45am--Buttcrack Billy from AAA shows up to change the tire. While waiting I meet a very nice young couple who hit the same thing Paul did in the road and are now parked behind me with a flat tire. I let the girl use my cell phone as she didn't have one. I figured I could catch her if she took off with it plus where the hell is she going to go. Apparently her and her husband have been living apart due to unemployment issues and now are both going to be living in the same place and she just started a new job.

8am--have to go to a gas station because Paul's spare tire is almost a flat tire.

8:30am--after filling up tire and getting McDonald's we are finally back on the road.

My day is spent fending off the drunken sailor and eventually giving up on confining him as he seems content to lay behind me in awkward positions.

7pm--Stop for the night in Fayettville, NC at Motel 6. Have to smuggle our menagerie into the hotel room. Fun times for all. Meet the slightly odd man staying next to us who has a golden retriever.

Day 2:

6am--up and at'em! Get cats sedated (have learned that will need to re-sedate around lunchtime as pills wear off), get all animals loaded and hit the road at 7am.

Have a fairly uneventful day driving, but hit the end of NJ around 6pm and realize we are only about 4 hours from our new home. Decide to just go for it and drive the rest of the way.

6:30pm--leave the travel plaza and head over the GWB in rush hour. I am exhilarated by the traffic. Beast also enjoys the city smells (I have the windows down). Beauty shakes like a leaf the entire time (to be fair I had the windows, it was a little cold in the car, and she has no fur).

Finally arrive at our new home around 11pm. It is freezing cold! It is almost June! WTF!!!

Our furniture wasn't arriving until Monday so we camped out in our house for 6 days or so. The air mattress lost its allure by night 3. As did eating out.

Our neighbors brought us a plant...he's retired Army and she is an agent with Homeland Security who drinks beer and cusses like no one's business. My love is sealed when she uses the word douchebag.

The next day their dog will not shut up. I have since gone over and asked them not to leave their dog out all day because his constant barking is going to result in something bad happening.

I weighed myself today (after my free donut from Dunkin Donuts) and that week of eating out for everyday has not ended well. I promptly signed up for weight watchers because I should not look like I'm 5 months pregnant. Feel better when my friend tells me that she weighs 6 lbs. more than me and also 10 lbs. more than she did while giving birth to her son. I'm not that bad off yet. However, when I fell going UP the stairs my extra pounds probably contributed to that act of clumsiness. I am covered in black and blue marks and am happy I didn't break anything (although I do have health insurance now). I thought I may have given myself a black eye which won't look good at my job interviews next week.

Am starving despite eating what Weight Watchers calls "filling" foods. Those bastards lie! And now I only have 8 points left for the day. Which since I want a glass, or two, of wine with dinner leaves me with only 4 to 6 food points to play with.

Oh well. At least I finally showered. It's really hard to be motivated to get dressed much less shower when your day consists of getting coffee at Dunkin Donuts in the morning (you don't even have to change out of your jammies when going through the drive-thru) and unpacking all day. Since it's Friday I'm even gonna put on make up and perfume....Paul is one lucky guy I'll tell you what.

What you don't want to see while peeing

So, last week I drove down to FL to spend time with my dad and Patsy. On the way down I stopped at a rest area. Get out of my car, find the women's restroom, and head inside to do my business. There is someone in the stall next to me that has the hiccups. I'm sitting there thinking "That sounds like a guy." Of course I begin to wonder did a man stumble into the wrong restroom, am I in the wrong restroom, hmmmm....

The person comes out and their back is to me as they wash their hands. It looks like a very tall, very boxy shaped woman with shoulder length blond hair. Okay, so it's a woman. I go to the sink to wash my hands and I'm kind of checking the person out as they dry their hands.

As I follow this person out of the bathroom I notice their hands...OMG it is totally a MAN dressed like a woman. Total man hands, man legs, man arms...lady shorts, lady top, lady hair...weird transvestite man voice. And he meets up with another man outside.

I follow them over to the snack area to buy a pop and it is all I can do not to burst into hysterical laughter. It's not so much that it was a transvestite because that doesn't really bother me, but it's the fact of that I ALWAYS RUN INTO THE MOST RANDOM SHIT. I have to bite my tongue to keep from laughing so I'm sure I looked like I was having a seizure because my shoulders were shaking.

As my friend Kelly pointed out--at least he wasn't naked. (True story--when I worked for the state of KY I stopped at a rest area traveling home from seeing a kid in foster care. As I'm leaving the rest area I notice this man standing next to a van has NO PANTS ON and by no pants I also mean no underwear. Being a social worker I automatically go to "OMG someone is molesting that poor mentally handicapped man." I call 911 to report this naked man at the rest area and the dispatcher actually laughs at me. Another time traveling to the same foster home I am driving down a busy road with houses on one side. As I'm coming up to this one house this older man is standing on the front steps and I think he looks kind of strange, but his back is to me. Just as I pull alongside the front of the house he turns around and starts to walk towards the road AND HE IS BUTT ASS NAKED. I also saw a woman in a tank top and underwear at the bus stop once.) So, yes, it could've been worse.

Of course Paul goes immediately that I should have called the police on him because he could've been trying to dress as a woman to rape/kill/god knows what woman in the bathroom. And he wonders why I'm so paranoid.

Must hate running aka damn 5k

I've noticed lately that everyone I know seems to be jumping onto this running bandwagon. It seems like every FB status update I see has something to do with running this many miles or that 5k or what not. And I have been just as guilty. My current attempt at running as mostly to do with my fat belly, my fear of diabetes or heart disease, and my love of food and drink. I sense that my inability to lose my fat belly is directly related to the food and drink.

I am up to 1 mile, on the treadmill, at .5 incline. Outside is a whole other story. Case in point: the Race for Charity 5k we did this morning. Obviously NOT my idea.

Our friends, Emily and Clay, are doing a missions trip to Africa and they were able to raise money at this Race for Charity 5k and somehow I said Paul and I would "run" this 5k with them. I truly feel I must have been drunk when I made that promise; however, I do like to keep my promises to my friends so...

6:45am dawned bright and much earlier than I typically like to get up on a Saturday or any other day for that matter (my usual wake up time is anywhere between 8:30am and 10am...getting a real job in Boston is SO going to SUCK). I downed half a granola bar (Paul ate the other half) and a glass of milk and off we went.

The race started at 8am and there really were not a lot of people racing. It was going to be painfully obvious who the LAST runner was; however, I feel that somehow has to be last...might as well be me.

We start off at the track at the middle school. I am highly out of breath before we get off the track onto the road portion. Emily keeps telling me to breathe in through my nose and out through my mouth. A good theory, but one that interferes with my ability to SUCK in air as fast as I possibly could. At this point I am just trying not to pass out...not even an entire mile into the race.

I tell Paul that he can go on without me and Emily sacrifices herself to stay with me. If she hadn't then I totally would've been the absolute last runner. We then get passed by a man in a wheelchair; however, we are able to overtake him...I think only because we are going uphill. Once we hit the downward side he passed us with nary a glance our way. We never caught up with him again. Yes, a man in a wheelchair beat me (I say me because I definitely held Emily back from reaching her potential which I totally appreciated).

Emily talked the entire time we ran. I tried to answer; however, when she sensed that answering her was interfering with my ability to breathe she told me I didn't have to answer her to which I grunted out my gratitude. I will say that she was an awesome running coach. Besides her impractical advice on breathing, she did motivate me to push myself and tell me what spots to walk to and what spots to run to. She guessed I ran about 75% of the time which was a lot better than I thought I would do.

To give you a guess as to how slow we were...a cop had to bring up the rear of the runners because we were on a road. I don't even think the cop car would idle as slow as we were running. Even more embarrassing is that none of the cars behind the cop could pass him so it was like we were leading a parade. Some of the cops were super nice (they were at every intersection) and would give us encouragement as we ran by (while secretly thinking what the hell are these girls doing aka hurry the fuck up I'm sure); however, eventually the cop behind us gave up and drove off.

There was a water station and anyone who knows me knows I am big into recycling. We both got cups of water and as we were running Emily drank her's and threw it on the ground. I actually stopped and looked at her with my mouth open. She assured me that they come and pick them up and I said do you promise and she said yes and I begrudgingly through my cup down. I still feel uncomfortable about it.

On the way back, around mile 2, I did not feel good. I have bad sinuses, there's a lot of phlegm involved in my airways, and Emily asked me if I was going to throw up. I did not...mostly out of sheer embarrassment at throwing up on the side of a busy road. At this point I felt like I was running through jello as my legs were moving so slow.

