Of course I had to buy it so I could make sure my man is happy. And it only takes 31 days so score! Paul is excited that I am blogging about this book as he expects me to do every suggestion for the next month. I wasn't sure whether to laugh or punch him.
First off, let's talk about the author...the female author. WTF are you thinking Arlene???? Our dear friend Arlene also authored 31 Days to a Younger You in case you're an old hag like me. Her claim to fame as been appearing on the 700 Club, The Hour of Power, and a show on TLC called Home Made Simple. She lives, with her happy husband (seriously it says that) in So Cal.
The introduction of the book is called "Are You Still Dreaming?" Apparently, because I am still reading this book. My fave section talks about how she interviewed 31 happy husbands and she tells me to choose which month " to soak your husband in tender loving care." That sounds fun. Can I also soak his dirty underwear and clothes in clorox and his steak dinner in marinade?
Marriage quiz time...if you are like me then you are an abysmal failure. Apparently my husband is the unhappiest man on the planet.
1. The environment of my home is warm and peaceful on most days.
Um, my home is a shit show every day. Shit Show. My home is loud and chaotic every. single. day.
2. I drop other things (even with my kids) to make time for my husband if he needs anything.
Um, WTF Arlene. Is it 1855? My husband is capable of getting himself a snack or a drink or wiping his own ass. My 2 year old and 4 month old are not. But thanks for this stellar advice.
3. I never say unkind things about my husband to others.
What the hell would I talk about with my girlfriends then?
4. If there's a decision to be made, my husband has the final say.
Yes, because I live in the 19th century. Fingers crossed that women will be allowed to vote someday and slavery will end.
5. I enjoy having sex and look forward to making love to my husband.
Is this an and/or statement? 60lbs overweight and 3 hours of sleep a night...sure, bring it on. If you impregnate me again I will cut you.
6. My husband and I talk regularly about ways to improve our sex life.
Sure. After we talk about his work trips, the children, the house, the dogs, our friends, our family....oh wait, what was the question?
7. I make an effort to look attractive with my clothes, hair, and makeup even on days when I see only my husband.
This made me pee on the couch laughing. Arlene clearly has not read my posts on my grooming and my resemblance to various animals. Oh Arlene. I will try not to look like a homeless person at least one day a week.
8. I am a healthy body weight and exercise at least 3 times a week.
If by healthy you mean 60lbs overweight and if by exercise you mean my arm muscles lifting my wine glass and dessert fork then yes, this statement is true.
9. My husband and I go on a date at least once a month.
We go on a date as much as I get to go to the bathroom by myself.
10. We still enjoy romance, kissing once a day for at least five seconds.
Well, let me get out my watch. We're lucky if we get to spend five seconds in the same room. Does it count if you kiss 5 times for 1 second?
According to relationship expert Arlene and all the letters after her name for all the schooling she has done in psychology (I must've missed them in the author bio) my relationship is on "shaky ground. Reading this book is perfect timing." before we get divorced or he kills me in a murder/suicide scenario because I've made him so unhappy with my horrific lack of wifelyness.
Apparently I have a lot of work to do over the next 31 days. Sigh.
I love #3 and #4!!
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