A long journey

I have been making an effort to de-clutter my life. Part of this has been going through old photos and getting rid of all the doubles I have, setting aside pics to send to others, and sorting through all the pics of my exhusband, Todd.

I have always struggled what to do with pictures of me and my exhusband. Sometimes that life seems like it happened to a whole other person, and yet it was a part of my life. Just throwing the pictures somehow seems wrong...almost like it would be disrespectful to that piece of me and to Todd.

So, I decided that I'd send all his family pictures that don't have me in them to his mom with a note explaining that I thought maybe she would like them. I am not sure if this is the right or wrong thing to do. I don't think they have the best opinion of me and I don't want her to think I'm sending them to be spiteful. I just felt I couldn't get rid of pictures of their family because I've always loved his family. When we got divorced it was them I missed.

But I did get rid of the pictures of me and Todd (minus my wedding album). I feel that I'm finally ready to let that piece of my life go and move on. I kept the wedding album because regardless of our divorce much of my family and friends were in attendance and I wanted to have that memory of all of us together. My closest friends were in my wedding. My Grammy was there and my mom's family who is now estranged.

Looking through all old photos brought out a lot of different emotions. Some made me laugh, some made me wonder how I could look so much fatter than I do now when I was 20 lbs. lighter, and some made me regretful.

The regret is because I was a really bad wife. Looking back I can remember all the times when I treated Todd horribly just because I was unhappy. I think the unhappiness shows in my physical appearance. In almost every picture I just did not look good. And I'm embarrassed at how I acted towards him and his family. If I could go back and change things I would. That's not to say I wouldn't have ended up divorced, but I would've handled things differently. I would've acted more grateful and graceful and less awful. It makes me sad for myself and for Todd to think of how I acted during those years because all he ever asked for was for me to love him.

I've been on a long journey and I hope I've learned something. I think I have. I think I have become more peaceful, more content with my life. I let go of things that needed to be let go of and have found happiness in the happiness of others. I have kept the friends I've needed to keep and let go of those I didn't and made entirely new ones in the process. Despite my desire to lose weight I'm more accepting of my physical appearance and I think my happiness with myself shows in how I look now. I know myself better and I am always striving to be a better person, to learn, to grow spiritually, mentally, and emotionally.

If for some reason I died tonight I would die happy and content with the life I've lived. And I guess that is truly all anyone can hope for.

The reality of being a crappy parent

So, we went to dinner tonight at a seafood restaurant we had never been to before. It was actually pretty busy and we got a table on the second floor near the bar. And it may have been a fire station at one point b/c it had 3 garage doors and all concrete block walls. So, it was loud.

Enter a family of 4: mom, dad, son approximately 4, daughter approximately 2. Begin the crying. And I'm not talking about "mom I hit my head" crying, but the incessant, no reason behind it, fake crying that makes you want to jam a butter knife into your ears just so you don't have to listen anymore.

So, what's mom's big solution? A time out in the corner. Yes, ladies and gentlemen, in a packed restaurant she sticks her 2 year old crying child in the corner and walks away. Does the time out make the spawn of satan stop crying? No, she just cries harder. And why was she crying? Because she didn't want to sit in a high chair or her own seat...she wanted someone to hold her. Spoiled much?

She cried...THE ENTIRE TIME WE WERE THERE. I could feel my blood pressure rising as my hands started to shake and all I could think about was how much I HATED these people. Mom finally took her outside and Paul asked if it would be wrong to clap. She bought her back in and crying resumed. You could see the murderous looks being shot in their direction and yet the parents were oblivious. They actually ordered their food (we had the same unfortunate waiter who hated them as much as we did...we know this because we discussed it when he would come back to our table).

You know what? When your kid is causing other people to HATE YOU then it's time to pack up your food and eat at home. Plus it was 8:30pm. Why are you feeding your very young children at 8:30pm? Your kids should've been fed at 6pm and already in bed. I, in fact, suggested to our waiter that he bring their food out in to go boxes and tell them, "Here's your food...to go...now go."

