The first day

So, my first day of trying to be healthier...let me recap the rest of the day...

Enjoy a Reese's peanut butter tree on my way to Tifton. If you've ever been to Tifton, GA then you understand the need for chocolate on the way there. I also had 20 oz. of water though.

No snack when I got home. Spent 45 minutes unpacking and hooking up all the Wii components and equipment. Hooked up the Wii fit. Made our Mii's. Mine is sooo cute and chubby! You know it's not good when you step on the Wii and it says, "Ooh." As in "fat ass get the hell off of me!"

Here is the "skinny" on me not being skinny:
I fall into the overweight category...big surprise. I really was expecting obese as my scale likes to call me.

My Wii fit age is 39. Not too bad as Paul's was 47.

In a surprising twist Paul tested as a couch potato in strength training and yet I was a body builder...on the other hand I was a yoga novice and he was a yoga instructor! It was like bizzaro world.

Now the next 2 hours were spent: eating spaghetti dinner, having some spinach dip (made with low fat mayo and fat free sour cream, having 1 reese's tree, and kicking Paul's ass at QB challenge.

At this point my right arm is numb and I may have developed carpel tunnel.

So, my big question is this...does 2 hours of Wii count as exercise?

Oh, and I have to lose 5 lbs. by 2 weeks or Wii will be mad at me. So keep me honest people!

Fatty, fatty 2 by 4

I've decided to chronicle my "I am sick and tired of being a fat ass" journey to good health and skinny jeans through my blog. Why you would be interested in this is beyond me, but I am arrogant enough to think that y'all will think it is hilariously funny and so let us begin.

At 31 years old and 5'7" I am 175 lbs. which is approximately 40 lbs. more than I weighed in high school, 30 lbs. more than I weighed in college, and 25 lbs. more than I weighed when I got married. If I had known I would be closer to 200 lbs. than 100 lbs. at this point in life I NEVER would've complained about being fat when I was younger. (FYI I think you should grow thinner as you grow older than fatter as young people do not deserve such rocking bodies as they cannot properly appreciate them)

So, here I am, unable to bend over and tie my shoes without suffocating myself, have a nice spare tire in case my car breaks down, and become winded walking up stairs (or to the mailbox...whatever). I can no longer see my toes over my stomach which protrudes more than my breasts do (not an attractive look I can assure you) AND Santa ain't got nothing on me with the shaking and laughing (jelly what?).

That being said I did have a Publix sub for lunch with a few slices of extra cheese; however, I did have it on wheat bread which is not my fave and I only had 1/2 a fiber bar for breakfast with my McDonalds coffee (as I cannot financially afford Starbucks after Christmas). For the rest of the week I've stocked up on eggs, salad stuff including low fat (gross) dressing, and tuna. At least for lunch I shall eat healthy and in an effort to save money and calories will not be eating out for lunch or dinner Monday thru Thursday.

I also have my gym (plug for Ladies Workout Express in Valdosta) and got a Wii for Christmas and miraculously was able to find a Wii fit yesterday so this evening will be Wii fit time. My goal is to exercise in some form daily, even if its taking the dogs for a walk. I wish I was a morning person so I could get up and get going, but why ruin a streak when I haven't gotten up before 8am (okay 8:30am) since I've moved to Valdosta. I used to be friends with a girl who worked out before work and after work and she looked amazing and was happy all the time. As I am basically lazy I am going to stick to my once a day goal for now.

And since I am about one bad outfit away from being on "What Not to Wear" and I often think I could cause Stacy and Clinton to suffer heart attacks with my choices I figure I will be much more inclined to spruce myself up if I am able to fit into cuter clothes (like my sister and Mary...bitches).

I will let you know this evening how the Wii fit turns out. Hope I don't break anything. Since my initial brain age on Nintendo DS was 77 years old (I've since improved to 44 years old...sad) I have very low expectations to my fit age (I wonder if it goes above 100 years old?).

The Dogs

So, last night we were so traumatized by seeing Marley & Me (even though I read the book) that we decided to let all the babies sleep with us. In case you aren't aware all the babies consist of 4 dogs (Chihuahua, Chinese Crested, Boston Terrier, Boxer) and 2 cats. We have tried this once in the past and it did not work out and at 3am I ended up getting up and putting all the dogs in their cages and kicking the cats out. But I love my babies so let's go.

Starts out not too bad. I'm on my side, Paul's on his side, and between us lies Beast (chihuahua), Sasha (Boxer) and Jojo (Boston terrier). Beauty (chinese crested) is under the covers by my feet and somewhere on the bed is Simba (cat). Sherman (cat) does not really do dogs so he came in, saw our hot mess, and left.

And I was tired so I thought for sure I would fall asleep quickly as I felt pretty relaxed...but then I was too hot...and then someone was snoring (Sasha, Jojo?)...and then I had to pee...and then...and then...

