So being stuck on bedrest, reading stranger's blogs, and watching Jersey Shore reruns has made me wonder "What would a day in my life be like if I spent it on Jersey Shore?"
"Holla bitches," I scream as I sashay through the doors of the Miami skank pad. I'm rocking my dayglo tan, inch long acrylics, long straightened black hair, and spandex mini tank dress. The only thing holding my boobs in is the laws of gravity and some duct tape. I look like a total guidette.
The Situation hands me a vodka/tequila/rum smoothie and the chants of "Chug, chug, chug" fill the air. As its almost time to go out to da club I quickly down a jagerbomb and go into the bathroom to touch up my make up. Another 9 coats of mascara, black eyeliner in an inch thick line on both uppper and lower lash lines, and enough bronzer to tan a ginger kid and I'm ready to get my drunk on.
The cab driver, knowing that 11pm is time to get our groove on, is already waiting outside. We pile inside and I immediately pick a fight with Angelina. She is the ultimate skank-ho and is clearly not as attractive as me. A full out girl fight ensues in the cab, but the cab driver doesn't miss a beat and gets us all safely to da club without once pulling over. He doesn't even miss a traffic light when Ronnie starts uncontrollably vomiting. Some people just can't handle their steroids and tequila. Party foul! It's okay though because Sammi is there to make sure he's all cleaned up. Having been through this before she pulls some wetwipes and a clean shirt out of her save Ronnie purse. Crisis averted!
As I'm not into hooking up with a random grenade, I instead choose to hook up with a grenade from the Jersey Shore house. As Pauly D seems the most pathetic at 30 years old, and the closest to me in age, I immediately give him my come hither look except it's hard to blink my eyes in a sexy manner since they are weighed down by a pound and a half of eyeliner and mascara. He knows what I mean though and we get our grind on. We continue dancing all night...mostly because my hands get stuck in his gelled out hair. I dance like a pro thanks to that stripper work out DVD I've done everyday for a week in preparation for my trip to Miami. The other girls are clearly jealous of me as I have the most rocking body, its definitely better than Snookie's booze bloated munchkin body.
We head back to the house with the skankopotomuses and slutosauruses that all the housemates are gonna expose to various STDs tonight. It's like cockroaches scurrying away from the light as each person heads to their bed with their conquest for the night. The cab drivers know to be back outside at 4am to drive home these paragons of society.
I pass out face first on the living room floor, my mini tank dress exposing my thong clad chucky. It's all good though cause I got my Brazilian on before I left Jersey to head to Miami. The next afternoon I wake up with a condom wrapper and some cheetos stuck to my face and crawl to the couch. A shot of vodka clears my booze addled head and my make up and hair have that sexy morning after quality so I decide not to shower. An hour at the beach and my tan is fierce. I head home with integrity intact and an appointment to get some penicillin from my doctor. My parents will be so proud!
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