Snow

I'm watching the 10 o'clock news and they are talking about the snow as if it has snowed 8 feet here in Virginia.

First off, schools were closed today and are already closed tomorrow. WTF! I took my toddler and 2 dogs for a walk this afternoon. 

Secondly,  don't interview people who are digging their cars out of 1/2 inch of snow with a snow shovel. Seriously? !?!  Of course the UVA med school resident they talked to hoped he'd be able to get his car out. Out of what?  There's hardly any snow!

Maybe it's just because we moved here from MA and have more snow experience but come on VA! I remember going out to lunch in the snow and my car sliding down a hill because of the streets being so snowy.

The hubby even got sent home early today.

That's my rant.

Mommy Got Screwed

 

The hubby was off work this morning and under his watchful eye THIS happened to the baby.  No, that's not blood.  She ate a crayon and by ate, well part of that seems self explanatory, used her mouth to draw all over the carpet.  Maybe she is an artist and has created a new medium of mouth art on carpet.  This all occurs while I am COOKING him breakfast and making the toddler's lunch as he checks facebook.

I then believe the hubby has a meeting at 10am and he was told graciously offered to take the dogs to the kennel on his way.  As I am trying to herd a very reluctant toddler out the door he asks about the baby "You're taking her with you, right?"  I think  he has to leave so I say yes.  

Drive to school, get both kids in, change the toddler's shoes, wash her hands, bundle the baby back into the car, and head home.  

Guess who is still home?  THE HUBBY!  

So, A) you could've kept the baby or B) you could've taken the toddler to school!  

Being a single parent is hard.  And as such I've already left the hubby to a friend in my will so I know that he and the girls will be taken of.  

Easy Bake Oven Fail

In our infinite parenting wisdom, Santa brought the toddler an easy bake oven. She loves to bake and the 8+age range did not deter us in our quest to make our little girl happy.

Foolishly we did not realize her interest in baking in the easy bake would last approximately 3 and 1/2 minutes and not the 30 minutes the entire process takes. Hubby and I have baked a lot of VERY tiny desserts.

Yesterday the toddler and I made chocolate chip cookies. I use the words chocolate chip and cookies loosely.

The dough was supposed to make 12 cookies. Perhaps the fact that as I turned to spray the pan the toddler started shoveling raw dough into her mouth kept us from that goal, but I failed to see how 12 cookies could have even fit onto a pan the size of my palm. 

I gamely rolled out the dough (again a very loose interpretation of the word dough) into 8 balls and squished them onto the pan.

We waited the 9 minutes, our anticipation high. The directions depicted big, fluffy cookies. 

The timer went off. I'll let the picture speak for itself.

Massage

Every year for my birthday the hubby gets me a spa gift certificate and I LOVE IT!  It might take me 6 months to actually use, but I still know it's there, sitting like a special secret, just waiting for my desperation for alone time to reach def com five. 

Before we left for Florida I used the mani/pedi portion of my gift AND scheduled my massage for today.  Lying there I started to think about how odd professional massages are.  You are lying NAKED (or near naked) on a table while someone rubs oil onto your body.  I mean you are half way from an encounter with a hooker (if the masseuse was naked you'd only have 1/4 left to go).

I've had some awesome massages (today included) and some sketchy massages and, as tempted as I was, I have never been to any of those places advertised on billboards along I75 (but if you know someone who has PLEASE let me know)...you know those places that advertise parking for truckers and private rooms (I've never had a massage that wasn't in a private room so not sure why THAT is a big draw).  Perhaps my next drive down south I'll make a little pit stop to see what's going on up in there.

When I lived in Cincy I went with  my former mother in law for massages.  All we knew is that one of us had a female and one of us had a male.  Being an older, proper woman she did not want the male and as I watched the flamboyantly gay male walk through the room to get his next client I volunteered for the male, assuming that it would be him. 

I heard my name called and looked up expecting to see my oh so gay masseuse.  Um, not so much.  He was hot with a capital H.  Like the kind of hot that if he offered you a happy ending you would've said yes.  And all I could think about was I should've shaved, I should've showered, I shouldn't have worn these granny panties...FOR THE ENTIRE MASSAGE.  Needless to say I did not get a happy ending.  Sigh.

Another time my friend Mary, who had never had a massage, booked us to get massages and facials.  She got her massage while I got my facial and then we switched.  Well, the masseuse was a man and I spent the entire massage wondering if my nipples were showing because he had covered them with a washcloth so that he could massage my stomach (what is that!) and then waiting to be molested.  Let's just say that Chester the Molester did NOT make me feel relaxed.  He was close enough that one slip of the finger and let's just say the police may have been involved.

Luckily I've gained enough weight that massaging my stomach is no longer even offered.  I'm glad because that shit is weird.

And my fave of all times is getting a massage back home, totally naked, the female masseuse holds the sheet up so I can roll over and as my naked self is rolling over she says, "Did you go to Venice High School?"  Um, yes.  Not sure why seeing me naked made you recognize me seeing as you went to the alternative school AND weren't even in my graduating class, but were a year younger.  I guess when you are this fabulous...(the other options were too horrifying to contemplate).

I still love me a massage though.  

Now excuse me while I finish my wine and pistachios.  

2014

Happy New Year!  In true fashion I am only 3 days late in wishing everyone happy new year.  Sigh.  And you may have noticed that I haven't blogged in a coons age.  There have been a lot of times that I intend to blog, but I have been lazy. 

It's easy to lose yourself as a mom.  Your days are spent making breakfast, making lunches, breastfeeding, feeding, laundry, whatever cleaning you can squeeze in, and making dinner.  I am uber impressed with mom's who are motivated to do other things like blog and work out and not look homeless.  When I drop the toddler off at school I generally look like I'm rolling up after an all night kegger at the frat house.  Sigh. 

So this year I am finding myself again.  2014 is going to be the year of me.  Well as me as I can get with 2 small children to care for.  I am starting with a facebook hiatus for the month of January.  I just read something that said social media is as addictive as gambling and I believe that.  My days started and ended with checking my facebook, not to mention all the parts in the middle.  I feel like I can't even be stopped at a traffic light without picking up my phone and that is not the person I want to be.  I want social media to be a fun diversion, not my whole life. 

We have been in Florida for 2 weeks and head home on Sunday.  It has been fun, but I am ready to get home although I sort of am wondering what craziness possessed me when I thought I could drive home with just the girls and myself.  The hubby asked me on the trip down, when both girls were crying, if I was still glad I decided to drive home without him.  Um, hell no.  I made a poor choice.  Oh well.  We'll make it. 

The toddler will be 3 before we know it and the baby is the size of most 1 year olds.  And even though I haven't slept in 3.5 years and I look like an old hag I wouldn't change any of it. 

And hopefully I can start blogging regularly again.