Fortune shines on me...and my exboyfriend, I guess

Okay, so I had made the supremely stupid mistake of cosigning my exboyfriend's jeep loan. Of course he wasn't my exboyfriend then and I thought we'd be together forever or at least long enough for him to get the jeep refinanced in his own name (and I won't even tell how I stupidly loaned him money because that is a whole other story).
Anyways, I haven't really worried about the jeep since he moved out in September because he makes the payments on time and I own my own home so if I'm stuck here forever because of shitty credit (FYI...my credit is pretty good right now) caused by this jeep then it's my own fault. Nothing I can do about it.
But he was in an accident! He got hit by a car that ran a red light and the insurance company TOTALED OUT THE JEEP and thank god we had gotten the gap insurance because that paid for the rest. So in two weeks I will be free and clear and no longer have a jeep loan in my name. And thank god he is okay, too. Of course thank god he is okay.
Women in love do stupid things. Actually people in love do stupid things when they are in love. And then they pay for them when they aren't in love anymore.
I have found that thought as unlucky as I am in other parts of my life, financially things always seem to work out (even though I have a shitload of debt I am trying to pay off, but at least I finally have a job where I can afford to work at paying it off--DAMN my love of shopping!!!).
Today was supposed to be the first day of my new work out kicking butt to get in shape for a June girl's only trip and no go. Still feel too sick. Actually January 2nd was supposed to be the start, but since I was bedridden last week I rescheduled for today. Tomorrow is not looking good either. Maybe Wednesday. Yup, I'm going to plan on Wednesday. I should be better by then. But I did lose 5 lbs. thanks to not being able to eat anything last week (I'm sure regained by the Pizza Hut I ate for dinner).
Time to get ready for bed. Didn't sleep at all last night and need to take my cold meds.
Ciao!

New relationships

New relationships are scary. Even scarier when you are trying to figure things out over a long distance. Not only figure things out, but figure each other out. It is hard for me to relax and go with the flow of things...not just in relationships, but usually in life in general. I like things to be defined. I like things that I can be in control of. I think that is why I'm a good...no, an excellent social worker because I am perfectly comfortably stepping into people's lives (even strangers) and telling them what they need to do to be better students, better parents, better citizens, etc. I love giving advice and I will give advice to anyone whether they ask for it or not (right, Ryan?). Of course, this advice giving could be one of my more obnoxious qualities and I can recognize that. It's just that I am so good at it. My own life may be a chaotic, uncontrollable, mess; but I'll tell you the exact steps you need to take to fix things in your own life. I just am no good at taking my own advice. I think I give off an advice giving vibe, too, because random people always approach me and instantly share the most bizarre, personal information. I don't even have to ask. It's a gift and a curse, I tell ya.

But the relationship thing....that one gets me everytime. And I wasn't always this crazy, neurotic, paranoid person. I can remember having a very successful long distance relationship my senior year of college and not really worrying about what he was doing or who he was with. I even moved to OH to be with this guy when I graduated (of course we broke up two months after I got there, but at least I found a career out of it and I have no regrets about moving). And then my marriage...great husband, awful wife. And I almost believe that I've been suffering karmic retribution ever since I chose to get divorced b/c my ex is happily remarried and I've had nothing, but crap since. Until now. I am trying to keep all my bullshit in check, be honest about my feelings, and let go and relax. I don't need to be in control. I will not harbor unhealthy thoughts anymore. And finally instead of expecting the worst to happen (because I found it often does if you expect it), I am going to expect the best (and whether that best means we end up happily ever after or just as great friends so be it).

I really have been focusing on the spiritual and utilizing my trust in the universe (aka God) to know that things in my life are going exactly as they are meant to be.

So, here I am. It's 2008 and I am 30 years old. And I have a hell of a lot to look forward to this year! Yea!!!

How the movie ended...among other things

So, I wasted 2 hours of my life watching "All the Good Ones are Taken" because I (A) never understand why the hell the movie was called that because I saw NO good ones in the entire movie and (B) the ending was totally unrealistic and awful. A quick recap (now remember the description of the movie was something about a woman forms an unlikely friendship with her exhusband's mistress): This 24 year old girl catches her husband cheating b/c he had videos of himself having sex with another girl on his computer (stupid asses--delete shit off your cell phones and computers) so the girl leaves and ends up moving in with her boss's guest house. Her female boss and her hubby aren't getting along b/c she devotes too many hours to work, whine, whine, whine so of course (cliche) the husband sleeps with the 24 year old. The 24 year old then gets pissed b/c the husband feels guilty and doesn't want to sleep with her after their one time so she seduces him and then she tells his wife. Husband makes it completely out to be his wife's fault b/c she doesn't pay enough attention to him blah blah blah. Wife kicks him out and kicks girl out and fires her. Girl has to crawl back to exhusband who now has new girlfriend living with him for a place to stay. Guy allows girl to move back in with him and new girlfriend and new girlfriend puts up with this shit (um, my bags would have been packed and out the door). Guy then forces girl to break into old job and steal shit which is apparently something they had previously done together except now job has new video camera security system and girl is caught on tape. Girl conveniently overdoses on pills that exhusband so readily has available while him and new girlfriend are off who knows where. Girl then calls boss's husband and passes out on the phone. Husband runs to boss who is watching the tape of her breaking in and stealing shit. They frantically find the girl's address and rush in just in time to call 911. Boss and husband reunite in tragedy, girl survives, and boss gives her her job back and she becomes a hot shot purse designer. And all I can say is "Are you fucking kidding me?" I just can't believe any of that is realistic for the following reasons: If my whiney ass husband slept with someone else and blamed me--buhbye dipshit (the wife was the primary breadwinner anyways--she didn't need his money), what new girlfriend allows her boyfriend's exwife to move in with them, and really what boss is going to hire back an employee who not only slept with her husband but stole from her company? And what good ones was the movie referring to? I saw zero good men in the movie.
Then I decide to watch "How to Look Good Naked." AWESOME SHOW! I have to get on there except I think I am not heavy enough to be on there. But whatever...maybe someday.
Then I take myself to go see PS I love you where I cried for the ENTIRE movie! FYI...don't go see sad romantic comedies by yourself when you are feeling unsure about the state of your own union (which is a whole other story). Then being thoroughly depressed leaving the movie I end up at dinner with a friend where we discuss our love/hate relationship with relationships. But still am depressed by this movie. even though it was pretty good.
Why do I put myself through this????

