TLC has a show called Extreme Cheapskate. We don't have cable right now so we watched about 25 episodes of this show on Netflix the other day. The Learning Channel did it's job. I learned something about being a cheapskate. All the extreme cheapskates have many quirks in common. I'm now going to teach you how to become an extreme cheapskate.
1) Being a cheapskate means you have to forgo toilet paper. Toilet paper is a waste of money. That's right...a waste of money! Now how you can deal with your bodily wastes varies. One woman chose to pee into an apple juice bottle, which she kept next to the toilet, which she then used in her composting. Several people chose to use just soap and water.
2) You can't flush the toilet. You can save your shower water and then use that to flush the toilet. Apparently you can save 30 whole dollars a year this way. You can also just flush the toilet once per week.
3) You have to wear the same clothes that you bought in 1983. Don't worry about the elastic being stretched out. You just get yourself a binder clip and use that to hold your shorts up. Don't worry about your clothes matching either. They won't. Plan on going to thrift stores that sell clothes to raise money for their charity and offering to pay way less than the $5 price tag. Act surprised when they don't accept your offer.
4) You have to eat food out of dumpsters. It's called dumpster diving. Wear gloves. Just ignore those bugs. You can wash that shit off. Just remember to dress up like a homeless person so that grocery stores are less likely to chase you off. It's easy to do since all your clothes from 1983 now have holes in them.
5) You cannot use your appliances for their stated purpose. One woman thought paying $17 a month for gas was a waste of money so she bought a 2 burner electric stove to cook her dumpster dive food. This way you can use your appliances for storage. And the dishwasher can also double as a washing machine. Just throw your clothes in with the 2 dishes you have.
6) You cannot buy furniture. Dumpster dive is the way to go. One woman furnished her entire apartment in NYC with furniture she had gotten from dumpsters.
7) You have to have a very low sense of personal cleanliness. Showering and washing clothes separately wastes a ton of money so you wear your clothes into the shower, soap them up, and then hang them up to dry. You can make your own deodorant out of corn starch and coconut oil or you can use corn starch to cover your entire body to keep cool (sort of like how an elephant uses dirt) because you can't have air conditioning.
8) You cannot pay for things. Any things. You may be a millionaire, but you never get to enjoy your money because you are cheap.
9) You have to be able to forage for your own salad fixings from local parks and your backyard. You may not find lettuce, but you'll find at least 3 other edible weeds to mix together. Wash the animal pee off and you have a fantastic salad.
10) If someone offers you a free place to live or stay you take it. It doesn't matter if it's a mattress under a bridge, if it's free then you are sleeping or living there. Ignore the asbestos walls, lead paint, or 1960's decor. Cheapskates can't be choosy.
11) You have to border on being a hoarder and you can't clean or organize anything in your house.
12) Hang a clothes line up in your house. Use it to dry paper towels so you can reuse them, hang up dental floss to reuse, reuse coffee grounds/tea bags 6 times, etc. A clothes line in your house is a versatile place to store things.
13) You have to let go of any sense of personal pride or self respect. People will think you are weird and/or crazy or both what with your 1983 clothes with the holes in them and your lack of showering. That's okay. They don't appreciate any of what I've said above. You won't have to worry about it for long because eventually you won't have any friends. People tend not to come over for dinner when they know you'll be serving dumpster dive food. More for you that way! Plus then you don't have to listen to complaints about how hot your house is from your lack of air conditioning.
And remember...free is the way to be!
Showing posts with label reality tv. Show all posts
Showing posts with label reality tv. Show all posts
Saturday, December 7, 2013
Monday, October 7, 2013
WTF Hannah Montana
And if you are still reading and haven't jumped out the highest floor you have in your house to get those images out of your head then check this out http://www.buzzfeed.com/mjs538/what-miley-cyrus-was-trying-to-do-at-the-vmas-vs-what-miley.
Oh, Miley. You are the train wreck we can't stop watching. I sort of wish a wrecking ball would hit me in the head though so I can get the images of your video out of my head.
Tuesday, August 14, 2012
Shark Week
Have y'all been watching Shark Week? I wait for it every year sort of like waiting for the Great Pumpkin and then when I watch it I have nightmares for weeks afterwards and won't swim in the ocean for months. Luckily I live in Mass where you have to pay $25 to park at a "beach" which is mostly comprised of rocks. People from Florida are beach spoiled I'll tell you what.
Anyways, we watched the start of Shark Week the other night in the hospital and I had some observations I'd like to share.
First off, did y'all see the first show? I think it was called Air Jaws Two or something. Let's talk about some things here. Basically this team of film makers and scientists went to photograph great white sharks breaching the water during seal hunting/feeding. They did this last year and apparently had to top the shots they got last year (which they got from putting a camera on top of a seal decoy). Their solution was to build a tiny little inflatable raft on top of which a person lays down with a camera so they are almost at water level. Behind this tiny inflatable raft they tow a seal decoy. I wonder if they drew short straws or odd man out or just hey, we don't like you so we're putting you in shark's way to pick that sucker.
So, they are going along and from what I could gather this man has spent the entire day laying on this tiny inflatable raft (how did he pee?) towing the seal and waiting for a shark. At the very end of the day the shark known as Colossus finally takes the bait so to speak and jumps out of the water.
How pissed do you think Colossus was to realize he'd been screwed out of a tasty seal dinner? Who do you think he's going to blame when he realizes it? Um, how about the crazy guy on the tiny inflatable raft.
Then I thought how are they going to top this next year? Paul and I discussed this at length and realized the answer is obvious. They are going to have to build a steel cage inside a seal carcass and then a man is going to have to get inside it to wait for the shark to attack so they can get the shot. I mean what other choices do they have at this point?
I really feel these shark people are crazy. I'm all about saving the sharks and exploration of the seas and what not, but the only way I'd ever get in the water with sharks is if you threw my dead body off a boat.
What's your favorite part of Shark Week?
Anyways, we watched the start of Shark Week the other night in the hospital and I had some observations I'd like to share.
First off, did y'all see the first show? I think it was called Air Jaws Two or something. Let's talk about some things here. Basically this team of film makers and scientists went to photograph great white sharks breaching the water during seal hunting/feeding. They did this last year and apparently had to top the shots they got last year (which they got from putting a camera on top of a seal decoy). Their solution was to build a tiny little inflatable raft on top of which a person lays down with a camera so they are almost at water level. Behind this tiny inflatable raft they tow a seal decoy. I wonder if they drew short straws or odd man out or just hey, we don't like you so we're putting you in shark's way to pick that sucker.
So, they are going along and from what I could gather this man has spent the entire day laying on this tiny inflatable raft (how did he pee?) towing the seal and waiting for a shark. At the very end of the day the shark known as Colossus finally takes the bait so to speak and jumps out of the water.
