Although I have struggled with anxiety in the past I've worked really hard to get that under control. Of course you'd think being a clinical social worker I'd have the under control thing down pat. I mean I do counsel people on anxiety for a living or at least I used to when I had a job. But counseling other people and counseling yourself are by far two different things. I think everyone should go to counseling and so I've spent years in counseling to work on various issues. Any time in my life that I'm struggling and want an objective opinion I head off to the therapists office (always an LCSW, never an LMHC...I'm a snob like that--and only people in those fields will know what I'm talking about lol). I have spent most of my adult life being a worst case scenario kind of person (I even have the board game) and making little plans in my head about how I'd get out of the house in case of a fire, what I'd do to save myself and my pets (pre-Emma) in case of a tornado, how I'd fight off a home invader, how I'd survive a shark attack, etc., etc. (Do you see why I like to stay busy? It keeps the crazy at bay). I really need to start doing yoga again.
So, this whole new mom thing has completely thrown me for a loop! Not only do I now worry about my heart (despite the 2 normal echocardiograms and a normal CAT scan) because I still have palpitations (which is sort of like the chicken and the egg--am I anxious b/c of the palpitations or are the palpitations b/c I'm anxious? The cardiologist also told me that it's hormonal and my heart should return to its normal rhythm once these pregnancy hormones are out of my system), but I also worry about Emma!
I mean I knew I'd worry about Emma, but I believe it is my sheer will power that is keeping her alive! Realistically I know my will power is not fueling her life. When we were in the hospital I was able to sleep b/c I knew the nursery staff would watch over her at night (and take advantage of the nursery I did even though the night I spent in the ICU I called the nursery at 2am to check on her, but they told me I could). When we brought her home I was the only one to watch over her at night. Okay, Paul is here, but he'd sleep through the fire, tornado, home invader.
I thought having Emma sleep in the pack & play bassinet at the foot of our bed would be great. Not so much. It's hard to crawl to the end of the bed, bend over the footboard, and reach down to touch her chest and make sure she's breathing when you are recovering from a c-section. Plus Paul caught me a few times and waking up to my huge ass bent over in front of him is an image that no person should have to see right now.
So, we decided to do something that I NEVER thought I'd do...co-sleep! I sort of always made fun of my friends whose 5 year old was still sleeping in bed with them (gosh I hope we don't get to that point), but I knew if I was going to get any sort of rest I needed Emma closer to me at night. We went out and bought a Summer Infant Rest Assured sleeper and Emma sleeps in our bed in between us. I still check on her through out the night (during the 2 hours that I'm not feeding her), but at least now I don't have to get out of bed to do it. And I'm not ashamed to say that I also sleep on my side facing her with my arm draped over the top of the sleeper touching her side. It's actually more comfortable than it sounds. Paul's fear is that Emma will still be sleeping in the co-sleeper when he gets back from deployment and I have to admit she just might be. But I have slept since she's started sleeping with us.
Last night my wonderful husband kept Emma downstairs with him and did a feeding with pumped milk/formula so I could go up early and get some rest (Emma had gotten up at 3am that morning and didn't go back to sleep). Having those extra few hours of sleep has made a huge difference and I actually feel almost human today. Not fully human, but almost.
Of course I dreamt about The Jersey Shore all night last night. WTF! I guess watching 2 episodes in a row yesterday was a little too much Shore. Just slightly disturbing to say the least. lol I also dreamt Paul and I got an overseas deployment with our friends Chelsea & George!
What was your new mom anxiety and how did you cope with it?
Thursday, March 10, 2011
Tuesday, March 8, 2011
Week 1 Down
I am not even sure what to write about the end of our first week of parenting. For sure we spent most of that week in the hospital due to my unexpected c-section. And for sure I think if we had to choose a word to represent how we feel it'd be a tie between love and exhaustion.
It still seems surreal that this little snuggle bunny (aka Senorita Toots-a-Lot) was the same wiggle worm that came out of my tummy. I still can't believe we have a baby. And Paul and I probably say 10,000 times a day "She's just so cute!" Cause she is just so cute.