And so time marched on and I lay awake as pets and Paul slept all around me. It was one of those nights where I drifted in and out of sleep, never fully falling into a deep sleep. It was a LONG night! Even after Paul got up and let the dogs out and then put them into their cages for a little bit I couldn't fall asleep.

Now I am exhausted and drinking coffee and hoping for some motivation as the thought of going to the grocery is too overwhelming at this level of tiredness.

On It's Me or the Dog Victoria was working with a Chinese Crestged who was mean and thought the house was her own personal toilet. I swear she was Beauty's twin! I tivo'd it in case I need to reference it again in the future and got some very good ideas (umbilical leash here we come!) for my dog who currently wears a diaper (and pees in the diaper on occassion which was so not the intention when I bought it--I thought it'd keep her from peeing at all!). Of course the next dogs were Great Danes and watching the Great Dane knock over his owner made me laugh hysterically! Of course I'm mean like that. :(

All I want to do now is go by Wii fit and Nintendo DS games (wedding planner game here I come!) because I think my Sim Castaway is not happy and is losing her will to live (not my fault...can't find any tools or food!).

Almost 11am and still rocking my jammies...nice! Oh well. We have a wedding at 3pm so I'll get dressed eventually...

Marley & Me **spoiler alert**

Against better judgment, Paul and I went to see Marley & Me this evening. I was already tired and slightly emotional from leaving my family in FL (and knowing my sister is moving next month) and I had read the book so I knew what was going to happen at the end of the movie. But I felt perked up after dinner (FYI Texas Roadhouse cheese fries and cactus blossom are NOT as awesome as Outback's awesome blossom and cheese fries; however, I still had to taste test for myself to be sure).

We arrive in perfect time to miss most of the previews and sit back to enjoy the movie. I have to admit that I had low expectations as I usually don't like movies based on books (see Twilight blog), but Marley surprised me. It was really funny.

You grow to love Marley and since I have a girl crush on Jennifer Aniston I was happy there, too. Paul and I agreed that we would stay together forever as long as I looked as good as Jennifer Aniston at age 40 and he looked as good as Owen Wilson (body wise, not nose wise). It's just a cute family movie.

But as you're watching the movie you realize that Marley is getting older. And we all know what happens when things get older...

They die.

Or in the case of most pets they are put to sleep. I'm crying slightly, trying to maintain control of myself because I know I am about a tear away from becoming a sobbing hysterical mess. Even Paul got a little teary eyed.

But I don't think it was the movie that made me cry. It was the thought of losing any of my pets...Beauty, Beast, Sasha, Jojo, Sherman, Simba. I may complain about them and curse at them on a daily basis, but they are my babies. I would be devastated if anything happened to any of them.

When the lights came up and Paul and I sat there and tried to compose ourselves we both looked at each other and knew...all the babies would have to sleep with us tonight and we must go home immediately and lay on the floor and let the dogs climb all over us.

I don't understand people who mistreat animals. Dogs are always happy to see you when you get home, they love you unconditionally, and they never complain. As mad as you get at them they are always loving. How can anyone look at a pet's doggy or kitty little face and be hateful to them? I think there is a specially awful hell for people who are mean to animals, children and old people.

Go see Marley & Me.

Twilight

I know there are many of you who may feel my upcoming thoughts are sacreligious; however, I do have to say...Twilight movie sooooo not as good as Twilight book.

The book mesmorized me. I finished all 4 books in about a 2 week period.

My sister and I went to see the movie last weekend. I did not have high expectations b/c I do NOT like the actress who plays Bella so right off the bat I was annoyed. Do you ever see people who just annoy you immediately for some reason? This is this actress to me (probaby b/c she was in that stupid true story movie Into the Wild that irritated me beyond belief).

Second...all the vampires looked way too old to be in high school. On the flip side Dr. Cullen looked like he was about 23 years old. Way too young. I did like the girl from The Ex List aka crazy on Grey's Anatomy who played Esme.

Third...I do not believe that someone as passionate and sexy as Edward could have loved that ugly ass girl who played Bella. I don't know why people keep talking about their chemistry...what chemistry?

Fourth...the the scenes where Edward runs real fast or climbs a tree...STUPID! Bad bad CGI. Definitely need a new director.

All that being said I am sure I will end up going to see the other movies when they came out. They are no Harry Potter movies, but...I do love the books. Karin and I were the oldest people in the theater and even the young'ens seemed disappointed and laughed at the movie.

But in today's random news...went to see a new client....as I walked up a squirrel ran away from me and then turned and charged me. Scared the crap out of me.

Oh, and I learned that drinking wine and making Christmas cookies does not end with artistic, well crafted cookies. Just a little FYI...

