My little trouble maker

Our fear in having 2 daughters has always been that the toddler is going to be the quiet one.  If you know the toddler then you know that there is not a quiet bone in her body.  She is constantly moving, singing, dancing and all at a volume and pitch that brings all the dogs to the yard.  I am fairly certain that my ears bleed at times.

Every time the toddler yells, the baby is not to be outdone and mimics whatever the toddler is doing..  It's super fun in the car. 

And I think our fears are going to be realized as the baby is the daredevil.  She has no fear.  Her favorite activities are to steal dog food from the dish in the kitchen and then when I get up to dig the food out of her mouth she crawls as fast as she can to the dog crate, crawls in, and closes the door.  She also has figured out how to crawl up the 2 stairs to the powder room and she will go in there, in the dark, and shut the door so that she can unravel the toilet roll and play with the toddler's little potty.  I know.  It grosses me out, too.  And then today she crawled into the dishwasher.  I am fairly certain her Godmother is preparing to call social services. 

If you follow me on Instagram or Twitter (Blessed_Jenn is my name on both) then you will see all her antics.  Little stinker!

Obsession: Theo James and The Rock

You know why movies like Twilight and Hunger Games and Divergent are so popular...not because millions of screaming young girls go to see them.  No, no, no.  It's because bored, stay at home moms flock to the theaters in droves to spend time remembering how it was to be young, and hot, and sexy, and cool. 

My friend and I went to see Divergent last month.  I had just read the book and she had read the whole series.  I put on my mom jeans, my nursing tank top, and Toms shoes and off we went.  A giant bucket of popcorn later and we were settled in for the movie. 

OMG.  I didn't really like the lead female actress.  I just didn't buy her as the love interest of

Holy hotness on a stick.  In case you didn't recognize him he also played Mr. Pamuk on Downton Abbey (the guy that Mary killed with her hot sex). 

For years  awhile Dwayne Johnson has been numbers 1 through 5 on my list.  I mean come on

LOOK AT HIM.  I mean he's not as sexy as my husband, but he's up there.  I'm not gonna lie.  I may be willing to lick sweat off his body.  Or not.  I'm just saying.  Apparently he has a house near us and I have already told my hubby that if I met him I was going to sleep with him.  Why wouldn't The Rock want The Marshmellow in his bed?

Seeing Theo James in Divergent has taken over one spot in my list.  Sorry Dwayne.  Even if you have zero interest in seeing Divergent for the movie itself, get yourself some wine in a plastic water bottle and head over to the theater.  You will not regret it.  That is actually how I've seen most of Dwayne's movies. 

Now if you'll excuse me I need to go watch Journey 2: The Mysterious Island.

Obsession: Target

Every women in the world loves Target.  There is something about that glowing red bullseye that brings joy to the hearts of millions of stay at home moms everywhere.  And if you don't love Target because you have to be all different then don't admit that.  It just makes it seem like there's something unnatural about you.  I know you're probably tempted to comment on here about how you only shop small business or giant box stores or who gives a crap.  I'm here to tell you that the 5 other people that read this blog will judge you.  They will judge you harshly. 

Much like the high from a crack pipe, when you enter Target you lose all sense of time and responsibility.  I'm here to tell you how to get out with your dignity intact...or at least alive and without sacrificing a month's pay in one trip.

1)  If you have to bring your screaming heathen children with you then I suggest you bypass the toy aisles.  Generally on the left side of the store after the electronics, trust me when I say there is nothing you need over there.  Your kid does not need an overpriced, but on sale Disney Princess or a pool toy for the pool you don't have (You aren't gonna use the community pool that much.  Let go of that thought right now.  It's going to be hot.  You're fat.  And they don't let you bring alcohol to the pool.  Move on.  Move on I say!).  They keep the dollar bins on the same side.  You grab your cart and you run.  Run right by there!  You don't need a plastic basket that you think will look cute in your bathroom.  It won't.  No one needs a plastic basket.  Your kids have enough crayons.  Just because they are $1 does not mean you need them.  Be strong. 