So, then Paul and I started contemplating what we would say to these people should we have been unlucky enough to sit next to them. My response would've been, "If you don't shut your kid up, I'm going to slit your throat with my fork." Paul's would've been, "Either take your kid outside or I'm going to beat up your husband." I also tried to figure out if there was anything on our table that I could've thrown across the 50 feet and hit them with. Or perhaps knocked their child out with so she would SHUT UP!

Just when I thought I was going to get an opportunity to say something to them as we walked out the door they got up and left before we did. And blessed silence filled the restaurant.

Paul and I are now going to write to the "Rants and Raves" section of the Valdosta Daily Times in hopes that these awful parents will read about what awful parents they are and make a different choice in the future regarding their lack of appropriate public parenting skills. Mine went something like this: To the parents at the Steamhouse restaurant last night who refused to leave when their 2 yr. old wouldn't stop crying...YOU SUCK. Take a parenting class. You ruined dinner for the entire restaurant. Just thought you should know.

Now, I know I have yet to have children and I love all my "nieces and nephews," but I am also fairly confident that NONE of my friends would subject other people to their kid's hysterical behavior in public for AN HOUR.

I guess perhaps it's good that I don't yet have children; however, I can't see my attitude on this situation changing anytime soon. Some things just require common decency. And no, I have no sympathy for poor parents who just deserve a night out to dinner. Absolutely you deserve to go out, but then you should go at an appropriate time for your child and you should teach your child how to behave in public.

There goes my babysitting jobs...

Animal House

Let me give you a quick recap of my week.

Work was work. I have several new clients. When I called my boss, per her request, to obtain some additional information as to one new client she said, "I think he's some kind of offender." Hmmm...WHAT THE HELL DOES THAT MEAN? Like a sex offender, did he kill someone, can I have some more info? She didn't know. So I gamely go to his trailer and actually think he seems quite nice (despite his lengthy criminal history) and he has a chihuahua. Well, his mom has a chihuahua. And I still cannot pronounce his name even though he told me what it was and I have it written down (far more vowels than consonants...it's like 2 names together...like if I was Jennannioeugrnnta). I also have his baby mama for a client who lives two trailers down and across the street. I almost killed myself going up and down the stairs into her trailer because they go straight up and do not appear attached to anything (such as the trailer or each other). Oh, and did I mention they shake and wobble as you step on them. She may have the worst children in America. And a puppy.

Speaking of pets...keep in mind that my Chinese Crested Beauty has to wear a diaper because she, at 6 years old, is not potty trained and feels the house is her personal toilet. After having the carpets cleaned, again, at Christmas I decided NO MORE and thus the diaper which was working great...until we went to my mom's for Christmas and my mom's dogs literally scared the piss out of Beauty...and into her diaper...twice...

Last night I'm laying on the couch and Beauty is next to me. Beast, the chihuahua, jumps up and I think "ewww Beast, you stink" and get up to let the dogs outside. Beauty doesn't come. So, I come back to pick her up and as I take off her diaper I realize her diaper is full of poop. My dog pooped in her diaper (how many people can say that phrase?). So, now I am trying to carry the dog, with her diaper still half on, not drop any poop on the carpet, and open the backdoor. I was in fact successful (although is it truly successful when your dog poops in a diaper?).

Then our cat, Simba. Simba who I was conned into taking by my college roommate. Simba who was born outside. Simba who apparently believes he is a dog and is OBSESSED with our Boston Terrier, Jojo. Simba constantly harasses Jojo, rubs against Jojo, tries to wrestle with Jojo (because he wrestles with Beauty--perhaps the funniest thing ever to be seen in history--a hairless dog wrestling with a cat). Simba also desperately wants to go outside with the dogs and scratches at the door when they're outside. Simba eats dog food despite his ever full bowl of cat food. Simba even lays sprawled out on the floor like a dog.

Don't even get me started on Beauty and Beast who physically fight when we go on walks and embarrass me beyond belief.

I know you are all jealous of my glamorous life...