How pissed do you think Colossus was to realize he'd been screwed out of a tasty seal dinner? Who do you think he's going to blame when he realizes it? Um, how about the crazy guy on the tiny inflatable raft.
Then I thought how are they going to top this next year? Paul and I discussed this at length and realized the answer is obvious. They are going to have to build a steel cage inside a seal carcass and then a man is going to have to get inside it to wait for the shark to attack so they can get the shot. I mean what other choices do they have at this point?
I really feel these shark people are crazy. I'm all about saving the sharks and exploration of the seas and what not, but the only way I'd ever get in the water with sharks is if you threw my dead body off a boat.
What's your favorite part of Shark Week?
Friday, August 10, 2012
The Real World
I have reached a new low in my reality television watching. There is a ton of stuff I should/could be doing, but instead I am watching The Real World St. Thomas...on demand. I am probably dating myself here, but I remember when the Real World originally came on...you know, back when MTV actually played music videos and had vjays. Raise your hand if you remember those days.
So now that we are all sufficiently feeling old let's talk about The Real World.
The first Real World was broadcast in 1992...I was in high school. We can thank MTV for the reality tv show craze. Yay. Although seriously thanks MTV. Can you believe 1992 was 20 years ago???? Holy crap.
I digress. So Real World New York...Eric, Heather, Julie, Kevin, Norman, Becky, and Andre. For some reason when I think of the Real World NY I think of an episode where Julie and Heather were walking Norman's dog and the dog ran and Heather fell down.
But do you remember when the cast members had actual conversations about things that mattered like racism, and homelessness (remember when Julie sept under the bridge with the people who were homeless), and homosexuality. Do you remember how seriously gross Puck was/is??? I just threw up in my mouth a little thinking about him.
I was pretty faithful to the Real World up through 9 seasons (Hawaii was my fave..shout out to Amaya), but then it seemed it had degenerated into the show it is today and became all about hooking up and sex and drinking (much like Jersey Shore).
I think I totally could've rocked the Real World though. Of course the shows I would've been eligible to be on were London, Miami, Boston, Seattle (do you remember the crazy girl with Lupus), or Hawaii. After that I would've been out of college and too old (Mike from Jersey Shore hear this YOU ARE TOO OLD TO BE THAT SHOW, same goes to you Pauly D).
You know what show I really wish they'd bring back...Paradise Hotel. I was beyond obsessed with this show...like posting on boards obsessed.
And I now have wasted 30 minutes of my life looking up these cast members on google. Sigh. I need to get a life.
Ok, I'm turning off the tv. haha
So now that we are all sufficiently feeling old let's talk about The Real World.
The first Real World was broadcast in 1992...I was in high school. We can thank MTV for the reality tv show craze. Yay. Although seriously thanks MTV. Can you believe 1992 was 20 years ago???? Holy crap.
I digress. So Real World New York...Eric, Heather, Julie, Kevin, Norman, Becky, and Andre. For some reason when I think of the Real World NY I think of an episode where Julie and Heather were walking Norman's dog and the dog ran and Heather fell down.
But do you remember when the cast members had actual conversations about things that mattered like racism, and homelessness (remember when Julie sept under the bridge with the people who were homeless), and homosexuality. Do you remember how seriously gross Puck was/is??? I just threw up in my mouth a little thinking about him.
I was pretty faithful to the Real World up through 9 seasons (Hawaii was my fave..shout out to Amaya), but then it seemed it had degenerated into the show it is today and became all about hooking up and sex and drinking (much like Jersey Shore).
I think I totally could've rocked the Real World though. Of course the shows I would've been eligible to be on were London, Miami, Boston, Seattle (do you remember the crazy girl with Lupus), or Hawaii. After that I would've been out of college and too old (Mike from Jersey Shore hear this YOU ARE TOO OLD TO BE THAT SHOW, same goes to you Pauly D).
You know what show I really wish they'd bring back...Paradise Hotel. I was beyond obsessed with this show...like posting on boards obsessed.
And I now have wasted 30 minutes of my life looking up these cast members on google. Sigh. I need to get a life.
Ok, I'm turning off the tv. haha
Sunday, June 17, 2012
Oh You Silly Gypsies
How did we spend fathers day? Helping Paul build our new deck and watching a Big Fat American Gypsy Marathon. It's a train wreck. I can't look away.
I've decided that I need to add a romichel to my sister wife collection as they stay home and clean all day. Lord knows we could use a full time housecleaner.
But my favorite part of the one episode today was 1 wife talking about her love of bleach and then she said that we shouldn't spend $600 to get our teeth whitened, but we should just get us a $2 bottle of bleach and use that as she POURED BLEACH ON HER TOOTHBRUSH AND PROCEEDED TO BRUSH HER TEETH!!!! Are you kidding me??? TLC clarified for us that she chose to ignore the warning label saying not to use it in that way. Thanks TLC. If you hadn't said that I was gonna rush right in and bleach my teeth!
I can tell you 1 thing... No way in hell would I allow Emma to get married at 17 or 18 years old to some guy she's known a month.
I pretty much spend each episode shaking my head and saying "no, no, no, no, no."
No, no, no, no, no.
I've decided that I need to add a romichel to my sister wife collection as they stay home and clean all day. Lord knows we could use a full time housecleaner.
But my favorite part of the one episode today was 1 wife talking about her love of bleach and then she said that we shouldn't spend $600 to get our teeth whitened, but we should just get us a $2 bottle of bleach and use that as she POURED BLEACH ON HER TOOTHBRUSH AND PROCEEDED TO BRUSH HER TEETH!!!! Are you kidding me??? TLC clarified for us that she chose to ignore the warning label saying not to use it in that way. Thanks TLC. If you hadn't said that I was gonna rush right in and bleach my teeth!
I can tell you 1 thing... No way in hell would I allow Emma to get married at 17 or 18 years old to some guy she's known a month.
I pretty much spend each episode shaking my head and saying "no, no, no, no, no."
No, no, no, no, no.
Monday, June 11, 2012
Some Questions About Gypsies
Have y'all ever seen My Big Fat Gypsy Wedding on TLC? If you thought Jersey Shore was trashy then ya need to watch this show. It makes Jersey Shore look like a family sitcom.
For example, I don't think the previews of Jersey Shore ever has included the phrase "A gypsy bride commits to her cousin in holy matrimony." I know! Pick your jaw up off the floor cause Annie's not committing to just any cousin...she's committing to her first cousin which I thought was illegal in this country. Hey what's a little inbreeding and genetic abnormalities among family, right? Oh, apparently in W VA it is illegal for 1st cousins to marry, but not in VA. Really VA? Really? You're gonna let W VA best you on that? Hey Annie I'm pretty sure "beautifulest" is not a word.
So it's ok to marry a cousin but NOT ok to live together before marriage?