We tried to take Emma to the pediatrician on Friday for a weight check but of course the base med group closes at noon on first Fridays for training. And of course we didn't check online to see if they were open before we drove over there. So we took Emma on Monday to get registered and for a weight check. She lost a little bit of weight and weighed in at 7lbs 14oz.
The pediatrician puts us on a 2 hour feeding schedule with pumping and supplementing so essentially our schedule is feed, pump, supplement. (Paul gives her the bottle while I pump). By the time I finish feeding and pumping we have an hour or so until the next feeding. Plus Emma hates being woken up at night (unless she is waking us up) so feedings take a long time. Last night we let her go 3 hours one stretch because we were just so exhausted.
Emma has had some good feedings today and we are hoping that her weight has increased when we go back for another weight check tomorrow. And I actually got some phone calls made that I needed to make. I'm waiting to hear back from the lactation consultant on base to answer some questions I have and help me be a better moo cow.
More tomorrow!
It still seems surreal that this little snuggle bunny (aka Senorita Toots-a-Lot) was the same wiggle worm that came out of my tummy. I still can't believe we have a baby. And Paul and I probably say 10,000 times a day "She's just so cute!" Cause she is just so cute.
We tried to take Emma to the pediatrician on Friday for a weight check but of course the base med group closes at noon on first Fridays for training. And of course we didn't check online to see if they were open before we drove over there. So we took Emma on Monday to get registered and for a weight check. She lost a little bit of weight and weighed in at 7lbs 14oz.
The pediatrician puts us on a 2 hour feeding schedule with pumping and supplementing so essentially our schedule is feed, pump, supplement. (Paul gives her the bottle while I pump). By the time I finish feeding and pumping we have an hour or so until the next feeding. Plus Emma hates being woken up at night (unless she is waking us up) so feedings take a long time. Last night we let her go 3 hours one stretch because we were just so exhausted.
Emma has had some good feedings today and we are hoping that her weight has increased when we go back for another weight check tomorrow. And I actually got some phone calls made that I needed to make. I'm waiting to hear back from the lactation consultant on base to answer some questions I have and help me be a better moo cow.
More tomorrow!
Friday, March 4, 2011
A Long Week
I finally was discharged from the hospital yesterday after a week. As happy as I thought I was to be going home it certainly was overwhelming to arrive home with an infant. I am so exhausted right now that I am not even sure that I can write a coherent blog. lol
Sunday we got to the mother baby unit around 2am or 3am or something. Sunday we pretty much hung out in the room with Emma staring at her. I couldn't believe that this tiny little person had come out of my tummy and even now it seems very surreal that they are one in the same. I think the phrase "She's so cute" has come out of each of our mouths at least 500 times a day.
Monday things got a little more intense. Our student nurse had accidentally pulled the emergency cord changing the sheets on my bed. We had plans to attend a breastfeeding class at 10:30am so I got up and took a shower (finally), brushed my hair, and even put on some make up. During my shower I was supposed to remove the bandages over my staples. Holy heck! This sh*t hurt! So, I'm standing in the shower, crying hysterically, and I asked Paul to get a nurse. Well, our student nurse gets set back to help me. Picture me standing in the shower, this poor nurse kneeling before me, trying to help pull these bandages off. It never occurs to me to turn off the shower so she is getting soaking wet. If it weren't for the foot long row of staples in my still giant, still gross belly then it would've been a scene out of a porno. haha Unbeknownst to this nurse her day was to get even more interesting.
After the shower I finally felt like a real human being again until I walked into the room to wait for Paul to put my socks on (he had gone to get me some juice) when my heart started racing to the point that I knew I was having a problem and needed to pull the emergency cord myself. Thank God Emma was in the bassinet and I wasn't holding her. The nurse asks over the speaker what is wrong and I can only get out "my heart" and all of the sudden several nurses are rushing into the room. Paul hears the alarm going off when he's on his way back from the kitchenette and laughs thinking the student nurse had pulled someone else's cord until he realized the lights were flashing outside our room.