Today's un-normal event

Let me back track first to last night...I'm seeing a client last night and I make...HER CRY! Probably b/c I told her that something was bullcrap and called her on her craziness. But I did feel bad that she cried (of course not bad enough to remember to call and check on her today). The situation that is bullcrap...her "boyfriend" just got out of jail on Thanksgiving and has already cheated on her with the woman he was cheating on her with BEFORE he went to jail. But she loves him...really? Really? Girl, we got some work to do.

But on to today...come home from work and see a tow truck in front of my neighbor's house (or I assume a tow truck b/c of the bright lights and loud noise). Okay, whatever. Get out of my car and hear "Excuse me miss." Turn around to find this man walking towards me. He flashes a badge, his drivers license, an Arby's coupon (I have no idea) and says, "I'm Agent whatever. Do you know your neighbors?" Um, apparently not. And then asks me if they have a Jeep Liberty. Um, I can't even tell you what my license plate number is or what kind of truck Paul has and I'm supposed to tell what my neighbors drive. I did remember seeing some kind of SUV which I told him.

So, he's either a repo man, FBI Agent, or someone who will break into all our houses and kill us in our sleep. Okay, not my sleep b/c I don't sleep, but Paul doesn't have a chance. Okay, I don't either b/c I have zero survival instinct. Sad.

But in exciting news my sissy is coming to visit us on Saturday and I'm wicked excited. Wicked...Boston...I'm practicing the lingo so I fit in when we move.

Oh, and I went to the gym today...I rock. Go me, go me, go me. I have to lose weight before we move to Boston b/c we all know my fat, lazy ass will not be leaving the house when it's 10 degrees especially to go work out. I'm the person who litter trained my dog in OH so I didn't have to take him out in the snow. Come on now!

And in other dog related news...Beauty (my Chinese Crested) has to wear a diaper b/c she's bad. So not only is she ugly on her own she is now ugly in a diaper. Have you ever seen a baby monkey in a diaper? Aren't they cute? Yeah, she doesn't look like that. She kind of looks like a very ugly monkey in a diaper. Sadder.

The Secret Millionaire

Hmmm....First off, I really like this show. It makes me cry like a baby every time; however, tonight's episode made me a little more selfishly depressed than usual. And any female who saw it should know why.

Really? 5 kids, NFL cheerleader, oldest cheerleader...

Let me just say that if I had NO job and stayed home and just baked cookies and picked up my kids from school and serviced my husband and had a home gym...

Then PERHAPS I could also be skinny enough to be an NFL cheerleader.

Paul started to say how if I didn't have a full time job and then stopped himself because he realized I don't have a full time job.

So, now I'm even more depressed because I don't even have a good reason NOT to work out because I do only work part-time. Bastards!

My excuse though is that if God wanted me to be skinny then he would've made me skinny. I guess he wants me to be curvy...

The gym

I made it to the gym today. Whoohooo! Is it sad that I am completely proud of myself when I go to the gym? Like probably wouldn't be prouder if I won a Nobel Prize, got a Ph.D, etc?

Of course my gym routine takes 30 minutes and I rarely (and by rarely I mean never) do anything other than that 30 minute set. It's one of those womens gyms like a Curves.

The only reason I went today:

Um, I didn't work.

I had a Frosty Float at Wendy's (FYI delic).

And I thought I might want a cookie later.

Hmmm....I wonder why I can't lose weight...any thoughts?

The Christmas spirit

A couple of random thoughts:

The other day I was running errands and decided to eat lunch at Atlanta Bread (FYI NOT as good as Panera, but Valdosta doesn't have a Panera) b/c I wanted a Greek salad (FYI not a lot of places in Valdosta to get Greek salad). Get stopped at a light about 20 cars back from the light and I notice that despite the fact there is a green turn arrow the front car is NOT turning. Hmmm...Sit there, wait. Green arrow again and NOTHING happens. Now I'm getting pissed. Plus there are now an additional 15 cars behind me. There is no one in the lane to go straight so I pull up next to this front car and roll my window down. The guy rolls his window and I say, "You're in the f**ing turn lane. You need to f**ing turn." Which he tries to deny so I point out the fact that there is a turn arrow on a sign in front of him plus we passed a sign that said "Right Lane right turn only." I am PISSED! And then I notice his small child in the front seat. Clearly this man is an idiot b/c you don't put small children in the front seat with airbags, but whatever. Finally this douchetastic excuse turns and I almost could hear the applause of the people behind him. Of course now I'm stuck in the straight lane; however, a nice car let me pull back over so I could turn. I felt so bad and worried about my karma so much that the ABC had a adopt a foster kid for Christmas tree and I took 2 wishes off the tree to buy for 2 foster kids.