When we got closer to the event I said something to Emily about being surprised Paul hadn't come back for us and then he came around the corner! Emily said how blessed I am to have him and she is totally right! He ran with us the entire end. We got back to the track and slowly made our way back around towards the finish line. Mile 3 and only 2/10ths left to go. Paul told us if we sprinted we could make sub 40 so we did and came in at 39 minutes...the last ones to complete the race!

We then did a cool down lap (walking of course) and had some water and were home by 9:30am. I showered and took a nap. And when Paul woke up from his nap we went to lunch and then I went and saw the Hannah Montana movie (which was really cute so don't hate). My legs hurt so bad I had to take a bath when I got home. I still can't bend my knees, or feel my toes, but eventually my chest pains stopped. Thank god for small miracles I guess. Or maybe a large one as who knows whats going on inside there.

No, I didn't win any prizes today; however, I did get to spend 39 minutes with a great friend, have more proof of how much Paul loves me (not that I needed it) and completed the goal I set for myself. All in all, I definitely came out a winner today and what could be better than that!

Changes

Well, I've been afraid of changing cause I've
Built my life around you
Time makes you bolder
Even children get older
And I'm getting older, too.
--Dixie Chicks, Stevie Nicks, Fleetwood Mac (?)

I've been thinking a lot lately about collections and the things that people collect. My dad loves...well, lets just say old crap...clocks, art, glass punch spoons. My mom hates collections of any kind. This is partially why my parents are now divorced. Paul is not a hoarder. I've inherited my love of collecting from my dad.

We are getting ready to move to Boston. I am lucky because I have several Kappa Delta sisters from Rollins up in Boston, including my big sis Janet who I haven't seen since she graduated, and others close by in Rhode Island. I know that the bonds that we formed in KD are enough for us to sit down together. We recently had a KD/Rollins reunion and when we were all together it was like no time had passed. We laughed and joked and it was like we were all 20 years old again. Sorority sisters, to me, is a given friendship.

But what about the other friends? Our move has made me melancholy and nostalgic. It has brought to mind all the friends that I've collected along the way. I remember co-facilitating a group for adolescents one time and my co-facilitator (my good friend Heather) made the comment that these teens would likely not have the same group of friends as adults as they did now (most of them were there for substance abuse and getting in trouble with the law with their friends) and she asked me how many of my high school friends I had. I was able to say that I have a lot of the same friends now that I had in high school, that I have been blessed to find really great friends, and I've worked really hard to keep them in my life. Although I may not see them or talk to them as much as I like that doesn't mean I don't cherish them and our shared history and shared future.

When I sit down and think about it, it amazes me that some of my friends and I have gotten to the point in our lives that we have known each other longer now than we haven't known each other...meaning we have been friends over half our lives. Kristy-friends since 4th grade. Robyn & Sean-friends since age 13. Josh & Justin-friends since age 16. Amanda & Cory-friends since 9th grade. Katie & Jen-friends since 7th grade. Kelly, Suzanne, Leah, Nadine, all my KD sisters-friends since college (and many of us just celebrated 10 years out of college). Kelley & Danielle and all my CFC compadres-friends for 9 years. Karin-friends for our entire lives. Not to mention the friends I made upon my divorce--Katie R., SamE, LeaAnn, Jane & Ty, Lisa B. & Lisa C., Alex, Nichele, Mary, Melissa, Mimi & David, Breun, Amanda H., Tara & Jeff.

When I left Florida, I was so heartbroken to leave my friends. Although I consider Paul to be my bestest, it's not quite the same as a girlfriend. I have always had a strong connection to my girlfriends. They have always gotten me through those times...good and bad. They have been the ones I've turned to when my family, life, boyfriends, job has been driving me crazy. Without them I wouldn't have survived.

I thought for sure I would never find the kind of friends in Valdosta, GA that I had in Florida...and I was wrong. Here I am...8 months after moving to GA, hating the first 4 months I was here, and finding now that I don't want to leave. Even though Valdosta doesn't have a ton of amazing restaurants, much less an Olive Garden, and tons of cool bars, and the beach, and all the things I miss about Sarasota...it has my friends...Emily, Anne-Marie, Brittney, Beth-Anne, Courtney, Erika, and all the other wonderful women I've met in Valdosta, GA.

I wonder in 9 years, when Paul retires from the Air Force, and we are done moving, how many amazing people will have been brought into my life. I wonder how many amazing friends I will have made and where we will all be in life. Kids will be grown, jobs will have changed, but I will continue to work hard to hold on to those who are important to me and I know that forever our lives will be connected. And when we are old and wrinkly we will look back at our lives...and laugh...and laugh...

Old friends,
Old friends
Sat on their park bench
Like bookends.
A newspaper blown though the grass
Falls on the round toes
Of the high shoes
Of the old friends.

Old friends,
Winter companions,
The old men
Lost in their overcoats,
Waiting for the sunset.
The sounds of the city,
Sifting through trees,
Settle like dust
On the shoulders
Of the old friends.

Can you imagine us
Years from today,
Sharing a park bench quietly?
How terribly strange
To be seventy.
Old friends,
Memory brushes the same years
Silently sharing the same fears.
--Simon and Garfunkel

PS If I didn't mention you by name, it doesn't mean I cherish our friendship any less. It just means I had too much wine at Bunco tonight.

Day 2...Fat...I mean flat belly diet

So, I realized why you lose weight on this diet...because you FREAKIN starve to death...literally. Weighed myself upon waking and weighed 174.6...3 lbs. lighter, but am attributing it to water weight and not actual weight loss. We'll see what happens tomorrow.

Mornings are rough because I'm not a big get up and eat a big breakfast kind of person. I am a slow mover in the am. Never been a get up and go to the gym person either. I am a sleep late, hit snooze a lot, stretch, yawn, fight off the day kind of person. But now I'm having to get up earlier to fit in this breakfast thing. Today's breakfast was a cup of skim milk, cup of rice krispies (generic because I'm poor), unsweetened apple sauce, and 1/4 cup of sunflower seeds. I know 1/4 cup of sunflower seeds probably doesn't seem like a lot, but trust me when I say those seeds are tiny and 1/4 cup is a LOT of seeds. I probably will never eat sunflower seeds again. The book says to eat unsalted, roasted seeds, but that didn't really work for me...mostly because my Publix kind of sucks and didn't have unsalted ones, so I'm rocking the salted sunflower seeds.

Lunch was 3 oz. of PLAIN tuna, steamed carrots, a string cheese, and sassy water. I gave up on the sassy water because it was disgusting so I just did plain water (oh, I cheated and had bottled iced tea). I did the little midget can of PLAIN tuna which was kind of gross (I really like regular mayo laden tuna with cut up celery and gerkins) and I had no way to steam carrots so I did raw. Most of my bites consisted of a forkful of tuna eaten WITH a raw carrot to cover up the tuna taste. I had previously eaten my string cheese as a snack so didn't have one of those. Just so you know, a 3 oz can of tuna is the SMALLEST can they make. It's like the size of a silver dollar.

Dinner was 3 oz. of oven baked boneless, skinless chix breast, brown rice (which I broke down and put a little butter and a little low sodium salt on), and mushrooms. I did have an extra half glass of milk because I'm soooooo hungry! I may go to bed just so this day ends and I can wake up and eat breakfast.

I didn't go to the gym today, but Paul and I did take the dogs on a walk after dinner.

I may extend my 4 day anti-bloat diet to 5 so I can go to lunch with Paul tomorrow. They are going to Japanese and I LOVE Japanese. Of course then I'll probably feel guilty so who knows.

So, I've survived 2 days of torture. Only 2 more to go and then hopefully some genuine healthy changes in eating habits.

PS So, I go to the Verizon cell phone/tech center today and they welcome me and ask how they can help me and I say well, I have sort of a weird situation so the girl is like um okay and I say, "I kind of have an international stalker...from India. I need to know if y'all can block the number." I confused everyone in the store because who in the hell picks up an overseas stalker, but regardless they could NOT help me. Bastards. I told them I was NOT changing my number, that I will go to India first and find this person and beat his ass. And it's not even like a telemarketing kind of call. It is someone calling me from his home, multiple times a week, at various times through out the day (3 this morning including a voicemail from his child). And he doesn't speak English so I can't even find out why the hell he keeps calling me! So, if you know anyone from India who can translate my saved voicemails please let me know. Thanks!

