Pear, Apple, Muffin top, Pooch

Oprah's January O magazine had an article called "Your Biggest Dressing Dilemmas Solved."  Since I walk that thin line between looking like a mom who hasn't slept in a year and looking like a homeless person I thought I better read this article in depth.  Basically it talked about how to solve "your most pressing body problems once and for all through strategic use of shapewear, clothing, and accessories."  Of course what I read was "you don't have to go to the gym or eat healthy in an attempt to lose weight because you can hide it all with clothing and scarves!"  Until I started the article and realized how many problem areas I have.  Let me just give you a quick recap of what my problem areas are:

Turkey neck: thank goodness not yet!  Although double chin wasn't mentioned and this is an area on which I'm teetering on the edge...luckily I've noticed that my double chinness is most related to the mornings after I have too many glasses of wine.  So now I just watch my drinking more carefully.

Muffin top:  A muffin top can be solved with $70 panties or some $49 pants.  Their solution to get rid of it for good: to give up alcohol, sugar, processed carbs, and excessive dairy...well, really who would even want to live after giving up all those delicious things and you have to exercise on top of it...no thank you.  And I know Paul's not gonna spring for $70 control top panties so I guess I will just continue to buy bigger sizes of my fave Target jeans and khakis. 

Pooch:  Considering I look like I could birth and house baby kangaroos in my pooch this is an area I struggle with...it's even better now that I have the famous after baby hangover (95% of moms will know what I'm talking about,  the other 5% are skinny, have flat bellies, and have clearly sold their souls to satan to get that way).  I don't see myself walking around in high waist panties (are they made of gold???  Why are they so expensive???  Maybe it's all the extra material needed to make them high waisted) to go to the grocery so maybe I should start saving up for some surgery (the most effective option according to O magazine).  Oh, you can also disguise with fitted tunics. 

Armpit fat:  Thank goodness I live in the cold northeast and no longer have to worry about tank tops.  Or nice clothes. 

Bat wings:  I'm getting there, but am not ready to fly away yet. 

Mom butt:  This is a flat butt.  I've got more junk in my trunk that JLo so I don't need padded panties or butt lifting shorts. 

Chub rub:  My thighs rub together so much when I walk I'm surprised my underwear don't catch on fire.  I have worn the inside thighs out of many a pair of pants from my chub rub (what a depressing phrase that is).  Their solution is to wear thick biker shorts and tights under clothes and I will confess that I've worn bike shorts under skirts and dresses to avoid rubbing all the skin off my inner thighs when I walk. 

Cankles:  No, my ankles are quite shapely thank you. 

Back fat:  I look like I have 4 boobies...2 in the front and 2 sprouting off my back.  A former nickname of mine given by a friend...Backfat Betty (why does the name Betty follow me everywhere?).

Double boobs:  I have saggy post breastfeeding boobies so my cups no longer runneth over.  But if you have bigger breasticles then you might have this problem.  If so get properly fitted for a full coverage bra..no demi cups for you. 

As I realized that I can't afford to buy a whole new wardrobe to cover my muffin top, pooch, armpit fat, chub rub, and back fat I decided to join the gym.  I've been pretty consistent about going and I'm quite proud of myself for that, but today I got my butt kicked by the senior citizens. 

I added the circuit to my cardio workout today.  This is supposed to be the super easy, no adjusting the seats, very easy to adjust the weights for people who haven't worked out in awhile.  It's so easy that instead of word instructions there is just a picture.  So, the first machine I don't realize the other side of the machine says what the machine is (ab crunch, lat pull downs, etc.) and I look at the picture and I think it's some sort of arm exercise.  I finish the exercise and move on.  I'm on about the 5th machine when an older woman comes in, gets on the 1st machine, and I realize oh that is an ab crunch machine NOT an arm machine.  That makes much more sense!  So I head back over that way and notice that she has increased the weight from what I had on it by like 40lbs.  Now you may be thinking "But wait, you thought it was an arm machine so that makes sense."  I initially had that thought until I COULDN'T DO THE EXERCISE ON THE WEIGHT SHE HAD IT SET ON.  I had to decrease it back down by 40lbs.  Sad.  She was like 55 years old. 

