Animal House

Let me give you a quick recap of my week.

Work was work. I have several new clients. When I called my boss, per her request, to obtain some additional information as to one new client she said, "I think he's some kind of offender." Hmmm...WHAT THE HELL DOES THAT MEAN? Like a sex offender, did he kill someone, can I have some more info? She didn't know. So I gamely go to his trailer and actually think he seems quite nice (despite his lengthy criminal history) and he has a chihuahua. Well, his mom has a chihuahua. And I still cannot pronounce his name even though he told me what it was and I have it written down (far more vowels than consonants...it's like 2 names together...like if I was Jennannioeugrnnta). I also have his baby mama for a client who lives two trailers down and across the street. I almost killed myself going up and down the stairs into her trailer because they go straight up and do not appear attached to anything (such as the trailer or each other). Oh, and did I mention they shake and wobble as you step on them. She may have the worst children in America. And a puppy.

Speaking of pets...keep in mind that my Chinese Crested Beauty has to wear a diaper because she, at 6 years old, is not potty trained and feels the house is her personal toilet. After having the carpets cleaned, again, at Christmas I decided NO MORE and thus the diaper which was working great...until we went to my mom's for Christmas and my mom's dogs literally scared the piss out of Beauty...and into her diaper...twice...

Last night I'm laying on the couch and Beauty is next to me. Beast, the chihuahua, jumps up and I think "ewww Beast, you stink" and get up to let the dogs outside. Beauty doesn't come. So, I come back to pick her up and as I take off her diaper I realize her diaper is full of poop. My dog pooped in her diaper (how many people can say that phrase?). So, now I am trying to carry the dog, with her diaper still half on, not drop any poop on the carpet, and open the backdoor. I was in fact successful (although is it truly successful when your dog poops in a diaper?).

Then our cat, Simba. Simba who I was conned into taking by my college roommate. Simba who was born outside. Simba who apparently believes he is a dog and is OBSESSED with our Boston Terrier, Jojo. Simba constantly harasses Jojo, rubs against Jojo, tries to wrestle with Jojo (because he wrestles with Beauty--perhaps the funniest thing ever to be seen in history--a hairless dog wrestling with a cat). Simba also desperately wants to go outside with the dogs and scratches at the door when they're outside. Simba eats dog food despite his ever full bowl of cat food. Simba even lays sprawled out on the floor like a dog.

Don't even get me started on Beauty and Beast who physically fight when we go on walks and embarrass me beyond belief.

I know you are all jealous of my glamorous life...