Mommy Got Screwed

 

The hubby was off work this morning and under his watchful eye THIS happened to the baby.  No, that's not blood.  She ate a crayon and by ate, well part of that seems self explanatory, used her mouth to draw all over the carpet.  Maybe she is an artist and has created a new medium of mouth art on carpet.  This all occurs while I am COOKING him breakfast and making the toddler's lunch as he checks facebook.

I then believe the hubby has a meeting at 10am and he was told graciously offered to take the dogs to the kennel on his way.  As I am trying to herd a very reluctant toddler out the door he asks about the baby "You're taking her with you, right?"  I think  he has to leave so I say yes.  

Drive to school, get both kids in, change the toddler's shoes, wash her hands, bundle the baby back into the car, and head home.  

Guess who is still home?  THE HUBBY!  

So, A) you could've kept the baby or B) you could've taken the toddler to school!  

Being a single parent is hard.  And as such I've already left the hubby to a friend in my will so I know that he and the girls will be taken of.  

Seven Days of Falafel

Everyone knows we've been trying to have another baby and if you read my blog you know that so far we have not been successful. And if you've ever been on the unsuccessful baby making train you know it can get a little crazy tracking when you ovulate (toot, toot) and when you do the deed (woo, woo). It can be a little tiring and sort of takes the fun out everything. We already have our train tickets purchased for next week. All aboard...next stop baby town!

Last month I saw a show on Lifetime about, well, let's just call it the Seven Days of Falafel. It's tracks 2 couples who are struggling in their relationship over 7 days and their goal is to make falafel every day and then see how their relationship is at the end of the 7 days. Sadly, the one episode I watched I recognized the female from another reality tv show (she was a former Playmate and not one of the Girls Next Door main characters and no, we weren't watching a Playboy movie and I think I just saw her in an ad for another reality show).

You now how when you're in a new relationship you want falafel all the time, 3 or 4 times a day even. You can't get enough falafel. All you think about is falafel. And sometimes you dress up to make falafel or you might have falafel in places that you normal wouldn't say like a park or the beach or the bathroom in a restaurant. Ahhh falafel.

And then you get married, and have kids, and suddenly falafel is not as important as, oh say, sleep. It's next to impossible to keep the house clean much less get all cleaned up to make falafel. Plus being covered in poo, vomit, urine, or other bodily fluids at any given point in time sort of puts a damper on any thoughts of falafel. Then there are the nights where you look at each other and one person says, "We should make falafel," and the other person says, "I'm tired. Let's have falafel tomorrow night." Poor falafel. So neglected cause you know that next night you're gonna be just as tired as tonight and both of you are just pretending that there's a snowballs chance in hell of having falafel tomorrow.

So, I saw this show and thought hmm...and so we decided to undergo the 7 days of falafel challenge. No matter what, no matter how tired, dirty, cranky, covered in poo or vomit we were there was going to be falafel.

I'll admit we did well. We were in it to win it. We even got a little crazy with our falafel making. I didn't get dressed up to make falafel at all but I'm about 8 sizes bigger than I was when we met so none of my falafel making costumes fit anymore (unless you like that stuffed sausage, open zipper, muffin top look).

I was proud of us for getting back in the game. There were nights where we were tired and it was like come on we have to make falafel, but we persevered.

And I got what the experiment was about. I started to look forward to falafel every night. I felt it brought us closer that week and made me feel a little bit more like my old self (you know the one that was sexy and had a better body and nice pre-breastfeeding boobies and didn't feel so exhausted all the freaking time).

Of course once the 7 days were over neither of us had any interest in falafel for a week. We were both like no more falafel, but that's what happens when you overindulge.

All in all I'm glad we tried the 7 days of falafel experiment. It was a great success and so easy to do. Maybe everyone should make an effort to indulge in some marathon falafel making periodically. You might be surprised at what you find out.

Happy falafeling!

Love is Ugly

I realized something today as I was crawling around wearing my husband's dirty knee pads, sweating my ass off, using a drill to screw deck board onto our new deck. Paul looked at me as brown, dirty sweat ran out from the bottom of the knee pads and said, "You've never been hotter," and he was serious.

Any relationship can have flowers, and romance, and getting gussied up for dates. Most relationships start that way. You get dressed up, you go out, you wear perfume, and your best panties, and a month or a year or more goes by and the relationship ends. It's easy in the beginning.

The real part of the relationship comes later. It's when you look at each during the ugly moments and realize you are still in love. It's funerals and farts and getting fat and being hateful with each other because it's just that day and it's staying. The ugly part is staying together no matter what life throws at you, no matter how bratty you might act, through tears and laughter, and realizing that you aren't that sexy 20 something anymore. And if you or your spouse thinks someone else is hot, it's being secure enough in your relationship to know that no matter how hot someone is your spouse isn't going to stray. And you don't stray because you know the grass isn't greener and your yard is pretty darn nice.

It's knowing as your crawl around in the hot sun, screwing on deck board, that your husband thinks your amazing. It's looking at your husband, who has spent every available hour on the weekends and after work for the last 2 weeks building a new deck, and thinking he's the most incredible husband ever.

Yup, anyone can have flowers. Not many people are lucky enough to get to the ugly parts.

Sleep Apnea

Oh lordy. I remember my former father in law being diagnosed with sleep apnea and having to wear one of those scuba mask things and I remember thinking how can you sleep with that thing????

So, my snoring has been out of control since Paul has been home from Afghanistan. And when I mean out of control I mean I stayed in ATL with my friend Emily who wears ear plugs every night and she could HEAR me snoring with the ear plugs IN HER EARS!

I finally went to see my doctor who referred me to a sleep clinic for a sleep study, but I can't go in for the consultation until May 15th. But I found a list of sleep apnea symptoms. Lets just review them and see what applies to me.





Loud snoring: Check and double check

Always tired: Check

Waking with headaches: at least 4 times a week

Waking with a choking sensation: Occasionally, but I attribute that more to acid reflux (ya know cause I went to medical school and all)

Excessive sweating at night: Um sheet soaking, am I going through menopause yes

Waking with dry mouth: Every day

And check check check to every single thing in the next column. Sigh. I don't wanna wear a scuba mask to bed!!! Nothing says sexy like a big ole apnea machine.