I do the circuit for 3 reps of each machine and by the end I can barely breathe.   I am huffing and puffing like I've just run a frickin marathon!  I used to be in such good shape (ok that was like 14 years ago, but still I think about those days all the time)....what happened to me???

Then my friend Rebekah (who is also my doctor by the way) has raved about the arc trainer and how awesome it is.  As I've just watched a 75 year old rock the arc trainer for 45 minutes while he read a newspaper I thought piece of cake.  Hahaha jokes on me!  First I could barely balance on the stupid thing much less read a magazine and then within 30 seconds of starting I felt like I was having a heart attack!  I made myself complete 5 minutes all while holding on with a death grip in case I went flying out the 2nd floor window. 

To round out my target goal of 30 minutes of cardio I finished with a leisurely stationary bike reading while reading my Better Homes and Garden. 

And then I came home and took a nap. 

The Great Debate

Tonight over our dinner at Outback (no appetizers go us!) we had the following debate.  Paul is going to the Super Bowl next year for the 6th time.  The Super Bowl next year is in New Orleans.  This is the last hoorah for the group of guys Paul has gone with for 5 years.  I told Paul he wasn't allowed to hand out any beads and he didn't understand. 

Paul:  Giving a dollar to a girl on stage is worse.

Me:  What?  No, it's not. 

Paul:  Yes it is.

Me:  A stripper is a professional.  She's not some drunk college girl looking for a random hook up by showing her boobies. 

Paul:  A stripper shows her vajajay.  She rubs all up against guys in a private room.  A drunk college girl is the middle of the street. 

Me:  Yes, but at the end of the night the stripper just wants to go home alone.  She's not looking to go home with a client.

Paul:  Well, a college girl isn't going to want to go home with me.  I'm gonna be the old guy.

Me:  A drunk college girl will go home with a anyone.  No beads. 

So, my question to you is which is worse:  drunk college girl trying to get beads or a stripper?

The Mystery Spot

Last night I was in the bathroom getting ready for bed and I hear Paul exclaim as he crawled into bed, "Hey, why is the bed all wet?" 

Huh? was my response.  I walked out of the bathroom and Paul shows me this rather large wet spot on his side of the bed. 

Me: Maybe the ceiling is leaking.

Sadly this could be a real possibility in our house, and we both looked up, but no water dripping from the ceiling. 

Me: I have no idea.

Paul: It smells sweet like flowers.  Did you spill perfume or something on the bed?

(Yes, I roll around with open bottles of perfume and lotion on the bed while Paul is at work.)

Me: Um, no.

Paul:  Are you sure you didn't spill something on the bed?

Me:  What would I have spilled on the bed? 

I lean over to smell the wet spot (who does that????  Paul and I do.) and Paul pushes my face onto the mattress.  Some people might get mad over that.  I chose to laugh like a hyena because it was hilarious!

Paul:  Did you put lotion on the baby?

Me:  It's not lotion.  I did have the baby on the bed today for naked nap time.

Before you call the authorities on me, Emma has an awful diaper rash that has resulted in an open sore on her little bum (we have a pedi appointment tomorrow) so I was giving her some naked bum time to air it out. 

Me:  But I had her on a towel and a pee pad under her and she did pee on that.  Hey, why is my pillow all wet?

And then I flashbacked to naked nap time.  I saw Em waking up.  I saw Em crawling around the bed, onto my pillow, and over on Paul's side of the bed, and I realized that she must have peed again!  Sneaky little heathen!

Paul:  Well let's just change the sheets.

Me:  Um, we don't have any clean sheets.

Paul: What?  Why?

Me:  Um, because I haven't washed them yet from the last time I changed them.  Here, we'll just put a towel down.

And this is how we slept.

Paul:  This towel sucks.  It's scratchy. 

And I spent today washing sheets.  And chuckling to myself about how we slept in pee.  And about how Paul rubbed my nose in it like a dog.  You would've laughed, too, if you had been there. 

Good times in our household, good times.

Apart

An opportunity came up a few months to attend a Kappa Delta conference in Atlanta.  Of course I volunteered to go and the conference was this past weekend.  Imagine 1600 sorority sisters, including collegiate and alumnae members, in one place.  I know!  It was very loud, there was a lot of shrieking, and it definitely confirmed my love for Kappa Delta.  Laura Kathleen, a former contestant on Project Runway, is a KD and the speaker Saturday night.  Between her and the amazing National Officers who spoke I think most people felt inspired to continue to strive for that which is honorable, beautiful, and highest. 

