Loss

"Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted." Matt 5:4

(written 4/3/12)


After I had my first miscarriage it seemed like people came out of the woodwork to tell me they too had had a miscarriage. I didn’t realize first pregnancy miscarriages were so common. I remember someone even telling me about their 4 or 5 miscarriages and saying to Paul that I didn’t think I could go through that. The loss of our first baby was so painful even though I was only 10 weeks along. I felt like my heart was breaking.

And then we had our Emma. She truly is the light of our lives and makes my heart feel overwhelmed with love for her and I know Paul feels the same way because we talk about it all the time.

About 2 weeks ago I had a positive home pregnancy test and a positive blood test. Because of my earlier miscarriage my ob sent me to the lab to have a blood test to check my hCG and progesterone levels. The hCG started off okay, but the progesterone was low. I’ve been going twice a week for blood tests and started on progesterone supplements.

To say the last 2 weeks have been a roller coaster would be an understatement. My hCG is slowly rising, but my progesterone would go up a little and down a little and up a little and down a lot. Hope and sadness played war with my emotions and overall I’ve just felt blah the last 2 weeks when I should be so excited about this baby. I’ve been realistic though in knowing that I most likely would miscarriage. My ob’s office has prepared me for that.

So based on some things that have happened yesterday and this morning I am pretty sure the miscarriage is happening. I go back for another blood test on Wednesday and then an ob appointment that afternoon. Honestly if I am going to miscarry then I just want it over with. I just want a resolution. This uncertainty is hard.

I keep telling myself that I just need to know that God has everything planned and all in control, but honestly I never pictured myself as the person who would have multiple miscarriages. That is a club I never wanted to join. Pregnancy is supposed to be natural. It’s what women’s bodies are born to do. I mean if you are between the ages of 12 and 17 you can get pregnant and carry a baby with no problems. If you are established in your life and in a stable relationship then climbing Mount Everest might be easier than pregnancy apparently.

But this experience, this loss, makes me realize what an even more amazing blessing Emma is, the fact that despite ALL the issues I had during that pregnancy, that I carried her past term, and that she’s here in our lives…God definitely had His hand in her for sure. And if she’s the only baby that I ever get to carry then I can only give thanks to God for that and rest secure in the knowledge that she won’t be the only child we have because we are committed to adopting.

So, that’s that. This is where we are. It’s nice to know that our marriage is strong as we continue to weather many storms. And if miscarriage, coupled with a couple things that happened to me when I was in my 20’s, are what God thinks I can handle then I am good with that.