Last night was rough apparently. Paul woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me I was snoring. I was laying on my back, rolled to my side, fell back asleep, and immediately started snoring again so he woke me again to tell me I was snoring. So then I couldn't fall back asleep and was awake THE REST OF THE NIGHT! Holy tired. I slept from 6:35 to 7:05 and had this weird dream about moths and then felt like crap when I woke up because I was so groggy. I should've just gotten up at 5am.

So I don't know what to do. Paul shouldn't have to listen to me snoring all night and yet I get so little sleep as it is that I can't afford to be woken up because I'm snoring. Paul can't sleep with ear plugs so do we sleep in separate bedrooms until I have my sleep study???? Let me tell you (before you say how awful that sounds because we're married) that we would probably have the best nights sleep ever if we did that (because Paul occasionally wakes me up with some weird chicken clucking sound he makes when he sleeps). Maybe one night a week we'll take one for the team and sleep in separate rooms. lol

Thank God for coffee! Or I'm sure Paul is saying thank God for mountain dew! haha

Oh, and in baby news...my sweet little stinky is saying daddy now, but has yet to say mama or mommy or mom or mum or any variation of mother. Apparently she thinks I am just the slave who changes her diapers, wipes her snotty nose, and feeds her all day. I think I have a little Stewie in the making. Heaven help us.

Thanks slave for leaving this box of tissues where I can reach them!

So Big

Our day started off with a donut and coffee.  I know, I know.  But I love me some weekend Donna's Donuts coffee and donuts.  When we got home we skyped with Paul.  Poor guy usually never sees me in anything but my jammies because we skype in the morning...well, before lunch anyways.  After hearing how hot the Polish military women are maybe I should step up my game.  hehe



Skyping with Daddy (I like how they have the same smile)



Sasha & Baby Love

Our baby girl is getting so big and I just love all the new stuff she is up to!  I've been slacking on the weight loss stuff...I think my love of food and my hatred of exercise get in the way of any actual weight loss occurring.  Paul is still on The Biggest Loser: Afghanistan Edition and I had told him I was going to do yoga today and then Em fell asleep in the car and not at home so instead I took her for a walk.  Usually I put her in the car seat, put it on the stroller, and off we go. And then she usually fusses until she falls asleep.  Not very relaxing or enjoyable for either of us.  So tonight I decided to try and put her in the stroller, no car seat.

Stylin'

Hey, what's up?

Little ham loved it!  She wore her sunglasses with pride (thanks Aunt Brittney & Uncle Corey) and didn't even try to take them off (it may be because they were strapped around her head).  There was no fussing and no sleeping.  It has definitely motivated me to walk more with her because she seemed to enjoy being outdoors so much.  I even signed up for Stroller Strides today to try out a few times before we head to Florida.  I figure I'll meet some mom's in my area and get some exercise in at the same time.  And Tuesday we are going to an infant playgroup for the mom's group I joined. 

I used to make fun of the military spouses who didn't work because it seemed like I was the only spouse who had a job and now I am loving my new status as the typical military spouse...staying home, raising babies.  I never thought I'd be so traditional, but here I am.

On my walk I was thinking about what it takes to make a happy relationship and while I posted my thoughts on this in SUYL--Marriage Advice I was also thinking today that it is really about a genuine desire to put your partner or spouse first.  In return they should also put you first.  I know that putting Paul and Emma first in my life (after God) makes me happy which in turn makes me a better wife and mother.  If you are in a relationship in which  your partner puts themselves first then it's time to find a new relationship.  Unfortunately a lot of women don't think they deserve a partner who cherishes them or puts them first and so they take what they can get without a true understanding of their own worth.  I have a friend who is in a relationship like that now and it makes me sad because I think she is an awesome person and I know the guy she is with doesn't realize that and is not her true love.  He puts himself first and doesn't seem to realize what a gem he has.  I just pray for the day that she wakes up and realizes that God has someone out there who is perfect for her and breaks up with her boyfriend so that she can find that perfect person.  Her boyfriend is a nice enough guy...he is not just the guy. 

I am off to bed.  We are going to church tomorrow and yes, I double checked the time.  lol 

Social Work & God

I went to Rollins College for undergrad.  When most people in Florida, or the south, hear the words Rollins College it conjures up visions of tan 20 year olds, sunning themselves on the shores of Lake Virginia or by the pool, checking their emails no less, carrying their Louis Vuitton tote.  And yes, there were a LOT of people at Rollins like that, but there were also some real people, too.  I would say I met most of my Rollins friends when I joined Kappa Delta and the only people I keep in touch with from college are my sorority sisters.  To be fair to Rollins it is an amazingly tough school academically and is always rated #1 in the southeast.

Anyways, I majored in psychology without much thought as to what I would do once I graduated.  I had always worked at the YMCA and expected to find a job as a membership director or program director at a Y.  And I did.  And I hated it.  I didn't hate the job.  I didn't like my executive director.  So, after 6 months I quit and now was back to square one with no idea what I wanted to do with my life. 

A KD emailed me and told me the state of KY was hiring social workers and so I applied with zero expectations as to what I'd actually be doing.  And as hard as the work was, and as far removed from my life at Rollins as a job could be, I loved it.  I loved helping people and feeling I was making a positive change in other's lives.  If I stayed in Cincinnati I'd probably still be working there. 

This random job has shaped the rest of my career.  I got a Master of Social Work from the University of South Florida where I met my friend Breun who introduced me to my husband.  I got my LCSW in Florida and my LICSW in Mass.  I've met amazing people, both coworkers and clients, and my life has been touched by the hand of God in the work I've done by the people whose lives I've had the privilege of being a small part of. 

So, now I am a full time mommy and while I don't miss working full time I do miss being a social worker.  I have been thinking that when Paul gets home I'll probably need to get a per diem job at night/weekends, either running substance abuse groups or writing adoption home studies or providing counseling for Tricare. 

In the mean time this missing is what has me advocating for adoption on my FB and my blog.  It's such a small thing, but it feels like something I can do, something that will hopefully lead someone to finding their child, in being a forever family to a child in need.  I pray every night for my future children and for God to lead us to our chilren that are out there waiting for us to find them.  I pray for God to open our hearts to whatever child needs us. 

