Baby bliss
October 25th, 2010
Nothing is better than feeling our baby kick. It comforts me and lets me know she’s growing strong and healthy in there. I know some women who complain towards the end of their pregnancy about feeling uncomfortable and feeling like a punching bag and just wanting to give birth, but as someone who has struggled with a miscarriage and a difficult pregnancy…every kick is a blessing. My hold on my pregnancy is still tentative in terms of preterm labor and every day I can keep this little baby inside me is a blessing in itself for it’s a day closer to her being her and being healthy and being full term. 16 more weeks of bedrest seems a little daunting and overwhelming and for sure there are days that I am bored and there are times that I cry or that I feel forgotten sitting alone in my house. I don’t want people to think that I just have this super sunshiney attitude all the time because I don’t, but I would say I try to focus on the positive 99% of the time. Because even though I have 16 more weeks of bedrest hopefully in 7 weeks I’ll be able to do a little bit more and maybe get out of the house a little bit and between 36 and 38 weeks the cerclage will come out and then I’ll be able to do what I want (okay, realistically I won’t have the physical stamina anymore to do much of anything, but still…it’s the thought that counts).
Oprah today had a family on who had lost their 3 young children in a horrific car accident (the mom was driving and the mini van was rear ended by a semi truck who couldn’t stop in time). The parents decided to try to have another child and with the help of in vitro ended up having triplets almost a year to the date of the anniversary of the accident. The triplets were 2 girls and a boy. The children they lost were 2 girls and a boy. It reminded me of the woman from Biggest Loser who lost her husband, daughter, and newborn son in a car accident. If these people can survive such unimaginable tragedies then I can have a positive attitude about having to sit on the couch for a few weeks. I can put my life into perspective because there will always be someone out there who has it better than you and there will always be someone out there who has experienced more tragedy than you. You cannot dwell on the bad things or that’s all you see in life.
I don’t know how I would survive losing my family like that. I don’t know if I could survive it. I don’t want to tempt fate and I pray to God that I never have to know. But I do know that right now, in this moment, I am blessed and that is enough for me.
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Body pillow
October 23rd, 2010
Sleeping has become an issue. It’s not so much that I’m not tired at night as I exist in this weird state of being tired all the time now (which the dr said to expect being on bedrest). I go up with Paul when he goes to bed and then I usually read in bed till midnight. It’s more a matter of being uncomfortable. It’s heartburn/acid reflux, it’s feeling like I’m choking on my own post-nasal drip (sorry TMI I know), it’s my back hurting, or my not being able to find a good way to support my growing tummy (how do pregnant mommy’s of multiples ever sleep?????).
I usually start my night propped up on several pillows laying on my back so that I can combat my severe acid reflux (this is with Nexxium mind you) and the phlegm issue (and forget trying to cough anything up. It’s like the Nile River in there and plus I have the worst gag reflux and usually throw up once a week from this stupid stuff). Occasionally I fall asleep in this position, but it’s not very comfortable to lay on my side with my head propped up like that. So, I decide to buy a body pillow. I research pillows on Target.com and BabiesRUs.com and find one that looks really comfortable called the LeachCo Grow to Sleep self-adjusting body pillow that had really good reviews. Last night was my first night using it.
The first thing that should have concerned me was the front and back 11×17 cardboard sheet of directions on all the ways you can use this pillow. I didn’t really know that I was buying a transformer as I just wanted a pillow. Of course I forget to bring the directions up to bed with me so I’m standing next to the bed, trying to figure out how to get onto our very high bed (my next adventure is going to be making Paul get me a stepping stool) and around this pillow. Then I’m in the bed and I can’t remember any of the different sleep positions for this stupid pillow so I go with the basic “Growing my Way” (their title, not mine) except my belly doesn’t really fit over the middle part like I had envisioned and been led to believe by their advertising. Plus I am doing my nightly acid reflux/phlegm choking/trying not to throw up thing and know I have to lay on my back.
So, I lay on my back with my left leg over the bottom of this pillow and kind of lean back into the pillow. Not so bad. The pillow is a lot harder that it had looked online and a lot higher, but using another king size pillow on the other side of me and I’m fairly comfortable. This is how I fall asleep. They call this position “On the Back Stretch” according to my instructional sheet.
I wake up in the middle of the night to roll over from my right side onto my left side. I like to sleep with my bottom arm under my head and as I roll onto my left side I can’t do that. The pillow is too high and thick to comfortable get my arm under there. Except it’s also not wide enough or cushy enough to snuggle with so now I’m in this awkward position of facing this pillow, with the bottom between my knees, and my left arm is stuck on one side of the pillow and my right arm is over the top of the pillow AND I have to pee AND I can’t figure out how to disengage myself from this pillow! Augh!