But it was also my first time EVER away from my baby goose for more than a few hours.  I was pretty proud of myself because I only cried for a few minutes when Paul and baby goose dropped me off at the airport (and luckily I got there before the council from the chapter I work with so none of them had to witness it although I had warned them lol).  It was also Paul's first time taking care of Emma by himself for more than a couple hours.  To say we were both a little nervous would be an understatement. 

Our schedule at the conference was jam packed so I only got to skype with Paul and baby goose once.  That was probably better though because it made me teary eyed and I had to get off skype after a few minutes.  My favorite part of the conference was getting to spend time with my very close friend Emily who was there with her chapter council.  Love, love, love me some Emily and spending time with her makes me want to move back to Valdosta. 

As much fun as I had at the conference I am happy to be home.  Baby goose is up in her crib not napping.  She is getting so big and so good at pulling herself and standing.  Her 1st birthday is in 2 weeks!  I can't believe a whole year has already gone by and we'll have a toddler soon.  She eats like a champ and is totally weaned and drinking whole milk. 

Hope everyone has a great week!

Bye Bye Boobies

When I first started breastfeeding I NEVER thought I'd make it to 6 months much less a year.  It was painful, it was time consuming, I was exhausted, and the baby did NOT naturally know what to do (1 of the big lies you hear at the end of your pregnancy--the baby will just know what to do--NOT).  Going to a lactation consultant made all the difference and all of the sudden nursing was easy (of course baby was probably 4 months old at this point). 

Now here we are...weaning...baby 11 1/2 months old.  My plan was to go fully to 1 year and honestly I probably could've kept going past that, but I am going out of town this weekend (my first time away from baby ever...YIKES!) and didn't have any supply in the freezer and couldn't pump enough.  Our pedi gave us the okay to start whole milk and since we are also trying to get pregnant it seemed like the time to wean.  And yes, I know some women breastfeed during pregnancy, but I had a high risk pregnancy the first time so that is not an option for me. 

I really thought I'd be more excited about weaning.  I love that baby loves table food and solids and whole milk apparently (we tried some today.  I'm not even sure she realized it was anything different).  I had been nursing just morning and bedtime and tonight we cut out bedtime boobies and I am sad.  I miss that time with my baby goose, the cuddling, the nursing, the closeness.  Yes, I know we can still cuddle, but its not the same.  If you've nursed your baby then you know.   I have felt a little sad all night.  I am much  more emotional than I thought I would be about weaning. 

Also, my boobies have become deflated balloons.  It's not pretty y'all.  Anyone have a loser boob and a super boob?  Apparently it's normal for your breasts to produce different amounts of milk; however, I am now left with 2 different size boobies.  Sigh.  Still I am going to focus on the fact that I was able to produce milk for so long for my baby and that my boobies are healthy! Always see the blessings in everything in life. 

Now I know that when you see me you are going to be secretly trying to check out my rack to see if you can tell they are different sizes.  Don't lie.  I know.  It's okay.  I would look, too. 

My baby is almost a toddler.  Time really does go by so quickly!  And she is teething I think (or coming down with a cold...lucky daddy...of course while he was deployed baby was sick for 5 weeks so I think he can handle her fussiness for a weekend and he's a really good daddy so she'll be well taken care of as long as our doctor friend Rebekah is available on speed dial) so she's been super fussy during the night (tired anyone?). 

I love my baby goose. 

We're Bringing Sexy Back aka Why Emma Won't Get a Sibling

So we have decided to try and give Emma a little brother or sister and this week is the week to try.  Last night we were getting ready for bed and we were reminiscing talking about how when we first met we couldn't get enough of each other.  Oh, wait.  This blog may be a little TMI so if you are easily offended or family (Theresa this means you.  Stop reading.  Do not read this to Grams) or not interested in TMI then stop reading here.  Okay, you've been warned. 