My nurse called over a nurse from L&D to install an IV (I had just gotten my original IV removed a couple hours ago) instead of waiting on the IV response team person to get there. My heart rate was 212. The nurse is telling me to take deep breaths, I'm trying to take slow breaths, Paul is comforting Emma, and I'm crying. Paul sends Emma to the nursery and the hospitalist (what they call their doctors who work at the hospital, but not necessarily in a department I guess) comes in. He confirms that I am in SVT (ironically I had told every nurse and doctor in L&D about my SVT, but stopped telling people as soon as we got to the mother baby unit) and orders a beta blocker for me while they are trying to figure out if they can use adenosine on the mother baby unit (as they didn't have the necessary equipment up there to monitor my heart). Someone from cardiology comes up and does an EKG, they give me the beta blocker, and it slows my heart, but not enough.
A doctor and team of nurses come up from the ICU, they decide they can give me the adenosine, and they bring in the crash cart. My student nurse is standing there watching all this and I'm sure thinking "OMG they are going to stop this woman's heart." Not the day she was expected at all. I just remember her eyes being huge. haha
My ob is in the hospital (my actual OB--welcome back from vacation!) and they had her paged so she walks in carrying an edible arrangement (my sister had sent it and the volunteer was just about to walk in the room with it). They gave me the adenosine and my heart rate returns to normal.
They decided to keep me over night in a telemetry bed and of course there wasn't a private room available so they stick me in the ICU for the night. I've never been in the ICU before and that was quite the experience. I lost all dignity as they didn't want me out of bed until they did a CAT scan to rule out a blood clot or pulmonary embolism so I got to use a bed pan for the first time(or several times). I'm pretty sure those nurses were not used to having to help someone pee so much! When I was allowed out of bed I was only allowed to use a portable potty in my room. As I had glass doors and curtains that didn't close all the way modesty was out the...well, glass door as it were. I was still in so much pain from the c-section that I didn't even care.
The mother baby unit and the ICU were able to work out a plan to have Emma brought down several times so I could bond with her. Unfortunately I wasn't able to breastfeed due to the iodine contrast they used in the CAT scan, but at least I got to spend time with her. The nurses in the ICU loved Emma. She was quite the celebrity down there (as was I seeing as I was the only patient under the age of 70 as well as the only patient who was conscious) and all the nurses wanted to love on her.
It was interesting to see how the different doctors felt about the SVT. Paul ran into my high risk ob and he said it wasn't uncommon for pregnant and post-partum women to have SVT due to their high blood volume. The cardiologist just said to drink very icy water when I first had symptoms to shock my heart into beating normally (my echo and CAT scan were normal). The hospitalist and ICU doctor acted like I might die any minute. I ended up stuck in the ICU for over 24 hours, but it was reassuring to know that they were monitoring my heart (and also that they came in to check on me every 2 hours). Plus Emma got extra snuggles from the nursery staff upstairs.
I finally broke free on Tuesday morning and got to return to my sweet baby girl. She missed her mama! Paul had to return home as he couldn't stay in the ICU so he spent the nights at home until we got discharged. Emma and I had quite the sleepless nights although I did utilize the nursery as much as possible at night. My girl likes to eat so it would seem as I just returned her to the nursery and fallen asleep when they were bringing her back to eat again.
The food at the hospital was so good that I almost didn't want to leave. Emma & I are going to do mommy baby yoga there once she's a little older so I def will be eating lunch there those days. lol
We got home yesterday afternoon and Emma has already brought so much joy into our lives. She is the love of our lives.
Sunday we got to the mother baby unit around 2am or 3am or something. Sunday we pretty much hung out in the room with Emma staring at her. I couldn't believe that this tiny little person had come out of my tummy and even now it seems very surreal that they are one in the same. I think the phrase "She's so cute" has come out of each of our mouths at least 500 times a day.
Monday things got a little more intense. Our student nurse had accidentally pulled the emergency cord changing the sheets on my bed. We had plans to attend a breastfeeding class at 10:30am so I got up and took a shower (finally), brushed my hair, and even put on some make up. During my shower I was supposed to remove the bandages over my staples. Holy heck! This sh*t hurt! So, I'm standing in the shower, crying hysterically, and I asked Paul to get a nurse. Well, our student nurse gets set back to help me. Picture me standing in the shower, this poor nurse kneeling before me, trying to help pull these bandages off. It never occurs to me to turn off the shower so she is getting soaking wet. If it weren't for the foot long row of staples in my still giant, still gross belly then it would've been a scene out of a porno. haha Unbeknownst to this nurse her day was to get even more interesting.