Of course Paul sleeps through all of this. Including me struggling into a seated position, moving this heavy ass pillow to lower in the bed, climbing out of bed, putting the pillow on the floor, getting back my regular pillows, going to the bathroom (with my flashlight of course), and donning my rock climbing gear in order to climb back into the bed.
So, am most likely going to send this pillow back. Just for your fun info the other pillow positions are: In your dreams, around the bend, on the bottom stretch, loung around, S is for sleep, off two sleep, who’s up for lunch, and my tummy tuck. Anyone else have any other body pillow suggestions?
Paul wakes up in the morning and says, “Where’s the pillow?” Grrrrrrrr!
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Update
October 20th, 2010
We had our weekly dr appt today and I am happy to report that my cervix measured 2.4! Yay! I feel so relieved to know the cerclage is doing its job and Emma looks as beautiful as always. She is measuring 1 lb 6 oz so I am going to talk to my regular ob on Friday about changing her due date as they are measuring her a week bigger. The dr did say that I need to drink more water so that’s on my daily agenda now. lol
I did get really dizzy at the dr’s office and thought I was going to pass out. After I laid down for a few minutes and drank some water I felt better. They thought it might have been from having my head too low during the ultrasound. We’ll see how next week goes!
I just can feel all the love and prayers that surround me and Emma. Thank you to everyone who has been praying for us and keeping us in their thoughts. Love you all!
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Why I am unusually suited to bedrest
October 16th, 2010
So everyone wants to know how bored or miserable I am on bedrest and I gotta say…it ain’t that bad. I think I am unusally suited for bedrest because I am essentially a lazy princess. Laying around, watching tv, and reading all day is pretty awesome. Yes, I feel bad that Paul has to wait on me hand and foot and yes I hate that I can’t get up to clean the house or go outside of the house, but overall I don’t really miss work. I miss the people I worked with, but I don’t miss the stress and headache of the job I had. I say had because my FMLA only allows me 12 weeks of leave and since we for sure do not want baby Emma to get here by Dec. 23rd I will most likely be unemployed in December. I am applying for short term disability through my company and still get to keep my disability even if my job is over so it’s not so bad. Do I miss fresh air and sunshine? Sure I do. I mean right now I’m essentially one step away from being the bubble boy, but having a healthy baby will more than make up for it. Plus now instead of telling our daughter how I was in labor for umpteen hours or whatever mom’s tell their kids I can say that I laid on the couch for 5 months waiting for her to get here and had surgery! haha
A typical day for me is getting up between 9am and 9:30am (sometimes 10am), occassionally showering, and other basic hygiene stuff. Once I go downstairs I’m pretty much down for the count. I’ll make a quick breakfast and coffee and then it’s couch time. TV and reading occupy my days although I am looking forward to learning how to knit and at some point I’ll start Emma’s baby book (probably more when we are out of the danger zone). I’m hoping, too, for a little less strict bedrest in the future that will actually allow me to help out with some stuff again or at least decorate our Christmas tree in December. My feeding and sleep schedule is a little off, but what the heck. It’s not like I have to be somewhere in the morning if I don’t sleep well at night. lol
Paul has been a super trooper through all this. He cooks, does the dishes, grocery shops, takes care of the dogs, does my laundry, etc. I don’t think he realized before how much effort goes into cooking meals and grocery shopping, but he for sure is going to be a gourmet cook by the time this is all over. His family should be so proud of him and I know my parents are impressed more every day by their son in law.
My favorite part of the day is when Paul gets home from work. It’s so nice to see the man that I love walk through the door every day. :) There is no way I could do this without him.
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I got molested by Doogie Howser MD
October 16th, 2010 I went for my weekly u/s yesterday at 9:30am with high hopes that my cervix had gotten longer. I’d been on progesterone for a week so I was really hopeful that it was helping. Instead we found out that my cervix went from 1.8 to 1.2 and Dr. Lim (high risk ob) said it was time for a rescue cerclage and sent us to Beth Israel in Boston. As we weren’t anticipating this Paul was in his uniform and neither of us had eaten breakfast. Well, I had a carnation instant breakfast at 8:30am (as I would be asked about 50 times during the day).
We got to Beth Israel at about 11:30am and went right up to the L&D floor. Beth Israel is a huge hospital! We were on the 10th floor. I got registered and then we waited. They brought us back to gyn triage about 12:15pm and got me changed into a gown and we hung out with nurse Tina. They weren’t sure if they would be able to operate that day or if I’d have to spend the night in the hospital.