2)  If by some miracle of the Holy One upstairs you get to go to Target sans children do not go to the clothing aisle.  Yes, those 5 for $25 Mossimo tank tops seem like a good deal, but unless you  have arms like Michelle Obama and a stomach like a Victoria's Secret model then they aren't for you.  If you must go into the clothing aisle then be wary.  They have a discreetly marked maternity section and it will trick you.  You'll feel like you won the lottery when you find that super cute blouse that covers up your 5 kids and 50 lbs overweight midsection until you realize that you've stumbled into the maternity section.  Don't cry.  It's happened to all of us and no one wants to see the ugly cry in the middle of Target.  There is no crying in Target.

When your husband asks why you were gone for 5 hours when you said you were just running to the store, mumble something about your period, tampons, and long lines.  His eyes will glaze over as he searches desperately for an escape.  Men do not like to hear about menstrual anything.   Laugh wickedly as he runs upstairs.

3)  Don't be scared to have ask your cashier to ring up 15 separate orders so you can use your gift cards from purchasing 8 boxes of diapers and 17 cans of formula on 25 separate orders.  That shits expensive.   You gotta save money where you can.  Ignore the glares of the working class citizens who mistakenly thought they could run to Target on their lunch break.  It's important that they learn how stupid they are.  Target during the day is for stay at home moms.  We don't go into their offices and muck things up during the day.  If they dare to make a snarky comment then whip out a boob and start breastfeeding right there at the cash register.  That will make them think twice about opening their mouth. 

4)  Somehow Target has teemed up with Starbucks to offer additional crack in their stores.  Plan your trips to Target according to when you need a Starbucks pick me up.  And if you use your Redcard you get 5% off so it's practically free.  Get 2 lattes.  Hell, get 3.  You deserve something to keep you from killing yourself later when your beautiful spawns of the devil refuse to nap because they can sense how tired you are from their middle of the night choir of hysterical crying.  Their crying.  Heck, who are we kidding.  You were probably crying right along with them. 

5)  Get the cartwheel app on your phone.  Why yes you do need those new outdoor pillows that are 15% off with the cartwheel app.  Again, with the additional 5% off from using your Redcard they are free.  Free I tell you!  It's simple mathematics.  If you stick to buying things that you find on the cartwheel app then you will save money AND have a beautifully decorated home by Threshhold for Target as well as more Market Pantry snacks than you could ever use.  While they probably aren't the healthiest snacks in the world statistically speaking your kid is probably going to be obese from your weekly trips to Chik Fil A anyways so who cares.   

If you follow my 5 simple rules then your trips to Target will be much simpler and more pleasant.  Thank you for shopping at Target.

Obsession: Cadbury Eggs

I started to think about all the things I've become obsessed with over the years.  Much of it centers around reality tv and celebrities, but that is neither here nor there.  When you are a stay at home mommy you have to find things to occupy your mind other than whose pooped and who needs to poop.  Sure I could learn something new or be productive, but what fun is that.

Since the Easter candy season is upon, I have been gorging myself on Cadbury Eggs.

I know they sell them pretty much year round now, but there is something wrong about eating a Cadbury Egg at Halloween.  I save them for Easter only so that they're special...

Now I don't eat just regular old Cadbury Eggs. 

You have not LIVED until you've had a chocolate Cadbury Egg.  It has to be better than crack.  Possibly even better than Target.  Gasp.  Shock.  I know, I know!  But trust me.  Run, don't walk, to CVS or the grocery and buy as many of these heavenly goodies as you can.  Your mouth will thank you. 

And then in looking up Cadbury Egg pictures (again, could be doing so much more with my time) I came across this glory...