My relationship with God has not always been strong.  I've done things I'm not proud of, but I feel like I am learning and growing and becoming more content and at peace with my life with every passing day thanks to God.  I believe in the power of prayer and I am the first to ask for prayers for myself or for others.  And I'll pray for you whether you ask me to or not.  I love being around people who have a strong faith.  I think our friends from Valdosta are the best examples of God's love that I could ever hope to meet because they truly embody what it means to be Christian...they lead a life of devotion to God and yet they are not judgmental of those who don't.  They speak of their love of Christ, but they don't come across as fanatical.  Their friendship has really helped to draw me closer in my relationship with God because they are such good people and amazing friends.  Shout out to Emily, Brittney, Anne-Marie, Beth-Anne, and Erika (and their spouses, too) as well as all the others who touched our lives in the short amount of time I lived there.  And this is why I post prayer requests or links to blogs for people that have amazing relationships with God. 

Last night after crying for Tripp I was thinking about how I would give anything of myself to spare Emma any kind of pain and I suddenly got it...I understood how God feels for us and how Jesus feels for us, how God gave us his Son to save us, how Jesus loves us much like a mother loves their child.  If you haven't yet read The Shack I encourage you to read it.  It's a beautiful story about a man's relationship with God.  It is a life changing read.

The Princess Bride

Last night I took Emma to see The Princess Bride at Christopher Columbus Park in Boston.  3 years ago I never would have thought that I'd be watching a movie outdoors in Boston and it's still so weird to me that we live here, even more strange that I am here while Paul is in Afghanistan.  Of course I can only imagine how weird and surreal our friends who are living overseas must feel all the time.  I LOVE The Princess Bride (so much so that we used a quote from it on our wedding invitation and in our wedding ceremony).  Of course Emma being 5 months old was unable to appreciate it, but I can't wait to watch it with her when she's older. 

We went with some friends and it started about an hour past Emma's bedtime.  In my head she was going to fall asleep in the car and sleep through the whole movie lying next to me on the blanket.  hahahahahahaha

She cried.  She fussed.  She had a bottle.  She cried some more.  I tried to nurse her (no thank you Mom).  I finally put her in her car seat and spent an hour rocking it.  She fell asleep about 9pm and my friend Danielle made the comment that hopefully she'd sleep later in the morning since she fell asleep so late.  I didn't have the heart to tell her that was probably not likely. 

This is one of those situations where I should've trusted my instincts.  I thought about putting Emma in her jammies before we left the house and since it was a little chilly by the water I was glad I had brought an extra blanket to wrap around her.  I always worry about her being too hot or too cold.  Of course I also regretted not bringing a sweatshirt and wearing the pants I originally had on because I was freezing! 

We got home after 11pm and then I had to change Emma in to her jammies.  I nursed her foolishly hoping for a little extra sleep, but my little rooster began to crow for her boobies at 3am (like clockwork this girl is) so I got up and nursed her again.  I debated on trying to just get her back to sleep without nursing, but she let me know quite loudly that she was NOT on board with that plan.  I think she yelled at me!  She did sleep until 6:45am after that, but then she was ready to be up.  Luckily, she is content to play in my bed while I snooze on and off next to hear, but by 8am we were up and ready to go.  Soooo tired!  As soon as Paul comes home I am heading to a hotel for a night of uninterrupted sleep.  lol 

Even though she is supposed to be napping now she is talking away to her blankie in her swing.  This girl. 

I did cut off all my hair last week.

And I love it!

And Emma is now able to sit in a highchair (sort of).  Here is a pic of her at sushi.

And one of her making her old man face.

And with her buddy.

Every day I am amazed at the new things she is doing: eating her toes, blowing raspberries, rolling all over the place...it seems like she is doing something new every day. 

Hope you enjoyed!

SUYL--Marriage Advice

Kellys Korner has a weekly post called Show Us Your Life.  This weeks topic is marriage advice.  In my 20's I for sure would have said that I was NOT the person to be giving marriage advice.  My first marriage was a disaster.  Actually I was the disaster.  I was not ready to get married, I knew I wasn't ready to get married, but it was like a carousal that kept going faster and faster making it impossible to get off.  I figured I loved T enough and could make it work.  Boy, was I wrong.  A bad relationship is like drowning.  The more I felt myself go under the more I struggled and fought to remember who I was, who I wanted to be.  I didn't like the person I was in my marriage.  I wanted to be in my 20's.  My ex and I were very different.  He was very traditional.  I wasn't.  He wanted to stay home on the weekends.  I didn't.  He was ready to start a family.  I wasn't sure I would ever be ready.  Finally I made the choice to end my marriage.  As painful as that choice was to make it was more painful to remain married.  Neither of us were happy.  We both deserved better. 

Fast forward through 4 years of bad relationships and I have met Paul and am getting married again.  I was not sure when I got divorced that I would ever get to this place again.  I wasn't sure if I ever wanted to get married again.  Paul, having been divorced, felt the same way I think.  We just didn't see the need to get married until we spent a weekend with my BFF Cory and her husband Brian and their 6 month old daughter Abs.  We met them in NY over July 4th weekend to babysit Abs while they went to a wedding.  Paul and I realized on the way home that we wanted that...we wanted to be a family and we decided to get married on the next holiday weekend.

Labor Day weekend found us in Florida surrounded by a small group of family and friends, getting married on the beach by our friend Mimi.  We had a brunch afterwards and spent the rest of the day hanging out at the pool with our friends, enjoying cocktails and the sun.  It was the perfect weekend!

So what is different?  For one thing I am older and more mature.  When I turned 30 I found a certain peace in my life and I think that has made all the difference in the rest of my life.  I always encourage people to enjoy their 20's.  You grow and change so much during your 20's that I think only a rare few can navigate that time as married couples.  Most of us need that time to figure out who we are as people, much less as a spouse. 

Marriage is not about changing the fundamental things that make you who you are, but it is about learning to compromise.  Paul and I went into our relationship basically saying this is who we are, take it or leave it.  And we compromise.  Sometimes a lot.  You can't enter a relationship and not be willing to give a little.  It is not always your way.  If you aren't willing, can't, or don't want to compromise with your partner then you shouldn't be in a relationship.  Marriage is a partnership. 