I've been subpoenaed again for the same case that I've been subpeonaed for 3 other times (2 times court was cancelled, 3rd time the subpoena they gave me was for a date already past). This date...December 23rd. Really? Court was cancelled on a random Tuesday b/c the judge just didn't want to do it and you expect me to believe that he's going to have court on Dec. 23rd. Plus I am planning on being in FL then and have 2 doctors appts on Dec. 23rd. So I called the attorney to say I will not be there and she is waiting to talk to her boss who should be in this weekend (Um, b/c he doesn't work during the week? What the hell?). I am sure my boss would have a stroke if she knew I did this, but I do not care and I get screwed and have to stay here and court is cancelled then I'm quitting and I"ll just do temp work until we move. I am completely anxious about this situation now and couldn't sleep at all last night because of it.

I was at a family team meeting at Dept. of Families and Children yesterday. After the team meeting the grandmother in the case asked if we could all pray, we stood up, held hands, and she said a prayer. She also praised Jesus through the entire meeting. Not that I minded the prayer, but really? Only in GA.

I have only been working out so that I can come home and eat cookies at night (damn you Lofthouse). And I wonder why I can never lose weight BUT...

I also heard on the radio that a study shows women feel their sexiest and most confident at age 34. Hmmm. At least I have something to look forward to.

Breakfast at McDonalds

Breakfast at McDonald's


This is a good story and is true, please read it all the way through until the end! (After the story, there are some very interesting facts!):



I am a mother of three (ages 14, 12, 3) and have recently completed my college degree.



The last class I had to take was Sociology.



The teacher was absolutely inspiring with the qualities that I wish every human being had been graced with.



Her last project of the term was called, 'Smile.'



The class was asked to go out and smile at three people and document their reactions.



I am a very friendly person and always smile at everyone and say hello anyway. So, I thought this would be a piece of cake,
literally.



Soon after we were assigned the project, my husband, youngest son, and I went out to McDonald's one crisp March morning.



It was just our way of sharing special playtime with our son.



We were standing in line, waiting to be served, when all of a sudden everyone around us began to back away, and then even my husband did.



I did not move an inch... an overwhelming feeling of panic welled up inside of me as I turned to see why they had moved.



As I turned around I smelled a horrible 'dirty body' smell, and there standing behind me were two poor homeless men.



As I looked down at the short gentleman, close to me, he was 'smiling'



His beautiful sky blue eyes were full of God's Light as he searched for acceptance.



He said, 'Good day' as he counted the few coins he had been clutching.



The second man fumbled with his hands as he stood behind his friend. I realized the second man was mentally challenged and the blue-eyed gentleman was his salvation.



I held my tears as I stood there with them.



The young lady at the counter asked him what they wanted.



He said, 'Coffee is all Miss' because that was all they could afford. (If they wanted to sit in the restaurant and warm up, they had to buy something. He just wanted to be warm).



Then I really felt it - the compulsion was so great I almost reached out and embraced the little man with the blue eyes.
That is when I noticed all eyes in the
restaurant were set on me, judging
my every action.



I smiled and asked the young lady behind the counter to give me two more breakfast meals on a separate tray.



I then walked around the corner to the table that the men had chosen as a resting spot. I put the tray on the table and laid my hand on the blue-eyed gentleman's cold hand.



He looked up at me, with tears in his eyes, and said, 'Thank you.'



I leaned over, began to pat his hand and said, 'I did not do this for you. God is here working through me to give you hope.'



I started to cry as I walked away to join my husband and son. When I sat down my husband smiled at me and said, 'That is why God gave you to me, Honey, to give me hope..'



We held hands for a moment and at that time, we knew that only because of the Grace that we had been given were we able to give.



We are not church goers, but we are believers.



That day showed me the pure Light of God's sweet love.



I returned to college, on the last evening of class, with this story in hand.



I turned in 'my project' and the instructor read it.



Then she looked up at me and said, 'Can I share this?'



I slowly nodded as she got the attention of the class.



She began to read and that is when I knew that we as human beings and being part of God share this need to heal people and to be healed.



In my own way I had touched the people at McDonald's, my son,the instructor, and every soul that shared the classroom on the last night I spent as a college student.



I graduated with one of the biggest lessons I would ever learn:



UNCONDITIONAL ACCEPTANCE.



Much love and compassion is sent to each and every person who may read this and learn how to


LOVE PEOPLE AND USE THINGS -

NOT LOVE THINGS AND USE PEOPLE.

Babies babies everywhere and not a drop to drink

I had a girl's lunch over the weekend with 2 friends I've know since elementary school. And around us where all our friends and family were procreating like rabbits sat the three of us...all childless, but in relationships (well, they were both married).