Surely this is a gift from God himself.  A brownie with a Cadbury Egg baked into it.  OMG.  In an effort to stay less than 300 lbs I will be walking to the local Food Lion today to purchase brownie mix so that I can make these tonight.  If hubby is lucky I will even make him some without the glory that is the Cadbury Egg because he doesn't like them (I don't know what's wrong with him either).  Here is the link to the website with the recipe.  Seems pretty straight forward.  Probably putting icing on them will send me into a diabetic coma, but I am willing to risk it for you, my loyal readers, all 4 of you. 

In other shocking news, I have not had Starbucks since March 10th.  Gasp.  I know!  I gave it up for Lent.  I know Lent started the 5th.  I was driving to and from Florida by myself with my 2 young children and there was no way on earth I was doing that without Starbucks.  I'm not gonna lie.  I may tear up a little every time I pass the Starbucks at Target without stopping, but I feel good.  I mean hello if I can't give up Starbucks for God then there is something wrong with me.  I thought about giving up wine, but come on.  Everyone has limits.  And Jesus drank wine.  He wouldn't want me to suffer. 

I hear the baby in her crib.  I guess I should go get her.  She is staring straight up at the monitor.  I'm pretty sure she knows I am watching her. 

Snow

I'm watching the 10 o'clock news and they are talking about the snow as if it has snowed 8 feet here in Virginia.

First off, schools were closed today and are already closed tomorrow. WTF! I took my toddler and 2 dogs for a walk this afternoon. 

Secondly,  don't interview people who are digging their cars out of 1/2 inch of snow with a snow shovel. Seriously? !?!  Of course the UVA med school resident they talked to hoped he'd be able to get his car out. Out of what?  There's hardly any snow!

Maybe it's just because we moved here from MA and have more snow experience but come on VA! I remember going out to lunch in the snow and my car sliding down a hill because of the streets being so snowy.

The hubby even got sent home early today.

That's my rant.

Mommy Got Screwed

 

The hubby was off work this morning and under his watchful eye THIS happened to the baby.  No, that's not blood.  She ate a crayon and by ate, well part of that seems self explanatory, used her mouth to draw all over the carpet.  Maybe she is an artist and has created a new medium of mouth art on carpet.  This all occurs while I am COOKING him breakfast and making the toddler's lunch as he checks facebook.

I then believe the hubby has a meeting at 10am and he was told graciously offered to take the dogs to the kennel on his way.  As I am trying to herd a very reluctant toddler out the door he asks about the baby "You're taking her with you, right?"  I think  he has to leave so I say yes.  

Drive to school, get both kids in, change the toddler's shoes, wash her hands, bundle the baby back into the car, and head home.  

Guess who is still home?  THE HUBBY!  

So, A) you could've kept the baby or B) you could've taken the toddler to school!  

Being a single parent is hard.  And as such I've already left the hubby to a friend in my will so I know that he and the girls will be taken of.  

Easy Bake Oven Fail

In our infinite parenting wisdom, Santa brought the toddler an easy bake oven. She loves to bake and the 8+age range did not deter us in our quest to make our little girl happy.

Foolishly we did not realize her interest in baking in the easy bake would last approximately 3 and 1/2 minutes and not the 30 minutes the entire process takes. Hubby and I have baked a lot of VERY tiny desserts.

Yesterday the toddler and I made chocolate chip cookies. I use the words chocolate chip and cookies loosely.

The dough was supposed to make 12 cookies. Perhaps the fact that as I turned to spray the pan the toddler started shoveling raw dough into her mouth kept us from that goal, but I failed to see how 12 cookies could have even fit onto a pan the size of my palm. 

I gamely rolled out the dough (again a very loose interpretation of the word dough) into 8 balls and squished them onto the pan.

We waited the 9 minutes, our anticipation high. The directions depicted big, fluffy cookies. 

The timer went off. I'll let the picture speak for itself.

Massage

Every year for my birthday the hubby gets me a spa gift certificate and I LOVE IT!  It might take me 6 months to actually use, but I still know it's there, sitting like a special secret, just waiting for my desperation for alone time to reach def com five. 