Dr. S, the high risk ob fellow, came to introduce himself and take me down for another ultrasound. Dr. S was all of 12 years old. The whole time we were with him the Doogie Howser theme song was running through my head. So, he’s doing the ultrasound and during a vaginal ultrasound they press down on your stomach to see if the pressure causes the cervix to open more. Well, he wasn’t really paying attention and started kneading my right breast. Is my first though “hey this seems inappropriate?” Of course not. My first thought is “maybe he’s checking my heart” (not even the right side of my body, but I’m just gonna refer you back to rolling poop). He finally notices the horrified look on the nurse’s face and looks down to what he’s doing and he is mortified. I, on the other hand, am trying not to pee on him because I’m laughing so hard.
So, poor Dr. S, having just molested a patient, runs out of the room and gets Dr. R (the actual specialist, not just a resident). Dr. R apologizes because now they are wondering if we are going to sue Dr. S. Dr. R does a physical exam on me and explains all the risks and benefits of the cerclage. It was kind of one of those situations that I could’ve hung out with a very short cervix for the rest of my pregnancy or based on its current rate of shortening I could’ve gone into labor in the next couple weeks. It really wasn’t a choice for us as we felt it was our best option for having a healthy baby.
We go back up to triage to wait and see if when we can get into the OR. Poor Paul is starving so I send him to get food. I am starving as well, but can’t eat until they decide if they are gonna operate today or tomorrow. Not even 10 minutes after Paul leaves nurse Tina gets a call that an OR opened up and to prep me for surgery. I call Paul so he can come back and the chief resident comes in and wants me to be on a fetal monitor for 15 minutes to make sure I wasn’t having contractions (thank God no). Tina puts an IV in, Paul gets back, we talk to the chief resident, and I’m wheeled to pre-op. While they are going through all the pre-op stuff (and I’m asked 50 times when the last time I had anything to eat or drink was) the anesthesiologist comes over and starts her spiel and then I get transferred to a different anesthesiologist (Dr. B) who also is 12 years old and a resident (Dr. X). Emma starts moving and I start crying. Everyone thinks I’m crying because I’m nervous about the spinal (which I was), but I was crying because I was so worried for my baby.
Paul kisses me goodbye and I’m wheeled back to the OR. Dr. S admits that he was mortified and apologizes again for molesting me. I told him that we laughed hysterically when he left the room and not to worry about it. I did not tell him that we would be telling everyone we knew what happened. lol The nurse holds my hands while Dr. B supervises Dr. X in putting a spinal in me (did I mention that Beth Israel is a teaching hospital) and then they lay me back down on the table.
There was no modesty in that surgery. Dr. R supervised Dr. S and the chief resident during the surgery, the nurses were there, and the 2 anesthesiologists and maybe some other people. I couldn’t see because they put a sheet up. You are awake the whole time and you know your legs are spread eagle being held up in the air with something and everyone is peering into your chucky. The surgery takes about an hour and of course having not eaten since last night I had the worst acid reflux. Dr. B gets me this nasty antacid drink and sits my head up a little which helped a lot. I felt a lot of pulling during the surgery so she also gave me some pain meds in the middle because it was very uncomfortable.
The surgery went well and they wheel me into recovery. Dr. R and Dr. S come back to check in and then they go to update Paul. Even Dr. B comes to check on me! Not being able to feel your legs is such a creepy, weird feeling. They finally let me have some graham crackers and apple juice (yay!), but only cause they wanted me to take medication. They moved me from the bed into a reclining chair and finally Paul got to come back. Nurse Chloe shift is done so nurse Bernadette comes on. She wants me to try and walk to the bathroom since I can’t leave the hospital until I pee. Again, no modesty because I was so happy that she came into the bathroom with me and helped me. She left to get my chair to wheel me back and I thought well, I’m just gonna sit on the toilet until she gets back here and was so happy to see her come back. I could never be a nurse because I would never want to have to help someone pee, change someone’s pad, and then pull up the very attractive mesh panties the OR nurse put on me. God bless nurses.
They discharged me and I got to go home to eat! We stopped to get my meds on the way home and Paul said, “You know this is the 4th hospital you’ve been in since we’ve lived in Boston.” I was in a lot of pain so I took a percocet when I got home and waited up to take my next dose of meds.
I had the best experience at Beth Israel. All the doctors and nurses were so nice and I felt that I was totally taken care of. Although it was unexpected I was so happy to have had the surgery at BI. I hope they send me a survey so I can tell them how happy I was with their service.