Flat belly diet...Day 1

So, Flat Belly Diet...hmmm...let's just be glad I only have 3 more days on the anti-bloat portion. I do have some fears and trepidation about this diet though. My biggest fear...that I will have spent these 4 days and my weekly grocery money on all this healthy food and that I will not lose any weight nor will my belly be any smaller. One time when I was in the hospital for a stomach issue (origin still unknown, but continued much love to Karin for cleaning out my garbage can and driving me to the doctor and then to the hospital). The nurse came in to feel my stomach and she asked if I was always that bloated. I looked at her and said, "Let's be honest here...Yes, I am always this fat." She said she was trying to be nice. As much as I appreciated her attempts at not acknowledging my plump midsection...yeah...

Actually you do get to eat quite a bit on the flat belly diet. Almost too much in fact. I could not eat the entire portions of each meal. Of course when I finish these 4 days I will never want to eat another deli turkey slice again...4 oz. of turkey is MUCH more than I thought it was. I expected it to be like 4 slices, but when I weighed it on my LA Weight Loss food scale (from the LA Weight Loss diet that I paid umpteen good dollars for and then ditched) it was like 20 slices. Plus they want you to eat a pint of cherry tomatos. That is an entire package of cherry tomatos...who can possibly eat that many tomatos in one sitting? The last time I had a pint of anything it was Bacardo Limon and I threw up for an entire day afterwards.

On day 1 I weigh 177.6 lbs. I gained 2 lbs. in Boston (which should tell you how much delicious foods I ate while we were there since we did walk several days while we were up there). I can remember in high school thinking I was fat and weighing 135 lbs. If I had known then how much I would weigh now I NEVER would've complained then about being fat. I also like to think I would've eaten less, drank less alcohol, and worked out more.

I did go to the gym again today and ran my mile. It was slightly harder today as my legs seemed a little sore from yesterday plus the weather changed which always jacks up my allergies. Hence, my current headache I'm sure.

I did cheat a little today. The sassy water they want you to make and drink kind of makes me gag a little so I probably will NOT be drinking the 2 liters of that they want you to consume a day. I also had 6 gummy bears, hot tea with honey, an extra string cheese, and a spoonful of peanut butter. Since the days are based on 1200 calories for the first 4 days I am thinking I didn't do too much damage given my mile run and weights at the gym.

We shall see how day 2 goes...

A whole mess of stuff

Wow. It's been a long time since I've written anything. I guess that's a good thing since most of my old blogs were about the awful guys I've dated and the hilarious situations I would end up in from dating. God, I've dated some losers. But I digress.

I do go about my days and come across situations that I feel I could blog about, but I'm kind of lazy and don't do it as soon as I get home and then I forget. So, I decided to put a whole bunch of random stuff in this blog.

1) My grammy is hilarious! She is very feisty and her favorite trick is putting her leg upside her head while she's sitting (you know like dancers do standing). She does this trick for everyone and anyone who will watch. Unfortunately Grammy is now in a nursing home which she hates. When Grammy was young she was a little racist. She had a roommate, Mrs. Cooper. Mrs. Cooper is a funny, older black woman and she is just as feisty as Grammy. One day my aunt was there visiting (do not get me started on the rest of the family's appalling lack of concern in visiting my Grammy) and she said something about Mrs. Cooper being black or something (not anything bad, just a comment). Grammy's response..."What? Mrs. Cooper's black?" She had lived with this woman for almost a year and did not even notice that she was black. I would've given anything to have been there to hear that comment.

2) When Paul was at SOS for 5 weeks I went to visit him one weekend at the AF base. One night we went down to the officers club. It was like a fraternity party of 30 somethings. Very disturbing and slightly sad. Everyone was wasted to the point that A) one guy in Paul's flight spilled an entire cup of beer on my feet. I was wearing sandals. Don't think I didn't plop my beer soaked feet into his lap for him to wipe off; B) a guy and a girl got into a physical fight to the point that the guy had the girl in a headlock...um, okay...then someone seperated them and all was forgotten and they were back to being BFF...granted the girl looked more like a man than a woman, but; C) Another 2 guys almost got into a fight and the drunkest guy there stepped in to break them up with all his mature, drunk logic; D) this same guy kept coming over to a girl in Paul's flight telling her how beautiful she was and asking me "Isn't she beautiful?" over and over and over (to which I repeatedly reminded him that she was married--she was way nicer to him than I ever would've been cause my response would've been Leave me the fuck along drunk ass)...um, she's okay, drunk ass...she's not like a supermodel...certainly not like the time I was at a bar with a Jacksonville Jaguar cheerleader (now her I could understand why the 5 guys came over to ask me to introduce them to her), but not this girl was not anything special...of course, being a female in the military is much like being a female in Alaska...I don't think I need to say anything more than that...you get my point.

3) Paul and I just stayed in Hanscom AFB outside of Boston for a week while we looked at houses. On the base we saw an animal. It was either a groundhog, woodchuck, beaver, muskrat, or otter. So everytime we saw this animal I had to yell all 5 animals out. We also walked and Paul convinced me it would be shorter to get back to our room if we climbed up this steep ass hill. When we got to the top I was fairly certain I was having a heart attack and had to literally stop and rest.

4) Paul and I went into Salem one day to look around and eat lunch. Paul...let's just say he's not used to driving anywhere where there are people and other cars apparently. He became slightly stressed out. Northeastern roads are not for him. I laughed like a hyena of course. We decided that I would drive us everywhere and Paul would only drive himself to work and home once we live up there. We were in the car on the interstate and I kept poking Paul in the arm and he said something about me being mean and I said "I'm going to be aggressive Jenn by the time we leave Boston" to which he replied, "And I'm going to be pyschologically damaged Paul." And again I laughed like a hyena.

5) We went to the Bunker Hill monument. Paul decides we need to walk the 294 steps to the top. I don't really want to, but I don't want him to do it without me. So, up we go. About step 25 I start to breath hard. Step 50 I have to stop and rest. Step 75 I am fairly certain I am having a heart attack. Step 100 I am dizzy, have to rest, can't feel my feet, and want to go home. I give up (I can be a quitter at times) and head back down. Paul walks partially down because I think he wants to make sure I don't fall and go careening to my death. I was him to wait until a time when we are in better shape and can both do it together. Much like a small child he wants to do it RIGHT THEN and up he goes. I head back inside to search for an EMT. About 15 minutes later Paul comes in...covered in sweat...unable to speak...breathing like he's just run a marathon. This was Saturday. Today is Monday. He is still complaining how sore he is and hobbling about like a 90 year old man. My response, "I told ya so!"

6) And finally today...I basically do nothing, but do hunt down my 2007 tax return for my account (which involved me going onto H&R Blocks website, finding my log in information, and printing it out because of course I have zero idea where I put it when I did my taxes last year and am prety certain I probably didn't print or save a copy for myself anyways. Then I drop that off (this tax stuff better freaking be worth it...if I owe money I am going to be so pissed) and head to the gym. Holy shit! I ran an entire mile on an incline. Of course I am running at turtle speed and the woman running on the treadmill next to me finishes 2 miles in the time it takes me to do 1, but screw it she probably weighed 100 lbs. less than me. And I was proud of myself! Then I come home and mow the yard which takes like an hour. Halfway through the lawnmower conks out and I have to stop and clean out the bottom which is disgusting. It's like a slimy, old grass, old dog poo soup. It stinks and of course I only find a small stick with which to clean this out which of course breaks in half causing this sludge to get under my fingernails. I finally get it all cleaned out and leave this big pile of crap (literally) in the yard. Then I let the dogs back out and Sasha is EATING IT! Now I have to get 2 plastic bags and go out there and clean this sludge crap out of the grass with plastic bags (plastic Publix bags NOT an effective glove--FYI if I wanted things wrapped in plastic bags Publix why then WOULD I BRING MY OWN BAGS??? That annoys the crap out of me. I am so the person who makes them take the items out of the plastic bags). Finally I finish and get to take a much needed shower.

Tomorrow starts my 4 day belly bloat cleanse of my flat belly diet. Yes, this is an actual diet from an actual book bought at Barnes and Noble. I am fairly certain I will be extremely cranky for the next 4 days. I will let you know how it goes.

Must love dogs what?

This is what I've gone through the last few days. Keep in mind that 2 weekends ago I spent 30 minutes cleaning up 90lb. dog diarrhea.