Now I may not be the best dresser in the world, but I feel I'm pretty average. Good days and bad days and all that. But why, if you are a gypsy, are you required to dress like an off duty stripper? No one needs to see your chuckie or your muffin top. I'm pretty sure the romichal women get style tips from Snookie and J Woww. Its almost as if the gypsies intentionally try to make themselves look bad.
Keep in mind TLC is the same channel that brings us What Not To Wear. You'd think TLC would hook the gypsies up with Stacy and Clinton.
Why, if you are a gypsy, must you have BAD teeth? You can afford for the wife to stay home and not work, but no one can afford to see a dentist?
What if you're a lesbian gypsy couple? How do you decide who works and who stays home?
How is there enough business for a woman in Boston to cater to making ugly gypsy dresses? And in Boston. That makes me sad for Boston.
Why do all gypsies live in trailers? Not that there is anything wrong with living in a trailer cause there are some dang nice trailers. I was just curious.
How do they afford these giant weddings?
Now I am totally ignorant on gypsy history, but from watching this show I've learned that being a gypsy is the same as being black before the Civil War or Jewish in Germany while Hitler reigned. You learn something new every day. And who in 2012 still thinks gypsies are thieves? Who would even know someone was a gypsy unless that person said hey I'm a gypsy. Although the neon and rhinestone clothing may give them away.
I just can't get over this cousin thing. Emma just say no to 1st cousins.
Seriously y'all this may be my new favorite show. It's awful! AWFUL!
For example, I don't think the previews of Jersey Shore ever has included the phrase "A gypsy bride commits to her cousin in holy matrimony." I know! Pick your jaw up off the floor cause Annie's not committing to just any cousin...she's committing to her first cousin which I thought was illegal in this country. Hey what's a little inbreeding and genetic abnormalities among family, right? Oh, apparently in W VA it is illegal for 1st cousins to marry, but not in VA. Really VA? Really? You're gonna let W VA best you on that? Hey Annie I'm pretty sure "beautifulest" is not a word.
So it's ok to marry a cousin but NOT ok to live together before marriage?
Now I may not be the best dresser in the world, but I feel I'm pretty average. Good days and bad days and all that. But why, if you are a gypsy, are you required to dress like an off duty stripper? No one needs to see your chuckie or your muffin top. I'm pretty sure the romichal women get style tips from Snookie and J Woww. Its almost as if the gypsies intentionally try to make themselves look bad.
Keep in mind TLC is the same channel that brings us What Not To Wear. You'd think TLC would hook the gypsies up with Stacy and Clinton.
Why, if you are a gypsy, must you have BAD teeth? You can afford for the wife to stay home and not work, but no one can afford to see a dentist?
What if you're a lesbian gypsy couple? How do you decide who works and who stays home?
How is there enough business for a woman in Boston to cater to making ugly gypsy dresses? And in Boston. That makes me sad for Boston.
Why do all gypsies live in trailers? Not that there is anything wrong with living in a trailer cause there are some dang nice trailers. I was just curious.
How do they afford these giant weddings?
Now I am totally ignorant on gypsy history, but from watching this show I've learned that being a gypsy is the same as being black before the Civil War or Jewish in Germany while Hitler reigned. You learn something new every day. And who in 2012 still thinks gypsies are thieves? Who would even know someone was a gypsy unless that person said hey I'm a gypsy. Although the neon and rhinestone clothing may give them away.
I just can't get over this cousin thing. Emma just say no to 1st cousins.
Seriously y'all this may be my new favorite show. It's awful! AWFUL!
Tuesday, May 15, 2012
The Real Housewives
I know y'all watch the Real Housewives...at least one of the series. Don't lie and try to act all highbrow. We all have a little trash in us. I may have a little more than the average person. I blame the baby. If I hadn't been on bed rest then I wouldn't have gotten hooked on so many reality shows!
My fave by far is Real Housewives of New Jersey followed by the OC. I don't watch any of the other series, but I have seen bits and pieces here and there. So my overwhelming question is this...who fights like that with their friends???? I have never once in my life had a full out brawl with my friends. Sure we might get annoyed with each other from time to time, but an argument...never.
I'm just gonna give you some of my opinions on this season of RHONJ and RHOC. Keep in mind..these are my OPINIONS. That means you don't have to agree with me. Let's also keep in mind that I'm posting about a reality tv show. No need to get all irate and defensive of your favorite castmate. I'm not judging...okay, maybe I am judging, but you don't have to agree with me. I've seen some of y'all's tweets and I know how strongly (aka irrationally) you feel about your fave castmate.
In terms of a rating system (thanks Sarah and Andy) we will categorize our castmates by the following scale: riff raff, street rat, and dirty brown water trash.
RHOC
Vicki: Vicki turned 50 this year and gasp her grown ass daughter went ahead and got married..the gall of her! I am so excited to see that she married a military man (I may be biased just a little bit) and I hope it works out! Girl, call me if you need any advice (ya know cause I know everything). I typically like Vicki for her go get it attitude and strong business sense, but was sad that her and Don couldn't work it out. I wondered if she had spent as much time and attention on her marriage as she does on her business if things would've been different. I also saw something that implied that Brooks was the gentleman that hung out with Tamara and Vicki in Cabo last season...he certainly did look like Brooks. I do think Vicki is a little bit of a hypocrite because it's okay for her to talk about how awful Slade is, but yet she doesn't own to the accusations that Brooks has done the same things. She can dish it, but she for sure can't take it. Rating: riff raff
Gretchen: Gretchen, Gretchen, Gretchen...Slade, really? You must really have a thing for older men cause he's like your dad's age. And why is there always one housewife who thinks she can sing? I know bad singing and I'm here to tell ya we are the same in this regard sister. You have 10,000 careers going on...pick one already! Rating: street rat
Tamara: I am so happy you finally left that loser husband of yours and have a hot new boyfriend. Boy oh boy are you one loud cookie. I think you'd fit in well with the Girls Next Door (except for the fact that you got your boobies removed which I actually applaud). Rating: street rat
Alexis: You, by far, are the creepiest of all the OC housewives. Between your controlling, creepy husband and your Jesus Barbie looks and your "career" of being a tv personality (tv anchor you ain't sweetie...every time they show clips of your tv segment all I can think is Oh Honey...I can send you some learn to read books if you need them. You seem to struggle with your cue cards) it is sometimes painful to watch your insecurities play out on television. Rating: dirty brown water trash
Heather: Love her! Think she is the classiest housewife ever to grace the OC screen. I think describing herself as an actress is a bit of a reach (when you haven't done something in a million years then it's time to take it off your resume), but I do really think she is fantastic. Rating: fabulous
Slade: Creepy, creepy Slade. Where do I begin? I'm not sure why you are unable to date women your own age. Actually I am sure. A woman your own age would see through your bullshit in a heartbeat and would NOT put up with you. Why do you feel the need to turn every girlfriend you have into a singer? Jo who? I'm not sure what you do for an actually job anymore, but it appears to entail sponging off Gretchen. Let's hope for a Slade free season next year. Rating: dirty brown water trash
RHONJ
Jaclyn: I am so relieved you finally kicked your bratty daughter Ashley out of your house. Yes, she is your daughter. Yes, you love her, but holy crap. She needs a good ass kicking. I am anxiously awaiting your show down with Theresa. I think you are awesome, but I sense you have a little riff raff in you.
