Science is amazing, but it can also be misleading. It used to be that a woman had to wait until she missed her period to take a home pregnancy test and find out if she was pregnant. Now you can take a home pregnancy test up to 5 days before your period starts and find out if you're expecting.
And that's what I did last week, Wednesday to be exact, and guess what...it was positive! I took another test on Thursday and that was positive. We were overjoyed. Friday I had a doctor's appointment and she did a pregnancy test at her office and it was negative. Suddenly I wasn't so overjoyed. She reassured me that it was still early, that maybe their test just wasn't as sensitive, but my heart sunk a little bit.
And over the weekend I continued to have positive HPTs, but the positive line got fainter and fainter and my symptoms (nausea and exhaustion) disappeared. Yesterday I was pretty certain I was going to get my period and this morning I did. I'm guessing it was a chemical pregnancy or very early miscarriage.
So, here I am...3rd lost pregnancy. I cried this morning on the way to Stroller Strides and I'm crying now as I write this. I have 2 friends up here who have children around Emma's age. They are both pregnant again and I'm so so happy for them. But, BUT it's so very very hard to be around friends who are pregnant right now. It's sort of like a little dagger to the heart and I can't imagine how people who truly struggle with infertility must feel. I can't imagine years and years of this feeling. I don't consider myself struggling with infertility. I can get pregnant. I just can't stay pregnant (with the exception of my beautiful, wonderful Emma Bean).
I keep repeating to myself "All in God's time" and I'm trying to hold out that He must have something good in store for us or know that something is coming up that it's not the time for me to be pregnant (maybe an earlier than expected military move or whatever), but I still feel sad. I really thought this was it, that I was going to be having a baby around March 28th, 2013, and now I'm not.
Now I'm not.
The same thing happened to me back in December, that was my first miscarriage. I am also in my third, I need to blog about it bc this last one I had two weeks ago was by far the scariest and the most traumatic. I'm praying for you, I know how it feels. My spirits are high but I envy my pregnant friends right now and I feel myself getting distant although I don't want to or am not doing it on purpose. I have cried almost every night for two weeks....partially bc my d&c was done exactly on Adrianna's birthday last Monday. That hurt so much, emotionally not physically. God has a plan, and I'll tell ya it better be a friggin good one
ReplyDeleteJenn, this is so hard. Thinking of you, darlin'. you are right - it will happen when it's supposed to. Life always has a way of doing things in it's own time. I love your blog, btw...thanks for sharing. Something to consider (unless you already have) is making sure you are eating real food - not processed junk - and eliminating as many chemicals from your household as you can. I strongly believe that has a lot to do with the seemingly rampant infertility with our age group. Blessing to you and your family! I hope that your sad crying becomes less and less.
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry Jenn. Love you guys. You're right, all in God's time. Hugs!!!
ReplyDelete