Anyway, I asked Paul how to get things started.  I mean between bedrest and a deployment we are a little out of practice.  He laughed and said he couldn't remember.  He said we used to make out and kiss more with tongue.  I said yeah, but that seems like a lot more work now.  Now instead of just getting all wrestly with it we fight over who is in the middle of the bed because whoever is in the middle gets to be on the bottom.  Although last night the fact that I ate an ENTIRE pizza won out.  No one wants their spouse throwing up on them in the middle of nookie (which is not breastfeeding like my mother thinks). The following conversation then occurred while things were getting started.

Me:  Maybe we should go to an adult store.

Paul:  What would we get?

Me:  I don't know.  A game?

Paul:  What kind of game?

Me:  One that tells you what to do and stuff. 

And then I farted.  On him.  We laughed (naked mind you which is so not sexy when you're sporting a Santa belly like I am.  Talk about jiggling like a bowl full of jelly.) until we had tears streaming down our face.  We were hysterical.  And then Paul said, "Well, you did just eat all that pizza." 

And this is why Emma won't ever get a sibling. 

Beaches

The rest of our vacation at Beaches Turks & Caicos was exactly what you'd imagine a Caribbean vacation to be...warm breezes, sunny skies, cocktails at the swim up bar, napping in the afternoon, laying in the hammock, reading a good book...ahhh bliss! 

Thankfully we woke up feeling so much better on Saturday...starving, but better.  It's a good thing the food was included because we tore it up!  Even Emma thought the food was decilicious. 

We spent Saturday and Sunday in the pool and napping and eating as a family.  Monday we decided to drop Em off at Camp Sesame and try windsurfing.  Windsurfing so not my idea, but Paul wanted to try and I am nothing if not a good wife.  As the instructor was going over how to windsurf all I could think was "holy crap, holy crap."  So many things to remember!  The only thing I got from the instructor was that he was not going to be in the water with us (What!) and that if all else fails I can just fall off the board.  Let me just say that all else failed A LOT!  I think I spent more time screaming and falling into the water than I did on the actual board. 

Here is the 1 good picture of me windsurfing.  I was on the board exactly long enough for Paul to take a picture.  I really wanted to try paddleboarding, but they said it was too windy every day.

We also went snorkeling.  Paul was sure we could make it to the reef without life jackets, but thank goodness I made us walk all the way back to the water sports area to get them because for sure we would've drowned.  Okay, maybe not me because I used to be a lifeguard, but Paul for sure wouldn't have made it.  lol  We had a good time and only got whistled at once by the lifeguard for swimming out too far.  I didn't even think too much about being eaten by a shark (mostly because there was a natural barrier and I had asked 7 people who worked there if there were sharks and they all said no). 

We took advantage of Camp Sesame one day to go to the water park. 

We both went down the yellow slide first.  I had to leave my sunglasses up top so we went back up to go down again.  Paul told me if I went down the blue slide (I hate enclosed slides) that he'd walk back up and get my sunglasses.  I told him he was on.  Paul decided he would go down the blue slide first.  He sat at the top of the slide and sat there and sat there and finally chickened out and went down the yellow slide after I went down the blue slide.  So of course I gave Paul a hugely  hard time (as did the lifeguard at the top of the slides) until he finally agreed to try again.  Literally it took him 12 tries to let go of the handles and go down the slide (to the point that I pushed him, he started to go down the slide, and grabbed the bar at the last second to stop himself).  I laughed hysterically!  He screamed worse than I did going down the slide. 

I'm not sure Emma loved Camp Sesame, but she survived as did I (I was actually proud of myself for leaving her there and not being a lunatic about it).  The women who worked there seemed fantastic and we did feel comfortable leaving Em there.  We even dropped her off one night so we could go out to dinner without her.  Shock, gasp, I know!  Em did love the Sesame Street music shows they had every other night. 

 The pool was heated!  And Em loves her some swimming!

The water was this amazing turquoise.  The camera couldn't even begin to do it justice.  Beautiful!

keeping it classy with wine in a plastic cup

Em trying to sneak a drink instead of taking a picture

That was fun mom!

 I would go back to Turks & Caicos in a heartbeat.  In fact, hubby is probably tired of me whining saying, "I wanna be in Turks & Caicos."  If you ever get a chance to go the Beaches resort was phenominal.  The staff was so great.  The food was delicious!  Delicious!

And now life is getting back to normal which is also a very good and much needed thing.  Bliss I tell you.  Life is good!