Caroline: My fave NJ housewife! I would pay money to meet Caroline and have a glass of wine with her. I love how she is with her family and her marriage and her kids and I think she is a great role model and a little gangsta. She'd kick your ass and not look back. Lauren, stop beating yourself up so much about your weight! You are fantastic! If I was younger, and single, I'd totally want to marry Albie or Chris. Rating: fabulous riff raff
Melissa: I would beat someone up to have your body. Your husband ain't shabby either. Y'all are so funny together and have put up with way more than I ever would have from your sister in law (cuckoo, cuckoo). It is time for the two of you to walk away from that crazy Theresa. Sometimes you gotta love your family from afar and this is one of those times. I see a little street in you and so as fabulous as you are...rating: street rat (except in your case I mean that as a compliment).
Kathy: You are a great mom! You and Melissa are a great addition to the show. I would've loved to have gone to your end of the school year pool party. I do wonder though..what's up with your hubby's weird glasses? Rating: fabulous
Theresa: Holy crazy balls. What has happened to your girl? For all the success you have in your life you seem so insecure and jealous! I'm sure your steroid psycho husband does not help matters (I cannot wait to see the type of men your daughters end up with...I see a RHONJ spinoff in the future) with all his "going away" (how old are you? Just suck it up and say jail. You ain't fooling anyone with your "going away." He wasn't on a club med vacation for pete's sake). You are definitely the Danielle Staub on this season with your crazy accusations and fighting and paranoia. No wonder no one likes you! It's time to grow up and start acting like a mom and reign your bratty kids in and leave that douchebag husband of yours (really what grown man grabs other mens balls? That's disgusting.). I'm sorry to be so harsh, but someone has to say it like it is. As much as I'd like to support you I can never buy one of your books because you're just so hateful and ugly to your friends. Rating: dirty brown water trash
Whose your favorite housewife and why?
My fave by far is Real Housewives of New Jersey followed by the OC. I don't watch any of the other series, but I have seen bits and pieces here and there. So my overwhelming question is this...who fights like that with their friends???? I have never once in my life had a full out brawl with my friends. Sure we might get annoyed with each other from time to time, but an argument...never.
I'm just gonna give you some of my opinions on this season of RHONJ and RHOC. Keep in mind..these are my OPINIONS. That means you don't have to agree with me. Let's also keep in mind that I'm posting about a reality tv show. No need to get all irate and defensive of your favorite castmate. I'm not judging...okay, maybe I am judging, but you don't have to agree with me. I've seen some of y'all's tweets and I know how strongly (aka irrationally) you feel about your fave castmate.
In terms of a rating system (thanks Sarah and Andy) we will categorize our castmates by the following scale: riff raff, street rat, and dirty brown water trash.
RHOC
Vicki: Vicki turned 50 this year and gasp her grown ass daughter went ahead and got married..the gall of her! I am so excited to see that she married a military man (I may be biased just a little bit) and I hope it works out! Girl, call me if you need any advice (ya know cause I know everything). I typically like Vicki for her go get it attitude and strong business sense, but was sad that her and Don couldn't work it out. I wondered if she had spent as much time and attention on her marriage as she does on her business if things would've been different. I also saw something that implied that Brooks was the gentleman that hung out with Tamara and Vicki in Cabo last season...he certainly did look like Brooks. I do think Vicki is a little bit of a hypocrite because it's okay for her to talk about how awful Slade is, but yet she doesn't own to the accusations that Brooks has done the same things. She can dish it, but she for sure can't take it. Rating: riff raff
Gretchen: Gretchen, Gretchen, Gretchen...Slade, really? You must really have a thing for older men cause he's like your dad's age. And why is there always one housewife who thinks she can sing? I know bad singing and I'm here to tell ya we are the same in this regard sister. You have 10,000 careers going on...pick one already! Rating: street rat
Tamara: I am so happy you finally left that loser husband of yours and have a hot new boyfriend. Boy oh boy are you one loud cookie. I think you'd fit in well with the Girls Next Door (except for the fact that you got your boobies removed which I actually applaud). Rating: street rat
Alexis: You, by far, are the creepiest of all the OC housewives. Between your controlling, creepy husband and your Jesus Barbie looks and your "career" of being a tv personality (tv anchor you ain't sweetie...every time they show clips of your tv segment all I can think is Oh Honey...I can send you some learn to read books if you need them. You seem to struggle with your cue cards) it is sometimes painful to watch your insecurities play out on television. Rating: dirty brown water trash
Heather: Love her! Think she is the classiest housewife ever to grace the OC screen. I think describing herself as an actress is a bit of a reach (when you haven't done something in a million years then it's time to take it off your resume), but I do really think she is fantastic. Rating: fabulous
Slade: Creepy, creepy Slade. Where do I begin? I'm not sure why you are unable to date women your own age. Actually I am sure. A woman your own age would see through your bullshit in a heartbeat and would NOT put up with you. Why do you feel the need to turn every girlfriend you have into a singer? Jo who? I'm not sure what you do for an actually job anymore, but it appears to entail sponging off Gretchen. Let's hope for a Slade free season next year. Rating: dirty brown water trash
RHONJ
Jaclyn: I am so relieved you finally kicked your bratty daughter Ashley out of your house. Yes, she is your daughter. Yes, you love her, but holy crap. She needs a good ass kicking. I am anxiously awaiting your show down with Theresa. I think you are awesome, but I sense you have a little riff raff in you.
Caroline: My fave NJ housewife! I would pay money to meet Caroline and have a glass of wine with her. I love how she is with her family and her marriage and her kids and I think she is a great role model and a little gangsta. She'd kick your ass and not look back. Lauren, stop beating yourself up so much about your weight! You are fantastic! If I was younger, and single, I'd totally want to marry Albie or Chris. Rating: fabulous riff raff
Melissa: I would beat someone up to have your body. Your husband ain't shabby either. Y'all are so funny together and have put up with way more than I ever would have from your sister in law (cuckoo, cuckoo). It is time for the two of you to walk away from that crazy Theresa. Sometimes you gotta love your family from afar and this is one of those times. I see a little street in you and so as fabulous as you are...rating: street rat (except in your case I mean that as a compliment).