Before we left for Florida I used the mani/pedi portion of my gift AND scheduled my massage for today.  Lying there I started to think about how odd professional massages are.  You are lying NAKED (or near naked) on a table while someone rubs oil onto your body.  I mean you are half way from an encounter with a hooker (if the masseuse was naked you'd only have 1/4 left to go).

I've had some awesome massages (today included) and some sketchy massages and, as tempted as I was, I have never been to any of those places advertised on billboards along I75 (but if you know someone who has PLEASE let me know)...you know those places that advertise parking for truckers and private rooms (I've never had a massage that wasn't in a private room so not sure why THAT is a big draw).  Perhaps my next drive down south I'll make a little pit stop to see what's going on up in there.

When I lived in Cincy I went with  my former mother in law for massages.  All we knew is that one of us had a female and one of us had a male.  Being an older, proper woman she did not want the male and as I watched the flamboyantly gay male walk through the room to get his next client I volunteered for the male, assuming that it would be him. 

I heard my name called and looked up expecting to see my oh so gay masseuse.  Um, not so much.  He was hot with a capital H.  Like the kind of hot that if he offered you a happy ending you would've said yes.  And all I could think about was I should've shaved, I should've showered, I shouldn't have worn these granny panties...FOR THE ENTIRE MASSAGE.  Needless to say I did not get a happy ending.  Sigh.

Another time my friend Mary, who had never had a massage, booked us to get massages and facials.  She got her massage while I got my facial and then we switched.  Well, the masseuse was a man and I spent the entire massage wondering if my nipples were showing because he had covered them with a washcloth so that he could massage my stomach (what is that!) and then waiting to be molested.  Let's just say that Chester the Molester did NOT make me feel relaxed.  He was close enough that one slip of the finger and let's just say the police may have been involved.

Luckily I've gained enough weight that massaging my stomach is no longer even offered.  I'm glad because that shit is weird.

And my fave of all times is getting a massage back home, totally naked, the female masseuse holds the sheet up so I can roll over and as my naked self is rolling over she says, "Did you go to Venice High School?"  Um, yes.  Not sure why seeing me naked made you recognize me seeing as you went to the alternative school AND weren't even in my graduating class, but were a year younger.  I guess when you are this fabulous...(the other options were too horrifying to contemplate).

I still love me a massage though.  

Now excuse me while I finish my wine and pistachios.  

2014

Happy New Year!  In true fashion I am only 3 days late in wishing everyone happy new year.  Sigh.  And you may have noticed that I haven't blogged in a coons age.  There have been a lot of times that I intend to blog, but I have been lazy. 

It's easy to lose yourself as a mom.  Your days are spent making breakfast, making lunches, breastfeeding, feeding, laundry, whatever cleaning you can squeeze in, and making dinner.  I am uber impressed with mom's who are motivated to do other things like blog and work out and not look homeless.  When I drop the toddler off at school I generally look like I'm rolling up after an all night kegger at the frat house.  Sigh. 

So this year I am finding myself again.  2014 is going to be the year of me.  Well as me as I can get with 2 small children to care for.  I am starting with a facebook hiatus for the month of January.  I just read something that said social media is as addictive as gambling and I believe that.  My days started and ended with checking my facebook, not to mention all the parts in the middle.  I feel like I can't even be stopped at a traffic light without picking up my phone and that is not the person I want to be.  I want social media to be a fun diversion, not my whole life. 

We have been in Florida for 2 weeks and head home on Sunday.  It has been fun, but I am ready to get home although I sort of am wondering what craziness possessed me when I thought I could drive home with just the girls and myself.  The hubby asked me on the trip down, when both girls were crying, if I was still glad I decided to drive home without him.  Um, hell no.  I made a poor choice.  Oh well.  We'll make it. 

The toddler will be 3 before we know it and the baby is the size of most 1 year olds.  And even though I haven't slept in 3.5 years and I look like an old hag I wouldn't change any of it. 