When you hit a certain age you begin to notice certain things changing around you. I have noticed that quite a lot of people I know (friend and foe alike) have profile pictures of themselves with their children. And I think why? Not why do they have the pictures up because who doesn't love adorable little babies and kids, but why are all these people rushing to have babies?

It's almost as if they hit a certain age and went "Oh, I'm 25 now (or 27 or 30), time to have a baby." Like hitting the little kid lottery. And a LOT of women I went to high school with are on their 2nd or 3rd kid at this point whereas I haven't even given much thought to one.

Yes, there are times I think I'd like to be a mom and then there are times that I think hell no. I'm 31 and yet sometimes I find it hard to believe I'm over 30 at all and I really feel that if my eggs weren't aging by the day and I had an infinite number of years left to get pregnant and have a healthy baby that I'd wait forever.

There are so many things to do in this world and so many more things I'd like to do. Maybe the people I know have done all the things they ever dreamed of and that's why they made the choice to have a baby or maybe having a baby was the thing they dreamed of. It never was for me. Sometimes I worry that I'm defective because I don't have that overly strong biological clock. I don't hear ticking in my every thought and every waking moment. Kids love me. I love kids. But do I want one clinging to my neck every second of every day? I'm not so sure. At least for right now.

And yet my age is at war with my desire to be selfish and unparenting. I routinely think "Oh my god. I'm going to be 32 soon. I don't want to be an old parent." But I also routinely think "God I'd love to go live in Paris or Tuscany for a summer and drink wine and eat cheese." There are so many things I enjoy doing. I like that I can get up and do what I want without a second thought. I like that Paul and I can take spontaneous weekend trips and only have to worry about if our petsitter is available or there is room at the kennel. A baby would change that, but would it change it for the better?

And I think that is the question that needs to be answered...would a baby change my life for the better? And until I can answer that question...selfish Jenn wins every time.

Bad boys, bad boys, whatcha gonna do, whatcha gonna do when they come for you?

Is it sad that when your boyfriend drives into the neighborhood the two of you live in and passes a cop car his first thought is that they were at your house and you must've called 911?

Which so was not the case by the way. I mean they were at my house, but I didn't call 911.

I'm sitting in the office, frantically trying to get some work done, when there is a knock on the door. I assume its the FedEx or UPS or something and go to open the door to find 2 Lowndes County Sheriff Deputies standing there. Of course the dogs are going crazy and since Beauty is an escape artist I have to pick her up, go out the door with her, close the door, turn around, open the door, and shove her back through the door. Plus although I am dressed for the gym I look as if I just rolled out of bed. I would make Clinton and Stacy cry today (well, most days really).

He asks if Jennifer Grant is in and I say that's me and he has a subpoena for me. No biggie seeing as this is my 3rd subpoena for the same case and court has been cancelled twice before. He fills out the form and the other deputy says, "Looks like your recycling bin tipped over" and I look up to see trash all over the entire front yard and driveway, including under my car. My response, "Oh man."

Deputy hands me the subpoena and I start to read it. Um, excuse me? This is for Nov. 25th. So they can come back so I can physically show them as the word of someone who lets trash blow all over their yard is not good enough. They say that they'll take it back and I mention how I don't want to get in trouble for not being in court on the 25th; however, seeing as I was never served then I can't be. Deputy says he believes the new court date is Dec. 5th (I won't hold my breath) so I'm sure they'll be back to serve me again.

They get in the car and I begin picking up trash trying not to laugh because Paul's on his way home and his neighbors are incredibly nosy and I'm sure this whole situation is too much for them to comprehend.

And Paul gets home and the first thing he says, "Cops were here" because he passed them on his way in.

And this is my life...

Black Friday

Despite my boyfriend, his brother-in-law, and his 2 sisters getting up in the middle of the night to go shopping on Black Friday I spent my Black Friday how it should be spent...in bed.

His sisters got up at 2am in order to be somewhere at 3am. Paul and his bro-in-law got up at 4am to leave at 4:30am. They all ran into each other at Sears at 5am.

The only time I am getting out of bed to leave the house at 3am or 4am is if the house is on fire...and even then it's really a crap shoot if I actually will get up...depends a lot on how sleepy and lazy I am (I have minimal survival instinct).

Besides I figure there is NOTHING I need on sale at 5 o'clock in the morning that I wouldn't be willing to pay full price for at a more reasonable hour and if I can't afford it for full price then I probably don't need it in the first place.

And the poor man trampled to death at Walmart just confirms my belief that CRAZY people shop at Walmart. How desperate for a flat screen tv do you need to be to literally trample someone to death. Come on people!