Kathy: You are a great mom! You and Melissa are a great addition to the show. I would've loved to have gone to your end of the school year pool party. I do wonder though..what's up with your hubby's weird glasses? Rating: fabulous
Theresa: Holy crazy balls. What has happened to your girl? For all the success you have in your life you seem so insecure and jealous! I'm sure your steroid psycho husband does not help matters (I cannot wait to see the type of men your daughters end up with...I see a RHONJ spinoff in the future) with all his "going away" (how old are you? Just suck it up and say jail. You ain't fooling anyone with your "going away." He wasn't on a club med vacation for pete's sake). You are definitely the Danielle Staub on this season with your crazy accusations and fighting and paranoia. No wonder no one likes you! It's time to grow up and start acting like a mom and reign your bratty kids in and leave that douchebag husband of yours (really what grown man grabs other mens balls? That's disgusting.). I'm sorry to be so harsh, but someone has to say it like it is. As much as I'd like to support you I can never buy one of your books because you're just so hateful and ugly to your friends. Rating: dirty brown water trash
Whose your favorite housewife and why?
Saturday, May 12, 2012
Kiss of Death
Pretty much if I like a show it's going to be cancelled. The list of fall tv shows that have been renewed or cancelled just came out and almost all the ones I fell in love with this past season are on it. Let's review shall we.
The River: This was a show about a scientist who goes looking for magic in the Amazon, gets lost, and how his family goes looking for him. At the end of the season they found him, but they couldn't find their way out of the Amazon. How am I ever going to know what happened to those poor bastards now that their show is cancelled? They are going to be stuck in the Amazon forever!
Alcatrez: A show about the closing of Alcatrez and all the inmates and guards who go missing in 1963 that are now showing up in the present day. Well, I can tell you they didn't find all of the inmates last season and now they never will!
GCB: I hate everyone who didn't watch this show. Funny, sarcastic, silly, awesome...y'all let it die. It was soooo good! Why didn't you watch???
Cougar Town: Almost got cancelled, but TBS saved it. Y'all better watch it on TBS. Yes, I know the name sucks, but the show is soooo funny! Everyone needs a Big Carl and I'm not going to explain what that means so you'll have to watch it to find out!
Are You There, Chelsea?: This show improved a lot over the season, yet apparently not enough. If y'all are not familiar with Chelsea Handler then you are missing out. Her book My Horizontal Life is one of the funniest books I've ever read. Read it!
Terra Nova: A show about how we destroyed the world and had to go back in time to start over. Since I liked it I'm sure it'll be cancelled although they haven't said for sure yet.
New Girl: Didn't see anything about this, but I love New Girl and Happy Endings. Hope both are renewed!
American Horror Story: Probably THE scariest show I've ever seen on tv. I've heard its supposed to come back with a new plot line so I hope it does. This show gave me nightmares. I had to dvr it and watch it during the daytime. lol
If the Real Housewives goes off the air then I'm done with tv forever!
The River: This was a show about a scientist who goes looking for magic in the Amazon, gets lost, and how his family goes looking for him. At the end of the season they found him, but they couldn't find their way out of the Amazon. How am I ever going to know what happened to those poor bastards now that their show is cancelled? They are going to be stuck in the Amazon forever!
Alcatrez: A show about the closing of Alcatrez and all the inmates and guards who go missing in 1963 that are now showing up in the present day. Well, I can tell you they didn't find all of the inmates last season and now they never will!
GCB: I hate everyone who didn't watch this show. Funny, sarcastic, silly, awesome...y'all let it die. It was soooo good! Why didn't you watch???
Cougar Town: Almost got cancelled, but TBS saved it. Y'all better watch it on TBS. Yes, I know the name sucks, but the show is soooo funny! Everyone needs a Big Carl and I'm not going to explain what that means so you'll have to watch it to find out!
Are You There, Chelsea?: This show improved a lot over the season, yet apparently not enough. If y'all are not familiar with Chelsea Handler then you are missing out. Her book My Horizontal Life is one of the funniest books I've ever read. Read it!
Terra Nova: A show about how we destroyed the world and had to go back in time to start over. Since I liked it I'm sure it'll be cancelled although they haven't said for sure yet.
New Girl: Didn't see anything about this, but I love New Girl and Happy Endings. Hope both are renewed!
American Horror Story: Probably THE scariest show I've ever seen on tv. I've heard its supposed to come back with a new plot line so I hope it does. This show gave me nightmares. I had to dvr it and watch it during the daytime. lol
If the Real Housewives goes off the air then I'm done with tv forever!
Sunday, March 18, 2012
A Serious Question
Remember how when you were growing up the only thing that made the end of summer bearable was knowing that fall tv would soon be starting. As summer ended you could look forward secure in the knowledge that very soon Zach Morris, Cliff Huxtable, Doogie Howser, and Tim the Tool Man Taylor would be showing up at your house. NBC rocked Thursday nights with Friends and the original 90210 reigned supreme. Remember when Donna lost her virginity to David??? Remember when everyone else lost their virginity to Dylan??? Those were the days!
TV shows had seasons that went from late August/early September to May. That is like an entire school year and then when the shows had their season finales it was time again for summer break! Need I say it again...those were the days!
So what happened? It seems like now we are lucky if our favorite shows have 8 episodes! I can barely feel invested in a show with only 8 episodes. And just when you are good and wrapped up in a show then its pre-empted by basketball or baseball (shudder) or American Idol (seriously who still watches this??? No one who has won the show has lasted more than a year in the industry with a few exceptions...shout out Kelly Clarkson and Jennifer Hudson who I don't even think won...why is AI on all year long???).
Instead of being able to stay with your beloved characters for an entire season beginning in September you have to stalk the tv guide channel and internet to even find out when your show is starting. This one starts in September, this one in October, this one did start in September and then went off the air in November, and is coming back in April (did I mention I hate AI)...Bones I'm talking to you. Where have you been????? Just when I get interested in a show all the sudden the season is over (hello Terra Nova!).
It's almost enough to turn me off tv all together. I can't keep it all straight. So for Christmas this year Mr. Television Executive can we please just have a real tv season instead of mini seasons of 50 different shows?
Thank you and good night.
TV shows had seasons that went from late August/early September to May. That is like an entire school year and then when the shows had their season finales it was time again for summer break! Need I say it again...those were the days!
So what happened? It seems like now we are lucky if our favorite shows have 8 episodes! I can barely feel invested in a show with only 8 episodes. And just when you are good and wrapped up in a show then its pre-empted by basketball or baseball (shudder) or American Idol (seriously who still watches this??? No one who has won the show has lasted more than a year in the industry with a few exceptions...shout out Kelly Clarkson and Jennifer Hudson who I don't even think won...why is AI on all year long???).
Instead of being able to stay with your beloved characters for an entire season beginning in September you have to stalk the tv guide channel and internet to even find out when your show is starting. This one starts in September, this one in October, this one did start in September and then went off the air in November, and is coming back in April (did I mention I hate AI)...Bones I'm talking to you. Where have you been????? Just when I get interested in a show all the sudden the season is over (hello Terra Nova!).
It's almost enough to turn me off tv all together. I can't keep it all straight. So for Christmas this year Mr. Television Executive can we please just have a real tv season instead of mini seasons of 50 different shows?