Talk about the important things.  How do you feel about finances, raising children, where you want to live, family, religion, etc.  To me, those are deal breakers.  If you can't agree on those things then move on.  It's so important to be on the same page.

Learn to pick your battles.  Paul and I are not perfect by any means and we do occasionally pick at each other, push each others buttons, and get on each others nerves, but we also let go of thing very quickly.  There is nothing in our lives that is worth staying mad at each other over.  Paul knows if I say the words frying pan then its time to back off (going back to a time that he was annoying me and I told him I wanted to hit him with a frying pan).  We also get so frustrated some times that we end up laughing at each other and ourselves. 

Laughter.  We laugh all the time.  At each other, at ourselves, at our lives.  A marriage is not worth much if there's no laughter in it. 

Paul and I have already been through so many stressful things in our marriage (job loss, multiple moves, a miscarriage, a baby, medical disability) and now we are journeying through Paul's deployment to Afghanistan.  There will always be people in life who are in a better situation than you, but the flip side is that there will always be people worse off than you.  It's important to keep your life in perspective.  Put your spouse first and expect them to put you first. 

Maybe Paul and I cherish each other more because we've both been divorced.  We know how lucky we are to have found each other and we try to demonstrate that to each other every second of every day.  Marriage is work and the more work you put in the better your marriage will be.  I think an ability to be happy with yourself also leads to an ability to be happy in your marriage.  If you aren't happy or content in your own life then you won't be happy or content in your marriage. 

I don't have all the answers.  I live and learn new things every day and am constantly adjusting how I approach my marriage.  And I make sure I thank God every single day for my family--a husband that loves me and our daughter. 

How Things Change

It is amazing how quickly things change and how your priorities in life change.  In high school I was all about my friends.  In college I was all about my friends, fraternity parties, and alcohol.  In my 20's I was all about drama, bad relationships, my girlfriends, and going out on the weekends.  When I hit 30 I realized the drama had to end and I told the universe what I was looking for and Paul came into my life. 

Now there is no drama, no going out, no some wine consumption, and pure bliss. 

Today the excitement in my day was my daughter pooping.  I have never been so happy to see poop in my entire life.

Who woulda thought 10 years ago that my life would revolve around nursing and pooping?  And I never would've guessed that I could be so very very happy.

Waiting for life to change

It is hard to believe that after all the stresses Paul and I have faced in our first 2 years together that our lives in 2011 will be even more chaotic, insane, and full of change.  Life is always changing...that is inevitable, but I thought for sure the only change we'd face in 2011 would be the addition of our little Emma Grace.  I guess it's true that God laughs when you're busy making plans.  From our house falling apart to my recent heart issue to Paul's upcoming deployment...whoa...but what should seem overwhelming doesn't anymore. 

I've been so worried about something terrible happening during labor or something being wrong with Emma or Paul's deployment.  People have asked me how did I even cope with what was going on Sunday night and wasn't I worried and the answer is no.  Everything happened so quickly and I was so uncomfortable that there really wasn't time for me to be worried about anything other than Emma's health and even that, I will admit, was not at the front of my mind.  All I really worried about was breathing and making it through.   I could see the fear on Paul's face and I have no idea what my face looked like while everything was going, but it felt very surreal.  And before the moment (and by the moment I mean the 5 minutes it took to get me hooked up to all the equipment, the doctors and nurses rushing around the room, the crash cart, the medicine) and after the moment Paul and I still laughed.  We held hands and we talked about our giant turkey baby Emma and everything we've been through and we laughed. 

And since then all the changes, all the tears, all my fears and anxieties, and what not don't seem so important.  Our lives are about to change in a HUGE way.  At some point Emma will be forced out of her little home and into our big home.  She will be here and we will love her more than we already do.  Our marriage will change, hopefully for the better.  We will spend the next couple months writing our wills and getting power of attorney's drawn up and preparing for Paul's deployment.  He will travel twice for work and we will travel once for pleasure.  Emma will get bigger.  And then it'll be time to head for the airport and to say "See ya in 6 months" and "I love you" (okay, I'm a little teary eyed writing this part) and Emma and I will wave goodbye as Paul heads overseas and we'll be so proud of him!  And Emma and I will work in the garden and take lots of pictures to send her daddy and travel some more and then head down to Florida for a few months so she can meet all mommy's friends and spend time with her grandparents. 

And Paul will be serving our country.

July 4th will pass.

My birthday will pass.

Our anniversary will pass.

Thanksgiving will pass.

Paul's birthday will pass.

Christmas will pass.

Emma will be 11 months old.

And Paul will come home.

Life will change again.  And life will be good....the entire time...life is good...laughter, tears, goodbyes and hellos...time passes...seasons change...life changes, but it's good.

Monogamy or Not

I was reading a Blogher blog by Susan regarding choosing monogamy or NOT choosing monogamy.  I really enjoyed reading everyone's comments although most of the comments aired on the side of polyamory.  Polyamory is, in my definition, the practice of open love.  Certainly it seems to be a much more openly discussed topic lately appearing on sex talk shows to Dr. Phil to magazines.  I started to formulate my reply and realized it was shaping up to be a blog or maybe a mini blog. 

Having spent my 20's running away from monogamy, including an ill fated starter marriage to a great guy, I didn't anticipate meeting someone I call the love of my life at 31 years old. He, too, spent most of his 20's in 2 ill fated marriages and a variety of non-relationships. I never planned on getting remarried and was happily contemplating being single, dating, and single parenthood for the rest of my life.


But, oh when I met my husband...lightening struck, Cupid's arrow hit me square in the heart, and it was love at first sight!  I knew 30 minutes into our date that I had met "the one" and even snuck off to the bathroom to send my friend Mary a text saying, "I met the man I'm going to marry."  Mary knew this was huge because of all the guys she had known me to date I had NEVER said this before.  And my case for monogamy was cemented. 

Poor Paul...he on the other hand didn't think our date was going well and didn't think I liked him.  And we both were openly casually dating or, in my case, trying to date, other people when we started talking.  In fact, he had driven from Valdosta to Jacksonville the night before to go on a date and I had my own lunch date the afternoon that Paul drove down to meet me. 