And hopefully I can start blogging regularly again. 

Extreme Cheapskate

TLC has a show called Extreme Cheapskate.  We don't have cable right now so we watched about 25 episodes of this show on Netflix the other day.  The Learning Channel did it's job.  I learned something about being a cheapskate.  All the extreme cheapskates have many quirks in common.  I'm now going to teach you how to become an extreme cheapskate.

1) Being a cheapskate means you have to forgo toilet paper.  Toilet paper is a waste of money.  That's right...a waste of money!  Now how you can deal with your bodily wastes varies.  One woman chose to pee into an apple juice bottle, which she kept next to the toilet, which she then used in her composting.  Several people chose to use just soap and water.

2) You can't flush the toilet.  You can save your shower water and then use that to flush the toilet.  Apparently you can save 30 whole dollars a year this way.  You can also just flush the toilet once per week.

3) You have to wear the same clothes that you bought in 1983.  Don't worry about the elastic being stretched out.  You just get yourself a binder clip and use that to hold your shorts up.  Don't worry about your clothes matching either.  They won't.  Plan on going to thrift stores that sell clothes to raise money for their charity and offering to pay way less than the $5 price tag.  Act surprised when they don't accept your offer. 

4)  You have to eat food out of dumpsters.  It's called dumpster diving.  Wear gloves.  Just ignore those bugs.  You can wash that shit off.  Just remember to dress up like a homeless person so that grocery stores are less likely to chase you off.  It's easy to do since all your clothes from 1983 now have holes in them.

5)  You cannot use your appliances for their stated purpose.  One woman thought paying $17 a month for gas was a waste of money so she bought a 2 burner electric stove to cook her dumpster dive food.  This way you can use your appliances for storage.  And the dishwasher can also double as a washing machine.  Just throw your clothes in with the 2 dishes you have.

6)  You cannot buy furniture.  Dumpster dive is the way to go.  One woman furnished her entire apartment in NYC with furniture she had gotten from dumpsters.

7)  You have to have a very low sense of personal cleanliness.  Showering and washing clothes separately wastes a ton of money so you wear your clothes into the shower, soap them up, and then hang them up to dry.  You can make your own deodorant out of corn starch and coconut oil or you can use corn starch to cover your entire body to keep cool (sort of like how an elephant uses dirt) because you can't have air conditioning. 

8)  You cannot pay for things.  Any things.  You may be a millionaire, but you never get to enjoy your money because you are cheap.

9)  You have to be able to forage for your own salad fixings from local parks and your backyard.  You may not find lettuce, but you'll find at least 3 other edible weeds to mix together.  Wash the animal pee off and you have a fantastic salad. 

10)  If someone offers you a free place to live or stay you take it.  It doesn't matter if it's a mattress under a bridge, if it's free then you are sleeping or living there.  Ignore the asbestos walls, lead paint, or 1960's decor.   Cheapskates can't be choosy.

11)  You have to border on being a hoarder and you can't clean or organize anything in your house. 

12) Hang a clothes line up in your house.  Use it to dry paper towels so you can reuse them, hang up dental floss to reuse, reuse coffee grounds/tea bags 6 times, etc.  A clothes line in your house is a versatile place to store things.

13)  You have to let go of any sense of personal pride or self respect.  People will think you are weird and/or crazy or both what with your 1983 clothes with the holes in them and your lack of showering.  That's okay.  They don't appreciate any of what I've said above.   You won't have to worry about it for long because eventually you won't have any friends.  People tend not to come over for dinner when they know you'll be serving dumpster dive food.  More for you that way!  Plus then you don't have to listen to complaints about how hot your house is from your lack of air conditioning.

And remember...free is the way to be!

Honey Badger is to baby as a king cobra is to _________________________

Breastfeeding.  The answer is breastfeeding.  Let me break it down for you.

1) Much like honey badger, baby don't care.  She just don't care. 