And surprisingly we didn’t find any doggie surprises when we got home. We usually crate the dogs if we are going to be out of the house for long periods of time; however, having gone to the hospital unexpectedly yesterday the dogs were out from 8am to 9pm and no one had any accidents (that we’ve found). Even Beauty who usually is a terrible dog when it comes to that.
So now I’m back to chillaxin on bedrest. And hoping for a positive outcome…baby Emma in February!
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A Baby Story
October 8th, 2010
When you are pregnant you should NEVER watch A Baby Story or I Didn’t Know I was Pregnant.
Especially if you watch A Baby Story with your husband one of you is going to end up with unrealistic expectations of what the birthing process may be OR is going to be terrified. The first episode Paul and I watched involved a woman having her 2nd child. She opted to give birth at the hospital in a birthing tub with a doula and a CNM. No drugs. All natural. This woman was a trooper. Her baby was 9lb 8oz. Are you freaking kidding me? You almost gave birth to a 10lb baby with no drugs. Granted she had hips that a truck could’ve driven through, but still…mad props to her for that because NO WAY. I’m not doing that. Although whether or not I use drugs in delivery will not be dictated by any rational thought process on my part, but will be determined by what I am more fearful of…pain or the epidural (um, I just don’t want to be paralyzed and anyone who knows me knows that I am the most bizarre experiences with situations that other people get through without incident). The second episode involved 2 actors from Chicago also having their second child and also wanting a natural childbirth. Her baby was 8lb 7 oz. The difference in these 2 women was that the one with the giant child was very silent and focused during her childbirth. She stayed in the tub the entire time. The 2nd woman cried like a little bitch. I would be mortified if I was that woman and made the noises that came out of her mouth on national television (okay, cable television, but still). She lasted in the tub 5 minutes and then laid in her bed moaning and groaning and begging for help. Why would you put yourself through that? Sure you may have had a natural childbirth, but you also may end up on Tosh.O for the noises coming out of your mouth.
The other show…I didn’t know I was pregnant…my friend Jessica brought me lunch a week ago and hung out for the afternoon. We watched a movie (Letters to Juliet not that good) and then got sucked into an I didn’t k now I was pregnant marathon. I have never seen so many people use the word “poop.” Every episode these women complained about feeling like they had to poop or they had awful constipation. Who admits that on television? At least say bowel movement although most of the women on I didn’t know I was pregnant are about 20 years old with no concept of safe sex. And they always give birth in the toilet or the bathroom at the county fair. So, this marathon occurred on a Friday. Saturday morning I woke up at 5:30am with awful stomach pains and I felt like I had to poop! All I could think was “omg I’m gonna have my baby in the toilet.” I was so terrified that I refused to go to the bathroom, woke Paul up, called the on call doctor, and ended up in a 6am run to the ER to be checked out. Of course the baby was fine, I wasn’t in labor, and it ended up being a stomach bug (as evidenced by my vomiting in the garbage can while in the hospital bed). I felt like shit all morning with terrible intestinal cramps and luckily was able to sleep through it with the help of a heating pad. So I will no longer be watching this show.
On a random side note Paul told me to call the doctor to see if I could go to the store if he pushed me in a wheelchair. Dr. Cole shot that down quick so no store for me. I guess I will also not be going to the movies this weekend. Although we did go to Vic’s Waffle House for lunch because I had to have chocolate chip pancakes.
Hopefully the progesterone is working and maybe at some point it’ll even help enough to be released off bedrest. Back to Dr. Lim on Tuesday so prayers for a longer cervix! I’d still love to be able to go to Florida for Thanksgiving. I’m not giving up that dream until it’s actually Thanksgiving and I’m sitting in Boston trying to tell Paul how to cook a turkey, mashed potatos, gravy, biscuits, and stuffing.
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week 1 down…19 more to go
October 5th, 2010
We saw Dr. Lim today. My cervix was a little bit shorter and Dr. Lim put me on continued bedrest….for the rest of my pregnancy. I feel okay about this, but cried the whole way home today. Dr. Lim is optimistic, but also realistic. The baby is healthy, but unfortunately they just don’t know if I’ll keep her inside long enough. He is starting me on progesterone tomorrow so hopefully that helps and next week we’ll explore the cerclage option. The best news is that Emma looks so good. She’s big and growing and doing what she needs to do. Now we just need to get my busted up cervix on board! I will say that it is nice not having any work stress! lol
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Bed rest
September 28th, 2010
I had an appointment this morning with Dr. Lim, the high risk ob. He said my cervix is a little bit shorter, but not too much. That being said he put me on bed rest for a week to see if there is any improvement or no more shortening. I have another appointment on the 5th and then we’ll see what happens. Originally I wasn’t supposed to see him until the 5th, but last week I called my regular ob and she moved my appointment up. Thank God she did!
