Last night Paul and I got sucked in to (are you ready for this) The Millionaire Matchmaker...until 1 o'clock in the morning! The whole time Paul kept saying, "I hope the base is closed tomorrow. Where's the snow? Why isn't it snowing? I'm going to be so tired." As I am a good wife at about 11pm I started to ask Paul if he was going to go to bed. I just wanted to put it out there that I tried to get him to go to bed in case we didn't get snow (our meteorologists are notoriously wrong) so he wouldn't be tired. And as is our usual once we got into bed we chatted and laughed for awhile. We can sit next to each other all night on the couch and hardly say a word, but as soon as we get into bed we're regular chatty cathies (Cathy's, Cathies, Kathy's????). It seems to be the time of night that we talk about Emma and how nervous/excited/terrified/happy we are that she'll be here soon. We laugh because she usually is moving around (she loves the night life) and we talk to her. The cutest thing is Paul putting his head next to my belly and talking to her or blowing raspberries on my stomach. Miss Feisty loves that and usually responds with big kicks and stretches.
But back to Patti and her band of matchmakers. I really would like Bravo to do a special on any couples that have ended up getting married after having Patti set them up. I know she says she has an "extremely high success rate;" however, I've yet to see one couple that dates more than a few times. I'd like to see some actual successes. I'm just saying....
If you haven't seen the 2 episodes we saw last night then you missed 2 doozies. In the first episode Freddy Mitchell, who used to play for the Eagles, was on as well as a millionairess. The date Freddy chose totally called him out after she googled him and saw that he wasn't paying his child support. As she was a single parent I thought that was a legitimate concern. I for sure would not want to date a guy who doesn't pay his child support. But he was so outraged by her questioning him that it was clear, despite their cheer stunting on the roof top, that there would not be a second date. Plus his date sounded like Britney Spears with a heavy southern accent. The millionairess felt it was appropriate to start her date with a private screening of her movie about her...and lingerie. I have never laughed so hard as when, they are being asked individually how they thought the date was going, and the date is saying how inappropriate and weird he thought the video was and she was saying how her date loved her movie. Paul said she was an actress/model; however, she was like 45 years old and really I wouldn't pay her to model a garbage bag. Her date was a trooper and still went to lunch with her; however, confessed over lunch that he was not attracted to her and felt no sexual chemistry with her. Perhaps it was the fact that she ordered a salad and apparently could fit an entire head of lettuce in her mouth at once based on the size of the pieces she was putting in her mouth or the white salad dressing that was all over the outside of her mouth (you'd have thought that would've been a turn on for most men...a good omen of things to come and her...let's call them special skills) or that she showed a movie of her old ass self in lingerie, but whatever. Instead of being happy with his honesty her narcissistic self got up and left. The best part though was when her and Patti got into a fight.
Speaking of fighting...Patti seems to think she is all that and a bag of chips. For her working with millionaires you'd think she'd have a little more professional finesse instead of insulting people all the time and telling them how awful they are. Granted it makes for good tv, but I don't think she'd be the matchmaker I'd choose (ok I lie I totally was gonna send her my picture before I met Paul, but honestly I just wanted a rich husband) to find true love (again, I'd just use her to find me a sugar daddy). How do people put up with her? I also love that her mohawk and purple dyed bangs weird clothes wearing assistants pass judgment on people. Really?
The second episode we watched featured what seemed like a genuinely nice guy. Granted I did not agree with Patti's assessment of him being "hot," but he certainly was one of the better looking millionaires she has had on her show (why are all her millionaires fugly looking????? I guess there is a reason beyond their general immaturity why they are usually over 40 and single). His date seemed nice as well and the little blurb on the end remarked they were still dating (but for how long???? I need more updates people).
The millionairess (I hesitate to use that word as her networth was only 1.8 million...not much in today's society for someone who lives in NYC) had her own PR company. Who would choose this woman to handle their PR is beyond me, but people must. She had a dog that she had botox done on, an apartment entirely done in pink, was obsessed with Hello Kitty, and was completely shallow. She sounded like a high school girl every time she opened her mouth and apparently did not realize that there are people you can pay to teach you how to apply make up and do your hair (as I write this I haven't showered, am still in my jammies, and a tree sloth has better hair than what I'm rockin right now lol). Plus she was a little overweight (I have no judgment here cause I weigh more than my husband and will be hooking up with Weight Watchers in the next month or so). Her first mini date was with a retired cop who actually seemed to overlook the hyena like laughter coming out of her mouth (she truly was a terrible flirt and by terrible I don't mean she flirted with everyone, I mean she was awful bad at it like painful to watch bad). Her second mini date was with a plumber who basically came out and said he was looking for a sugar mama. Guess who Hello Kitty chose? Ding, ding, ding...the plumber who the only qualities about him she could identify that she liked was that he was "hot." Which she kept telling him...over and over and over.
Their date consisted of bike riding (I enjoyed it when he made the comment that she didn't look like she exercised or even moved all that much) that he planned and an expensive ass dinner cruise that she planned. Because Hello Kitty enjoyed her cocktails watching her become increasingly inebriated and inappropriate on her date was comical. You could see the dollar signs lighting up in plumber's eyes as she promised to buy him a car and a motorcycle and finance his waiter for hire business. At one point she stated, "I want to have sex with you," and while I threw up in my mouth a little, plumber didn't miss a beat and replied, "Give me a handjob under the table." The details of whether she did or not are fuzzy because thank goodness the camera man stopped filming as her hand snuck towards plumber under the table. I guess even Bravo has standards although I think it's because the camera man was running to the bathroom to throw up.
So, Patti meets with Hello Kitty after the date and flat out said plumber is only dating you for money and he is not attracted to you. Hello Kitty seemed genuinely surprised by this (like I said she didn't seem like the brightest bulb in the room...this may be attributed to her love of the drink) and Patti basically kicked her ass out (how does Patti continue to have clients when she is always kicking people out of da club?). Surprisingly this relationship did not last, but I have to wonder who broke up with who? I don't think Hello Kitty had the self awareness to realize he was, in fact, only using her for her money. Perhaps plumber realized she didn't have quite the amount of money he required in a sugar mama or perhaps he just couldn't go through with the sex act. Unfortunately we shall never know.
The nightmares that came following these 2 train wrecks (Hello Kitty and the lingerie model) were totally worth it though. Totally worth it.
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