Today's reality tv show topic...Patti Stanger aka The Millionaire Matchmaker. I watched one...two...five episodes today and was reminded of something that I've wondered about in the past when I've watched her show.
Before I met Paul I debated sending a picture in to her so that I could try and meet a millionaire. I think I would've been attractive enough to pass her stringent standards (and by stringent I mean very low). I know some of you may find that hard to believe, but when I was thinner and took the time to do my hair and make up and put on clean clothes I was a smoking hottie.
I realized though that if I was selected I would totally be with someone just for money because I'VE NEVER SEEN AN ATTRACTIVE MILLIONAIRE on her show. Never. Not once. I have never watched her show and thought "Dang he's fine." I usually actually throw up in my mouth a little. And how come every 40 year old bachelor thinks that he is hot enough to date a 23 year old and have her like him for her. If you are 40 and a bachelor there is a reason you've never been married. It might be time to explore that with a professional. And FYI you are not hot enough to date a 23 year old. Especially if you are on Millionaire Matchmaker.
The other question I have is...has anyone actually seen a couple who ends up staying together and getting married on this show? At the end of every episode the millionaire usually does something totally douchy that turns the gold digging 23 year old off in such a manner that she decides there may be another millionaire out there for her. On the one episode today 23 year old Teal had sex with her millionaire Azgros (okay, um the word gross is in his name...enough said) and then cried when she told Patti about it because it was so disgusting. Really you couldn't figure that out ahead of time. This is a person who brought his entire family to the 2 way mirror spy on the girls and pick one thing. I can't imagine why this love match didn't work out.
And Patti gets so mad when the millionaires and their skanks don't do what she says to the letter. It cracks me up. Especially because um, you've dated the same guy for 5 years and haven't sealed the deal. I'm just saying...
Patti makes me laugh and I'm not hating on her show. I just don't think she's a very good matchmaker. I want to see a success story!
Wednesday, October 6, 2010
Monday, October 4, 2010
My day on the Jersey Shore in Miami
So being stuck on bedrest, reading stranger's blogs, and watching Jersey Shore reruns has made me wonder "What would a day in my life be like if I spent it on Jersey Shore?"
"Holla bitches," I scream as I sashay through the doors of the Miami skank pad. I'm rocking my dayglo tan, inch long acrylics, long straightened black hair, and spandex mini tank dress. The only thing holding my boobs in is the laws of gravity and some duct tape. I look like a total guidette.
The Situation hands me a vodka/tequila/rum smoothie and the chants of "Chug, chug, chug" fill the air. As its almost time to go out to da club I quickly down a jagerbomb and go into the bathroom to touch up my make up. Another 9 coats of mascara, black eyeliner in an inch thick line on both uppper and lower lash lines, and enough bronzer to tan a ginger kid and I'm ready to get my drunk on.
The cab driver, knowing that 11pm is time to get our groove on, is already waiting outside. We pile inside and I immediately pick a fight with Angelina. She is the ultimate skank-ho and is clearly not as attractive as me. A full out girl fight ensues in the cab, but the cab driver doesn't miss a beat and gets us all safely to da club without once pulling over. He doesn't even miss a traffic light when Ronnie starts uncontrollably vomiting. Some people just can't handle their steroids and tequila. Party foul! It's okay though because Sammi is there to make sure he's all cleaned up. Having been through this before she pulls some wetwipes and a clean shirt out of her save Ronnie purse. Crisis averted!
As I'm not into hooking up with a random grenade, I instead choose to hook up with a grenade from the Jersey Shore house. As Pauly D seems the most pathetic at 30 years old, and the closest to me in age, I immediately give him my come hither look except it's hard to blink my eyes in a sexy manner since they are weighed down by a pound and a half of eyeliner and mascara. He knows what I mean though and we get our grind on. We continue dancing all night...mostly because my hands get stuck in his gelled out hair. I dance like a pro thanks to that stripper work out DVD I've done everyday for a week in preparation for my trip to Miami. The other girls are clearly jealous of me as I have the most rocking body, its definitely better than Snookie's booze bloated munchkin body.
We head back to the house with the skankopotomuses and slutosauruses that all the housemates are gonna expose to various STDs tonight. It's like cockroaches scurrying away from the light as each person heads to their bed with their conquest for the night. The cab drivers know to be back outside at 4am to drive home these paragons of society.
I pass out face first on the living room floor, my mini tank dress exposing my thong clad chucky. It's all good though cause I got my Brazilian on before I left Jersey to head to Miami. The next afternoon I wake up with a condom wrapper and some cheetos stuck to my face and crawl to the couch. A shot of vodka clears my booze addled head and my make up and hair have that sexy morning after quality so I decide not to shower. An hour at the beach and my tan is fierce. I head home with integrity intact and an appointment to get some penicillin from my doctor. My parents will be so proud!
"Holla bitches," I scream as I sashay through the doors of the Miami skank pad. I'm rocking my dayglo tan, inch long acrylics, long straightened black hair, and spandex mini tank dress. The only thing holding my boobs in is the laws of gravity and some duct tape. I look like a total guidette.
The Situation hands me a vodka/tequila/rum smoothie and the chants of "Chug, chug, chug" fill the air. As its almost time to go out to da club I quickly down a jagerbomb and go into the bathroom to touch up my make up. Another 9 coats of mascara, black eyeliner in an inch thick line on both uppper and lower lash lines, and enough bronzer to tan a ginger kid and I'm ready to get my drunk on.