Luckily, my lunch date was AWFUL!  First off, the guy was way late.  I was actually getting ready to leave (and we had decided to go to First Watch which I love) when I looked up to see this hot, sweaty mess standing in front of me.  No, no, no, no.  Please God no.  And he has a backpack.  I wanted to pretend I wasn't me.  Stupid internet dating (I was the worst internet dater in the history of internet daters unlike my dad who got some 785 emails on eharmony or some crap).  "Jenn?"  Yes, that's me.  Inwardly groan and want the floor to open up and suck me out of the restaurant.  You know when you are going to have zero chemistry with someone?  Take that feeling and multiply it times 1000 because your date has RIDDEN HIS BIKE to your date because his truck wouldn't start.  And then to continue in theme of awkward and bad does not choose to go to the restroom when he gets to your date to wash his face or straighten himself up.  How I didn't throw up right then and there I have no idea.  I've never eaten so fast and was happy to be on my way.  I couldn't even bring myself to offer him a ride home and although he wanted to go out again clearly it was not meant to be. 

So, my expectations for my date with Paul were low and yet when I opened the door at his arrival my first thought was, "Oh thank God."  He was delicious!  Cute, cute, cute guy.  Beautiful eyes.  Handsome man.  And I was gone, done, off the market. 

We spent the best weekend together, cramming about 5 different dates into 2 days...dinner and drinks, brunch, the Ringling Museum, and dinner.  And it was perfect.  And I can only assume Paul's Jacksonville date was not as fantastic as our date because he never went out with her or anyone else again. 

Now we're happily married, expecting our first child together, dealing with A LOT of stressors in our first years together and coming out the other side stronger and more in love.  To be fair, we get on each other's nerves and we annoy each other and sometimes we snip at each other and sometimes I am sure we want to kill each other, but every day, EVERY SINGLE DAY, I look at my husband and think about how much I love him and how blessed I am to have him and how happy I am with him.  And if in your own relationship you don't have that and you aren't married yet then run the other way.  And if you are married and you've lost that then do whatever you need to do to find it again.  Because life is too short to spend your life with someone who doesn't complement who you are as a person, who doesn't fulfill you in some fundamental way, and who doesn't make your heart sing. 

Deployment

January 27, 2011—Paul came home and asked me how much I liked being a military wife and then said he had gotten orders to deploy. I feel like I held it together pretty good (all the previous times I’d imagine hearing these words involved me in hysterical tears although I’m not going to lie and pretend I haven’t cried a little since then). Since the day we’ve met I’ve been in denial that he ever would really deploy. He’s not in a career field that typically deploys although obviously it’s always a possibility. I understood when Paul explained being in the military without deploying is like being a firefighter without ever fighting a fire. But still I continued to believe he wouldn’t deploy even while feeling selfish because if Paul doesn’t deploy it means someone else’s loved one does.


I know that we are not the only family going through this. Our good friends in Japan are facing a deployment and another Captain in Paul’s office is deploying at the same time he is (and she has a 14 week old baby and an older child). Other families have faced much longer and riskier deployments. I get that.

Our friend Chelsea in Japan updated her blog the other day to reflect what she is going to work on while her hubby is deployed. I thought it was a great blog and a great idea. There are so many things I could accomplish while Paul is away. Of course I’ve said that during any period of unemployment in my life, but this time I really will need positive things to occupy my thoughts and times.

1. Get in shape and lose the baby weight! Paul and I want to do a tropical family vacation when he gets back and I want to look sexy in a bikini for once in my life. I tend to overeat when stressed or depressed and I do not want Paul to come home to a chub a lub. Although I know he’d love me either way I am tired of feeling overweight and unhealthy.

2. Garden, garden, garden. I learned a lot from the garden I had last summer and I’d like to make some changes in how I plant things and also enjoy my garden since last summer I was prego and had morning sickness. I also need to work on our landscaping.

3. Organize and par down our possessions. We have so much stuff and as much as I’ve given away to Salvation Army I am sure I can get even more organized.

4. Paint our bedroom. The color is nice, but it ended up being a lot pinker than I thought it would be.

5. Learn how to be a good mom. Take lots of pictures of Emma for Paul. Keep her safe and healthy. Make a scrapbook of her first year. Take videos.

6. Visit friends. Plan a good traveling schedule and some quality time with my closest friends. Grand Island, Huntsville, Cincinnati, Valdosta are some of the places I’d like to visit.

7. Take Emma to see my aunt and uncle in Amelia Island. I love that place!

8. Write to Paul every day. Skype as much as possible with Paul even if I have to get up in the middle of the night to do so.

9. Enjoy spending time with my family in Florida.

10. Go to church. Strengthen my relationship with God.

I know I’ve said this before, but I never really understood all that military families go through until I married someone in the military. As exciting as I think moving is and as much as I enjoy all our new adventures, it is a constant saying goodbye. For military wives it is always looking for a new job. For children, it’s new schools and new friends. And for those who deal with frequent deployments, it is constant worry and anxiety. At the same time, it is new friends, new experiences, and adding to your military family. The best part of the military is the sense of family that comes when you meet the friends you become close to at a base. It’s knowing that you have someone to rely on when your spouse is out of town. Its comfort for your spouse knowing someone is there to take care of you if you need. It is heartache, but it is also blessings.

Paul’s deployment still doesn’t feel real to me though. I don’t think it will actually feel real until he is boarding that plane, but at least I know we have a loving support system around us to get us through.

Girlfriends

Now is the time of my life that I miss my girlfriends the most.  I miss the sweetness that comes from spending time with someone who has known you your whole life...the good, the bad, and the ugly.  I miss the quietness that comes in the middle of the night when you just need to call your girlfriend for a good cry...over the guy who broke your heart or the one who didn't or for no reason at all.  I miss the hysterical laughter that comes with wine, coffee, chocolate, and everything in between while you watch movies, go to dinner, sit at the beach, swim topless in the pool (Cory, Katie, and Jen know what I'm talking about) while eating fruit salad when you're supposed to be at school.  I miss lazy days at the beach in a sun/sand coma lying next to each other....no words necessary...unless a guy in a banana hammock walks by.  I miss slumber parties with silly videotaped interviews and scary movies and junk food and later on beer (and pepsi).  I miss the uncomplicatedness of life that happens when you're with a girlfriend.