Yesterday woke up at 6:30am and found dog vomit all over my $300 Restoration Hardware duvet. So, have to take the duvet off the down comforter and put it in the wash. Go back to bed. Wake up later and have to wash the down comforter.

Have to go to Verizon because my cell phone is broken...this is the 2nd LG Voyager I've had that has broke since I've lived in Valdosta.

Get home from dinner, am sitting on the couch, and suddenly smell something awful. Immediately put the dogs outside, but its too late. Dog diarrhea on the carpet in the dining room (don't you want to come eat dinner at my house). Did I mention that I just had shampooed the rugs on Monday or Tuesday?

Get my 1am phone call from my international stalker. Am pissed. Answer the phone and say "You have the wrong fucking number. You need to stop calling me If you call again I'm going to call the fucking cops." The guy says, "I'm sorry." 45 seconds later he calls back except I can't answer the phone because my cell phone still isn't working right. Am paranoid and scared from watching the movie "Taken" with Paul over the weekend. Worried that I am about to be kidnapped because I was rude to my international stalker. At least he called at 1am and not his usual 3am or 4am.

Have to work in Tifton today. Get to my 1st client's apartment. He doesn't have a shirt on. Um, okay, weird. Go to 2nd client's house. She is in shut down mode and barely responsive. Only have 2.5 more hours to work a miracle with her. Go back to 1st client's house to meet with him and his girlfriend. A female and 2 males are standing at the bottom of the stairwell...the female was SELLING MARIJUANA to one of the males. I have to say excuse me so I can go up the stairs. White woman in a black neighborhood...social services, probation and parole, or law enforcement...I'm expecting to get a bullet in the back as I go up the stairs plus I can hear them saying, "Whose she?" Last week when I was there I parked next to a car and the 2 guys were standing outside their car smoking pot. Nice.

Back to Valdosta. Rush home to let the dogs out. Don't anticipate being gone long so I put Beauty in her cage and leave Beast, Sasha, and Jojo out with the tv on. Go to client's house and am there for 1.5 hours. Then have to go back to Verizon because my cell still isn't working. Get a new phone (but was proud of myself because I really want a blackberry and instead took the free Voyager because I'm poor). Then have to go to Publix to get cat litter. Get home and found vomit EVERYWHERE because one of the dogs (or all 3 of them) had eaten 2 bars of almond bark, a bottle of parmigiana blend bread seasoning, and perhaps some enzyme supplements for acid reflux. Call the on call vet and leave a message. Have to shampoo the areas that are covered in vomit. Hit the diarrhea spots from last night. Am CRYING because I'm so overwhelmed and still have to mow the grass because I don't have time the rest of the week and if I waited till next week it would've been physically impossible. Try to let the amazing vomiting dogs outside with me, but Sasha and Jojo attack the lawn mower to the point that Sasha grabbed the front wheel and picked the front of the lawnmower up off the ground. So, inside they go.

Mowing the lawn takes longer when the lawnmower cuts off every 5 feet because your weeds (the backyard looked like it was covered in parsley) are knee high. Poor Beasty would get lost in there. An hour later get the backyard done. May have suffered a minor heart attack in the process and at one point almost threw up from breathing so heavy and sweating so much. Glad I skipped the gym.

The vet calls back and tells me not to worry about it. He says the vomiting was good and milk chocolate isn't that bad for dogs. It's really the baking chocolate you have to worry about. I guess we'll see if everyone survives the night.

FINALLY get to eat dinner....very healthy (NOT) homemade nachos. I used almost an entire container of fat free sour cream. At least it was fat free. Go to turn AC up and have to clean dog poo up from the hallway.

Am exhausted and going to bed. Am trying to walk in gratitude for all that I have and remember how lucky I truly am.

PS Have y'all ever seen the match.com commercials where "real members" tell a little about themselves--"it's okay to look"? Have you noticed they are all generally attractive? I used to be on match.com and I can tell you that I NEVER saw anyone I was remotely attracted to on there. Oh well. I have my honey now and couldn't be more in love if I wanted to. :)

I really hope my tomorrow does not involve dog poop or vomit. I can't take much more of that!

Those were the days

Remember when as soon as you got back to school after winter break you started to daydream about spring break...how you counted down the endless weeks until that 1 glorious week off with nothing to do but drink excessively and get sunburned on a daily basis...how it was only the thought of that 1 week of pure gluttony that got you through the boring beginning of spring semester. Man, oh man, THOSE were the days!

Spring break is almost here at VSU. Students walking around campus today will be leaving tomorrow for far off lands with ne'er a thought on their minds, but where they are going to get drunk next. I have to admit as I drove through campus today I experienced a slight bit of jealousy. Okay, more than a slight bit. A huge, gut gnawing, deep sigh of longing, why am I so old, jealousy.

Instead, today I ran errands, saw no clients, earned no money, and well, let me just tell you what I did today...woke up, rescheduled a client for tomorrow because her wallet got stolen, read, went to the gym, came home, showered, went to lunch, went to Paul's accountant, went to the library, read, tried to see a new client, new client wasn't home, left a note, went to Walgreens, went to the library again, returned home, put a load of laundry in, cleaned the carpets, put the clothes in the dryer, ate dinner, watched tv, packed for the weekend, put laundry away, and now more tv and internet.

I guess I feel I had a busy today because I certainly ran around a lot, but it would've been nice to have earned some money. You don't realize how much you need a full time until you don't have one. I would rather work than not work. Well, I'd rather work a job I like.

But I miss spring break. I miss college. I wonder how I got this old. I wonder how I'll feel in 9 years when I'm 40. I think about all the kids I've worked with who are now in their 20's with their own lives and own families. I miss the beach. I miss drinking and staying up late. A friend told me over the weekend that she thought people who didn't want to have children were unnatural and she couldn't understand that. I can understand that. There are days when I crave having a child and there are days that I cannot imagine having a child. I think part of having a child means that you accept getting older because you age as your child age. If you are childless you can pretend at youngness. You don't have to face the reality of getting older so early. Children mean being selfless (or it should to an extent) and I am not sure I'm there yet. It scares me this growing up, and growing older, and being a parent. But at the same time I don't want to wake up at 40 and regret not having children. I know Paul wants kids. He probably wants them more than I do (at least right now). I still want us to have fun and to be able to travel and to be selfish for a little bit longer. Once you have a child you can't give him/her back. And hopefully you're own mental health is in a good place before you have a child so you don't pass that craziness on to your poor unsuspecting offspring.

It's strange how a blog I thought was going to be about spring break has turned into a blog about aging. I guess that is the same way life is...you start off heading one way and end up in a totally different direction.

My Random Weekend

I wonder sometimes if anyone has as much randomness in their lives as I do:

Thursday: Took the dogs and drove down to FL for the weekend. It seemed to take forever to get there. Dropped the dogs off at my mom's and went to the store to buy ingredients for our dinner. Accosted the girl scout and her mom selling cookies outside Publix as have not been able to find girl scout cookies in Valdumpster. Go home and cook a delicious dinner from the Campbells Soup website except forgot to put milk in it. I guess it could've been more delicious. Did enjoy my cookies for dessert.

Friday: Went to Cyesis and saw my kids and ate lunch up there with my Cyesis family. Fun, fun, fun! Afterwards went over to Teen Court and saw my Teen Court family and my friend Amanda who works in the same building. Reminisced while driving around Sarasota. Feeling very homesick since Paul has been out of town for work. Don't think I ever appreciated how nice Sarasota is while I lived there.

Friday night: Went on a date with my dad. Went to a tapas restaurant in Pt. Charlotte. Yummy! Everything tastes good with a good bottle of wine though...hehe! Seriously, it was all tasty. Then decided to go get ice cream in Venice (gotta have my Kilwins). On the way there we saw A CAMEL! As we drove down Main St. my dad said that the wine store was open. He asked if I wanted wine or ice cream and of course I said both. So, we go to the wine store and it was like some weird bizarro old people bar...imagine a well lit, non-smoky bar, full of social, chatty, senior citizens. I was the youngest person there by 30 years. When I got out of the bathroom my dad was talking to a woman who I found out had been a realtor he worked with previously to buy a house. She thought I was his date! After we enjoyed our glass of wine and each bought a bottle of wine (and were the last people to leave at 9pm if even), we went to Kilwins and enjoyed some ice cream. I then went back to my mom's and watched tv with her.