The cab driver, knowing that 11pm is time to get our groove on, is already waiting outside. We pile inside and I immediately pick a fight with Angelina. She is the ultimate skank-ho and is clearly not as attractive as me. A full out girl fight ensues in the cab, but the cab driver doesn't miss a beat and gets us all safely to da club without once pulling over. He doesn't even miss a traffic light when Ronnie starts uncontrollably vomiting. Some people just can't handle their steroids and tequila. Party foul! It's okay though because Sammi is there to make sure he's all cleaned up. Having been through this before she pulls some wetwipes and a clean shirt out of her save Ronnie purse. Crisis averted!
As I'm not into hooking up with a random grenade, I instead choose to hook up with a grenade from the Jersey Shore house. As Pauly D seems the most pathetic at 30 years old, and the closest to me in age, I immediately give him my come hither look except it's hard to blink my eyes in a sexy manner since they are weighed down by a pound and a half of eyeliner and mascara. He knows what I mean though and we get our grind on. We continue dancing all night...mostly because my hands get stuck in his gelled out hair. I dance like a pro thanks to that stripper work out DVD I've done everyday for a week in preparation for my trip to Miami. The other girls are clearly jealous of me as I have the most rocking body, its definitely better than Snookie's booze bloated munchkin body.
We head back to the house with the skankopotomuses and slutosauruses that all the housemates are gonna expose to various STDs tonight. It's like cockroaches scurrying away from the light as each person heads to their bed with their conquest for the night. The cab drivers know to be back outside at 4am to drive home these paragons of society.
I pass out face first on the living room floor, my mini tank dress exposing my thong clad chucky. It's all good though cause I got my Brazilian on before I left Jersey to head to Miami. The next afternoon I wake up with a condom wrapper and some cheetos stuck to my face and crawl to the couch. A shot of vodka clears my booze addled head and my make up and hair have that sexy morning after quality so I decide not to shower. An hour at the beach and my tan is fierce. I head home with integrity intact and an appointment to get some penicillin from my doctor. My parents will be so proud!
Sunday, October 3, 2010
Adventures in cooking
Paul has been doing tremendous at his new cooking duties although I'm sure he hopes the doctor takes me off bedrest. I don't have the heart to tell him that even if the doctor takes me off bedrest I may still be told not to cook, clean, etc.
Friday night Paul made chicken breasts, corn, sugar snap peas, and crescent rolls. Watching him trying to make a crescent roll was hilarious! He comes into the living room holding this roll of dough and unsure what to do with it. I asked if he read the directions and he admitted that he did not and had already thrown away the container. lol
Saturday I woke up with severe stomach pain. Bad enough that we went to the ER to make sure I wasn't in labor. Everything with the baby looked good and the doctor felt it was a GI issue. I'm sure it had nothing to do with Fridays dinner....I slept most of the day on Saturday and felt better by mid-afternoon.
Today required Paul to go grocery shopping. Now Paul has come with me when I've grocery shopped and he's stopped to pick up a few things, but he hasn't ever done a full on grocery shop by himself. I made him a list and off he went. It seemed as if several hours went by, along with a couple phone calls with questions, before I got a text that said he was finished with my list and now freelancing. Hmmmmm...as its Sunday and I know Paul loves football I planned an easy dinner for him...ham bbq. Deli ham, bbq sauce, butter, and buns.
Tomorrow though is pot roast in the crock pot meaning Paul will have to start the crock pot before he leaves for work.
Really though Paul has been amazing. I don't know what I did to get blessed with such an amazing husband, but I truly am lucky. He's taken everything in stride and without complaint. And we have had quite the stressors in our time together...I lost my job, moved to GA to live with him, couldn't find a full time job, we moved to Boston, bought a house, had several months of me being unemployed again, got married, had a miscarriage, and now bedrest. But through it all we've leaned on each other and taken everything with good attitudes and gratitude for the blessings we have. I couldn't imagine my life without Paul and there isn't anyone else I'd rather share my life with.
Friday night Paul made chicken breasts, corn, sugar snap peas, and crescent rolls. Watching him trying to make a crescent roll was hilarious! He comes into the living room holding this roll of dough and unsure what to do with it. I asked if he read the directions and he admitted that he did not and had already thrown away the container. lol
Saturday I woke up with severe stomach pain. Bad enough that we went to the ER to make sure I wasn't in labor. Everything with the baby looked good and the doctor felt it was a GI issue. I'm sure it had nothing to do with Fridays dinner....I slept most of the day on Saturday and felt better by mid-afternoon.
Today required Paul to go grocery shopping. Now Paul has come with me when I've grocery shopped and he's stopped to pick up a few things, but he hasn't ever done a full on grocery shop by himself. I made him a list and off he went. It seemed as if several hours went by, along with a couple phone calls with questions, before I got a text that said he was finished with my list and now freelancing. Hmmmmm...as its Sunday and I know Paul loves football I planned an easy dinner for him...ham bbq. Deli ham, bbq sauce, butter, and buns.
Tomorrow though is pot roast in the crock pot meaning Paul will have to start the crock pot before he leaves for work.
Really though Paul has been amazing. I don't know what I did to get blessed with such an amazing husband, but I truly am lucky. He's taken everything in stride and without complaint. And we have had quite the stressors in our time together...I lost my job, moved to GA to live with him, couldn't find a full time job, we moved to Boston, bought a house, had several months of me being unemployed again, got married, had a miscarriage, and now bedrest. But through it all we've leaned on each other and taken everything with good attitudes and gratitude for the blessings we have. I couldn't imagine my life without Paul and there isn't anyone else I'd rather share my life with.
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