Poor Paul…I can’t cook, clean, grocery shop…he’s lucky because I put a chicken in the crock pot this morning for dinner. lol
So day one of bed rest…I’ve cried a few times today. I’m trying to chalk it up to being more emotional from being pregnant, but at the same time I’m worried. I have this perfect little baby inside me and my body may not be able to sustain the pregnancy. At 19 weeks, 5 days pregnant I can feel the baby move now and I know she is a beautiful little person inside me. I love her so much and can’t imagine not getting to meet my baby in February. If I have to spend the next 21 weeks on bed rest I absolutely will do it with no complaints if it means I have a healthy full term baby.
I am doing my visualization exercises, visualizing my cervix closing and saying my affirmations and prayers. If everyone else can say a prayer for me and Emma and Paul that’d be great, too!
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Good news…other news
September 21st, 2010
Today we saw the high risk ob at the hospital for an ultrasound. My AFP had come back abnormal for my age range and my regular ob wanted the baby to be checked for Down Syndrome and Spina Biffida. Luckily our baby had no physical abnormalities and the high risk ob told us our risk of either of those things was 1%. We opted not to do the amnio as it won’t make a difference to use at this point. So, we were super relieved and happy to see that we have a beautiful baby GIRL! She was not shy at all and showed off her goodies. This is the good news.
The other news…well we also found out that my cervix isn’t fully closed and is short. This could mean nothing or it could mean that I am at higher risk of going into preterm labor. We go back in 2 weeks to the high risk ob so he can measure things again and see if there has been any changes. I think I’ll be seeing the high risk ob for regular check ups through out the rest of the pregnancy so thanks to all you tax payers who are paying for me to see a doctor from Beth Israel.
Of course I made the mistake of googling…I should never google. Too many things to worry about. Luckily I have great confidence in my doctors and my regular ob thought that things look good, I’m growing well, the baby’s growing well, and I assume if the high risk ob was super worried he’d have me come back in sooner than 2 weeks.
I guess we will see what happens next. Stitching up the shop or bed rest are certainly possibilities, but hopefully the shop will close before our next appointment. I don’t know if that actually can happen or not, but I can certainly pray for it.
Will keep you posted!
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19 weeks–surprise
September 18th, 2010
So, after having a miscarriage earlier this year we decided to wait to tell most everyone we were expecting. I just had a lot of anxiety being pregnant again and wanting to make sure that everything was going to be okay. At 19 weeks I feel more confident that everything is going to be okay and I’m excited to meet our little girl.
Although I didn’t blog as much as I thought I would here are some things I had written during the 1st trimester. Mostly I felt too sick and too tired to be on the computer so….
June 10, 2010
Today was a momentous day, but also one that has me a little nervous. I took a pregnancy test and it came out positive. I think having had a miscarriage the excitement that I felt the first time is definitely missing. I’m so focused on how my body feels that its hard to enjoy anything. I’ve been nauseas, but no vomiting yet. Good sign maybe? No sore breasts either and no real aversions to smell at this point (unlike the first pregnancy). I have been exhausted though. I’m a little crampy so I’m not holding my breath that I won’t get my period. At least this time it may be a little easier if I do get my period because it will have been so early in the pregnancy and the only person I’ve told is my friend Cory thus far. We decided this time to just tell immediate family until I am a little farther along.
Our summer vacation plans have changed and the cruise we were thinking of taking has been put on hold. I’m just too nervous and afraid if we book a cruise and then if I’m so sick again that I’ll be miserable on a boat. Better to hold off and wait and see how things go. The nice part about cruising is sometimes the longer you wait to book one the cheaper it can be. If things don’t work out pregnancy wise we can always decide to go on a cruise last minute.
So that’s where we are at. I still have to find an obgyn, but my friend said she really liked her gyno so I’ll probably go there as I am NOT going back to the one I had before. I also really want to get a physical and a skin/mole check. I’ll be praying for a healthy pregnancy and a healthy baby and we’ll see how things work out.
It is a little sad to not be as excited because of feeling nervous. All my friends who have had miscarriages say that they felt the same way, too.
June 15, 2010
So, my pregnancy has been confirmed by blood test and I had my prenatal education appointment at the base this morning. I feel like any excitement I should have is tempered by that waiting for the shoe to drop aka waiting to miscarry. The RN tried to reassure me that every pregnancy is different, but the fact that my nauseous is minimal and my boobs don’t really hurt makes me wonder if my hormone levels are where they should be. I’d guess that the RN would’ve told me if my blood test had indicated they weren’t, but who knows. I’m trying to be excited, but I just don’t want to get my hopes up. Coupled with the fact that she weighed me and omg…I’m gonna be quite the heifer by the time this pregnancy is over. I can’t believe I weigh this much and considering I wanted to drive my car into a tree on the way to work because of my weight makes me realize that I’m not gonna be able to know what I weigh the entire time I’m pregnant.