Saturday: Woke up and took Jojo to the farmers market in Sarasota with my mom (stopped at Starbucks on the way). Wondered why I didn't go to the farmers market more when I lived there. We then went to eat lunch at C'est La Vie...the best bread I've ever had! I mean I have been there and usually go because their bread is that good. Bread with tons of butter. Jojo sat patiently by my side and enjoyed his own little slice of bread heaven. Across the street from us was a puppeter with an elephant playing the piano! Then my mom made me go with her to my old house to pick up her composter that I was using. I had to pee so bad and Melissa had the screen doors all locked so I had to pee in the backyard! I then decided I had to ride that camel I saw last night and made my mom take me over there. Well, the camel guy was out to lunch so I settled for having my picture taken with a baby tiger instead. The men working at the little zoo in the parking lot in front of Ross (clothing store) all appeared to have been recently released from prison and in dier need of a dentist. We then went back to mom's and had our own personal dog park with my 4 dogs and her 3 dogs. I then let Sasha go swimming which she loves. I then had to take a nap from which I almost didn't wake up.

Saturday night: I met my friend Jennifer at Mattison's City Grill for dinner. She lost over 20 lbs. and looks absolutely fantastic! People who have the will power to lose weight fascinate me because I am soooooo lazy and unmotivated despite my constant complaing about how fat I am. After a very delicious dinner (I even went vegetarian with grilled portobello mushrooms and goat cheese) and some even better glasses of wine we decided to go to Marina Jack's. We initially sat outside and had a beverage; however, when I went inside to use the restroom I noticed a piano bar. When I came back outside and told Jennifer she had the same reaction I did which was awesome! So, we moved the party inside and got a seat right up front. We ordered another beverage and some potato skins. This woman walks in who I recognized except I thought it was a caregiver from Cyesis. She came over and gave me a hug and I said, "Long time no see" because I had seen her yesterday. Jennifer and I spent a good deal of time watching a woman who had an extremely inappropriate short dress on...so short that we were in fact convinced that it was a tunic top and not a dress at all. We bet on how long it would take before her underwear were showing. And she was no spring chicken, nor was she a playboy bunny. And the pianist played Mambo #5...WATCH OUT...apparently old people LOVE that song because everyone got up to dance. This weird threesome of 2 women and 1 man were extremely good dancers and perhaps swingers as well. Although if he had asked me to dance I would've said yes just to dance cool like them.

Saturday/Sunday early morning: In the middle of the night I woke up and thought "That wasn't the caregiver from Cyesis. It was Dr. Post from the school board." She is the district discipline coordinator and I used to attend her expulsion meetings for a job I had. Then I spent the rest of the night and all day Sunday trying to figure out who the hell I hugged at the bar. I still have no freaking clue and it's driving me crazy!

Sunday: Stupid time change! Am so exhausted can hardly get out of bed. Being slightly hungover probably did not help. Eventually dragged myself out of bed, but decided against a shower because I thought I might take Sasha to the dog beach later. Went to brunch with my mom. Went home. Watched my mom try to take down an antenna off the little house (let's just say she was not successful). Really want a nap, but need to get ready to go to Strawberry Festival and want to stop by my dad's first. Receive a call from Breun about her friend who had passed away. Went to dad's for a quick 30 minute visit and then drove to Breun's. Went with Breun to visit her friend whose husband passed away the night before. Oddly, her friend's neighbor also died in his sleep the night before as well. Am very sad for Breun's friend. They are a younge couple, younger than me. Can't imagine Paul dying now. Breun and I went to the Strawberry Festival and wandered around enjoying corn dogs, strawberry shortcake, elephant ears, and lemonade. 10,000 calories later and some wacky pictures we got ready to see Jessica Simpson. A couple Breun is friends with was also there and we sat with them and chatter while we waited for the concert to start. As we're talking I look over and see a guy I went to middle and high school with! Breun and I go to our seats and I had to say hi to this guy as we were friends. Of course his wife is gorgeous and I look like I belong at the Plant City Strawberry Festival aka hillbilly heaven. Clinton and Stacy would've been so disappointed in me...in my unattractive jeans, fitted t-shirt, pink converse and keep in mind that I hadn't showered, nor washed my hair since Thursday. So, I bite the bullet and say hi and we're chatting. I tell him how I'm getting married to Breun's 7th grade boyfriend and he laughs becuase he had just told his wife that I was HIS 7th grade girlfriend (longest two weeks of my life! Just kidding!). He's a doctor and was supposed to be a plastic surgeon and told me at our 5 year class reunion he'd give me free lipo, but instead he went general medicine and offered me Botox. Hmmm... Funny. I found out later that he got to meet Jessica Simpson (who looked awesome and in no way, shape, or form fat) so I am sure I looked extra assy to him with my greasy hair. If anyone wants to submit me to What Not to Wear I would much appreciate it. Thanks. My grossness did not stop me from getting late night Taco Bell becuase I was surprisingly starving when I got back to Venice at 11pm. Hmmm, why can't I lose weight? Damn you general medicine! My mexican pizza and nachos were damn tasty though.

Monday: I woke up and went to let the dogs out and noticed some poop. As its early and I am tired I cannot deal with this so I let the dogs out and figured I'd clean up when I woke up (it was on linoleum, not carpet). When I got up again later I noticed that it wasn't just a little poop it was our 90 lb. boxer had had diarrhea EVERYWHERE! It smelled like something died in her and then crawled out and died again on the floor. Which is exactly what you want to smell after consuming a corn dog, strawberry shortcake, and late night Taco Bell the night before. It took me 30 minutes to clean up this shit. Now, it could've taken so long becuase I kept having to stop to gag and cover my nose and mouth with a Clorox wipe which was the only thing I had handy (the one time I don't bring my Vicks vaporub somewhere with me). I finally showered and packed up the car and head back to Valdosta. Of course there was construction traffic so it took me an hour to get out of Sarasota, but I did stop at Jersey Mike's for a sub to eat on the way home. Luckily Sasha waited till I finished eating to expel her terrible gas (for the next 4 hours). She was nice enough to warn me with a sound similar to air being let out of a balloon and then stank explosion. I saw a dead cow, stopped at an exit to give the dogs some water and saw an accident where the guy in front of almost ran over the EMT because the ambulance stopped right in front of us (no worries, just a fender bender), stopped at a rest area and a man walked into the bathroom while I was washing my hands, and saw a massive forest fire. I did begin to call 911, but hung up becuase I figured anyone driving by would've seen the huge cloud of smoke. 911 then called me back and the dispather left me a message and said, "If this is an emergency please call (at which points he hesitates) 9-1-1" and then he also leaves the non-emergency dispatch number which made me laugh hysterically. I refrained from calling back.

Monday night: MetroOne Progressive Dinner. Fun, fun, fun! After a huge ass meal to go with my even huger ass and some beer (I totally wasn't going to drink until they said the beer was included and you can't pass up free beer) my friend Brittany took me to Spook Hill. She told me how this doctor and his family used to live there and he came home from work one night to find his entire family murdered. He doesn't like people to be at his house so if you stop in front of his house, put your car in neutral, he pushes your car up the street which is on a hill. I am totally skeptical. We get there and she puts the car in neutral. The car freaking rolls up the hill and not just a slight roll, but we got up over 10 miles per hour. I then made Brittany turn around so the back of the car was facing uphill and we rolled backward up the hill. All my hairs stood up! I then had to go home alone and felt kind of creeped out.

You will be proud of me becuase Tuesday I saw another forest fire and did not call 911 at all...it was slightly easier because a cop had just passed me and I hoped he would've reported a fire.

So, that was random weekend...Appropriate pictures are on my facebook in an album entitled Random weekend.

My worst fear

The entire time I've lived in GA I have been terrified of being pulled over by a GA police officer. Now to be far my fear is based on the following: stereotypes, the television show Cops, the movie The Texas Chainsaw Massacre (I understand this movie was based in TX, but GA seems eerily similar in mindset), and reports from my clients interactions with the police which are NEVER good.

And today my worst fear came true...I got pulled over by an Adel, GA police officer! I had just gotten off the interstate and didn't realize the speed limit as I had only seen a sign that said 45mph. The officer informed me I was going 52 in a 35 and asked why I was driving so fast. I explained to him that I had never been on this road before and was on my way to do a home study for DFCS. And then I said how I was hoping it was Officer Turner. He asked if I knew Officer Turner and I said I did, he used to work with my fiance.