Between that and watching JackAss 2 on Thanksgiving I have figured out that America is in a downfall. Have you ever seen JackAss 2? If any of those were my sons I would disown them. I have never seen such stupid people in my entire life. And its a sad commentary on American culture when such stupidity allows idiots to get rich while other people struggle and can't find full time jobs despite have a masters degree. We live in a sad, sad world. We have people in our country who are homeless and yet I watched some guy get a dildo shot up his ass, pour beer into his ass, climb on top of a rocket and get shot over a lake, put on a helmet and let someone fart into it (take your pick as to which is the most completely asinine).

Topped only by the news that a professional football player shot himself in the leg in a nightclub...really? Really?

Yes, despite being a Democrat, I believe that our stupidity as a nation will be our utter demise. The problem with the gene pool is that there's no lifeguard and so Darwin's theory of natural selection is utterly irrelevant in today's society.

All that being said we did put up our Christmas tree yesterday, buying said tree from a very interesting good ole boy from GA who could not stop talking about how Obama can't produce a birth certificate. Really? Ya think that American citizenship wouldn't be something that the Democrats wouldn't have checked out before allowing him to run or that McCain wouldn't have jumped all over in his ad campaigns. Hmmm...perhaps that is why you sell Christmas trees for a living.

I am excited for Christmas. My only hope is that people remember that Christmas is not about capitalism, but about spending time with loved ones, giving back to others, and being grateful for all you do have.

Hope everyone had a safe and happy Thanksgiving!

The reality of being 30, single, and childless

I don't really consider myself alone. I have a ton of great friends and my family and something else, but...

I went and saw the movie "Juno" tonight. It was hysterical and yet at the same time it left me feeling very depressed. Not depressed over the movie, but depressed over the fact that I spend 5 days a week listening to 15 year old teenage mothers asking me why I'm not married and why I don't have any babies. I see babies 5 days a week. I hold babies 5 days a week. And I still am no closer to having my own babies.

And right now I honestly would rather have a baby than be in a relationship and I'm contemplating the fact that when I turn 31 and if I still feel strongly about having a baby then I might just go ahead and have a baby. I own a home, I have a good job, I'm financially secure (as much as anyone can be), and I really want to be a mom. Down to the deepest parts of my bones I want to be a mom.

And whether or not you want to have kids is a deal breaker for me because at this point I would not date a guy who didn't want to have kids someday. But I'm involved with a guy who I'm not sure is someone I even want to date seriously, much less get married and have kids with. He is a terrific person, but I don't know that he is for me. And it's funny because I somehow always end up with these guys that I don't really think are great catches, and yet women LOVE them. Or they love other women. But we somehow can never get it together. And the one person I thought I would spend my life with is in love with someone else. So, here I am.

And it's ironic because I spent my 20's thinking I NEVER wanted to have kids and it was part of the reason I got divorced and now....

I'm 30, I'm ready to have a baby, and...it's not a possibility. And I wonder if I'm even able to have kids because I've never even had so much as a pregnancy scare. Not even once.

And if one person tells me to be patient or that it will happen when it's time or whatever other bullshit people say then seriously I will kill you because I don't want to hear it. When you have 11 friends who gave birth in 2007 and 3 more friends giving birth in 2008 (some of whom were part of the 2007 crowd) then we will talk.

And even though I would like to believe in that fairytale of meeting someone, falling in love, and having children together...I just don't want to wake up one day and be 40 years old, single, and with no children. It feels like a risk I'm not willing to take.

So, it seems there are many decisions to be made in 2008.

Fortune shines on me...and my exboyfriend, I guess

Okay, so I had made the supremely stupid mistake of cosigning my exboyfriend's jeep loan. Of course he wasn't my exboyfriend then and I thought we'd be together forever or at least long enough for him to get the jeep refinanced in his own name (and I won't even tell how I stupidly loaned him money because that is a whole other story).
Anyways, I haven't really worried about the jeep since he moved out in September because he makes the payments on time and I own my own home so if I'm stuck here forever because of shitty credit (FYI...my credit is pretty good right now) caused by this jeep then it's my own fault. Nothing I can do about it.
But he was in an accident! He got hit by a car that ran a red light and the insurance company TOTALED OUT THE JEEP and thank god we had gotten the gap insurance because that paid for the rest. So in two weeks I will be free and clear and no longer have a jeep loan in my name. And thank god he is okay, too. Of course thank god he is okay.
Women in love do stupid things. Actually people in love do stupid things when they are in love. And then they pay for them when they aren't in love anymore.
I have found that thought as unlucky as I am in other parts of my life, financially things always seem to work out (even though I have a shitload of debt I am trying to pay off, but at least I finally have a job where I can afford to work at paying it off--DAMN my love of shopping!!!).
Today was supposed to be the first day of my new work out kicking butt to get in shape for a June girl's only trip and no go. Still feel too sick. Actually January 2nd was supposed to be the start, but since I was bedridden last week I rescheduled for today. Tomorrow is not looking good either. Maybe Wednesday. Yup, I'm going to plan on Wednesday. I should be better by then. But I did lose 5 lbs. thanks to not being able to eat anything last week (I'm sure regained by the Pizza Hut I ate for dinner).
Time to get ready for bed. Didn't sleep at all last night and need to take my cold meds.
Ciao!