After the shower I finally felt like a real human being again until I walked into the room to wait for Paul to put my socks on (he had gone to get me some juice) when my heart started racing to the point that I knew I was having a problem and needed to pull the emergency cord myself. Thank God Emma was in the bassinet and I wasn't holding her. The nurse asks over the speaker what is wrong and I can only get out "my heart" and all of the sudden several nurses are rushing into the room. Paul hears the alarm going off when he's on his way back from the kitchenette and laughs thinking the student nurse had pulled someone else's cord until he realized the lights were flashing outside our room.
My nurse called over a nurse from L&D to install an IV (I had just gotten my original IV removed a couple hours ago) instead of waiting on the IV response team person to get there. My heart rate was 212. The nurse is telling me to take deep breaths, I'm trying to take slow breaths, Paul is comforting Emma, and I'm crying. Paul sends Emma to the nursery and the hospitalist (what they call their doctors who work at the hospital, but not necessarily in a department I guess) comes in. He confirms that I am in SVT (ironically I had told every nurse and doctor in L&D about my SVT, but stopped telling people as soon as we got to the mother baby unit) and orders a beta blocker for me while they are trying to figure out if they can use adenosine on the mother baby unit (as they didn't have the necessary equipment up there to monitor my heart). Someone from cardiology comes up and does an EKG, they give me the beta blocker, and it slows my heart, but not enough.
A doctor and team of nurses come up from the ICU, they decide they can give me the adenosine, and they bring in the crash cart. My student nurse is standing there watching all this and I'm sure thinking "OMG they are going to stop this woman's heart." Not the day she was expected at all. I just remember her eyes being huge. haha
My ob is in the hospital (my actual OB--welcome back from vacation!) and they had her paged so she walks in carrying an edible arrangement (my sister had sent it and the volunteer was just about to walk in the room with it). They gave me the adenosine and my heart rate returns to normal.
They decided to keep me over night in a telemetry bed and of course there wasn't a private room available so they stick me in the ICU for the night. I've never been in the ICU before and that was quite the experience. I lost all dignity as they didn't want me out of bed until they did a CAT scan to rule out a blood clot or pulmonary embolism so I got to use a bed pan for the first time(or several times). I'm pretty sure those nurses were not used to having to help someone pee so much! When I was allowed out of bed I was only allowed to use a portable potty in my room. As I had glass doors and curtains that didn't close all the way modesty was out the...well, glass door as it were. I was still in so much pain from the c-section that I didn't even care.
The mother baby unit and the ICU were able to work out a plan to have Emma brought down several times so I could bond with her. Unfortunately I wasn't able to breastfeed due to the iodine contrast they used in the CAT scan, but at least I got to spend time with her. The nurses in the ICU loved Emma. She was quite the celebrity down there (as was I seeing as I was the only patient under the age of 70 as well as the only patient who was conscious) and all the nurses wanted to love on her.
It was interesting to see how the different doctors felt about the SVT. Paul ran into my high risk ob and he said it wasn't uncommon for pregnant and post-partum women to have SVT due to their high blood volume. The cardiologist just said to drink very icy water when I first had symptoms to shock my heart into beating normally (my echo and CAT scan were normal). The hospitalist and ICU doctor acted like I might die any minute. I ended up stuck in the ICU for over 24 hours, but it was reassuring to know that they were monitoring my heart (and also that they came in to check on me every 2 hours). Plus Emma got extra snuggles from the nursery staff upstairs.
I finally broke free on Tuesday morning and got to return to my sweet baby girl. She missed her mama! Paul had to return home as he couldn't stay in the ICU so he spent the nights at home until we got discharged. Emma and I had quite the sleepless nights although I did utilize the nursery as much as possible at night. My girl likes to eat so it would seem as I just returned her to the nursery and fallen asleep when they were bringing her back to eat again.
The food at the hospital was so good that I almost didn't want to leave. Emma & I are going to do mommy baby yoga there once she's a little older so I def will be eating lunch there those days. lol
We got home yesterday afternoon and Emma has already brought so much joy into our lives. She is the love of our lives.
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