I am exhausted all the time.
June 20, 2010
This past weekend we went to Old Forge, NY and my friend Mary’s wedding. Friday night we went out to dinner and called in an early night. After some much needed rest we spent Saturday at the Enchanted Forest water park. Saturday night my worst nightmare came true…an open bar and me not being able to drink! Not that it matters because I feel like I’m perpetually hungover without the fun night of drinking the night before.
June 24, 2010
Poor Paul…I am so exhausted that all I want to do is sleep almost as soon as I get home from work. I’ve been a definite slacker in the making dinner department and its all I can do to stay awake till 8pm. Not to say that Paul is starving because I do manage to get something on the table (or on the tv trays as we eat in the living room watching tv every night), but hey…why isn’t Paul cooking ME dinner???? Sometimes I crack myself up.
Thought about blogging more, but after my hour long nap on the couch it’s time for me to head up to bed. I can’t wait till the first trimester is over and I hopefully start feeling a little better.
July 7, 2010
Today I am anxious. I have my first prenatal appt next week and this is about the time things started to go wrong last time. And my symptoms are abating. I’m less nauseous (although I did throw up today) and my boobs don’t hurt anymore. I’m afraid this means that I am going to have another miscarriage. I’m scared and a little sad.
Waiting
January 31st, 2010
I am at home waiting for my miscarriage to get underway. I feel crampy and have had some stuff going on down there, but nothing that indicates that things will be ending anytime soon and with everyday the D&C becomes a stronger possibility. But I do feel reassured that our baby was gone and the doctor was right.
I’ve been keeping busy and it helps keep my mind off things. I’ve cleaned up both our small guest room and our office and I went to the gym yesterday. Today, after I finished the office, I took a long nap.
I don’t know how I’d get through this time without my very loving husband, my family, and my friends. My parents sent me flowers which I thought was super sweet and thoughtful. My sister-in-law called me yesterday to check on me because she’s gone through the same thing and I’m so happy that we have such a close relationship. Everyone has been so supportive and caring and I really appreciate everyone’s love and presence in my life probably much more than they’ll ever know. Thank you.
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Loss
January 28th, 2010
We had an ultrasound this morning. No heartbeat and no growth from our last ultrasound 2 weeks ago. Even though I expected the worst when I went into the appointment it was still a shock to hear the doctor ask if I wanted to wait to miscarry naturally or have a D&C. I chose to wait, but we scheduled the D&C for Feb. 12th just in case. Part of me has an irrational hope that the doctor was wrong, even though all my symptoms have pretty much disappeared and I just know that the baby is gone. I don’t feel any connection anymore and my body feels different. It seems very surreal, like the whole pregnancy was a dream and this is the reality.
I always counsel people about having faith and everything happening for a reason and I am trying to hold fast to that for myself. This morning was rough. I cried on and off till early afternoon. Paul took me out to dinner and I enjoyed 2 glasses of wine with my food.
I know I wouldn’t have gotten through this without my husband. I love Paul more every day that we’re together and I feel eternally blessed to have him in my life. And I wouldn’t have gotten through this without my good friends and my family. I am trying to find the silver lining in all this and here are some linings I came up with:
Alcohol
Trapeze lessons
Getting into shape
Being healthy
Losing weight
Working longer without having to make any decisions
Getting my house cleaned and organized
Finishing the basement without rushing
Enjoying wine in my yet to be finished jacuzzi tub/new master bathroom
Going to see my sister in AZ
Did I mention alcohol?
I know the sarcasm and humor is probably inappropriate, but it really is the only way I can cope with this situation right now. The doctor told us to wait 3 months before trying again, but my belief is that your body will get pregnant when your body is ready. She did say that she has people who miscarry and who end up pregnant the next month. I don’t feel the need to rush anything.
I stayed home from work today and cleaned the entire first floor like a mad woman. I guess there are always positives out of a negative cause it really needed to be cleaned!
Anyways, I thank everyone for their support and I’m going to keep blogging about everything in our quest for baby bliss. Love to all.
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True love
January 23rd, 2010
You know your husband truly loves you when:
He brings you a garbage bag because you threw up in the bathroom garbage can while going to the bathroom.
He can still say you’re beautiful when you come out of the bathroom after throwing up on yourself while going to the bathroom.