New relationships

New relationships are scary. Even scarier when you are trying to figure things out over a long distance. Not only figure things out, but figure each other out. It is hard for me to relax and go with the flow of things...not just in relationships, but usually in life in general. I like things to be defined. I like things that I can be in control of. I think that is why I'm a good...no, an excellent social worker because I am perfectly comfortably stepping into people's lives (even strangers) and telling them what they need to do to be better students, better parents, better citizens, etc. I love giving advice and I will give advice to anyone whether they ask for it or not (right, Ryan?). Of course, this advice giving could be one of my more obnoxious qualities and I can recognize that. It's just that I am so good at it. My own life may be a chaotic, uncontrollable, mess; but I'll tell you the exact steps you need to take to fix things in your own life. I just am no good at taking my own advice. I think I give off an advice giving vibe, too, because random people always approach me and instantly share the most bizarre, personal information. I don't even have to ask. It's a gift and a curse, I tell ya.

But the relationship thing....that one gets me everytime. And I wasn't always this crazy, neurotic, paranoid person. I can remember having a very successful long distance relationship my senior year of college and not really worrying about what he was doing or who he was with. I even moved to OH to be with this guy when I graduated (of course we broke up two months after I got there, but at least I found a career out of it and I have no regrets about moving). And then my marriage...great husband, awful wife. And I almost believe that I've been suffering karmic retribution ever since I chose to get divorced b/c my ex is happily remarried and I've had nothing, but crap since. Until now. I am trying to keep all my bullshit in check, be honest about my feelings, and let go and relax. I don't need to be in control. I will not harbor unhealthy thoughts anymore. And finally instead of expecting the worst to happen (because I found it often does if you expect it), I am going to expect the best (and whether that best means we end up happily ever after or just as great friends so be it).

I really have been focusing on the spiritual and utilizing my trust in the universe (aka God) to know that things in my life are going exactly as they are meant to be.

So, here I am. It's 2008 and I am 30 years old. And I have a hell of a lot to look forward to this year! Yea!!!

How the movie ended...among other things

So, I wasted 2 hours of my life watching "All the Good Ones are Taken" because I (A) never understand why the hell the movie was called that because I saw NO good ones in the entire movie and (B) the ending was totally unrealistic and awful. A quick recap (now remember the description of the movie was something about a woman forms an unlikely friendship with her exhusband's mistress): This 24 year old girl catches her husband cheating b/c he had videos of himself having sex with another girl on his computer (stupid asses--delete shit off your cell phones and computers) so the girl leaves and ends up moving in with her boss's guest house. Her female boss and her hubby aren't getting along b/c she devotes too many hours to work, whine, whine, whine so of course (cliche) the husband sleeps with the 24 year old. The 24 year old then gets pissed b/c the husband feels guilty and doesn't want to sleep with her after their one time so she seduces him and then she tells his wife. Husband makes it completely out to be his wife's fault b/c she doesn't pay enough attention to him blah blah blah. Wife kicks him out and kicks girl out and fires her. Girl has to crawl back to exhusband who now has new girlfriend living with him for a place to stay. Guy allows girl to move back in with him and new girlfriend and new girlfriend puts up with this shit (um, my bags would have been packed and out the door). Guy then forces girl to break into old job and steal shit which is apparently something they had previously done together except now job has new video camera security system and girl is caught on tape. Girl conveniently overdoses on pills that exhusband so readily has available while him and new girlfriend are off who knows where. Girl then calls boss's husband and passes out on the phone. Husband runs to boss who is watching the tape of her breaking in and stealing shit. They frantically find the girl's address and rush in just in time to call 911. Boss and husband reunite in tragedy, girl survives, and boss gives her her job back and she becomes a hot shot purse designer. And all I can say is "Are you fucking kidding me?" I just can't believe any of that is realistic for the following reasons: If my whiney ass husband slept with someone else and blamed me--buhbye dipshit (the wife was the primary breadwinner anyways--she didn't need his money), what new girlfriend allows her boyfriend's exwife to move in with them, and really what boss is going to hire back an employee who not only slept with her husband but stole from her company? And what good ones was the movie referring to? I saw zero good men in the movie.
Then I decide to watch "How to Look Good Naked." AWESOME SHOW! I have to get on there except I think I am not heavy enough to be on there. But whatever...maybe someday.
Then I take myself to go see PS I love you where I cried for the ENTIRE movie! FYI...don't go see sad romantic comedies by yourself when you are feeling unsure about the state of your own union (which is a whole other story). Then being thoroughly depressed leaving the movie I end up at dinner with a friend where we discuss our love/hate relationship with relationships. But still am depressed by this movie. even though it was pretty good.
Why do I put myself through this????

