Oprah's January O magazine had an article called "Your Biggest Dressing Dilemmas Solved." Since I walk that thin line between looking like a mom who hasn't slept in a year and looking like a homeless person I thought I better read this article in depth. Basically it talked about how to solve "your most pressing body problems once and for all through strategic use of shapewear, clothing, and accessories." Of course what I read was "you don't have to go to the gym or eat healthy in an attempt to lose weight because you can hide it all with clothing and scarves!" Until I started the article and realized how many problem areas I have. Let me just give you a quick recap of what my problem areas are:
Turkey neck: thank goodness not yet! Although double chin wasn't mentioned and this is an area on which I'm teetering on the edge...luckily I've noticed that my double chinness is most related to the mornings after I have too many glasses of wine. So now I just watch my drinking more carefully.
Muffin top: A muffin top can be solved with $70 panties or some $49 pants. Their solution to get rid of it for good: to give up alcohol, sugar, processed carbs, and excessive dairy...well, really who would even want to live after giving up all those delicious things and you have to exercise on top of it...no thank you. And I know Paul's not gonna spring for $70 control top panties so I guess I will just continue to buy bigger sizes of my fave Target jeans and khakis.
Pooch: Considering I look like I could birth and house baby kangaroos in my pooch this is an area I struggle with...it's even better now that I have the famous after baby hangover (95% of moms will know what I'm talking about, the other 5% are skinny, have flat bellies, and have clearly sold their souls to satan to get that way). I don't see myself walking around in high waist panties (are they made of gold??? Why are they so expensive??? Maybe it's all the extra material needed to make them high waisted) to go to the grocery so maybe I should start saving up for some surgery (the most effective option according to O magazine). Oh, you can also disguise with fitted tunics.
Armpit fat: Thank goodness I live in the cold northeast and no longer have to worry about tank tops. Or nice clothes.
Bat wings: I'm getting there, but am not ready to fly away yet.
Mom butt: This is a flat butt. I've got more junk in my trunk that JLo so I don't need padded panties or butt lifting shorts.
Chub rub: My thighs rub together so much when I walk I'm surprised my underwear don't catch on fire. I have worn the inside thighs out of many a pair of pants from my chub rub (what a depressing phrase that is). Their solution is to wear thick biker shorts and tights under clothes and I will confess that I've worn bike shorts under skirts and dresses to avoid rubbing all the skin off my inner thighs when I walk.
Cankles: No, my ankles are quite shapely thank you.
Back fat: I look like I have 4 boobies...2 in the front and 2 sprouting off my back. A former nickname of mine given by a friend...Backfat Betty (why does the name Betty follow me everywhere?).
Double boobs: I have saggy post breastfeeding boobies so my cups no longer runneth over. But if you have bigger breasticles then you might have this problem. If so get properly fitted for a full coverage bra..no demi cups for you.
As I realized that I can't afford to buy a whole new wardrobe to cover my muffin top, pooch, armpit fat, chub rub, and back fat I decided to join the gym. I've been pretty consistent about going and I'm quite proud of myself for that, but today I got my butt kicked by the senior citizens.
I added the circuit to my cardio workout today. This is supposed to be the super easy, no adjusting the seats, very easy to adjust the weights for people who haven't worked out in awhile. It's so easy that instead of word instructions there is just a picture. So, the first machine I don't realize the other side of the machine says what the machine is (ab crunch, lat pull downs, etc.) and I look at the picture and I think it's some sort of arm exercise. I finish the exercise and move on. I'm on about the 5th machine when an older woman comes in, gets on the 1st machine, and I realize oh that is an ab crunch machine NOT an arm machine. That makes much more sense! So I head back over that way and notice that she has increased the weight from what I had on it by like 40lbs. Now you may be thinking "But wait, you thought it was an arm machine so that makes sense." I initially had that thought until I COULDN'T DO THE EXERCISE ON THE WEIGHT SHE HAD IT SET ON. I had to decrease it back down by 40lbs. Sad. She was like 55 years old.
I do the circuit for 3 reps of each machine and by the end I can barely breathe. I am huffing and puffing like I've just run a frickin marathon! I used to be in such good shape (ok that was like 14 years ago, but still I think about those days all the time)....what happened to me???
Then my friend Rebekah (who is also my doctor by the way) has raved about the arc trainer and how awesome it is. As I've just watched a 75 year old rock the arc trainer for 45 minutes while he read a newspaper I thought piece of cake. Hahaha jokes on me! First I could barely balance on the stupid thing much less read a magazine and then within 30 seconds of starting I felt like I was having a heart attack! I made myself complete 5 minutes all while holding on with a death grip in case I went flying out the 2nd floor window.
To round out my target goal of 30 minutes of cardio I finished with a leisurely stationary bike reading while reading my Better Homes and Garden.
And then I came home and took a nap.
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