It was so easy in high school to spend time with your girlfriends.  You all lived in the same place, went to school together every day, hung out on the weekends and after school.  And then college came.  Everyone headed off in separate directions and separate lives and spending time with your girlfriends got a little more challenging.  Now instead of hopping in the car and driving 5 minutes up the road to pick up your bestie you might have to drive 5 hours up the road or hop on a plane.  Planning was required, but it made the reunions all the sweeter.  Separation only cemented the friendship you have and you started to gain a fragile understanding that friendship is precious and time is short.

Then college was over.  Now the hard work really begins.  Girlfriends moved and got married and had babies, or didn't.  New friends were made and those new friends were just as special and as valuable as the ones made in elementary school, high school, and college.  Life begins passing by at an alarmingly fast rate and due to jobs those weekend trips become harder and harder to plan and commit to.  Life interferes in friendships or it can if you let it.  Even finding time to make a catch up phone call can take an extraordinary amount of planning...when are you off work, when are the kids asleep, when is the husband not around so you can gossip about the men you married and how you love them and how they irritate you and how good your sex life is. 

But through all this craziness, through all this life one thing always remains...those girlfriends, your true true girlfriends....you can always make that middle of the night phone call, there is always wine to be drank and chocolate to be eaten, and tears to cry, and laughter.  That never changes.  And you can always tell a true girlfriend by how quickly time rewinds when you're together.  Suddenly you aren't in your 30's anymore with umpteen kids and mortgages and stress...you're 13 again or 18 or 25 and it's like no time has passed at all between when you last spoke much less saw each other. 

If I could have one wish this is what I would wish for...a weekend filled with girlfriends.  I'd gather up all my girlfriends, our kids, husbands, pets and we'd all spend the weekend at a huge lake house.   The girlfriends would sit in Adirondack chairs, drinking wine, and laughing as we watch our poor hapless husbands chase kids around the sand and water.  We'd let the kids and spouses sleep in while we ate eat carb heavy breakfasts and drank coffee with our feet tucked under us as we watched the morning mist rising on the lake.  We'd have serious talks and cry a little.  We'd grill out hot dogs and hamburgers for lunch and grill fresh caught fish for dinner.  There'd be swimming and lounging in the lake on those rafts you blow up yourself that cost 99 cents at the store.  There'd be lazy naps in hammocks and in blankets in the grass.  Kids would run barefoot all weekend while family dogs chased them.  There'd be lots of picture taking and lots of hugging.  Nightime would be early to bed for kids while the grown ups sat around the bon fire drinking wine and beer and eating smores...except we wouldn't be grown ups...we'd be 13 or 18 or 25 again.  And just for a weekend we could forget all the hard stuff that waited for us back home.  And everyone would leave at the end of the weekend walking a little taller, smiling a little broader, inhaling a little deeper, relaxed, refreshed, and with the kinds of memories that make you ready to come back and do it all again next year.  That is my idea of heaven of earth.  

January 3rd

We are 3 days in to 2011 and I feel like I should have something profound to say.  I've read all these blogs about what people have learned in 2010 and how they've grown and changed.  I am not sure my life has changed in that many profound ways. 

I guess if I had to pick 2 things I would focus on:

1) My marriage.  Although my first husband is undoubtedly a good guy I never felt for him like I do for Paul.  I was finally able to see what people meant when they talk about the honeymoon period and how great the first year of marriage is.  Since Paul always falls asleep before I do I've had a lot of changes to glance over and look at him and my heart surges with love every time (he's so cute when he's sleeping--you can't even imagine!).  I pray that God continues to bless our marriage and our lives together and that we are as happy in 10 years or 100 years as we have been this 1st year.  Paul has proven himself to be a man of worth.  He has stood by my side as we grieved the loss of our first child and he has stood by my side as we soldiered through bedrest and an incompetent cervix.  He has stepped up to the plate in all ways and although we do get annoyed with each other from time to time it is nice to know that the love we have for each other is incredibly strong.  I feel like there isn't anything we couldn't overcome together and truly we have already been through most of the top marriage stressors out there (moving, buying a house, miscarriage, losing a pet, losing a job, losing a job, losing a job--rough years to be a social worker!) and have come out the other side relatively unscathed. 

2) Parenthood.  We were devastated when we lost our first little one early on in the pregnancy at the beginning of 2010.  I feel blessed that our loss did happen so early in the pregnancy.  We grieved together.  I drank lots of wine and time moved on.  Eventually we got pregnant again and here we are...8 months pregnant, almost 8 1/2 months and about to have our first little girl.  It is hard to believe how much our lives changed in 2010 and that 2011 is going to bring even more changes.  It is scary and surreal and unnerving. 

3) God.  Although I don't go to church on a regular basis and I wish I could be more faithful in attending church I do believe in God.  I pray every night and feel so blessed to have so many friends with such strong faith.  They inspire me to be a better person on a daily basis and I feel like God has brought so many people into my life for a reason.  I miss them every day and look forward to reading their blogs (hint hint get to it people).  And I've also found amazing inspiration reading about the lives of others and how God has impacted their lives.  I wonder all the time about the resiliency of some and the difficulty others have and have come to the decision that it comes down to Faith and attitude. 

Hey, I guess those are 3 things and they are pretty profound.  I sit here while Emma squirms around in my belly and think about all the things I need to be doing and I am content.  I got a lot accomplished on my to do list today (yay for a little less procrastinating).  It seems to be that the biggest theme of my 2010 has been blessings.  I've noticed I use that word a lot and I am truly thankful for that!

NYE

It makes me laugh to think back on past NYE...most of the time I am content and happy to have people over to our house for NYE. Mostly because I can drink and not worry about driving anywhere. lol Last NYE was our first in Boston and we determined that it was too cold to go to First Night downtown. We were asleep by 11:30pm. This NYE we went to the grocery, are making dinner at home, watching bowl games, and probably will be asleep by 11:30pm.

