New relationships

New relationships are scary. Even scarier when you are trying to figure things out over a long distance. Not only figure things out, but figure each other out. It is hard for me to relax and go with the flow of things...not just in relationships, but usually in life in general. I like things to be defined. I like things that I can be in control of. I think that is why I'm a good...no, an excellent social worker because I am perfectly comfortably stepping into people's lives (even strangers) and telling them what they need to do to be better students, better parents, better citizens, etc. I love giving advice and I will give advice to anyone whether they ask for it or not (right, Ryan?). Of course, this advice giving could be one of my more obnoxious qualities and I can recognize that. It's just that I am so good at it. My own life may be a chaotic, uncontrollable, mess; but I'll tell you the exact steps you need to take to fix things in your own life. I just am no good at taking my own advice. I think I give off an advice giving vibe, too, because random people always approach me and instantly share the most bizarre, personal information. I don't even have to ask. It's a gift and a curse, I tell ya.

But the relationship thing....that one gets me everytime. And I wasn't always this crazy, neurotic, paranoid person. I can remember having a very successful long distance relationship my senior year of college and not really worrying about what he was doing or who he was with. I even moved to OH to be with this guy when I graduated (of course we broke up two months after I got there, but at least I found a career out of it and I have no regrets about moving). And then my marriage...great husband, awful wife. And I almost believe that I've been suffering karmic retribution ever since I chose to get divorced b/c my ex is happily remarried and I've had nothing, but crap since. Until now. I am trying to keep all my bullshit in check, be honest about my feelings, and let go and relax. I don't need to be in control. I will not harbor unhealthy thoughts anymore. And finally instead of expecting the worst to happen (because I found it often does if you expect it), I am going to expect the best (and whether that best means we end up happily ever after or just as great friends so be it).

I really have been focusing on the spiritual and utilizing my trust in the universe (aka God) to know that things in my life are going exactly as they are meant to be.

So, here I am. It's 2008 and I am 30 years old. And I have a hell of a lot to look forward to this year! Yea!!!