Fat Boobies

I had a check up with my ob today.  I hadn't washed my hair in 4 days; I could climb a tree with my toenails because I can't reach my feet anymore; and, in the grand tradition of what the hell were we thinking, just moved the tiny dictator into a toddler bed which resulted in me being awake from midnight till 1am AFTER I had taken a benadryl at bedtime.  And as the tiny dictator told me earlier today I have "fat boobies."

This is me.

This is me holding the tiny dictator.

And of course who is sitting across the waiting room from me but this person.

Beautiful with gorgeous red hair, make up done, hair did, cute outfit, only has gained weight in her tiny belly even though she's like 5'9", with a 3 year old in tow.  I looked like I had been run over by a truck.  Carrying explosives.  Made of dog poo.

I would say I felt ashamed except that would require caring...which clearly I don't...at least not about my appearance.  

Beauty queen gets called back first so she is leaving as I am going into the examing room and I hear the nurse tell her "any time now" and she responds, "I know.  Hopefully tonight.  Fingers crossed." and I'm all like "I hate you, bitch.  No one likes a bragger."  

So I'm telling Paul this story as I'm getting ready to take a shower because I realize I have to wash my hair and I'm more like the cover of National Geographic than the cover of Cosmo.    

My hair (just picture it with my face...hell maybe that is me)

And my loving husband is all like "You should be embarrassed."  Hater.  He did redeem himself slightly when I told him that the tiny dictator said I have "fat boobies" and his response was "I like your boobies" which is impressive because I can literally carry an encyclopedia under each one right now.  In fact it's sort of a game in our house to see what exactly I can hold just using the area under each boob.  

Yeah, we suck.  

So, I took my fat boobies and my sloth toenails into the shower and washed my hair.  I really have no excuse not to since it's one of 4 areas on my body I can reach (the other 3 being my arms, face, and ginormous belly).  

At least I don't smell.