Thank you and good night.
Wednesday, June 29, 2011
A "Real" Housewife
I was doing my Wii Zumba today thinking about what viewers would see if I was on The Real Housewives of Boston and I realized I would have the MOST boring reality show ever. This is my typical day (brace yourself for the excitement).
6am--side nurse Stinky...this basically entails me laying on my side with my boob hanging out and Stinky free feeds and we both sleep. If she's hungry she rolls over and opens her mouth.
9am--Ellen! Only if she has an interesting guest on. If not it's Regis and Kelly. Which by the way Kelly Ripa is wayyyyy tooooo skinny! Holy crap. She looks like a 12 year old boy.
10am--the Today Show, maybe a shower (which from Saturday to yesterday afternoon we had no hot water. You haven't experienced me at my hottest until this past weekend. I'm surprised Paul didn't make me sleep outside. I did shower...albeit very very quickly under the cold water and I only washed my hair once)
11am--Kathy Lee and Hoda (I know someday Hoda is going to punch Kathy Lee and by gosh I want to see it!)
12pm--eat lunch and maybe go to Starbucks
Our afternoons are equally exciting and filled with activities such as errand running, clothes washing, house cleaning, breast feeding, exercising (haha) and reading.
Today, after I finished 40 minutes of Wii Zumba and was a hot sweaty mess, I looked down at Jojo and noticed what looked like a red cherry sticking out of his bum. I actually called the vet and asked if dogs get hemorrhoids (FYI they do NOT) and they said to bring him in (yay for my sweaty self). Guess what dogs do get? Ruptured anal glands (who knew?). And if I didn't have enough to do and worry about with Paul deploying on Friday I now have to bring my dog in for anal surgery, him wearing a cone, him being unable to go up/down the stairs on his own and heck refusing to walk period with the cone on his head, and 14 days of anal seepage (fyi Jojo has just bled out his ass all over my living room carpet...good times, good times. Luckily Beast is licking it up for me. Sorry Beauty--we can't pay for your rotting tooth to be removed right now b/c we have to pay for Jojo's ass surgery. Maybe your tooth will just fall out on its own. I recommend everyone buy stock in carpet cleaner--we are raising the value on those with all our purchases). So if my house is not gross enough already I now have to clean up leaking anal fluids. I really feel that most of my days are spent cleaning up stuff that comes out of the behinds of those in my house with the occasional vomit thrown in for good measure.
I don't understand how these "real" housewives spend their days buying expensive items, going out to eat, drinking wine, and basically not doing anything of substance. When do they do anything that is actually real?
Boy, its going to be a fun 6 months.
6am--side nurse Stinky...this basically entails me laying on my side with my boob hanging out and Stinky free feeds and we both sleep. If she's hungry she rolls over and opens her mouth.
9am--Ellen! Only if she has an interesting guest on. If not it's Regis and Kelly. Which by the way Kelly Ripa is wayyyyy tooooo skinny! Holy crap. She looks like a 12 year old boy.
10am--the Today Show, maybe a shower (which from Saturday to yesterday afternoon we had no hot water. You haven't experienced me at my hottest until this past weekend. I'm surprised Paul didn't make me sleep outside. I did shower...albeit very very quickly under the cold water and I only washed my hair once)
11am--Kathy Lee and Hoda (I know someday Hoda is going to punch Kathy Lee and by gosh I want to see it!)
12pm--eat lunch and maybe go to Starbucks
Our afternoons are equally exciting and filled with activities such as errand running, clothes washing, house cleaning, breast feeding, exercising (haha) and reading.
Today, after I finished 40 minutes of Wii Zumba and was a hot sweaty mess, I looked down at Jojo and noticed what looked like a red cherry sticking out of his bum. I actually called the vet and asked if dogs get hemorrhoids (FYI they do NOT) and they said to bring him in (yay for my sweaty self). Guess what dogs do get? Ruptured anal glands (who knew?). And if I didn't have enough to do and worry about with Paul deploying on Friday I now have to bring my dog in for anal surgery, him wearing a cone, him being unable to go up/down the stairs on his own and heck refusing to walk period with the cone on his head, and 14 days of anal seepage (fyi Jojo has just bled out his ass all over my living room carpet...good times, good times. Luckily Beast is licking it up for me. Sorry Beauty--we can't pay for your rotting tooth to be removed right now b/c we have to pay for Jojo's ass surgery. Maybe your tooth will just fall out on its own. I recommend everyone buy stock in carpet cleaner--we are raising the value on those with all our purchases). So if my house is not gross enough already I now have to clean up leaking anal fluids. I really feel that most of my days are spent cleaning up stuff that comes out of the behinds of those in my house with the occasional vomit thrown in for good measure.
I don't understand how these "real" housewives spend their days buying expensive items, going out to eat, drinking wine, and basically not doing anything of substance. When do they do anything that is actually real?
Boy, its going to be a fun 6 months.
Sunday, January 30, 2011
Jersey Shore
I know, I know...not another Jersey Shore blog. But I am just so fascinated appalled by this slice of current Americana. Paul flipped to Jersey Shore the other day and turned it off after 5 minutes in absolute disgust. I, on the other hand, dvr it and watch it in secret shame when Paul's not home (or in 5 minute snatches when he goes upstairs for something).
I have to think that the parents of these adults who arestarring whoring in Jersey Shore have to watch their prodigy and think "I am so proud." I am not sure which would make me prouder as a parent...watching my 20 something year old daughter getting into a physical altercation with her roommate night after night, watching my 20 something year old child on television bang some random stranger he/she met in a bar, seeing my 20 something year old child get arrested for (fill in the blank), watching my 30 year old child live with 20 year olds and forgo a real job, or watching my son refer to himself in the 3rd party (The Situation) and get turned down night after night because even the girls of the Jersey Shore are too classy to have sex with his skeezy ass.
The other thing I laugh about comes more from the Miller Lite commercials. I wonder if their ad team just watches the Jersey Shore for inspiration. It is 2011--who wears a dragon t-shirt like this? Oh that's right. Themen boys on Jersey Shore. (FYI if you do have appliqued t-shirts OR jeans it's time to clean out the closet and pay a visit to the Good Will with your donation. Neither are a good look on anyone.)
I was happy to see whiny Sammi and JWoww hug it out on the last episode as all the fist fighting was getting a little old. I'd really like MTV to send Dr. Phil into the Jersey Shore house for a day. I think it'd be like a steel cage death match between Dr. Phil and the cast. I am not sure who would come out victorious though. Dr. Phil deals with a lot on his show and yet part of me believes the Jersey Shore cast may actually break him. It'd be a sad sad day to see Dr. Phil running down the boardwalk in the throes of a nervous breakdown after a day with this bunch of super troopers.