He took my license, went back to his car, came back, and gave me a warning. Yeehaw! Especially since he told me that ticket would've bee $188. Yikes! He ended up being really nice and even went over my directions with me (I felt I needed to pretend to need help since I had claimed to be trying to make sure I was on the right road initially).

When I finally got to my client's house she was raising a family of baby squirrels whose nest had fallen out of a tree which made me laugh because Bob and Sheri had just talked to people who were raising squirrels that morning. Random!

A dog's life

I've been thinking a lot about our fish (Diamond, Lil Mo, Big Dawg, Metros, and Chelsea) and what would happen to them when we leave...okay, I've really been thinking about boring it would be to be a fish stuck in a tank and wondering what the hell do they think about all day stuck in that tank, swimming around and around, never getting anywhere (much life my job). So, I mentioned something to Paul when I talked to him earlier about these things and of course he was hateful saying he was going to flush the fish down the toilet to which I reminded him that Big Dawg would probably not fit down the toilet so he said he'd let the cats have them and then I got upset so we had to change the subject.

The new subject...the dogs and cats (1 guess as to who chose this topic of conversation) and how they are all just chillaxing in the living room, not doing anything. And Paul mentioned that MY life was much like the dogs and cats lives which made me think:

My life is like our dogs and cats. Let me give you the evidence:

1. I get up whenever I want, often with no real purpose for waking.

2. Upon waking I take care of my "business."

3. I may or may not leave the house on any given day.

4. I may clean myself during the day...or I may not (closely related to #3).

5. You can often find me napping on the couch during the day...covered with 3 dogs and 2 cats with another dog next to the couch.

6. I love to eat.

7. I weigh twice as much as our Boxer.

8. I may or may not exercise during the day. I will chase things, like the ice cream truck.

9. I have to sleep completely covered with blankets...much like my little dogs.

10. I love to give kisses and to snuggle.

11. I constantly nudge Paul's hand so that he rubs my feet, plays with my hair, etc.

12. I am fiercely loyal.

13. I can spend hours in meaningless activities.

14. I will sleep in front of the fireplace for days if given the opportunity.

15. I am an expert at conserving energy.

16. I am easily distracted....by bugs, clouds, noise...

Hmmm...sad...

Words you don't want to hear

It was the summer of 1998...the summer between my junior and senior year of college. I have to admit I was pretty hot that summer (yea lifeguarding) with a fierce tan and long blond hair...sigh...those were the days...

But I was also in this weird trying to be good faze and I wouldn't sleep with the guy I was dating all summer.

Apparently that didn't matter to him or so I thought...

The summer went by in a drunken haze...lifeguarding during the day and going out with the group at night...multiple nights a week...or having people over at the apartment Leah and I shared.

Leah, Brooke, Lauren, me, Mike, Tonya, Jeremiah, Mandy, Gene, Tracy, Alex, and whatever other random folks were around us.

Mike, Gene, Tracy, and I met through work. Leah, Lauren, Brooke, and I were sorority sisters together. We met Jeremiah and Alex through Mike. Mike had met Tonya and Mandy (who was also a KD from KY) at Pleasure Island which was our place for the summer. Buy a season pass, drink before you go (thanks Lauren, our underage designated driver all summer), and party for free. You'd think going roughly 3 nights a week would be boring, but surprisingly it wasn't.

So, Alex was the one I was dating, Gene and Tracy were dating, and Mike and Tonya were dating. The beginning of the summer I went to NJ with my mom. While I was gone they had a birthday party for Alex.

I get home and partying resumes. Except now Mandy cries every time she sees Alex and I together. I question this, but Alex and everyone else convinces me that she is just crazy. Oh, how stupid I can be...

The summer progresses and Mandy remains a raging lunatic. Too the point that her mom comes down and goes out with us to Pleasure Island. Mandy wears this camouflage, spandex dress. She then introduces Brooke and Leah and maybe Lauren to her mom as her friends..keep in mind that despite hanging out in the same group for the entire summer and being sorority sisters she had never actually talked to any of us (neither had Tonya at this point because her and Mandy were BFF). But she doesn't introduce me. Then her mom makes a comment about at least we aren't dressed slutty like she is.

Then she introduces Alex to her mom as her boyfriend...while Alex and I are holding hands...and later making out on the dance floor while Mandy hooks up with another guy!

Then Leah and I have a party at our apartment. It was truly a drunken night to remember. At one point Leah and I went outside and unscrewed a light that shined into our apartment and moved it so that it shined onto the naval base across the street. In addition to our regular crew, Mike's random friend and Mandy's whore cousin were also in attendance.

So, when Mandy gets there (how nice am I that we keep inviting this crazy ass girl to hang out with us) and sees me sitting on Alex's lap while we play cards and runs out of the apartment crying. Alex feels that he should go talk to her and leaves after her. Hours go by. I go outside. Leah goes to bed (it's fairly late or early depending on how you want to look at it). Jeremiah comes out to tell me that Mike's random friend and Mandy's whore cousin are having sex in the living room on our couch. So, I ask Jeremiah to kindly ask them to leave (okay maybe it didn't come out exactly like that) and he does.

I go back inside (after the sexscapades are over) only to find another one of our sisters, Kelly G, asleep in my bed. In my drunken state I decide a 4am bath would be a grand idea so I take a bath and then am stuck sleeping on the sex couch.

Finally Alex comes back. Keep in mind hours have gone by. He tells me that Mandy was upset because they were talking at his birthday party and she thought they were going to date. He then tells me he had to help look for Mandy's whore cousin whom they found passed out next to the dumpster (a sign perhaps?).

Summer ends and Alex and I end as well (no break up, just kind of went back to our normal lives). Mandy goes back to KY, but Tonya stays.

I am at a party one night and Tracy comes up to me and says "You know Mandy's pregnant right?" And I say, "What! Whose the father?" And she says, "Alex." And I say, "Alex who?" And she says, "Alex so and so." OMG...THE ALEX I WAS DATING ALL SUMMER!!! She then tells me Mandy got pregnant at Alex's bday party and that is why she was a lunatic all summer! Are you f**king kidding me?

Then surprise of all surprises Tonya gets a job at the YMCA where we all work and she gets put on MY shift at the front desk and I have to train her! So, the first night we work together (now keep in mind we spent AN ENTIRE SUMMER TOGETHER WITHOUT EXCHANGING TWO WORDS) I say, "I have to ask you something. Is Mandy pregnant?" And she confirms it. She says she told Mike to tell me, but he didn't want to get involved (thanks asshole).

Mandy gets an abortion and Tonya and I ended up becoming really good friends. Of course we were all on a party bus for Mike's birthday and Alex said something about his girlfriend missing her period and someone said "Is this going to be another Mandy situation?" I was like I'm right here douche bags!

But all in all...it was the funnest summer I had all college! lol

GPS what?

I generally think my sense of direction is good. Usually if I go someplace once I can find it again.

However, there are those times....

The other day I was on my way to see a new client. I typed her address into my GPS and didn't seem like it would too hard to find. I mean Valdosta isn't that big...you can literally go from one side to the other in less than 10 minutes and a trip through downtown never takes longer than 2 minutes...and that's if you hit all the red lights.

Now, I'm coming from the other side of Valdosta (you know the wrong side of the tracks side). Valdosta literally has a bridge and train tracks to seperate the right side from the wrong side...and it gets a little tricky through there. I totally miss the turn because I had the GPS on mute. Turn the volume on and now it's telling me to turn left, but of course I'm in the right lane so I just turn right and then it tells me to backtrack about 1.5 miles. I hit Martin Luther King Jr. Blvd and thought "hmmmmm." I turn on MLK and then turn right on another road.

So, after having to go around the block to find the street I need because of course it doesn't connect to the street I'm on even though the GPS says it does I am now on Lake Park Rd. and I'm supposed to be on Old Lake Park Rd. I immediately turn in the wrong direction and have to turn around. Looking for the house number and completely don't see it. End up totally...I don't even know. Call my client and she's trying to give me directions over the phone and she says to turn right at the stop sign and I'm not even on a road with a stop sign.

I finally park and wait for her to come find me and wonder what the hell good is my GPS when it can never get me to my destination!!!

This car pulls up with this girl inside and she doesn't say anything and I say "Are you so and so?" and she nods. As I am following her into the neighborhood where I had to call the police on that guy with a gun I'm thinking "Hmm, this girl could be anyone and I am just blindly following her wherever she wants to take me."