Monogamy

have somehow gotten sucked into this Lifetime movie about a woman who becomes unlikely friends with her exhusband's mistress (seriously that is what the description says) with the even stranger title "All the Good Ones are Taken." So, now I have to watch to find out what the hell the title has to do with the description.
But it has got me thinking about cheating and people who cheat. When I was younger (high school and especially college) cheating seemed the norm. I know very few people who were truly monogamous during those times.
But now...cheating seems unacceptable. If I am dating someone and he feels the need to have sex with someone else, kiss someone else, ask another girl for her phone number, give his number to another girl, talk to another girl in the middle of the night then just break up with me. Because if a guy has those needs then I am clearly not the girl he needs for whatever reason. And if I feel that need then I shall do the same.
I know Europeans accept infidelity as more of a natural part of life. But Europeans also keep their infidelity to themselves. Unlike Americans who are overcome with guilt and feel the need to tell on themselves.
But we aren't European and I don't want to hear you cheated on me because you feel guilty about it. Just don't cheat or just end things with me first. That is all I ask.
FYI...my affirmation has been working overtime. I will not harbor unhealthy thoughts anymore. I will not harbor unhealthy thoughts anymore. I will not harbor unhealthy thoughts anymore.
I think I've been home sick too many days with too little outside interaction. Too much time to think.

Long Distance Relationships

are HARD! I think hardest for me because so many things seem so much more out of my control and anyone who knows me knows that I LIKE TO BE IN CONTROL (an unfortunate trait I inherited from my mother). It takes a lot for me to just let go and trust someone not to hurt me. I keep reminding myself things my therapist has told me...mainly, it's none of my business, worrying doesn't change anything (e.g. if he's going to cheat then he's going to cheat...me worrying about it only negatively affects me--although I guess ultimately my relationships as well--sort of like a self fulfilling prophecy). In a relationship where you are in the same area, for the most part, you know where the other person is and what they are doing and who they are doing it with (unless you have one of those really sneaky, lying, rat bastard boyfriends). In a long distance relationship there is no telling what the other person is doing or who they are doing it with (which is disturbing if they have remained friends with people they've done "it" with in the past) and you just kind of have to accept that there will be those times that you don't talk as much for whatever reason and that you won't always know what is going on. I try to fool myself into thinking that I NEED to know what the other person is doing so that we can be a part of each other's lives, but I know that is my own bullshit (aka I'm nosy and paranoid and neurotic). This is an issue I am working on. And I have to NOT allow my happiness to be centered around another individual, but rather look out from my heart at other's and find things that make me happy. I think if I am truly happy on my own then happiness will follow in my relationship. So, we don't talk, so we break up, so whatever...there are certain things that will always be true and constant in my life. So, I'm not married, so I'm childless, so what...I get to do awesomely amazing things that my married, childbearing friends cannot. I am going to Alaska in August. I am contemplating doing a home exchange for the summer and living abroad somewhere for a month (maybe Italy--either Tuscany or Rome) or maybe just traveling in the USA (huge road trip anyone?). I am going to take a photography class at the Ringling School starting in January (need to remember to register) and I want to learn another language (Spanish would be smart, French or Italian would be more romantic). I want to meditate and resume my yoga practice and go to church on the regular. I want to stop eating so much junk food and start going to the gym and I want to kayak. I want to snorkle and not be afraid. I want to not be afraid of a lot of things. I want to feel okay that I'm not a size zero or even a size 8. I want to worship my body for what it is--the gift that God gave me with all parts in working order. I want to travel with my girlfriends, travel with a boyfriend, and travel with my sister (big trip when she finishes school). I want to find my bliss.
I will not harbor unhealthy thoughts anymore. --Elizabeth Gilbert
I want to find my bliss.

an introduction

Who am I? I think that I am always searching...searching for who I am, who I want to become, who I am meant to be, and that extra something undefinable.

I am 30 years old, divorced, a social worker, a pet owner, a home owner, a daughter, and a sister. My family and friends are the absolute most important to me. My relationships with men...always end up interesting and tragic. To say it is better to have love and lost obviously did not come from someone who develops feelings for everyone. LOL

I have a wall around me. I am afraid to get close to men or to allow them to get close to me. But I'm trying to get better. I'm trying to keep things in check and maintain my perspective. No one ever died from a broken heart. And there is so much MORE to life than having a relationship with a man.

I am turbulent and crazy and sensitive and chaotic and indescribable. I can be very moody.

I can let too much of myself go and hold on too much to other people. I secretly want to be a writer...or a marine biologist...or a photographer. I am always learning and searching and being.