Must be nice to have your only aspiration in life to GTL (gym, tan, laundry for you intellects out there who don't cheapen yourself by watching reality television). Oh, and spend 3 weeks a summer working at a touristy t-shirt shop (as much as I wonder what the hell the owner of this store is thinking he really is a marketing genius for hooking up with these losers. I'm sure he gets a ton of business just because of his affiliation with the 7th circle). I, personally, would like to see the Jersey Shore cast go work for the Cake Boss for the summer. He would kick their asses. I think a meet and greet between Jersey Shore and Jerseylicious would also be hilarious.
Okay, perhaps it's time for me to pay a visit to Dr. Phil to discuss my reality tv addiction.
I have to think that the parents of these adults who are
The other thing I laugh about comes more from the Miller Lite commercials. I wonder if their ad team just watches the Jersey Shore for inspiration. It is 2011--who wears a dragon t-shirt like this? Oh that's right. The
I was happy to see whiny Sammi and JWoww hug it out on the last episode as all the fist fighting was getting a little old. I'd really like MTV to send Dr. Phil into the Jersey Shore house for a day. I think it'd be like a steel cage death match between Dr. Phil and the cast. I am not sure who would come out victorious though. Dr. Phil deals with a lot on his show and yet part of me believes the Jersey Shore cast may actually break him. It'd be a sad sad day to see Dr. Phil running down the boardwalk in the throes of a nervous breakdown after a day with this bunch of super troopers.
Must be nice to have your only aspiration in life to GTL (gym, tan, laundry for you intellects out there who don't cheapen yourself by watching reality television). Oh, and spend 3 weeks a summer working at a touristy t-shirt shop (as much as I wonder what the hell the owner of this store is thinking he really is a marketing genius for hooking up with these losers. I'm sure he gets a ton of business just because of his affiliation with the 7th circle). I, personally, would like to see the Jersey Shore cast go work for the Cake Boss for the summer. He would kick their asses. I think a meet and greet between Jersey Shore and Jerseylicious would also be hilarious.
Okay, perhaps it's time for me to pay a visit to Dr. Phil to discuss my reality tv addiction.
Wednesday, January 12, 2011
Late nights and train wrecks
Last night Paul and I got sucked in to (are you ready for this) The Millionaire Matchmaker...until 1 o'clock in the morning! The whole time Paul kept saying, "I hope the base is closed tomorrow. Where's the snow? Why isn't it snowing? I'm going to be so tired." As I am a good wife at about 11pm I started to ask Paul if he was going to go to bed. I just wanted to put it out there that I tried to get him to go to bed in case we didn't get snow (our meteorologists are notoriously wrong) so he wouldn't be tired. And as is our usual once we got into bed we chatted and laughed for awhile. We can sit next to each other all night on the couch and hardly say a word, but as soon as we get into bed we're regular chatty cathies (Cathy's, Cathies, Kathy's????). It seems to be the time of night that we talk about Emma and how nervous/excited/terrified/happy we are that she'll be here soon. We laugh because she usually is moving around (she loves the night life) and we talk to her. The cutest thing is Paul putting his head next to my belly and talking to her or blowing raspberries on my stomach. Miss Feisty loves that and usually responds with big kicks and stretches.
But back to Patti and her band of matchmakers. I really would like Bravo to do a special on any couples that have ended up getting married after having Patti set them up. I know she says she has an "extremely high success rate;" however, I've yet to see one couple that dates more than a few times. I'd like to see some actual successes. I'm just saying....
If you haven't seen the 2 episodes we saw last night then you missed 2 doozies. In the first episode Freddy Mitchell, who used to play for the Eagles, was on as well as a millionairess. The date Freddy chose totally called him out after she googled him and saw that he wasn't paying his child support. As she was a single parent I thought that was a legitimate concern. I for sure would not want to date a guy who doesn't pay his child support. But he was so outraged by her questioning him that it was clear, despite their cheer stunting on the roof top, that there would not be a second date. Plus his date sounded like Britney Spears with a heavy southern accent. The millionairess felt it was appropriate to start her date with a private screening of her movie about her...and lingerie. I have never laughed so hard as when, they are being asked individually how they thought the date was going, and the date is saying how inappropriate and weird he thought the video was and she was saying how her date loved her movie. Paul said she was an actress/model; however, she was like 45 years old and really I wouldn't pay her to model a garbage bag. Her date was a trooper and still went to lunch with her; however, confessed over lunch that he was not attracted to her and felt no sexual chemistry with her. Perhaps it was the fact that she ordered a salad and apparently could fit an entire head of lettuce in her mouth at once based on the size of the pieces she was putting in her mouth or the white salad dressing that was all over the outside of her mouth (you'd have thought that would've been a turn on for most men...a good omen of things to come and her...let's call them special skills) or that she showed a movie of her old ass self in lingerie, but whatever. Instead of being happy with his honesty her narcissistic self got up and left. The best part though was when her and Patti got into a fight.
Speaking of fighting...Patti seems to think she is all that and a bag of chips. For her working with millionaires you'd think she'd have a little more professional finesse instead of insulting people all the time and telling them how awful they are. Granted it makes for good tv, but I don't think she'd be the matchmaker I'd choose (ok I lie I totally was gonna send her my picture before I met Paul, but honestly I just wanted a rich husband) to find true love (again, I'd just use her to find me a sugar daddy). How do people put up with her? I also love that her mohawk and purple dyed bangs weird clothes wearing assistants pass judgment on people. Really?
The second episode we watched featured what seemed like a genuinely nice guy. Granted I did not agree with Patti's assessment of him being "hot," but he certainly was one of the better looking millionaires she has had on her show (why are all her millionaires fugly looking????? I guess there is a reason beyond their general immaturity why they are usually over 40 and single). His date seemed nice as well and the little blurb on the end remarked they were still dating (but for how long???? I need more updates people).
The millionairess (I hesitate to use that word as her networth was only 1.8 million...not much in today's society for someone who lives in NYC) had her own PR company. Who would choose this woman to handle their PR is beyond me, but people must. She had a dog that she had botox done on, an apartment entirely done in pink, was obsessed with Hello Kitty, and was completely shallow. She sounded like a high school girl every time she opened her mouth and apparently did not realize that there are people you can pay to teach you how to apply make up and do your hair (as I write this I haven't showered, am still in my jammies, and a tree sloth has better hair than what I'm rockin right now lol). Plus she was a little overweight (I have no judgment here cause I weigh more than my husband and will be hooking up with Weight Watchers in the next month or so). Her first mini date was with a retired cop who actually seemed to overlook the hyena like laughter coming out of her mouth (she truly was a terrible flirt and by terrible I don't mean she flirted with everyone, I mean she was awful bad at it like painful to watch bad). Her second mini date was with a plumber who basically came out and said he was looking for a sugar mama. Guess who Hello Kitty chose? Ding, ding, ding...the plumber who the only qualities about him she could identify that she liked was that he was "hot." Which she kept telling him...over and over and over.