A couple years ago we had NYE at our house in Valdosta with our friends Emily and Clay. I attempted to make strawberry martinis a la The Cheesecake Factory; however, just guessed as to how they made theirs and ended up with Em and I drinking glasses of slightly strawberry flavored vodka. I also may have farted when we were playing Wii. (I'm nothing if not classy)
Another year I spent NYE with my friend Mary, my ex Billy who was at that time Mary's boyfriend, and my sister out on Siesta Key in Sarasota. There is nothing more depressing than being a 3rd wheel with your friend and her boyfriend when her boyfriend had been your boyfriend. Luckily he and I were still good friends at that time and we all had a good time.

Those are really the only 2 NYE I can recall. When we were growing up we always spent NYE watching the ball drop with our dad, but as an adult nothing really stands out for me. I guess I have always been boring. lol
I don't really do resolutions, mostly because I never keep them. Heck, I've resolved to lose weight for the past 15 years and I weigh the most I've ever weighed (even not counting being pregnant).

I guess if I was going to to put in writing the things I would like to change in 2011 I'd have to say:

1) Learn how to be a good mom. Demonstrate patience and love in all situations. Always let Paul know how much he means to me and not to let him get pushed aside as I grow into being a mother.

2) Stand up to my parents, mostly my mom. I know she will have some strong opinions as to what we should be doing to raise our child, but I need to let her know that she is the grandma and I am the mom. She will be a great grandma.

3) Run a more successful household. Since I won't be working I need to be on the ball with cooking, cleaning, etc. The end of 2010 has put us in such a weird space with me being on bedrest, Paul assuming all of the household chores, and what not. I need to find my groove in 2011. I never thought I'd be excited to be a 1950's military housewife, but I am.

4) Garden, garden, garden! I did not flowers this year and was only able to work in my vegetable garden the first part of the summer. Our yard looked like crap all summer and this is just not acceptable to me. I want to enjoy working outside. When I lived in FL most weekends I was up early working in my yard (you had to get out early before the temp got to 150 degrees). I really enjoyed it and I am not sure why I stopped.

5) Be a better friend. I feel so blessed in the support and love that I've gotten from my friends through out my pregnancy that I want to be a better friend to others.

6) Make healthier food choices. Eat more fruits and vegetables. Learn to make my own baby food.

7) Exercise. I don't want to teach Emma that it's okay to be fat and lazy. I want her to have a healthy lifestyle and the only way I can do that is to lead by example. I want us to go for regular walks and I want to lose weight as a result of eating healthier and moving more.

8) Stop procrastinating. Paul and I are horrible procrastinators.

9) Find some kind of work that I can do from home that I love.  Finally apply to FSU for some professional certification programs (see #8). 

10) Learn how to turn off these stupid hot key/shortcuts on my computer!  They drive me crazy!

11) Give back to society even if its in a small way. 

12) Be a positive example to others.

I hope everyone has a safe NYE and a blessed 2011.  I hope people focus on the things they have to be grateful for and stop putting negative energy into the world (myself included).  And I hope the Noles have a great 2011 season!  haha

Love to all!

Gratitude in grief

“Happiness is the greatest paradox of nature.  It can grow in any soil, live under any conditions.  It defies environment.  It comes from within; it is the revelation of the depths of the inner life as light and heat proclaim the sun from which they radiate.  Happiness consists not of having, but of being; not of possessing, but of enjoying.  A martyr at the stake may have happiness that a king on his throne might envy.  Man is the creator of his own happiness; it is the aroma of a life lived in harmony with high ideals.  For what a man has, he may be dependent on others; what he is rests with him alone.  Happiness is the soul’s joy in the possession of the intangible.  It is the warm glow of a heart at peace with itself.” 

I read this quote in a book (The Summer Kitchen) and it has really stuck with me.  I know so many people who seem to be stuck in a rut of sadness.  Their focus is on the losses they've experienced in life or the changes their lives have undergone and they can't move on from that.  Grief, loss, death are a part of the life cycle.  As hard as it is to say goodbye and to let go of those we love we have no other choice.  That is the world we signed up for.  That is "life" as we know it.  When you stay focused on the negative you miss out on all the wonderful things happening in the world.  Perhaps I am being naive for choosing to see the world through rose colored glasses, but perhaps I just refuse to contribute any more negativity to the world.  Our world is negative enough as is without me adding to that.  And it frustrates me to hear people portray themselves as needing to be pitied all the time, to be so locked into the negativity that they allow to consume their lives.  You live that way if you choose to live that way. 

I have wondered what I have done to be so blessed with my friends and family.  I cannot stop thinking about the love I felt during my pregnancy and how blessed I have been by the people who have sent items for Emma.  She, for sure, is going to be a much loved little girl and I can't wait to share her with all our loved ones.  I can't wait to pass along items to my next friend to get pregnant (or perhaps my sister some day--hint, hint--get on it Karin).

Being pregnant (31 weeks today) and counting down the days until our little one gets here I've spent many nights wondering how I would deal if, God forbid, Emma was stillborn or died of SIDS or any of the other worries parents go through.  Would I be able to recover from that loss? 

And being on bedrest I spend a lot of time reading other people's blogs.  Strangers I don't know whose lives have provided me with joy and sorrow.  And it amazes me the gratitude and joy that people can feel in the face of overwhelming loss.  From a parent who has lost their child born too soon to survive to a parent who has a lost a child born too sick to survive past 5 years of age to a parent who has suddenly lost one of their twin toddlers just before Christmas....all these blogs I have read have had one common theme...through their seemingly insurmountable grief these families have relied on their faith in God to help them face their loss with gratitude and even joy for the time they got to spend with their little one.   

