I don't really consider myself alone. I have a ton of great friends and my family and something else, but...
I went and saw the movie "Juno" tonight. It was hysterical and yet at the same time it left me feeling very depressed. Not depressed over the movie, but depressed over the fact that I spend 5 days a week listening to 15 year old teenage mothers asking me why I'm not married and why I don't have any babies. I see babies 5 days a week. I hold babies 5 days a week. And I still am no closer to having my own babies.
And right now I honestly would rather have a baby than be in a relationship and I'm contemplating the fact that when I turn 31 and if I still feel strongly about having a baby then I might just go ahead and have a baby. I own a home, I have a good job, I'm financially secure (as much as anyone can be), and I really want to be a mom. Down to the deepest parts of my bones I want to be a mom.
And whether or not you want to have kids is a deal breaker for me because at this point I would not date a guy who didn't want to have kids someday. But I'm involved with a guy who I'm not sure is someone I even want to date seriously, much less get married and have kids with. He is a terrific person, but I don't know that he is for me. And it's funny because I somehow always end up with these guys that I don't really think are great catches, and yet women LOVE them. Or they love other women. But we somehow can never get it together. And the one person I thought I would spend my life with is in love with someone else. So, here I am.
And it's ironic because I spent my 20's thinking I NEVER wanted to have kids and it was part of the reason I got divorced and now....
I'm 30, I'm ready to have a baby, and...it's not a possibility. And I wonder if I'm even able to have kids because I've never even had so much as a pregnancy scare. Not even once.
And if one person tells me to be patient or that it will happen when it's time or whatever other bullshit people say then seriously I will kill you because I don't want to hear it. When you have 11 friends who gave birth in 2007 and 3 more friends giving birth in 2008 (some of whom were part of the 2007 crowd) then we will talk.
And even though I would like to believe in that fairytale of meeting someone, falling in love, and having children together...I just don't want to wake up one day and be 40 years old, single, and with no children. It feels like a risk I'm not willing to take.
So, it seems there are many decisions to be made in 2008.