2)  Honey badger eats cobras and will relentlessly pursue the cobra.  This is how I feel when I pick up the baby.  It's like being attacked by a honey badger.  She is going to get a boob in her mouth and she isn't going to stop until she wins.

3)  Much like the bite of the cobra can knock out honey badger temporarily so can breast milk knock out the baby.  Temporarily.  Very very temporarily. 

4)  Eat, sleep, poop...this applies to both honey badger and baby.

5) Much like the honey badger, the baby sleeps in whatever awkward position she lands in.

6) Both baby and honey badger eat constantly.  As in all the time.  

7) Honey badgers and babies...they just take what they want.  And poor boobies and cobras are the ones to suffer!

5)

Give Back Yoga Foundation

Everyone once in awhile something gets brought to my attention and I think wow, that's pretty amazing...this is one of those times. 

The Give Back Yoga Foundation was started by a former World Bank project manager who decided to do something different with his life.  The Give Back Yoga Foundation states that 1 in 3 soldiers deployed to the Middle East return with serious mental health issues, such as depression, traumatic brain injury, and PTSD.  That is a scary and sad figure. 

Their goal for the upcoming year, "To bring our Yoga For Veterans Toolkits, developed by expert teachers with years of experience in working with soldiers with post-traumatic stress, to at least 10,000 veterans across the country."

The website is pretty amazing and I urge you to head over there and check it out.  They have tons of great projects going on.  The practice of yoga can have a profound impact on a person's life and here is one organization working to use that practice to change lives.  

Namaste!

Fall in Love with Thirty-One!

Hello friends!

I would love to share with you the fall catalog from Thirty-One! If you would like your very own copy,
please complete the very brief survey by clicking the link:  https://www.surveymonkey.com/s/NHMS788
When you complete this survey, you will get a fall catalog in the mail and be entered in a drawing for a FREE
product plus have a chance to earn the SPECIAL INCENTIVE below!

The last day to order from the fall catalog will be Friday, December 20th!  Don't miss out on all the beautiful patterns and products in this catalog!


SPECIAL INCENTIVE- When you schedule and hold a party with me
between November 1st and December 1st, I will send you a FREE Snowman Icon
Coin Purse to you - it's one of my favorite new products!
It is super cute and will make the perfect Christmas present! 


Thank you for allowing me to be your Thirty-One consultant!

Jenn McArtor
Independent Consultant
www.mythirtyone.com/jennmcartor31

The views expressed on the blog or website are mine alone and don’t represent views of Thirty-One.

Fashion Challenged

It becomes more apparent to me every single day that I am fashion challenged.  As in Stacy and Clinton would throw away ALL MY CLOTHES AND SHOES and they would STARE AT ME WITH PITY AND UNADORNED DISGUST.  Living where we currently are has only made it more apparent how seriously awful I have become at dressing myself. 

For example, I went to get a coffee last week at a little coffee shop.  In the coffee shop was a fabulously dressed gay man with a Louis Vuitton bag for his laptop, a college girl with 2 different shoes on...2 DIFFERENT SHOES...when the f*ck did that become the style?  Is that the style?  Did I miss something?  They were the same color hue, but different shoes.  I was so confused.  And then another girl came with in the cutest dress with a scarf and boots.

People in our town are all about the brown boots.  Sadly, I went and bought a pair just to fit in.  Granted I am too fat to wear them with tiny dresses or leggings, but that didn't stop me from buying leggings at which I shuddered because my belief has always been just because they make leggings in your size does not always mean you should wear them and here I am...horrifying the world with my legs...in leggings.  Big ole leggings.  And not even fashionable leggings (because those most definitely don't come in my size), but the kind they sell at Target or as seen on tv by the people that make the genie bra (which rocks by the way).

Now I went to a pretty ritzy college and those kids ain't got nothing on these UVA students.  I have never seen college students so dressed up.  Hello.  You are in college.  Why are you wearing a suit and tie?  Where are your sweatpants?  Why are you in a dress (and not the Lilly Pulitzer crap that girls at my college wore, but like super stylish with the boots)?  Where are your flip flops?   Why are you not hungover? 