We get to a house which I totally PASSED WHEN I DROVE DOWN HER STREET EARLIER and go inside and are together about 15 minutes when she has a family emergency and we have to reschedule to Saturday. I usually don't work on Saturday, but I really wanted to get a few extra hours in plus I don't have anything better to do.

But the whole situation reminded me of another time when I got lost in OH. I used to be a Brownie Troop leader with my friend Danielle and when I say we were the worst troop leaders ever believe me. One night I'm on my way home from Brownies (and the school where we had Brownies was not even 2 miles away from my house) and I somehow took a wrong turn. Except I didn't realize it. Thinking I'm still on the right road, imagine my surprise to come up to a stop sign...which I blew through because I wasn't expecting it and almost got sandwhiched from cars coming from both directions. After that I begin to realize something is not quite right and I call my then husband, but I don't know where the hell I am so I can't even help him tell me how to get home. Eventually through just driving around aimlessly I find a street I recognize and get home. I was only lost within 1/2 mile from my house!

Maybe my directional skills aren't as good as I initially thought they were....lol

PS I am watching my cat carry my dog's leopard print sweater around the house in his mouth and now he's attacking it. I wonder if he thinks it's an actual leopard? This cat thinks he's a dog...thanks Leah!

Jenn's 911 call of the day

Let me tell you about my random Thursday:

It all began last night. It was extremely windy out and I had trouble sleeping (I mean more trouble than usual) because I have an intense fear of tornadoes. As I lay there devising a plan to save ourselves and our pets (this involved either quickly dragging the dog kennels into the hallway from the spare room, covering them with the spare bed, opening some windows, and then Paul & I hiding in our closet covered by pillows OR getting the dogs out of the cages and into the closet with us and the pillows...the cats unfortunately were on their own as I just could not figure out a way to corral them in enough time before the tornado hit the house). I finally fell asleep (courtesy of some melatonin--FYI great sleep aid, but will give you WEIRD dreams) only to be woken up by thunder and lightening. Finally fell back asleep only to be woken up by Paul's alarm clock which he decided to reset for another HOUR! Then I dozed in and out until 9:15am.

I was going to go to the gym this morning; however, felt watching an old episode of Tori & Dean Inn Love that I had tivo'd was more important...followed by an extensive searching of The Girls Next Door online, specifically Bridgette Marquedht. I am obsessed with knowing why they all broke up and felt the need to waste an hour of my life trying to find out.

Got dressed. Went to Publix and got subs for our lunch. Waited for Paul to come home. Had lunch with Paul.

Went to see a client. Noticed what looked like a controlled burn (minus anyone or anything monitoring it) on the side of the highway. I didn't pay too much attention because people in GA love to burn things like no ones business. I swear I pass some kind of fire on a daily basis. Must be because they have NOTHING ELSE TO DO IN SOUTH GA. An hour and a half later went back by this fire. Noticed the fire was larger and had spread and still not one single person monitoring it.

Made the difficult decision to call 911 just to make sure and this was our conversation:

Her: 911, what's your emergency?

Me: Hi, I'm just calling to see if y'all are aware of a fire on the side of highway 84.

Her: Um, no ma'am we are not. What is the location?

(now I have to try and figure out what the hell direction this road goes in and where the hell I am)

Me: Um, does 84 go east to west. It was near Delmare.

Her: Where?

Me: Um, on the way to Naylor, but on I guess the west bound side. Oh, near CCC Rd.

Her: On the way to Valdosta?

Me: Yes.

Her: What is your name?

(and here is where it always gets dicey because I do have a fear of being arrested someday for false reporting or my excessive use of the 911 system)

Me: Jennifer.

Her: What number are you calling from?

I tell her the number. She thanks me and we get off the phone.

2 miles up the road is the fire station and as I get up near the fire station and am debating whether to stop and try to clarify my bad location description a fire truck pulls out and across the road and heads towards the fire...SUCCESS!

So, I immediately want to call Paul, but remembered he was teaching class so I called my sister to gloat.

Get to another client's house. Let's just say that it did not end well.

I then do the Wii fit for 50 minutes...after he chastises me for my lack of work out commitment and calls me overweight he also tells me I lost 1.5 lbs...in the past 23 days. I did rock the Wii fit yoga though and have the high score for all yoga poses.


Then dinner, tv, and bedtime...such a glamorous life I lead! No complaints though. I have a lot to be grateful for!

The Proposal--Feb. 7, 2009

Did anyone see the movie "Bride Wars?" Remember where the Kate Hudson character basically proposes to herself...that was basically me this evening...

Last night we went out for a romantic dinner, went to First Friday, and then Paul was planning on proposing...except I got drunk! So, he figured he couldn't propose if I was hammered!

Then this morning he was going to slip it on my finger while we were cuddling except I got out of bed before he was awake. So, he asks me to come back to bed to cuddle and I say I have things to do so he says just for 2 minutes. I lay down and exactly 2 minutes later I get out of bed. He had the ring IN HIS HAND! lol

Tonight we go to a party and Paul says something and my response is "So where's my ring?" And Paul said "It's in our bedroom." And I said "No it's not. You would keep it in your office at work." And Paul insists that it's at home, on a thumb tack on the back of his night stand. So, I say "I bet you $100 there's a not a ring." And we shake on the bet. And Paul says that he can offer me other proof that he has the ring.

We get home and we go in the bedroom and we're lying on the bed and Paul says, "I proposed once and you said no." And I reminded him it was because he didn't have a ring and he says, "So, if I propose again are you going to say yes?" And I say, "If you have a ring." And he leans over and turns back around and has a ring in his hand and says, "Will you marry me?" And I start laughing and crying and he puts the most beautiful ring on my finger!

Our engagement story is perfect for us as a couple because it is totally who we are as a couple...

Plus his other proof was that he called my dad yesterday on his way home from work and asked for his permission...awwwwww!

And I found out that he ordered the ring before he went to the Superbowl and picked it up the day he got back...after he came home for lunch and we had a fight at lunch...he left from lunch and went and got the ring so he must love me tons to want to still marry me after that...lol

Oh, and now we're watching the History of Sex on the History channel...lol

Another One Bites the Dust--Dec. 7, 2005

From my myspace blog:

So my theme song...another one bites the dust...I cannot do relationships. I don't understand dating, I am not good at it, and I am tired of getting my heart broken. In the past year and a half I have gotten divorced, had a huge fight with a guy I was in love with forever which allowed him to meet the love of his life, dated a guy who was so beyond committment phobic that they needed a new word (he has since started dating one of my close friends so I guess he got over his phobia--good for him--that's nice), dated another friend who decided he'd rather date random bar chicks and girls from the internet, dated a cop who thought I was too good looking and intelligent (he actually told the people who set us up that), and a fireman who apparently either died or fell off the earth because he just stopped calling (what is that??? just call and say you don't want to go out anymore--it's okay--be a man!). My ex-husband has a new girlfriend, love of my life obviously new girlfriend (that he's planning on proposing to), ex dating my close friend (let me say that I am a kick ass friend b/c I've actually hung out with both of them!), asshole that I wasted 6 months of my life already has a new girlfriend (was the bed even cold from when I left??? We only broke up 2 weeks before you met her or maybe not ya big cheater), and Fireman...well, who knows, maybe he moved although he has not had any problem checking his match.com profile from wherever he is...

I wouldn't say that I'm bitter. More resigned to my fate as a "setter upper" aka the girl guys date and work all their weird bullshit out on so they then can move on to the girl they want to marry. But it definitely does not make me want to date...anyone....ever again...

Do other people out there share this fate? I like to think of myself as "The Angel of Love" helping others find true happiness...with other people. And if I hear one more time from a married or coupled friend "Don't worry. He's out there. You'll find him." SHUT UP! Maybe he's not out there and that is okay. Everyone couple needs that single female friend they envy because she is unencumbered and gets to travel and have exotic adventures and send their kids cool toys from other countries while they are stuck at home changing shitty diapers. :)

That is my rant for the day. Hope it made you laugh even though, sadly, it's all true...

Why am I not a Playboy playmate?

I mean, besides the obvious reasons such as weighing approximately 90lbs. more than a playmate; not having huge, fake breasts; not having a flat stomach; excessive amounts of cellulite...

If you can look past those reasons, then I don't understand why I'm not Hugh Hefners next girlfriend. Yes, the thought of being physically intimate with him makes me throw up in my mouth a little, but I think, for enough money and fame, I could get over that. (And I am obsessed with knowing if he sleeps with all his girlfriends or just the main one or none of them...does anyone know???)

