TLC has a show called Extreme Cheapskate. We don't have cable right now so we watched about 25 episodes of this show on Netflix the other day. The Learning Channel did it's job. I learned something about being a cheapskate. All the extreme cheapskates have many quirks in common. I'm now going to teach you how to become an extreme cheapskate.
1) Being a cheapskate means you have to forgo toilet paper. Toilet paper is a waste of money. That's right...a waste of money! Now how you can deal with your bodily wastes varies. One woman chose to pee into an apple juice bottle, which she kept next to the toilet, which she then used in her composting. Several people chose to use just soap and water.
2) You can't flush the toilet. You can save your shower water and then use that to flush the toilet. Apparently you can save 30 whole dollars a year this way. You can also just flush the toilet once per week.
3) You have to wear the same clothes that you bought in 1983. Don't worry about the elastic being stretched out. You just get yourself a binder clip and use that to hold your shorts up. Don't worry about your clothes matching either. They won't. Plan on going to thrift stores that sell clothes to raise money for their charity and offering to pay way less than the $5 price tag. Act surprised when they don't accept your offer.
4) You have to eat food out of dumpsters. It's called dumpster diving. Wear gloves. Just ignore those bugs. You can wash that shit off. Just remember to dress up like a homeless person so that grocery stores are less likely to chase you off. It's easy to do since all your clothes from 1983 now have holes in them.
5) You cannot use your appliances for their stated purpose. One woman thought paying $17 a month for gas was a waste of money so she bought a 2 burner electric stove to cook her dumpster dive food. This way you can use your appliances for storage. And the dishwasher can also double as a washing machine. Just throw your clothes in with the 2 dishes you have.
6) You cannot buy furniture. Dumpster dive is the way to go. One woman furnished her entire apartment in NYC with furniture she had gotten from dumpsters.
7) You have to have a very low sense of personal cleanliness. Showering and washing clothes separately wastes a ton of money so you wear your clothes into the shower, soap them up, and then hang them up to dry. You can make your own deodorant out of corn starch and coconut oil or you can use corn starch to cover your entire body to keep cool (sort of like how an elephant uses dirt) because you can't have air conditioning.
8) You cannot pay for things. Any things. You may be a millionaire, but you never get to enjoy your money because you are cheap.
9) You have to be able to forage for your own salad fixings from local parks and your backyard. You may not find lettuce, but you'll find at least 3 other edible weeds to mix together. Wash the animal pee off and you have a fantastic salad.
10) If someone offers you a free place to live or stay you take it. It doesn't matter if it's a mattress under a bridge, if it's free then you are sleeping or living there. Ignore the asbestos walls, lead paint, or 1960's decor. Cheapskates can't be choosy.
11) You have to border on being a hoarder and you can't clean or organize anything in your house.
12) Hang a clothes line up in your house. Use it to dry paper towels so you can reuse them, hang up dental floss to reuse, reuse coffee grounds/tea bags 6 times, etc. A clothes line in your house is a versatile place to store things.
13) You have to let go of any sense of personal pride or self respect. People will think you are weird and/or crazy or both what with your 1983 clothes with the holes in them and your lack of showering. That's okay. They don't appreciate any of what I've said above. You won't have to worry about it for long because eventually you won't have any friends. People tend not to come over for dinner when they know you'll be serving dumpster dive food. More for you that way! Plus then you don't have to listen to complaints about how hot your house is from your lack of air conditioning.
And remember...free is the way to be!