Even the other moms in my bible study group show up looking cute with their braided hair and scarfs and boots and jewelry and hair done and good personalities.  I look like the Dobby the house elf dressed me out of his closet after he had a schizophrenic break down. 

Them

Me

 So as much as we love it here, we can't retire here because my self esteem couldn't handle it.

Sigh...

My loves

WTF Hannah Montana

Because my husband loves me so much he asked me one day if I had seen the Miley Cyrus Wrecking Ball video.  So I watched in one day.  On my smart tv.  And now I want to scrub my eyes with bleach.  And because I'm a nice person I want to share it with you.  I will warn you...once you watch it you can never unsee it.  Never.  Ever.  It will haunt your dreams until you wake up screaming.  You will want to poke your own eyes out with the first object you can find even if it's your own fingers. 

Now that you want to bash your head into the wall until you lose consciousness, can we just talk about wtf happened to Hannah Montana?  When did Miley Cyrus become a prepubescent boy?  Do you think Billy Ray and his wife sit up at night and wonder where they went so horribly wrong?  And why do all Disney stars become freaks when they grow up?  These are the questions that plague me. 

And if you are still reading and haven't jumped out the highest floor you have in your house to get those images out of your head then check this out http://www.buzzfeed.com/mjs538/what-miley-cyrus-was-trying-to-do-at-the-vmas-vs-what-miley.

Oh, Miley. You are the train wreck we can't stop watching.  I sort of wish a wrecking ball would hit me in the head though so I can get the images of your video out of my head.

The Best Gifts

As I left yesterday to go do a Thirty-One party for a friend, I was holding my toddler and hugging her goodbye.  I felt something sort of splashing on my feet as she says, "I peed."  I look down and urine is dripping down her legs onto my feet. 

Nothing says I love you mom like a golden shower.  The best gifts don't come from the heart...they come from the bladder.

Stellar Parenting

You know you're a mom when there is urine in the console of your mini van. 

Yesterday, sitting in the van in the Target parking lot, nursing the baby, the toddler climbs up onto the console between the front seats.  She then proceeds to fall off backwards onto the floor.  As she is falling I notice a huge puddle on the console.  Her pull up had leaked, soaking her dress, and dripping down her legs as she stood up. 

I tell the toddler to get a baby wipe and clean up the pee.  She does and then wipes her face with the same wipe that she just used to clean up pee.

I finished nursing the baby, wiped the toddler down with a baby wipe, dislocated my shoulder trying to kill a bee that I saw in the back of the van, threw the toddler in the back of the cart, and off we went into Target. 

I am kicking ass at this parenting shit!

Day 2

I just finished my T25 cardio since I am supposed to work out so I can maintain my girlish figure and make my husband happy.  I figured it was time to hook up with Arlene.

Today's lesson in the art of a happy husband actually wasn't too bad.  Even though she phrased it as the wife's job is to praise the husband and give him positive reinforcement 24/7 so that they can live in an environment where they can feel successful (um hey Arlene what about my recognition and praise?  Where's the responsibility of the husband in that?  I'm lucky because my hubby actually does praise me and I think we have done the work to make sure we aren't taking each other for gratitude even if we are just thanking each other for cooking dinner or cleaning out the dishwasher). 

I took this chapter to be more about letting hubby parent in his style.  This is something I was warned about before hubby deployed a couple years ago...that it would be hard for him to be gone so long and then hard for me to give up the reigns and control and parenting when he returned.  And it was!  I had to bite my tongue a lot and let hubby parent in his own way because his way and my way aren't always the same and that's okay. 