I certainly have the personality to be a Girl Next Door as I love to walk around naked (although most people would NOT want to see me walk around naked). I'm funny and loud and outgoing and people like me. I am less obnoxious than Kendra, smarter than Holly, and I like Bridgett so I can't say anything bad about her. I definitely am BETTER looking than the twins that he has as his next girlfriends. Even though they are from FL...yuck! He could've done better.

Maybe if I work out really really really hard at the gym (oh, and find the money to pay for liposuction and a personal chef) my new goal can be to be in Playboy. I think Paul would support that. Besides Bridgett is like 36 and I'm only 31...I got time.

I guess while I wait for my big, naked break I will continue to enjoy life here in south GA (Valdumpster holla) with my fiance...

Do you think Playboy will ever do a big girls edition? If so, I'm all over that!

PS I usually don't like to talk about my clients, but just to illustrate the differences between the races...my gay, black, female client wants to gain weigh so she can be "thick" like me (yes, she called me thick at our session today) because she thinks she is too thin and I want to be thin like her because life isn't fair! She eats like crap and doesn't exercise and has 2 kids and has a much better body than me...I guess the grass is always greener on the other side...lol.

PPS I am officially a Licensed Clinical Social Worker and can now start looking for a job in Boston!!! Oh, and I'm getting married!!!!

Gran Torino and funny conversations

Paul and I have seen some good movies lately...Marley & Me, Bride Wars, and tonight Gran Torino. I have to admit I was not that thrilled about going, but since Paul so graciously took me to see Bride Wars I felt that, in the spirit of compromise, I needed to take him to see Gran Torino.

Whoa...

It was a truly fantastic movie. You know that when you are leaving a theater and everyone is absolutely silent that the movie touched people way down to their souls.

So, I sent my mom, dad, and sister a text message that said "Gran Torino is sooo good and sooo sad."

From this my dad calls and leaves me a voicemail about how he just got my message...um, yeah dad because I just sent it 2 minutes ago.

So, I call him back and he says "Oh, you're driving home? Are you having problem with the Gran Torino?"

So, I say "What?"

My dad thought my text meant that I was driving in a Gran Torino and having problems with it and was stuck on the side of the road. Hmmmmmm....luckily one of his friends was with him and explained that Gran Torino was also a movie.

But people who know what completely random associations I make should now understand where I get that trait from...poop rolling down the road anyone? A shark's tooth on a deck of a cruise ship...I mean bird poop?

Anyways, it was a truly moving, spectacular, change your outlook movie. Go see it!

Things that may cause me to resume drinking

So, we all know I've given up drinking for January...at least until my party on the 24th. But today...today I almost gave in. I desperately wanted a glass of wine when I got home from work. I was strong, but I think anyone could've forgiven me for my slip.

First we had a LONG night. Sasha, our boxer, was sick and barked to go out every 2 hours. I got up the first time and Paul got up every other time (it was too cold for me to get out of bed), but since I'm a light sleeper I woke up every time.

I had a LONG day. It started with saying goodbye to one of my clients who is going to rehab. She's like my fave and I wish her all the best. I didn't have the heart to tell her that I wouldn't be here when she got back, but I will make sure I say goodbye somehow before we leave.

Then I rushed home to let the dogs out and make sure Sasha was okay.

Then I drove to Tifton and spent an hour and a half with my angry client...she's a trip! She is the loudest talker ever. Imagine yelling and now imagine that is the person's regular tone of voice.

Then I met another therapist for lunch. And we had a great time! But I found out that Turner County, GA still is segregated...as in segregated proms and segregated cheerleading squads (the white girls cheer for football, the black girls cheer for basketball). 2007 was their FIRST desegregated prom! Are you f*cking kidding me? And she said the PARENTS were the ones who continue to plan these seperate proms and even though they had the ONE prom, that the parents still held seperate events. What kind of school district allows this to occur? I may have to write Oprah and get her on this case!

Then it was back to a client's house. She may have the worst children in America. I am fairly certain her children would cause the super nanny or nanny 911 to curl up in the fetal position and enter into a coma like state out of sheer horror. And this was a good day. I don't understand why the mother isn't an alcoholic. And child abuse isn't even her issue (but between us...would totally understand if it was). Imagine 3 minions of the devil...and they are only 1, 3, and 4 years old. There was kicking, biting, throwing things. There is a puppy and I'm constantly afraid I may have to try and kidnap the puppy. Everytime they go near the dog I think to myself "Run, puppy, run!" And mom said the same thing out loud!

Then I drove AN HOUR to another client's house where she started crying except it was like listening to the air being let out of a balloon for 30 minutes. Neighborhood dogs started barking. High pitched, awful noise. And I swear she talked for 30 minutes without stopping for air. And she hadn't turned the light on when I got there so it got progressively darker until finally I couldn't see to write in my notebook anymore and I had to stop her so she could turn the light on.

Then I got home and as soon as I walk into the house it smelled like something had DIED somewhere. All I can think is that Sasha had pooped in her cage and I was going to walk into a MESS. I had to put Vicks under my nose just to go in their without gagging. And what did I find when I got in there? NOTHING. I looked everywhere in the house and checked the dog. Not a thing. It was so strange! And so disgusting. I still have no idea why or what. I even looked under the bed. I was afraid one of my cats had exploded under there or something.

Then I caught up on the Real Housewives of Orange County from last night. Let me just say...

Tamra...BITCH and a bad person.
Vicki...BITCH and annoying as all get out
Jeanna...I like her
Gretchen...I'd kill someone to have her body; however, she is a gold digger and kinda slutty
Lynn...she seems okay; however, she always looks like she has a mouth full of marbles and her daughter makes me want to punch something
Laurie...miss her, wonder how she's that lucky

And the Valdosta Daily Times printed my rant, but totally changed it:

To the parents at the Steamhouse restaurant last night who refused to take their crying 2-year-old home: Take a parenting class. You ruined dinner for every person in the restaurant. Just thought you should know.

And didn't print it until today so the meaning is completely gone.

Oh well. Time go to bed so I can do it all over again tomorrow...

A long journey

I have been making an effort to de-clutter my life. Part of this has been going through old photos and getting rid of all the doubles I have, setting aside pics to send to others, and sorting through all the pics of my exhusband, Todd.

I have always struggled what to do with pictures of me and my exhusband. Sometimes that life seems like it happened to a whole other person, and yet it was a part of my life. Just throwing the pictures somehow seems wrong...almost like it would be disrespectful to that piece of me and to Todd.

So, I decided that I'd send all his family pictures that don't have me in them to his mom with a note explaining that I thought maybe she would like them. I am not sure if this is the right or wrong thing to do. I don't think they have the best opinion of me and I don't want her to think I'm sending them to be spiteful. I just felt I couldn't get rid of pictures of their family because I've always loved his family. When we got divorced it was them I missed.

But I did get rid of the pictures of me and Todd (minus my wedding album). I feel that I'm finally ready to let that piece of my life go and move on. I kept the wedding album because regardless of our divorce much of my family and friends were in attendance and I wanted to have that memory of all of us together. My closest friends were in my wedding. My Grammy was there and my mom's family who is now estranged.

Looking through all old photos brought out a lot of different emotions. Some made me laugh, some made me wonder how I could look so much fatter than I do now when I was 20 lbs. lighter, and some made me regretful.

The regret is because I was a really bad wife. Looking back I can remember all the times when I treated Todd horribly just because I was unhappy. I think the unhappiness shows in my physical appearance. In almost every picture I just did not look good. And I'm embarrassed at how I acted towards him and his family. If I could go back and change things I would. That's not to say I wouldn't have ended up divorced, but I would've handled things differently. I would've acted more grateful and graceful and less awful. It makes me sad for myself and for Todd to think of how I acted during those years because all he ever asked for was for me to love him.

I've been on a long journey and I hope I've learned something. I think I have. I think I have become more peaceful, more content with my life. I let go of things that needed to be let go of and have found happiness in the happiness of others. I have kept the friends I've needed to keep and let go of those I didn't and made entirely new ones in the process. Despite my desire to lose weight I'm more accepting of my physical appearance and I think my happiness with myself shows in how I look now. I know myself better and I am always striving to be a better person, to learn, to grow spiritually, mentally, and emotionally.

If for some reason I died tonight I would die happy and content with the life I've lived. And I guess that is truly all anyone can hope for.