You smell like pee lying in a hospital bed because you peed on yourself while throwing up, but were too sick to take a shower before heading to the ER.
You snore all the time because you’re sleeping so soundly.
You wake him up because you’re crying hysterically because you can’t sleep, but are tired.
You can’t lift anything so he has to carry everything.
He cleans out the cat litter even though he hates the cats.
Yup, pregnancy shows you just how much your other half loves you and my other half loves me like no other! I am blessed with a good husband, a good family, and good friends.
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Anxiety
January 21st, 2010
So, it’s been awhile since I’ve written anything. I think the hardest thing for me recently (outside of my recent ER visit) has been the anxiety. We had a close friend who recently had a miscarriage coupled with the fact that they didn’t see the heartbeat at my last ultrasound (at 8 weeks along, the day I went to the ER) has had me completely freaked out! No one really talks about the stress of being pregnant, but it IS stressful!
The lack of the heartbeat so far has been the scariest thing for me. I had a really rough few days (I actually cried twice at work the other day) where I was convinced that the baby is dead (sorry for being morbid). I then made the mistake of looking stuff up on the internet (apparently LOTS of women have miscarriages after not seeing the heartbeat at 8 weeks), BUT when they checked my blood in the hospital they did say my hormones were where they should be, we did see development/growth of the baby between the first and second ultrasound, and while my nausea is less it could be because the doctor told me to take the meds she prescribed every day and I have been. Throwing up twice yesterday actually reassured me that the pregnancy is still progressing. My boobs aren’t as sore anymore, but our nurse at work said there are so many variables in pregnancy that you can never compare your pregnancy to anyone else’s.
But I also came to the realization and acceptance that whatever is going to be will be. I just have to faith that things will work out okay and as they are supposed to. Right now as far as I know my pregnancy is healthy and I don’t have anything to worry about.
My diet has changed a lot though–today for lunch I had an English muffin and prunes–I now have the diet of a 90 year old, but it was good. It’ll be interesting to see if I’ve gained any weight because as of my last appointment I had lost a pound. The addition of Metamucil (with the Colace) has been fun and only added to my feelings about a 90 year old. I am loving the bigger clothes I am wearing and may NEVER go back!
Hope everyone is doing well! Will let you know how our ultrasound goes on Monday. Say a prayer for us and our baby!
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From airplanes to ERs
January 13th, 2010
So, we went down last weekend for Paul’s Grams’ 90th birthday and in the process got to tell our families we were expecting. I was nervous about flying because of the morning sickness, but took my Zofran and didn’t eat anything (except some crackers and pretzels on the plane) and had no problems. But when we got to FL I was starving! My mom picked us up from the airport and I had to pull out the saltines in the car so I didn’t pass out and she knew right away! I had this whole birthday gift planned with a happy birthday grandma card and that didn’t happen. lol Of course all my mom wants to know is when she can start buying baby stuff. When she dropped us off at my dad’s she came inside and I told my dad I had a picture for him. I handed him the ultrasound, he looked at it, and then looked at me and asked if I was serious. Paul said he whipped his head around so fast he was surprised it didn’t fall off! We got to tell Paul’s family at the birthday party and they are just as excited. I only threw up once when I was in Florida so I considered myself lucky; however…
Tuesday morning I woke up at 4:30am throwing up and didn’t stop for the next 12 hours. I ended up being sent by my obgyn to the emergency room for dehydration and meds to help me get over my nausea. The doctor did an ultrasound and the baby was fine. We still didn’t get to see the heartbeat, but she said we could just be a hair too early. It made me a little nervous, but we did see the amnion which we didn’t see last time. And the baby was bigger! I finally got out of the ER at 8pm and I only threw up once today!
Paul told me today that he’s gained 4 lbs of sympathy weight and yet I haven’t gained any weight yet…probably due to my morning sickness diet…lol…
Tomorrow we will tell the world…by posting on FB of course…
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Oh holy morning sickness!
December 29th, 2009
I just wrote an entire blog only to have it somehow erased even though I hit publish. Bitches!
My new favorite position is huddled over the toilet. The other morning I thought I was going to be stuck there all day. My friend told me that she only experienced morning sickness from weeks 9 to 14…week 14 seems impossibly far away and I fear I may be one of those women who have morning sickness their entire pregnancy. We finally decided that I should tell my boss and 2 co-supervisors due to the possibility of me being late in the morning and my doctor’s appointments (thank you military PCP for making me come in to get a blood test to confirm my pregnancy BEFORE you’d give me a referral to the obgyn).
