The Beginning

My throat felt tight all day and I struggled to keep from crying.  I focused all my energy into being in the moment, enjoying the precious time left before Paul left for Afghanistan, but in the back of my head a little clock counted down the hours then minutes then seconds.  The night before as we ate dinner I thought, "This is our last dinner together until Paul gets back from Afghanistan." 

We had a busy day.  By 9am we had gone to Starbucks, Staples, McDonalds, and Walmart.  This was mostly in part to Stinky living up to her name and leaving a present for her daddy in her diaper at 6:30am.  I could hear Paul saying, "She's still pooping" as he tried to change her diaper.  He brought her back into our room, laid her on his bare chest where she promptly threw up all over him.  Thus began our day.  He showered and then got another present while I showered. 

We had to go to the armory so Paul could pick up his weapons so we ate lunch at Bucca De Beppo.  It's hard to swallow when your throat is tight. 

Then it was home.  Paul did some last minute stuff (charged camera, updated Ipod playlist, etc.) and I took lots of pictures (none of which I've uploaded yet onto my computer). 

Finally it was time for Paul to go upstairs to change and we had family snuggle time on the bed.  I laid next to Paul as he sat Stinky on his chest and talked to her.  I was proud of myself for not crying as we were down to our last fifteen minutes before his ride came until I looked over and saw a tear rolling down Paul's cheek.  It was all over then and the waterworks began for both of us. 

Through the window I saw our friend Danielle pull into our driveway to take Paul to the airport.  He took Stinky downstairs while I tried to compose myself.  Epic failure.  He had finished loading up his stuff when I got downstairs so all that was left to do was say "see ya later." 

How do you condense so much feeling and emotion into one last kiss goodbye?  Even though I had 5 months to prepare for him being gone I wanted more time.  I wasn't ready.  Stinky and I waved to Paul as they pulled out of the driveway.

I allowed myself a few minutes to cry when we got back into the house and then it was up to do a load of laundry and let Stinky nap and get ready to go meet our friend Brittney and Corey for dinner in Boston (God love them for coming up from south GA to distract me all weekend).

I was surprised I wasn't crying, but I felt a curious sense of detachment.  I truly don't think it had hit me yet that Paul would be gone for 6 months.  It seemed more like he was just on a TDY. 

That same numbness and denial carried me through today.  I enjoyed spending time in Boston with B & C and Stinky.  It wasn't until about 6:30pm that I realized "Paul leaves for Afghanistan in 6 hours" and that numbness started to give way to sadness.  I miss him so much already.  We've been apart before, but never for longer than a month or two.  I put away all the laundry and thought, "This is the last of Paul's laundry I'll be doing until he gets back." 

So, I sit here waiting for that last phone call before Paul leaves the country.  I know I should be sleeping as Stinky has been in bed since 8:30pm, but...it's too much right now.  It's too much.