My Heart is Full Tonight

Boy, I am struggling tonight.  I am missing Paul something fierce and of course I've been catching up on my blogs and came across 2 that broke my heart.  The first was about a little baby boy who died after a reaction to the Hep B vaccine.  This freaked me out so badly that I texted my friend Rebekah (God love her for putting up with my craziness) and she assured me that since Emma has already had her first 2 doses then she is fine.  If you want to read more about Ian's story I will warn you that I cried for about an hour over my heart ache for this family.  You would think I'd learn my lesson by now in reading sad things...I can't even watch the SPCA commercials and have to change the channel when they come on or turn the volume off and shut my eyes.  I need to avoid sad stories about children all together. 

I then spent the rest of the night in a funk.  I just feel blah, blue, down, apathetic.  Emma is asleep and I know I need to shower and head to bed, but I just don't have any motivation.  It's a good thing I don't have any sweets in the house or I'd be chowing down.  I can usually fool myself during the day by keeping busy and really the daytime isn't much different because Paul would have been at work, but I am so lonely at night.  I miss Paul so much and he's only been gone 2 weeks.  I think time will go much faster and things will be much easier for me emotionally when I get to Florida because I'll be staying at my dad's.  They say absence makes the heart grow fonder and I think that will definitely be the case for us.  This hasn't even been the longest we've been apart before at 2 weeks, but it feels so different.  Maybe because I know Paul is halfway around the world in a war zone. 

The second thing that made me sad is Teri Lynn's story.  It makes me so sick the things we go to war for and yet children all over the world are suffering and the US does nothing.  I know its not the US's place to police the world, but it sometimes seems as if we are doing that already.  Why does this little human life mean nothing to us?  If I won the lottery I would build a beautiful orphanage for these little lambs.  It makes me cry to think that they never get to know the gentleness of the human touch much less the love of a mommy and daddy.  If I could I would be on a plane right now to give some of these children a home.  Maybe someday.  I pray every night for these babies and for our home to someday be opened to a sibling group in need of a family here in the US, but also to bring a child from overseas into our home.  I have actually been thinking of starting an adoption resource website in hopes of bringing more awareness to adoption and the need for adoptive parents.  I just need to learn how to build a website or find someone to teach me or do it for me.  Any volunteers?

Paul sent me his latest updates from his FOB and I posted it earlier tonight.  I laughed so hard at the thought of him trying to squeeze under his bed and then quickly sobered up when I read the part about the 3 soldiers who had been killed.  Death is a reality and a part of life in any war.  It's certainly the part I don't like to think about and yet for those serving our country overseas it probably is something that is always there slapping them in the face.  It may be easy to pretend your life is normal (what is normal when you're in a war?) over there until moments like those.  For whoever those soldiers were I'll say a prayer tonight.  I hope that I never get that call that their families have gotten because I can imagine few things worse.  Losing Emma, losing Paul...I shudder at the thought and am not sure how anyone survives that.  I guess you do though because you have to, but I certainly pray every night that I never find out if I can survive that.  It is already like half my heart is halfway around the world...the other half is here asleep in her crib. 

I'm glad I asked my PCM (the famous Rebekah) to up my zoloft because my chest is tight and my anxiety is rocking tonight.  I haven't felt anxiety this bad in 2 weeks.  Of course I also had a hard time sleeping last night and was up several times checking on Emma.  She is now rolling over and occasionally rolls onto her tummy during the night.  I know this is normal, but it makes me anxious!  All you hear now is "back to sleep" from everyone and it's so ingrained that it's hard to rest easy knowing she may flip onto her stomach during the night.  Plus I am a lunatic new mom on a good day.  Of course when I was growing up parents always put their babies to sleep on their tummies so I guess it's not too bad.  I made myself stay in bed and let her sleep on her tummy this morning and I was sure proud of myself.  If I only I had that much willpower in the trying to lose weight department. 

Well, I guess this is long enough.  I had planned on being in bed by now so I need to go let the dogs in and then I'll try to read a bit (fyi I love my Nook even though I don't have any Nook friends yet) although I'm pretty sure I've already read the book I'm reading. 

My goal for this week is to finish my to do list, give the dogs a bath, and go to church on Sunday!  And I have the deployed spouses group to look forward to on Thursday and then Friday I am getting a haircut thanks to eversave (thanks Brittney for turning me on to eversave...it's sort of like groupon).  Since my hair is falling out all over the place I figure I'll just cut most of it off and then let it grow again until Paul comes home.  It's a good thing that I have a lot of hair because of every living thing in our household I am the one shedding the most right now.  So gross.