I read a blog today written by a mother of 20 month old twins.  On December 9th one of her twins died suddenly in her sleep.  I cannot imagine the grief this family must feel and yet this mother chose to write her blog today about gratitude....the gratitude she feels for her pastor and church family; for the person who paid for her daughter's funeral service; for the 700 people who came to celebrate their daughter's life; for the 20 months she got to spend with her child; for their friends who came to visit; for their friends who cleaned up the house they have for sale; for the person who put a new roof on their house; for the pictures and videos they have of their children; and she said this, "My prayer for you is that you will love your babies every day, you will kiss them every day, you will hug them every day and you will cherish every minute you spend with them. I think back to the last day i spent with Evie. She wanted me to hold her and i was frustrated because i had so much christmas shopping, wrapping and cleaning to do. Did that matter, not one bit. I gave her a bath, put her pjs on, we read a book, i laid her in her bed and kissed her. If i had only known that would be the last time. You never know when something will be your last."  She said she can feel God's grace upon her and that she looks forward to the day when she can be with her two daughters (I believe she had previously lost another child at birth--both daughters she lost have the middle name Grace).

And she ended the blog with these words, "May God bless you as much as he has blessed me." 

If this mother can face her life with gratitude during a time of terrible loss then surely we can look to the blessings bestowed upon us with the same grace and gratitude.  

So I will leave you with her words, "May God bless you as much as he has blessed me."   

The reality of being 30, single, and childless

I don't really consider myself alone. I have a ton of great friends and my family and something else, but...

I went and saw the movie "Juno" tonight. It was hysterical and yet at the same time it left me feeling very depressed. Not depressed over the movie, but depressed over the fact that I spend 5 days a week listening to 15 year old teenage mothers asking me why I'm not married and why I don't have any babies. I see babies 5 days a week. I hold babies 5 days a week. And I still am no closer to having my own babies.

And right now I honestly would rather have a baby than be in a relationship and I'm contemplating the fact that when I turn 31 and if I still feel strongly about having a baby then I might just go ahead and have a baby. I own a home, I have a good job, I'm financially secure (as much as anyone can be), and I really want to be a mom. Down to the deepest parts of my bones I want to be a mom.

And whether or not you want to have kids is a deal breaker for me because at this point I would not date a guy who didn't want to have kids someday. But I'm involved with a guy who I'm not sure is someone I even want to date seriously, much less get married and have kids with. He is a terrific person, but I don't know that he is for me. And it's funny because I somehow always end up with these guys that I don't really think are great catches, and yet women LOVE them. Or they love other women. But we somehow can never get it together. And the one person I thought I would spend my life with is in love with someone else. So, here I am.

And it's ironic because I spent my 20's thinking I NEVER wanted to have kids and it was part of the reason I got divorced and now....

I'm 30, I'm ready to have a baby, and...it's not a possibility. And I wonder if I'm even able to have kids because I've never even had so much as a pregnancy scare. Not even once.

And if one person tells me to be patient or that it will happen when it's time or whatever other bullshit people say then seriously I will kill you because I don't want to hear it. When you have 11 friends who gave birth in 2007 and 3 more friends giving birth in 2008 (some of whom were part of the 2007 crowd) then we will talk.

And even though I would like to believe in that fairytale of meeting someone, falling in love, and having children together...I just don't want to wake up one day and be 40 years old, single, and with no children. It feels like a risk I'm not willing to take.

So, it seems there are many decisions to be made in 2008.

New relationships

New relationships are scary. Even scarier when you are trying to figure things out over a long distance. Not only figure things out, but figure each other out. It is hard for me to relax and go with the flow of things...not just in relationships, but usually in life in general. I like things to be defined. I like things that I can be in control of. I think that is why I'm a good...no, an excellent social worker because I am perfectly comfortably stepping into people's lives (even strangers) and telling them what they need to do to be better students, better parents, better citizens, etc. I love giving advice and I will give advice to anyone whether they ask for it or not (right, Ryan?). Of course, this advice giving could be one of my more obnoxious qualities and I can recognize that. It's just that I am so good at it. My own life may be a chaotic, uncontrollable, mess; but I'll tell you the exact steps you need to take to fix things in your own life. I just am no good at taking my own advice. I think I give off an advice giving vibe, too, because random people always approach me and instantly share the most bizarre, personal information. I don't even have to ask. It's a gift and a curse, I tell ya.

But the relationship thing....that one gets me everytime. And I wasn't always this crazy, neurotic, paranoid person. I can remember having a very successful long distance relationship my senior year of college and not really worrying about what he was doing or who he was with. I even moved to OH to be with this guy when I graduated (of course we broke up two months after I got there, but at least I found a career out of it and I have no regrets about moving). And then my marriage...great husband, awful wife. And I almost believe that I've been suffering karmic retribution ever since I chose to get divorced b/c my ex is happily remarried and I've had nothing, but crap since. Until now. I am trying to keep all my bullshit in check, be honest about my feelings, and let go and relax. I don't need to be in control. I will not harbor unhealthy thoughts anymore. And finally instead of expecting the worst to happen (because I found it often does if you expect it), I am going to expect the best (and whether that best means we end up happily ever after or just as great friends so be it).

I really have been focusing on the spiritual and utilizing my trust in the universe (aka God) to know that things in my life are going exactly as they are meant to be.

So, here I am. It's 2008 and I am 30 years old. And I have a hell of a lot to look forward to this year! Yea!!!

Monogamy

have somehow gotten sucked into this Lifetime movie about a woman who becomes unlikely friends with her exhusband's mistress (seriously that is what the description says) with the even stranger title "All the Good Ones are Taken." So, now I have to watch to find out what the hell the title has to do with the description.
But it has got me thinking about cheating and people who cheat. When I was younger (high school and especially college) cheating seemed the norm. I know very few people who were truly monogamous during those times.
But now...cheating seems unacceptable. If I am dating someone and he feels the need to have sex with someone else, kiss someone else, ask another girl for her phone number, give his number to another girl, talk to another girl in the middle of the night then just break up with me. Because if a guy has those needs then I am clearly not the girl he needs for whatever reason. And if I feel that need then I shall do the same.
I know Europeans accept infidelity as more of a natural part of life. But Europeans also keep their infidelity to themselves. Unlike Americans who are overcome with guilt and feel the need to tell on themselves.
But we aren't European and I don't want to hear you cheated on me because you feel guilty about it. Just don't cheat or just end things with me first. That is all I ask.
FYI...my affirmation has been working overtime. I will not harbor unhealthy thoughts anymore. I will not harbor unhealthy thoughts anymore. I will not harbor unhealthy thoughts anymore.
I think I've been home sick too many days with too little outside interaction. Too much time to think.