So, my fear in doing T25 is that I will be the person who doesn't lose an inch or pound.  I know I have to make a lot some dietary changes.  Instead of going balls to the wall and failing, I am going to try to add in more healthy options.  I passed up a pumpkin scone at Starbucks today even though I was hungry and came home and ate a salad for lunch and then I had a plum for a snack this afternoon.  I've cut way down on the amount of sugar I use in my coffee and I found a yogurt I really like that I think will satisfy me if I need something sweet.  I am trying to love myself and all extra 60lbs of me and stop being so hard on myself for being overweight.  And I'm enjoying success as a Thirty-One consultant! Check out www.mythirtyone.com/jennmcartor31 and let me know if you want to order or host a virtual party!

31 Days to a Happy Husband

Does it still count as exercise if you walk to Food Lion and buy wine?  Don't judge me.  Our Food Lion is brand new and really nice.  And bonus!  When I was there today I found this book

 

Of course I had to buy it so I could make sure my man is happy.  And it only takes 31 days so score!  Paul is excited that I am blogging about this book as he expects me to do every suggestion for the next month.  I wasn't sure whether to laugh or punch him.

First off, let's talk about the author...the female author.  WTF are you thinking Arlene????  Our dear friend Arlene also authored 31 Days to a Younger You in case you're an old hag like me.  Her claim to fame as been appearing on the 700 Club, The Hour of Power, and a show on TLC called Home Made Simple.  She lives, with her happy husband (seriously it says that) in So Cal.  

The introduction of the book is called "Are You Still Dreaming?"  Apparently, because I am still reading this book.  My fave section talks about how she interviewed 31 happy husbands and she tells me to choose which month " to soak your husband in tender loving care."  That sounds fun.  Can I also soak his dirty underwear and clothes in clorox and his steak dinner in marinade?  

Marriage quiz time...if you are like me then you are an abysmal failure.  Apparently my husband is the unhappiest man on the planet.  

1.  The environment of my home is warm and peaceful on most days. 

         Um, my home is a shit show every day.  Shit Show.  My home is loud and chaotic every. single. day.

2.  I drop other things (even with my kids) to make time for my husband if he needs anything.

         Um, WTF Arlene.  Is it 1855?  My husband is capable of getting himself a snack or a drink or wiping his own ass.  My 2 year old and 4 month old are not.  But thanks for this stellar advice.

3.  I never say unkind things about my husband to others.

         What the hell would I talk about with my girlfriends then?

4.  If there's a decision to be made, my husband has the final say.

          Yes, because I live in the 19th century.  Fingers crossed that women will be allowed to vote someday and slavery will end.  

5.  I enjoy having sex and look forward to making love to my husband.

         Is this an and/or statement?  60lbs overweight and 3 hours of sleep a night...sure, bring it on.  If you impregnate me again I will cut you.

6.  My husband and I talk regularly about ways to improve our sex life.      

        Sure.  After we talk about his work trips, the children, the house, the dogs, our friends, our family....oh wait, what was the question?

7.  I make an effort to look attractive with my clothes, hair, and makeup even on days when I see only my husband.

       This made me pee on the couch laughing.  Arlene clearly has not read my posts on my grooming and my resemblance to various animals.  Oh Arlene.  I will try not to look like a homeless person at least one day a week.  

8.  I am a healthy body weight and exercise at least 3 times a week.

       If by healthy you mean 60lbs overweight and if by exercise you mean my arm muscles lifting my wine glass and dessert fork then yes, this statement is true.

9.  My husband and I go on a date at least once a month.

      We go on a date as much as I get to go to the bathroom by myself.

10.  We still enjoy romance, kissing once a day for at least five seconds.

         Well, let me get out my watch.  We're lucky if we get to spend five seconds in the same room.  Does it count if you kiss 5 times for 1 second?  

According to relationship expert Arlene and all the letters after her name for all the schooling she has done in psychology (I must've missed them in the author bio) my relationship is on "shaky ground. Reading this book is perfect timing." before we get divorced or he kills me in a murder/suicide scenario because I've made him so unhappy with my horrific lack of wifelyness.    

Apparently I have a lot of work to do over the next 31 days.  Sigh.