SUYL--Marriage Advice

Kellys Korner has a weekly post called Show Us Your Life.  This weeks topic is marriage advice.  In my 20's I for sure would have said that I was NOT the person to be giving marriage advice.  My first marriage was a disaster.  Actually I was the disaster.  I was not ready to get married, I knew I wasn't ready to get married, but it was like a carousal that kept going faster and faster making it impossible to get off.  I figured I loved T enough and could make it work.  Boy, was I wrong.  A bad relationship is like drowning.  The more I felt myself go under the more I struggled and fought to remember who I was, who I wanted to be.  I didn't like the person I was in my marriage.  I wanted to be in my 20's.  My ex and I were very different.  He was very traditional.  I wasn't.  He wanted to stay home on the weekends.  I didn't.  He was ready to start a family.  I wasn't sure I would ever be ready.  Finally I made the choice to end my marriage.  As painful as that choice was to make it was more painful to remain married.  Neither of us were happy.  We both deserved better. 

Fast forward through 4 years of bad relationships and I have met Paul and am getting married again.  I was not sure when I got divorced that I would ever get to this place again.  I wasn't sure if I ever wanted to get married again.  Paul, having been divorced, felt the same way I think.  We just didn't see the need to get married until we spent a weekend with my BFF Cory and her husband Brian and their 6 month old daughter Abs.  We met them in NY over July 4th weekend to babysit Abs while they went to a wedding.  Paul and I realized on the way home that we wanted that...we wanted to be a family and we decided to get married on the next holiday weekend.

Labor Day weekend found us in Florida surrounded by a small group of family and friends, getting married on the beach by our friend Mimi.  We had a brunch afterwards and spent the rest of the day hanging out at the pool with our friends, enjoying cocktails and the sun.  It was the perfect weekend!

So what is different?  For one thing I am older and more mature.  When I turned 30 I found a certain peace in my life and I think that has made all the difference in the rest of my life.  I always encourage people to enjoy their 20's.  You grow and change so much during your 20's that I think only a rare few can navigate that time as married couples.  Most of us need that time to figure out who we are as people, much less as a spouse. 

Marriage is not about changing the fundamental things that make you who you are, but it is about learning to compromise.  Paul and I went into our relationship basically saying this is who we are, take it or leave it.  And we compromise.  Sometimes a lot.  You can't enter a relationship and not be willing to give a little.  It is not always your way.  If you aren't willing, can't, or don't want to compromise with your partner then you shouldn't be in a relationship.  Marriage is a partnership. 

Talk about the important things.  How do you feel about finances, raising children, where you want to live, family, religion, etc.  To me, those are deal breakers.  If you can't agree on those things then move on.  It's so important to be on the same page.

Learn to pick your battles.  Paul and I are not perfect by any means and we do occasionally pick at each other, push each others buttons, and get on each others nerves, but we also let go of thing very quickly.  There is nothing in our lives that is worth staying mad at each other over.  Paul knows if I say the words frying pan then its time to back off (going back to a time that he was annoying me and I told him I wanted to hit him with a frying pan).  We also get so frustrated some times that we end up laughing at each other and ourselves. 

Laughter.  We laugh all the time.  At each other, at ourselves, at our lives.  A marriage is not worth much if there's no laughter in it. 

Paul and I have already been through so many stressful things in our marriage (job loss, multiple moves, a miscarriage, a baby, medical disability) and now we are journeying through Paul's deployment to Afghanistan.  There will always be people in life who are in a better situation than you, but the flip side is that there will always be people worse off than you.  It's important to keep your life in perspective.  Put your spouse first and expect them to put you first. 

Maybe Paul and I cherish each other more because we've both been divorced.  We know how lucky we are to have found each other and we try to demonstrate that to each other every second of every day.  Marriage is work and the more work you put in the better your marriage will be.  I think an ability to be happy with yourself also leads to an ability to be happy in your marriage.  If you aren't happy or content in your own life then you won't be happy or content in your marriage. 

I don't have all the answers.  I live and learn new things every day and am constantly adjusting how I approach my marriage.  And I make sure I thank God every single day for my family--a husband that loves me and our daughter.