Monday, December 1, 2008

Babies babies everywhere and not a drop to drink

I had a girl's lunch over the weekend with 2 friends I've know since elementary school. And around us where all our friends and family were procreating like rabbits sat the three of us...all childless, but in relationships (well, they were both married).

When you hit a certain age you begin to notice certain things changing around you. I have noticed that quite a lot of people I know (friend and foe alike) have profile pictures of themselves with their children. And I think why? Not why do they have the pictures up because who doesn't love adorable little babies and kids, but why are all these people rushing to have babies?

It's almost as if they hit a certain age and went "Oh, I'm 25 now (or 27 or 30), time to have a baby." Like hitting the little kid lottery. And a LOT of women I went to high school with are on their 2nd or 3rd kid at this point whereas I haven't even given much thought to one.

Yes, there are times I think I'd like to be a mom and then there are times that I think hell no. I'm 31 and yet sometimes I find it hard to believe I'm over 30 at all and I really feel that if my eggs weren't aging by the day and I had an infinite number of years left to get pregnant and have a healthy baby that I'd wait forever.

There are so many things to do in this world and so many more things I'd like to do. Maybe the people I know have done all the things they ever dreamed of and that's why they made the choice to have a baby or maybe having a baby was the thing they dreamed of. It never was for me. Sometimes I worry that I'm defective because I don't have that overly strong biological clock. I don't hear ticking in my every thought and every waking moment. Kids love me. I love kids. But do I want one clinging to my neck every second of every day? I'm not so sure. At least for right now.

And yet my age is at war with my desire to be selfish and unparenting. I routinely think "Oh my god. I'm going to be 32 soon. I don't want to be an old parent." But I also routinely think "God I'd love to go live in Paris or Tuscany for a summer and drink wine and eat cheese." There are so many things I enjoy doing. I like that I can get up and do what I want without a second thought. I like that Paul and I can take spontaneous weekend trips and only have to worry about if our petsitter is available or there is room at the kennel. A baby would change that, but would it change it for the better?

And I think that is the question that needs to be answered...would a baby change my life for the better? And until I can answer that question...selfish Jenn wins every time.

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