We have our first doctor’s appointment tomorrow and I am excited. I hope we get to see the baby because I’d love to have a picture to show my parents when we go down to tell them next week. I had some spotting over the weekend and thank god my husband read his baby book for daddy’s and could reassure me that some spotting was normal. My friend also said the same thing, but I’d like to hear it from my doctor. I never realized how many fears come along with being pregnant. I am trying to just pray to have a healthy baby and leave the rest up to God.
I’ll tell you what…if I wasn’t growing a human this nausea and vomiting would be a great way to lose weight!
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Ohhhh baby!
December 23rd, 2009
The best part about being pregnant for sure is the nausea and vomiting. Paul says it’s just Rufus (yes, he wants us to have a boy and name him Rufus) saying hi…well, today Rufus was shouting his hellos. And if it’s not one end it’s the other. Almost thought I was going to have to leave the office with my head hung in shame when I couldn’t decide what the most pressing matter was going to be…end up or end down. In the end it was a toss up with a mid play switch. I guess this is one of those joys of being pregnant that just keeps on giving!
On a most positive note…a couple months ago I got an AWFUL haircut at Supercuts (yes, I know Supercuts BUT I am poor and can no longer afford the good haircuts and what else is open on a Sunday) that was about 4 inches shorter than I asked for. The positive is that I don’t have to worry about holding back my hair when I huddle over the toilet. I may have to keep it this length throughout the pregnancy just for convenience sake.
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Guess what? I’m pregnant!
December 22nd, 2009
So, I always thought I’d have time to lose weight, that I’d finally get my butt in gear, get to the gym, and lose this damn weight…and when I finally had a flat stomach THEN and ONLY THEN would I get pregnant…um, yeah. Instead I moved to GA where in 9 months of very minimal part time employment I went to the gym for probably a grand total of 12 non-consecutive weeks. Then we move to MA. Now am completely unemployed and worked out during June and July (drum roll please) NONE. That’s right folks…my laziness knows no bounds. So, after sitting on my ass all summer and eating out at all the amazingly delicious Boston area restaurants (damn these people can cook) my ass became large. And when I went for my annual examI had no flat stomach and I had gained 20 lbs. according to their scale. Let me be honest here and admit that when the scale said I weighed 191.6 lbs. I did want to jump out the second floor window OR drive my car into a tree on the way home. The doctor gives me the okay to start trying to get pregnant and I had just stopped the pill at the end of November. December 14thI took a pregnancy test and voila…3 positive pregnancy tests later and we’re gonna have a baby! I thought for sure it would take a few months to get pregnant as I had never so much as had a pregnancy scare before, but I guess I am more fertile than I thought (or Paul has super sperm). And I have to come to terms with the facts that I will most likely weigh MORE than Paul in a few months (as I currently only weigh 8.4 lbs. less than him I’ll probably pass him sooner rather than later). Some dead give aways to pregnancy–sudden and unrelenting nausuea which soon became daily vomiting and dry heaving, sore boobies, cramps (I thought I was getting my period),fatique (never at night when I actually want to sleep though), and heart burn (since I’m too nervous to take my Nexxium even though the doctor said it was okay). Paul thinks I got pregnant to get out of running a 5k series in the spring (I’ll tell you what…he’s not wrong).
Paul and I each chose 1 person to tell we were pregnant. We have our first doctors appointment on December 30th, will tell our parents when we see them in January, and then will announce our joy to the world.
I do have to admit that I don’t feel pregnant and I sure do miss alcohol. I have never been one not to indulge and going on two weeks sober…I don’t think I’ve seen two weeks sober since I went away to college. Plus my family enjoys a drink (or 12) around the holidays and not drinking on Christmas is going to be WEIRD. I’m not sure I know how to not drink on the holidays. I guess I’ll know this year. Christmas and New Years without alcohol doesn’t seem very festive, but maybe a new tradition will be born (yeah, right, who am I kidding).
One thing I am looking forward to is maternity clothes. Given that I’ve looked about 5 months pregnant for the last year and had to squeeze my ass into a size 14 that seems like it’s on it’s way to a size 16 I will happily begin wearing maternity pants as soon as it’s socially acceptable (or by month 3). I’ve semi convinced myself I’m having twins so that my current pants stretching against my belly doesn’t seem so awful. I’ve given up all pretense of sucking anything in and have just gone with it.
So, that’s it. We’re pregnant and I’m gonna blog about it (seems to be a popular hobby right now). I am sure Paul is already tired of hearing “But I’m growing a human inside me” as an excuse for why he needs to do stuff or why I shouldn’t have to do anything (FYI Paul cleaning out the litter box HILARIOUS).
Stay tuned for more good times!