Monogamy

have somehow gotten sucked into this Lifetime movie about a woman who becomes unlikely friends with her exhusband's mistress (seriously that is what the description says) with the even stranger title "All the Good Ones are Taken." So, now I have to watch to find out what the hell the title has to do with the description.
But it has got me thinking about cheating and people who cheat. When I was younger (high school and especially college) cheating seemed the norm. I know very few people who were truly monogamous during those times.
But now...cheating seems unacceptable. If I am dating someone and he feels the need to have sex with someone else, kiss someone else, ask another girl for her phone number, give his number to another girl, talk to another girl in the middle of the night then just break up with me. Because if a guy has those needs then I am clearly not the girl he needs for whatever reason. And if I feel that need then I shall do the same.
I know Europeans accept infidelity as more of a natural part of life. But Europeans also keep their infidelity to themselves. Unlike Americans who are overcome with guilt and feel the need to tell on themselves.
But we aren't European and I don't want to hear you cheated on me because you feel guilty about it. Just don't cheat or just end things with me first. That is all I ask.
FYI...my affirmation has been working overtime. I will not harbor unhealthy thoughts anymore. I will not harbor unhealthy thoughts anymore. I will not harbor unhealthy thoughts anymore.
I think I've been home sick too many days with too little outside interaction. Too much time to think.

Long Distance Relationships

are HARD! I think hardest for me because so many things seem so much more out of my control and anyone who knows me knows that I LIKE TO BE IN CONTROL (an unfortunate trait I inherited from my mother). It takes a lot for me to just let go and trust someone not to hurt me. I keep reminding myself things my therapist has told me...mainly, it's none of my business, worrying doesn't change anything (e.g. if he's going to cheat then he's going to cheat...me worrying about it only negatively affects me--although I guess ultimately my relationships as well--sort of like a self fulfilling prophecy). In a relationship where you are in the same area, for the most part, you know where the other person is and what they are doing and who they are doing it with (unless you have one of those really sneaky, lying, rat bastard boyfriends). In a long distance relationship there is no telling what the other person is doing or who they are doing it with (which is disturbing if they have remained friends with people they've done "it" with in the past) and you just kind of have to accept that there will be those times that you don't talk as much for whatever reason and that you won't always know what is going on. I try to fool myself into thinking that I NEED to know what the other person is doing so that we can be a part of each other's lives, but I know that is my own bullshit (aka I'm nosy and paranoid and neurotic). This is an issue I am working on. And I have to NOT allow my happiness to be centered around another individual, but rather look out from my heart at other's and find things that make me happy. I think if I am truly happy on my own then happiness will follow in my relationship. So, we don't talk, so we break up, so whatever...there are certain things that will always be true and constant in my life. So, I'm not married, so I'm childless, so what...I get to do awesomely amazing things that my married, childbearing friends cannot. I am going to Alaska in August. I am contemplating doing a home exchange for the summer and living abroad somewhere for a month (maybe Italy--either Tuscany or Rome) or maybe just traveling in the USA (huge road trip anyone?). I am going to take a photography class at the Ringling School starting in January (need to remember to register) and I want to learn another language (Spanish would be smart, French or Italian would be more romantic). I want to meditate and resume my yoga practice and go to church on the regular. I want to stop eating so much junk food and start going to the gym and I want to kayak. I want to snorkle and not be afraid. I want to not be afraid of a lot of things. I want to feel okay that I'm not a size zero or even a size 8. I want to worship my body for what it is--the gift that God gave me with all parts in working order. I want to travel with my girlfriends, travel with a boyfriend, and travel with my sister (big trip when she finishes school). I want to find my bliss.
I will not harbor unhealthy thoughts anymore. --Elizabeth Gilbert
I want to find my bliss.

an introduction

Who am I? I think that I am always searching...searching for who I am, who I want to become, who I am meant to be, and that extra something undefinable.

I am 30 years old, divorced, a social worker, a pet owner, a home owner, a daughter, and a sister. My family and friends are the absolute most important to me. My relationships with men...always end up interesting and tragic. To say it is better to have love and lost obviously did not come from someone who develops feelings for everyone. LOL

I have a wall around me. I am afraid to get close to men or to allow them to get close to me. But I'm trying to get better. I'm trying to keep things in check and maintain my perspective. No one ever died from a broken heart. And there is so much MORE to life than having a relationship with a man.

I am turbulent and crazy and sensitive and chaotic and indescribable. I can be very moody.

I can let too much of myself go and hold on too much to other people. I secretly want to be a writer...or a marine biologist...or a photographer. I am always learning and searching and being.