Although I have struggled with anxiety in the past I've worked really hard to get that under control. Of course you'd think being a clinical social worker I'd have the under control thing down pat. I mean I do counsel people on anxiety for a living or at least I used to when I had a job. But counseling other people and counseling yourself are by far two different things. I think everyone should go to counseling and so I've spent years in counseling to work on various issues. Any time in my life that I'm struggling and want an objective opinion I head off to the therapists office (always an LCSW, never an LMHC...I'm a snob like that--and only people in those fields will know what I'm talking about lol). I have spent most of my adult life being a worst case scenario kind of person (I even have the board game) and making little plans in my head about how I'd get out of the house in case of a fire, what I'd do to save myself and my pets (pre-Emma) in case of a tornado, how I'd fight off a home invader, how I'd survive a shark attack, etc., etc. (Do you see why I like to stay busy? It keeps the crazy at bay). I really need to start doing yoga again.
So, this whole new mom thing has completely thrown me for a loop! Not only do I now worry about my heart (despite the 2 normal echocardiograms and a normal CAT scan) because I still have palpitations (which is sort of like the chicken and the egg--am I anxious b/c of the palpitations or are the palpitations b/c I'm anxious? The cardiologist also told me that it's hormonal and my heart should return to its normal rhythm once these pregnancy hormones are out of my system), but I also worry about Emma!
I mean I knew I'd worry about Emma, but I believe it is my sheer will power that is keeping her alive! Realistically I know my will power is not fueling her life. When we were in the hospital I was able to sleep b/c I knew the nursery staff would watch over her at night (and take advantage of the nursery I did even though the night I spent in the ICU I called the nursery at 2am to check on her, but they told me I could). When we brought her home I was the only one to watch over her at night. Okay, Paul is here, but he'd sleep through the fire, tornado, home invader.
I thought having Emma sleep in the pack & play bassinet at the foot of our bed would be great. Not so much. It's hard to crawl to the end of the bed, bend over the footboard, and reach down to touch her chest and make sure she's breathing when you are recovering from a c-section. Plus Paul caught me a few times and waking up to my huge ass bent over in front of him is an image that no person should have to see right now.
So, we decided to do something that I NEVER thought I'd do...co-sleep! I sort of always made fun of my friends whose 5 year old was still sleeping in bed with them (gosh I hope we don't get to that point), but I knew if I was going to get any sort of rest I needed Emma closer to me at night. We went out and bought a Summer Infant Rest Assured sleeper and Emma sleeps in our bed in between us. I still check on her through out the night (during the 2 hours that I'm not feeding her), but at least now I don't have to get out of bed to do it. And I'm not ashamed to say that I also sleep on my side facing her with my arm draped over the top of the sleeper touching her side. It's actually more comfortable than it sounds. Paul's fear is that Emma will still be sleeping in the co-sleeper when he gets back from deployment and I have to admit she just might be. But I have slept since she's started sleeping with us.
Last night my wonderful husband kept Emma downstairs with him and did a feeding with pumped milk/formula so I could go up early and get some rest (Emma had gotten up at 3am that morning and didn't go back to sleep). Having those extra few hours of sleep has made a huge difference and I actually feel almost human today. Not fully human, but almost.
Of course I dreamt about The Jersey Shore all night last night. WTF! I guess watching 2 episodes in a row yesterday was a little too much Shore. Just slightly disturbing to say the least. lol I also dreamt Paul and I got an overseas deployment with our friends Chelsea & George!
What was your new mom anxiety and how did you cope with it?
I definitely had issues checking Avery throughout the night. At first he was in our room in his bouncer on the other side of the room, but I kept having to get out of bed to check on him 40 times a night. So, we moved the bouncer on to my side of the bed. It sits on the floor, so I could sleep on my side facing him and hear him breathing, reaching down to touch him if I needed to. Our bed wasn't big enough for co-sleeping and Jon was terrified of rolling over on the baby, so this worked out for us. It wasn't until he was just over a month old that we finally moved him to the nursery, but I still check on him if I wake up during the night.
ReplyDeleteCouldn't you just move the crib you had at the end of the bed next to the bed?
ReplyDeleteAnd I love that you dreamed about being stationed with us. Maybe we can all get stationed together somewhere in the near future!