Ain't No Shame in my Game

Another pregnant friend of mine recently posted about how she hadn't shaved in 5 weeks since she's on pelvic rest.  I'm also on pelvic rest, but I like to keep a tidy area and I'll tell you why.  I feel that if my obs have to be looking at my junk then at least they should be able to easily see what they're looking for plus I'm a little bit vain.  I know you may never have guessed that by looking at me on a daily basis (seriously I haven't brushed my hair in like 4 days and if I leave the house I just make sure to wear my wedding ring so people know that some poor man did, in fact, marry me as if that excuses my slovenly ways).  And being pregnant you never know how many people at any given time might be peering at your chucky. 

Case in point...getting a cerclage put in at a teaching hospital.  The first time I got molested by Doogie Howser I was 22 weeks pregnant and there were probably 15 people in the room.  That's a lot of people whose job it is to be all up in your junk. 

This time when I got my cerclage put I was only 14 weeks pregnant.  The attending ob and her resident were both females.  The anesthesiologist and his resident were both males.  I am fairly certain that the resident ob and the resident anesthesiologist made plans for a date as they were supposed to be getting me ready for surgery.  Don't worry about me y'all.  Make your date.  I'll input my own information into the computer chart. 

The anesthesiologist resident perhaps should've kept his mind on his job and NOT on getting into the resident ob's junk.  His placement of the spinal was, let's say, less than smooth.  Certainly not as smooth as his game with her.  My back was painful for 2 days! 

After they get the spinal in they help you lay down onto the bed.  A spinal takes effect very quickly so as you are laying down your legs are going numb.  The attending anesthesiologist takes this little needle and starts poking you to see if you're numb enough for the surgery yet.  As he's doing that the doctors are hoisting your legs up into stirrups that hang from over top of you.  So you know how embarrassing it can be at your annual ob exam laying there with your legs in stirrups.  Imagine now that your legs are at a 90 degree angle to your body.  Now add in a huge ass spot light to highlight your chucky.  There is no way in hell I could've gone into that appointment all Demi Moore hairy 80's vagina (if you really need to know then google Demi Moore and her Playboy spread from the 80's.  Fair warning it looks like her vajajay is being attacked by a bear).  And then they clean you and insert a catheter. 

Of course since they only used a spinal I have the ability to lay there the entire time thinking about how people are staring at my junk.  And by staring I mean I can feel them RIGHTHERE getting intimate with my junk in ways that the hubby has not been allowed to do in a long long while.  Sigh.  All you can do is lay there and wait for the embarrassment to be over.   My mantra was along the lines of "This is their job.  They are professionals.  They see tons of vaginas.  There's no need to be embarrassed."  I can tell you this though it is definitely worse than child birth in terms of what is occurring down there. 

Finally it's over and they cover you up, whale hoist you back to the other bed, and wheel you to recovery where only 1 poor nurse now has the fun job of checking your pad for bleeding (seriously who goes to nursing school for that...that's why those bitches get paid so much money!  Pad checking). 

I'll tell you what these 2 little munchkins that have grown inside my body are going to hear for the rest of their lives every time they act up stories about what we went through to get them here!  And any potential suitors are going to have to hear about my cerclages. 

To be fair in regard to the whole shaving thing, I did have laser hair removal so my upkeep is pretty minimal.  Thank goodness!  However, if I hadn't and I could no longer reach, don't think I wouldn't make hubby get out the razor.  Like I said ain't no shame in my game.