Their date consisted of bike riding (I enjoyed it when he made the comment that she didn't look like she exercised or even moved all that much) that he planned and an expensive ass dinner cruise that she planned. Because Hello Kitty enjoyed her cocktails watching her become increasingly inebriated and inappropriate on her date was comical. You could see the dollar signs lighting up in plumber's eyes as she promised to buy him a car and a motorcycle and finance his waiter for hire business. At one point she stated, "I want to have sex with you," and while I threw up in my mouth a little, plumber didn't miss a beat and replied, "Give me a handjob under the table." The details of whether she did or not are fuzzy because thank goodness the camera man stopped filming as her hand snuck towards plumber under the table. I guess even Bravo has standards although I think it's because the camera man was running to the bathroom to throw up.
So, Patti meets with Hello Kitty after the date and flat out said plumber is only dating you for money and he is not attracted to you. Hello Kitty seemed genuinely surprised by this (like I said she didn't seem like the brightest bulb in the room...this may be attributed to her love of the drink) and Patti basically kicked her ass out (how does Patti continue to have clients when she is always kicking people out of da club?). Surprisingly this relationship did not last, but I have to wonder who broke up with who? I don't think Hello Kitty had the self awareness to realize he was, in fact, only using her for her money. Perhaps plumber realized she didn't have quite the amount of money he required in a sugar mama or perhaps he just couldn't go through with the sex act. Unfortunately we shall never know.
The nightmares that came following these 2 train wrecks (Hello Kitty and the lingerie model) were totally worth it though. Totally worth it.
But back to Patti and her band of matchmakers. I really would like Bravo to do a special on any couples that have ended up getting married after having Patti set them up. I know she says she has an "extremely high success rate;" however, I've yet to see one couple that dates more than a few times. I'd like to see some actual successes. I'm just saying....
If you haven't seen the 2 episodes we saw last night then you missed 2 doozies. In the first episode Freddy Mitchell, who used to play for the Eagles, was on as well as a millionairess. The date Freddy chose totally called him out after she googled him and saw that he wasn't paying his child support. As she was a single parent I thought that was a legitimate concern. I for sure would not want to date a guy who doesn't pay his child support. But he was so outraged by her questioning him that it was clear, despite their cheer stunting on the roof top, that there would not be a second date. Plus his date sounded like Britney Spears with a heavy southern accent. The millionairess felt it was appropriate to start her date with a private screening of her movie about her...and lingerie. I have never laughed so hard as when, they are being asked individually how they thought the date was going, and the date is saying how inappropriate and weird he thought the video was and she was saying how her date loved her movie. Paul said she was an actress/model; however, she was like 45 years old and really I wouldn't pay her to model a garbage bag. Her date was a trooper and still went to lunch with her; however, confessed over lunch that he was not attracted to her and felt no sexual chemistry with her. Perhaps it was the fact that she ordered a salad and apparently could fit an entire head of lettuce in her mouth at once based on the size of the pieces she was putting in her mouth or the white salad dressing that was all over the outside of her mouth (you'd have thought that would've been a turn on for most men...a good omen of things to come and her...let's call them special skills) or that she showed a movie of her old ass self in lingerie, but whatever. Instead of being happy with his honesty her narcissistic self got up and left. The best part though was when her and Patti got into a fight.
Speaking of fighting...Patti seems to think she is all that and a bag of chips. For her working with millionaires you'd think she'd have a little more professional finesse instead of insulting people all the time and telling them how awful they are. Granted it makes for good tv, but I don't think she'd be the matchmaker I'd choose (ok I lie I totally was gonna send her my picture before I met Paul, but honestly I just wanted a rich husband) to find true love (again, I'd just use her to find me a sugar daddy). How do people put up with her? I also love that her mohawk and purple dyed bangs weird clothes wearing assistants pass judgment on people. Really?
The second episode we watched featured what seemed like a genuinely nice guy. Granted I did not agree with Patti's assessment of him being "hot," but he certainly was one of the better looking millionaires she has had on her show (why are all her millionaires fugly looking????? I guess there is a reason beyond their general immaturity why they are usually over 40 and single). His date seemed nice as well and the little blurb on the end remarked they were still dating (but for how long???? I need more updates people).
The millionairess (I hesitate to use that word as her networth was only 1.8 million...not much in today's society for someone who lives in NYC) had her own PR company. Who would choose this woman to handle their PR is beyond me, but people must. She had a dog that she had botox done on, an apartment entirely done in pink, was obsessed with Hello Kitty, and was completely shallow. She sounded like a high school girl every time she opened her mouth and apparently did not realize that there are people you can pay to teach you how to apply make up and do your hair (as I write this I haven't showered, am still in my jammies, and a tree sloth has better hair than what I'm rockin right now lol). Plus she was a little overweight (I have no judgment here cause I weigh more than my husband and will be hooking up with Weight Watchers in the next month or so). Her first mini date was with a retired cop who actually seemed to overlook the hyena like laughter coming out of her mouth (she truly was a terrible flirt and by terrible I don't mean she flirted with everyone, I mean she was awful bad at it like painful to watch bad). Her second mini date was with a plumber who basically came out and said he was looking for a sugar mama. Guess who Hello Kitty chose? Ding, ding, ding...the plumber who the only qualities about him she could identify that she liked was that he was "hot." Which she kept telling him...over and over and over.
Their date consisted of bike riding (I enjoyed it when he made the comment that she didn't look like she exercised or even moved all that much) that he planned and an expensive ass dinner cruise that she planned. Because Hello Kitty enjoyed her cocktails watching her become increasingly inebriated and inappropriate on her date was comical. You could see the dollar signs lighting up in plumber's eyes as she promised to buy him a car and a motorcycle and finance his waiter for hire business. At one point she stated, "I want to have sex with you," and while I threw up in my mouth a little, plumber didn't miss a beat and replied, "Give me a handjob under the table." The details of whether she did or not are fuzzy because thank goodness the camera man stopped filming as her hand snuck towards plumber under the table. I guess even Bravo has standards although I think it's because the camera man was running to the bathroom to throw up.
So, Patti meets with Hello Kitty after the date and flat out said plumber is only dating you for money and he is not attracted to you. Hello Kitty seemed genuinely surprised by this (like I said she didn't seem like the brightest bulb in the room...this may be attributed to her love of the drink) and Patti basically kicked her ass out (how does Patti continue to have clients when she is always kicking people out of da club?). Surprisingly this relationship did not last, but I have to wonder who broke up with who? I don't think Hello Kitty had the self awareness to realize he was, in fact, only using her for her money. Perhaps plumber realized she didn't have quite the amount of money he required in a sugar mama or perhaps he just couldn't go through with the sex act. Unfortunately we shall never know.
The nightmares that came following these 2 train wrecks (Hello Kitty and the lingerie model) were totally worth it though. Totally worth it.
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